Wankers of the Week: Crappy Halloween!

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‘Tis Halloween,

The lamp is lit–

And in the pies

The pumpkins shit–

Poop out their innards bit by bit–

Till Sister Jane says FLUSH!

Crappy Halloween, everyone! Forget all the ghosties and ghoulies and things that go bump in the night. It’s the ones without the costumes you have to be wary of, because they’ve been out playing dirty tricks on us all week. And here they are, in no particular order. Get ready…Count Floyd says it’s gonna be scary!

1. Rob Fucking Ford. You’re damn right, Toronto is united…and it’s gonna get a lot more so. United, that is, against YOU, you evil, bigoted, rageaholic swinebag. I’m not sure how it’s possible to be arrested for public intoxication AND drug possession and still be eligible to run for office, but I guess whatever happens in Miami, stays in Miami. (Gawd, what a fucking awesome town. Not only does all the scum from Latin America wash up there on a regular basis, but all the crap from North America, too. Damn those ocean currents!) PS: Nice staffers you got, Robbo. Fake Twitter accounts. Really smart! (How much did you pay them?) Now, let’s see them try to bully the new city council. Can’t do that with your toy tweets, bullyboy.

2. Mike Fucking Harris. Ontario’s Worst Premier Ever was at the afterparty for Toronto’s Worst Mayor-Elect Ever. Grinning like the asshole he is, and just oozing smarm, as “Eye of the Tiger” played in the background. Can you say BAD OMEN, boys ‘n’ girls? Sure you can. But for those who missed it, Mikey set this one up a long LONG time ago.

3. Stephen Fucking Harper. Because I know, I just know, that he is behind #1 and #2. The MO all smells the same.

4. Vic Fucking Toews. Hey Adultery Man, nice of you to tell communities to report their potential terrorist kids. But you forgot the biggest one, and it happens to be your damn own voting base! PS: Also, nice touch. Asshole.

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5. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yes, she’s ba-ack. Still as stupid and lazy as ever. And she really shouldn’t worry about Bristol’s wayward genitals spoiling her chance for a run at the White House in two years’ time, because she never stood one anyway.

6. Joe Fucking Arpaio. I always figured him for a skeezy-ass old pervert, and I’m right, as usual. This week, he finally proved it by giving the Paliness a gift of pink underpants. Touching, innit? That makes two sex-related wanks that #5 has racked up this week. And speaking of sex-related wanking, how about…

7. Christine O’Fucking Donnell. Her claims of chastity are, like everything else she says, absolute bullshit. She’s a loud fucker. Literally. What do you bet she also masturbates when she’s not busy getting laid by pudgy, chin-whiskered anti-choice dudes? Loudly? PS: And if you want to know what a totally unelectable candidate acts like, just clicky here.

8. Virginia Fucking Foxx. Yup, she’s back again…and for the same reason. Rampant homophobic hatemongering, that is. And also for (twice) issuing a non-apology “apology” for her fucked-up remarks.

9. Richard Fucking Cohen. Sexual harassment, what’s that? Clearly no problem of his, unless he has to defend someone else’s privilege of doing it. What an onerous burden. A man’s gotta do, eh?

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10. Tim Fucking Profitt. No sense apologizing or trying to “explain”, we all saw what you did there. We couldn’t NOT see. PS: Motherfucker. No apologies for YOU! PPS: Nice following you attract there, asshole. Like attracts like, stupid attracts stupid. Which leads me nicely to…

11. Rand Fucking Paul. Once again, it bears repeating: You can tell a LOT about someone by the kind of following he attracts. You can tell even more by the kind of followers the motherfucking bastard HIRES to curb-stomp nice young liberal ladies…and then make excuses for it all. And oh yeah, that reminds me of someone else…

12. Mike Fucking Pezzano. Another “supporter” of “don’t tread on me” libertarianism proves to be one of those all too willing to let his pals tread…on somebody else. And he may be a groper, too. Niiiiiice. PS: Nice following YOU attract, too!

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13. Eric Fucking Schmidt. Yes, Google really IS, clearly and without the least doubt, evil. And the proof is in the words of its CEO, who clearly doesn’t give a rat’s ass for your privacy…or OUR Canadian privacy laws. His answer? “Just move”. WHERE TO, IF YOU BASTARDS ARE DETERMINED TO PHOTOGRAPH IT ALL???

14. Ezra Fucking Levant. Will somebody please spank this obnoxious brat? He made poopy in his pants again. Oh, don’t like it when I say that, Ezzy? Then don’t say it about Omar Khadr. If he had WANTED to “confess”, he could have done so eight years ago. YOU try being forcibly confined for that time and given no choice in the matter, no charges and no trial worthy of the name. Let’s see how “innocent” you are then, little boy.

15. Clint Fucking McCance. Homophobes should all fucking kill themselves. Or keep that shit to themselves and not advertise it. That’s disgusting!

16. Al Fucking Reynolds. Al, all my educated black male friends just invited you to kiss their educated black male asses. And also to quit smoking crack.

17. Judson Fucking Phillips. You “personally” have a problem with Islam? Yeah, you and all the rest of the fucking tea-tards. That’s why the Koch brothers financed your “party”. Hope you all have a helluva hangover by this time next week, because your party is gonna be OVER.

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18. Flip Fucking Benham. Oh, so abortion doctors are wanted dead “by Christ”? Yo. Jesus just called. Sez you shouldn’t put words in his mouth, he can speak for himself. Also, he told me to tell you to fuck the hell off, and leave the women and doctors alone. There’s a good reason he said nothing about abortion in the New Testament, remember?

19. and 20. Clarence and Ginni Thomas. Yep, they sure ARE a pair of boobs. A large, albeit not so firm, but well matched set. They deserve one another, and the hell that each is gonna put the other through before this little sham of a marriage finally ends. Whaddya bet the real impetus behind Ginni’s little drunk-dialer the other week was actually that she caught Clarence out in something?

