Wankers of the Week: Pumpkin puke edition

‘Twas the week before Hallows, and all ’round the Earth,

The wankers were wanking. ‘Twas no cause for mirth.

They frightened the horses and sickened the kids

With the dumb things they said and the crap that they did.

I’d soap up their windows and TP their trees,

But to lie down with dogs is to get up with fleas.

Instead I’ll just list them; I’m sure you’ll agree

That the trick is on them and the treat is on me!

1. Jay Scott Fucking Newman. Remember that there’s a separation of church and state? He doesn’t. Basically, he’s the Communion Nazi–if you voted for Obama and don’t repent, no wafers for you! Since when is penance required for a “wrong” (i.e., for a pro-choice candidate) vote? Since NEVER. Father, if you don’t want to pay taxes on your church’s tithings, don’t you dare tell your parishioners how to vote. (And hands off the altar boys, too.)

2. Ken Fucking Buck. Yeah, being gay is exactly like being an alcoholic. That’s why there are so many chapters of Gay Anonymous, duh. And yeah, alcoholism is like totally a lifestyle choice, too! How in fucknation does one get stupid enough to think shit like this? Is one born that way, or does it come from the doctor dropping you on your head immediately after? No, of course not. It’s a choice, and it comes as a result of homophobes recruiting you from an early age. If the voters of Colorado pick this assclown to represent them, they’re gonna have buyer’s remorse–and probably some nasty diseases–for damn sure.

3. Adam Fucking Josephs. If you thought Officer Bubbles was a wanker last week, read his Scribd legal claim this week and see just how much of one he is. Sheer (humorless) comedy gold. PS: LOLz. PPS: And oh, the irony.

4. Bob Fucking McCarthy. Yep, McCarthyism is back…and this time, it’s going after the peaceful Sufi Muslims of the US. Specifically, one small town in New York, whose reputation is now mud. At long last, sir–have you no shame???

5. William Fucking White. No, hate speech is not “free”, and no, you’re not anonymous on the Internet when you spew. There ARE laws in place to protect the people you only think you have the right to harass, and under them, you can get sent to the Big House, where you’ll be incommunicado for an awfully long time. My trolls might want to clicky the linky, and soil their pants accordingly.

6. Angela Fucking Merkel. Multiculturalism “doesn’t work”? Tell that to my parents, Angie. It worked fine for them…but then again, that’s why they’re Canadians now, and not still living in Germany. When my mom came into Germany as a refugee from Yugoslavia just before the end of the war, they treated her like a foreigner, and not another German, even though an ethnic German is what she was. If they treat their own like second-class citizens, imagine how they treat Turkish immigrants. This insulting, patronizing “learn German and abandon forced marriage” business helps no one and nothing, since most Turkish German citizens have already done so anyway, of their own free will. And more disturbingly, it sounds like not a damn thing has improved since the war ended, either.

7. Joe Fucking Miller. You know you’re in trouble when you have ethics complaints undisclosed. (It doesn’t help if you shove 8-year-olds around.) And you know your campaign’s in trouble when an unaccredited “security” firm (really, just mercenaries) first harasses and then handcuffs a reporter for nothing more than asking questions. And speaking of which, you know you’re a wanker if you hire your “security” mercs from a highly questionable company run by…

8. William Fucking Fulton. Oh, where to start with this one? Blatant racism: Check. Unconvincing denial of same: Check. Trouble with business licence: Check. (And that’s only as a “sporting goods” shop, NOT a security company.) And then there’s the professionalism problem; check out how he (or some hired hand?) deals with customer dissatisfaction in his yellow-pages listing:

Nice language, eh? Just what you’d say to drum up business, inspire confidence in your customers, etc. The world is just gonna beat a path to your door there, bucko!

Funny he should be so disparaging about female genitalia, too, since he’s also been under restraining orders for stalking and, oh yeah, sexual assault. Terrific guy all around, this one!

9. Calvin Fucking Hill. Teaching students about sex is not the same as encouraging them to have it. I should know, because I learned about it early…and took my sweet time getting around to the “having” part. And yes, knowledge played a direct part in that. Ignorant kids are the ones most likely to hop in the sack, precisely because they don’t know all the facts or take the time to protect themselves. Ignorance is bliss, at least until you get used, dumped, sick or knocked up. Sexual ignorance destroys lives. But you know what’s really galling? Mr. Keep-‘Em-Ignorant here is a big fat dildo-peddling hypocrite. He made a bloody fortune selling the same erotic tools he doesn’t want college and university students to know about. I wonder if he also has a wide stance or requires rentboys to lift his luggage; wouldn’t surprise me if he did.

10. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. Yes, there was a bigot and a holocaust denier at the panel discussion he attended. And it was Alan Fucking Dershowitz.

11. Justin Fucking Rehberg. No, burning a cross (with a noose attached) and yelling racial slurs on an interracial couple’s front lawn is not a bit racist. Especially when it inspires an anti-racism march in their support!

12. and 13. Todd Fucking Seavey and Helen Fucking Rittelmeyer. For God’s sake get a room, you two. Oh wait, on second thought, don’t–just get out from in front of the camera if you’re gonna have a spat.

14. Daniel Fucking Greenhalg. This one is a predator, and a skeevy one at that. What little authority he had, he abused atrociously. At least now, his uniform won’t entitle him to any special privileges, other than having to watch out for where he drops the soap.

15. Ginny Fucking Thomas. Not only crazy enough to be a teabag, but to demand an apology from a woman who owes her NOTHING–and to whom she owes one, in fact. If I were Anita Hill, here’s what I’d write to her:

Dear Mrs. Thomas:

I am very sorry that the truth offends you.

With all due respect (i.e. NONE)–GET STUFFED.

Sincerely,

Anita Hill

And speaking of apologies owed, I’d say Clarence Fucking Thomas is long, long overdue for several, himself.

16. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Yes, Billo, the whole world is horrified. Horrified that you’re not in jail yet. Horrified that you still have a show, horrified that you’re still ghosting books, horrified at the mere existence of you.

17. Toni Fucking Harris. Aside from the fact that it’s just plain excessive to put prepubescent girls in as “junior” cheerleaders, who could possibly think it’s a good idea to make them shake their butts at the crowd in order to “please” it? And what portion of the crowd do you think is the most “pleased” to see under-aged butts wiggling?

18. And that goes double for you, Lisa Fucking Ernest. Tight skirts and booty-shaking for SIX-YEAR-OLDS??? In what strange parallel universe is any of that a good idea?

19. David Fucking Stern. This one’s something worse than a wanker, since he makes people homeless for a living. And speaking of living: How many fucking luxury cars can one man drive, anyway? A fitting karma would be for him to lose them all so he doesn’t even have one to live out of when the Universe takes its revenge on him.

20. Juan Fucking Williams. Well, it was about time NPR cut this islamophobic wanker loose. At least now it will appear to justify its “liberal media” BS tag again. Meaning, there is a chance now that it will appear to report more objectively and honestly…we hope. Meanwhile, guess who’s gonna be stepping up his crapaganda level at FUX Snooze? (PS to NPR: Time to get rid of Mara Fucking Liasson, too. Anyone with connections to FUX must GO.)

Oh, and what is this Stokely Carmichael shiznit? Or this other shiznit? Gee, it’s beginning to look like NPR finally made a really good business decision, for a change!

21. Maggie Fucking Gallagher. Yes, you DO have the blood of gay suicide on your hands. But don’t worry, you’re not the only one. All those homophobic idiots who listen to or sympathize with you do, too. Plenty of guilt to go ’round, hon, so help yourself to a nice fat slice of the poo-poo pie! And for God’s sake, stop the fucking whining. Jesus rolls his eyes every time you open your mouth, girl.

22. Rich Fucking Iott. Last week he was listed for playing Nazi. This week, he’s listed for playing soldier. Next week, he’ll undoubtedly be listed again…for playing with himself.

23. and 24. Rush Fucking Limbaugh and Karl Fucking Rove. Oh, get a room, you two…no, wait, on second thought, don’t. I love it when the Nazis start eating their own. It’s so Night-of-the-Long-Knives-y. Please, carry on. And may the worst man burp!

25. Jodie Fucking Foster. Sorry, but anyone who defends Mel Fucking Gibson has just lost me. Feminist icons don’t defend domestic abusers–it’s as simple as that!

26. Joy Fucking Masoff. Historical revisionism, anyone? There is no way a slave can fight for anything willingly, being a slave. And much less for the “right” to keep slaves.

27. Angelina Fucking Jolie. Yes, that’s right, she’s listed. Why? Because in the real world, women don’t fall in love with their own rapists. And especially not in the ethnic-cleansing conflicts of the Balkans! In what strange parallel universe is it okay for a woman to direct a movie based on such a vile notion?