21. Abe Fucking Foxman. Whatever shit he was full of, he just lost it. All over the fucking place. Very satisfying to see, especially the part about the Soup Nazi.

22. Victor Fucking Phillips. Christ, what is it with right-wing nutjobs assaulting women this week? It’s like all the sexist, racist and homophobic animus is just oozing out as my US friends prepare to go to the polls. And speaking of homophobic animus, get a load of…

23. Michael Fucking “Savage” Weiner. Bitch, please. The only reason you hate gay boys is because all the cute young ones ignore you. The only reason you blame throat cancer on oral sex between men is because no one’s giving you head anymore. And it’s pitiful, because the whole world knows what you and Allen Ginsberg got up to, back in the day. So just STFU, ‘kay?

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24. Sharron Fucking Angle. How do you know she’s insane? Hint: Watch the diarrhea trickling out of both sides of her mouth. And what kind of Christianity calls human welfare “wicked ways”? She is superstitious and incapable of rational thought. She is also utterly dishonest. She is NOT electable. Let’s face it, this loony harpy is the spawn of Satan.

25. Arnie Fucking LeMaire. Guess who’s gettin’ sued for defamation? Aw, what a shame. Couldn’t happen to a dicker dickweed than Mr. Five-Feet-o-Fugly, I mean Mr. Kathy Shit-All. Watch the not-so-professional hatemonger whine about how his free-speech rights are being trampled, now…Poor baby, wanna hankie?

26. Trevor Fucking Case. As human beings and boyfriends go, he’s a piss-poor excuse for one. Too bad BushCo are out of power, he’d make an excellent interrogator. He has the waterboarding thing down pat.

27. David Fucking Bahati. Oh yeah, legislated homophobic murder–inspired and urged by those US fundie missionaries who are always putting their hands in where they’re not wanted–is totally gonna save Uganda. And–hey wait!–no, sorry, false alarm. That was just a hallucination of a winged pig with lipstick sailing past my window. Too bad. Guess this means Uganda IS going to hell in a self-made handbasket after all.

28. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy. Ramming through austerity measures is sure hard when you’re tooling around the world with an ex-supermodel wife in a newly redecorated presidential jet that might well be described as a Flying Taj Mahal. While Angela Fucking Merkel is still a wanker, she’s right about this one–it’s worse than bad taste, it’s a fuck-you to an already outraged French populace. But what do we expect of a con de merde like Sarko?

29. Dustin Fucking Dominiak. Congratulations, douchebag, you actually made me feel sorry for Christine O’Fucking Donnell. Which, I’m sure, was NOT the idea behind your anonymous hit-piece on her unwaxed nether regions. It’s one thing to point out a right-wing candidate’s hypocrisy and its bad implications for women, but this was not that. This was just sensationalism, and it wasn’t sensational enough for Penthouse, obviously, since you wound up not getting laid (being ultimately more dud than stud, and a flower easily wilted). Was it necessary to hit her THAT far below the belt? Jeez, it’s not as if we females don’t have enough body issues on our plates already. I hope you enjoyed your squicky fun while it lasted, because I can’t imagine you’ll be terribly popular with any other ladies from now on. Especially not if there’s a good chance that you’ll write immature, disparaging shit about their pubic grooming habits. Or lack thereof.

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29 1/2. Fucking Gawker also deserves a round of boo, both for publishing that shit and for (lamely) justifying it.

30. Fucking McDonald’s. Never again will a Big Mac or Quarter Pounder cross these lips. Or yours either, if you value democracy. Corporations have no business telling their employees how to vote. Or, for that matter, to instruct them to vote in such ways as will leave any poor schmuck who works at Mickey D’s to be even more screwed by capitalism than s/he was before.

31. Jonah Fucking Goldberg. Well, at least, he admits that radioactive waste can kill people. The rest of those brain-dead neo-cons still want us to believe that Iraqis can eat it morning, noon and night and feel nothing but liberated. Still, Doughy Pantload deserves nothing less than a dose of his own KGB-esque medicine for what he wants done to Wikileaker Julian Assange. PS: What Jymn said!

32. Christian Fucking Whiton. Should be charged with crimes against humanity. Along with all his other cohorts from the Bush State Dept. But since all that happened before Obama, and apparently all those assholes STILL enjoy immunity from prosecution, a wank-listing here will have to do…for just opening his big fucking fascist yap and BREATHING.

33. Michael Fucking Welner. He can’t read Danish, and he hasn’t read the “evil” book, written by an incredibly oafish Danish “expert”, on whom he bases his “expert” testimony in the Omar Khadr case. His entire argumentative thrust is that Omar is evil because he is a Muslim and the Qur’an is an evil book that made him so. It’s the same bullshit you can hear from any jabbering idiot on talk radio. Yet we’re supposed to take him seriously as an expert? FAIL. This isn’t a trial, in case you’ve noticed, unless you refer to Stalinist kangaroo-court antics as “trials”.

And that’s it for this week. Here, have a cute video about trick-or-treating:

Now if you’ll excuse me, my broom is running. Gotta fly.

Good night, and get fucked!

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2 Responses to Wankers of the Week: Crappy Halloween!

  1. Anthony says:

    Wow, Jonah “Liberal Fascism” Goldberg wants to murder Julian Assange. I guess he was just looking into his own reflection when writing his hate book.

  2. Hallowe’en props to the inimitable Queen Bina for a tall steaming drink of snark!
    I think the comments on that arsehole in Arkansas are bang-on. Dude’s probably wrestling desperately with his own repressed gayitude. You can just see the self-hatred coming out his ears. Sad.

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