28. Vincent Fucking Johnson. Once again, trolls, take note. Death threats are illegal and authorities take them seriously. The Internet is not anonymous, and it is not going to shield you any longer.

29. The fucking bastard who drove a bulldozer over Rachel Corrie. I don’t for an instant believe he didn’t see her; she was wearing an orange vest and was unmissable. Surprise, he’s lying! Why is he being granted anonymity? Because Israel’s fucking government gave him the order. And it wants to make sure the world gets the message that Israeli soldiers have total impunity for any crime they do, anywhere, anytime.

30. Art Fucking Robinson. Surprise! Another teabag candidate is a racist. Who reads racist lit like it’s some kind of classic (which it isn’t; it is long out of fashion, and for a good reason). Let’s hope Oregonians are smarter than to fall for this piece of trash.

31. Sharon Fucking Meroni. Figures that someone co-ordinating Repugs to go “challenge” the voting rights of minority voters would be a racist Birther. And yes, she appeals to the unemployed–whites, no doubt–to help out in the Repugs’ campaign of prejudice. It’s time to make vote-“challenging” illegal, USA–it’s just plain antidemocratic.

32. Kelly Fucking Khuri. Yes, the John Birch Society WAS extreme. FASCIST extreme. Just like the Teabaggers. Who are, of course, the descendants of Birchers. (And if you think that’s not extreme, get thee to a gas chamber.)

33. Russ Fucking Murphy. And speaking of extremist tea-tards, get a load of who’s backing Christine O’Fucking Donnell. Who is still doing her damnedest to out-stoopid Sarah Fucking Palin, BTW.

34. Jennifer Fucking Petkov. If anyone ever deserved to be called an unfit mother and to lose her kids, this woman is IT. Making fun of a 7-year-old dying of Huntington’s is just about as low as one can sink, short of killing her oneself.

35. Stephen Fucking Harper. Who will henceforth be known as Taliban Stevie Peevie, for reasons too clear to deny. And who sucks up to the military while throwing women under the bus. Somehow, those two seemingly unrelated items tie together, don’t they?

36. Stephen Fucking Broden. Whenever you get sick of democracy, that’s cool–there’s always violence. Annie, get your fucking gun.

37. Mark Fucking Steyn. The only place HE should be booked to speak is a max-security psych ward for the criminally insane. Hey, he’d have a capacity audience for the first time in his miserable life!

38. Fucking Dubya. Yes, he’s still around. Hasn’t drunk himself to death yet, but it sounds like he’s workin’ on it. Says his biggest failure was not privatizing Social Security. Oh, you mean like that roaring success of Pinochet’s that ruined Chile? I (still) say the US’s biggest failure was not impeaching that greedy good-for-nothing motherfucking bastard.

39. Ethan Fucking Ogden. Like Wanker #34, an utterly unfit parent. There is NO excuse for what he did. NONE.

40. Pierre Karl Fucking Peladeau. Because it’s not a subsidy when TORIES do it!

41. Orrin Fucking Hatch. Wasn’t he among those who persecuted Anita Hill in a flagrantly sexist manner for telling the truth the first time around? (So much so that the women of the US cleaned House and Senate, and voted for Bill Clinton to boot?) I seem to recall that he was. Nice to see that he’s still at it, so touchingly defending his pervy Uncle Clarence and dear, deluded Aunt Ginni. At least the man is consistent, albeit consistently a WANKER.

42. Karl Fucking Denninger. Yes, the Father of the Teabags has finally weighed in on the monster he helped to make. If you don’t want to attract douches, Karl, how about not being such an idiot yourself? The US constitution has not one clause in it enshrining capitalism as the law of the land. It does, however, say an awful lot about paying your taxes to support the common good. Something, I’m sure, that you don’t give a rat’s ass about.

And finally, to this week’s highly up-close-and-personal wanker, a cracked bell:

You list me, I list you. And block you and report you for spam, since you seem to be in the habit of making hate-mongering lists targeting those who make you look like an idiot (not that you need any help there). Also like you had a hard time graduating kindergarten: I’m “ugly”? “Inside and out”? Um, no. Actually quite the contrary, as I’m repeatedly told by those who actually KNOW me. You do not.

I don’t know who you are either, Cracked Bell, but I can see you need help, and lots of it. I suggest a good foundry, one specializing in repairs to defective metals. You need to stop listening to Glenn Beck, as I’m sure that’s what left you so damaged in the first place. And get a life. (But I repeat myself…)

Good night, and get fucked!