Wankers of the Week: Wanktoberfest


Yes, there really is such a thing in Germany…yes, I’ve been on it myself and can recommend it, the view is fantastic, about 400 peaks on a clear day…and no, you can’t play with yourself while riding it, unless you want to be arrested by some truly humorless cops. Or whacked over the head by the loaded purse of a big, bad-tempered Helga.

Happy Oktoberfest, everyone! Pull up a big Steinkrug of something frothy and full of hops, you’re gonna need it. This sour Kraut is gonna serve you up the Wurst* of the Week. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Carl Fucking Paladino. This is why there’s a legal separation of church and state, kiddies. Kids shouldn’t be brainwashed into thinking that a sexist, racist, bestiality-loving homophobe is an equally valid and successful option. At best, this jackass is a dysfunctional heterosexual. That’s not only nothing to be proud of, that’s not normal. But being gay is, and what’s more, there’s nothing optional about it–unless you think you also get to pick and choose your hair and eye color at conception. PS: Care to explain THIS, Carl? Or this? Oh, and how could we forget this?

1 1/2. Yehuda Fucking Levin wrote that homophobic drivel? Well, there goes the church/state separation.

2. Byron Fucking Williams. Surprise! He was brainwashed into a violent, armed terror plot by Glenn Fucking Beck. Which reminds me…

3. Glenn Fucking Beck. Yeah, sure, your health problems are caused by “spiritual wounds”, Biff. Totally self-inflicted, since you chose to be a Mormon so you could schtup your wife–who, mirabile dictu, STILL puts up with your shit. Sky pixies work in mysterious ways! Now get the fuck down off that cross, you’re nobody’s fucking messiah. PS: You’re nobody’s fucking Anaïs Nin, either. PPS: And stop telling people to give money to Big Fucking Bidness. It already has more of their cash than it knows what the hell to do with. The last thing it needs is one more fucking carte blanche to screw the people.


4. Malcolm Fucking Gladwell. I always did find his reductionist approach irksome, and now I know why. He’s too glib, and way too shallow. He’s also detached from reality! People who don’t use social media are ill-positioned to pontificate on why these sites don’t work as activist tools. Speaking as one who’s used them for such myself, I know he’s dead wrong. And I also know in what ways he’s dead wrong. Facebook and Twitter are great tools for getting necessary news and campaign links out to activists, and are quicker and easier ways of reaching mass audiences than door-knocking and phone-calling. Cheaper than placing ads, too. PS: Did I mention that he’s full of shit?

5. Mark Fucking Kruger. Surprise! That hard-ass right-wing cop who brooks no leftist dissent, in a city (Portland, Oregon) famous for just that? Nazi symp all the way. LITERALLY. So much so that he’s even used public spaces for his fascist activities. Isn’t that illegal? Ja, verdammt noch mal, es ist!

6. Karl Fucking Rove. Yes, how DARE Obama tell the truth about you? The worst possible thing for a Democrat to have is a spine. And the second worst a mouth not full of marbles where Repugs are concerned.

7. Sarah Fucking Palin. Just how many times is she gonna change the story of Trig’s birth before finally admitting that he wasn’t really her baby after all? I’ve lost track of all the revisions on this one, but it just keeps getting hinkier. And harder to believe.


8. Alan Fucking García. Not content to be the president of Peru (and yes, a big fat corrupto), he’s a bully, too. Pick on someone your own size, you gigantic sack of shit!

9. Charles Fucking Leaf. FUX Snooze “reporter” (note the quotes) sexually assaults 4-year-old girl. Republican family values in action, yet again. Film at 11.

10. Pamela Fucking Geller. One of American Fascistan’s dumbest blogtards might also be a scamstress with ties to organized crime. Might be, you say, sneering? Well, we knew she was criminally stupid and a grifter from the content of her blog alone, but we just didn’t know that car money played into it. Also, Sopranos-style hit jobs. (No, I’m not kidding. Go to the link and see for yourself. I command you.)

11. Lynn Fucking Crosbie. So, it’s okay to use gay as a derogatory adjective, then? Cool. Your pissy little screed is so gay. And black. And Jewish. And…got the idea yet? Oh, and PS: Lines like this…

The media are not raising your bully. Smack some sense into that kid.

…are not terribly bright of you, either. Parents who smack their kids around are the ones who raise bullies. Did you sleep through that lesson, Lynn? And the media ARE influential, with or without the collusion of parents, like it or not. You call yourself a journalist, Lynn? Then learn to use language responsibly, and don’t give me any “free speech is sacred” excuses. Homophobic “free speech” is getting kids beaten up and killed lately, in case you haven’t noticed.


12. Trent Fucking Franks. Abortion is WHAT? Um, no, it isn’t. But you know what IS worse for blacks than slavery? That this long after the Emancipation Proclamation, black women in the US are still not the mistresses of their own wombs. And men of all colors still have more power over that organ than THEY do.

13. Ken Fucking Buck. Like I was saying for Wanker #12. Men of all colors. And etcetera.

14. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Mammograms are WHAT? Um, no, they’re not. Men get them too. And men with moobs like the Pigman’s are more likely to need them. Just something to consider the next time you go off on one of your “Feminazi” rants, Rusty. And you better pray that pretty new beard missus of yours doesn’t end up dying of cancer because of the stupid shit you said, either.

15. Lee Fucking Abrams. Roger Ebert, of the competing Chicago Sun-Times, asks if there’s “an adult in the house”. Well might he wonder.

16. Marshall Fucking Mathers. Yes, that’s right, Eminem made the wank-list this week. (Last week it was Fifty Fucking Cent, for the same basic reasons.) And no, he’s not being charged with sexism and homophobia because he’s white (as he claims), he’s being charged as such because he is sexist and homophobic. Also a self-important fucking putz who’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer. That shit is intolerable, whether the shitter is black OR white. Any questions?

17. Ilario Fucking Pantano. Did no one give this assclown the memo that the Cold War is over? Get off the fucking panic button, you’re wearing a hole in it.

18. Michelle Fucking Malkin. If arrogance bothers her so much, why didn’t she say boo about Dubya’s immense arrogance over the course of eight fucking years? And speaking of bitter, Ms. Maglalang, you’re IT. Shut the fuck up and fuck the hell off, you unhinged little racist troll.

19. Mark Fucking Kirk. And while we’re on the subject of racists, how about this screaming closet case? Caging black folks’ (usually Democratic) votes in Chicago is one good way to get your ass in deep shit. And deservedly so.

20. Rand Fucking Paul. If you’re hostile towards government, DON’T RUN FOR PUBLIC OFFICE. How hard is THAT to process? And if you think the problem of discrimination should be left to the individual, well…I’m sure the slave owners of the 1850s south thought much the same way. And we all know from just a cursory glance at history how amenable to voluntary change they were! (Come to think of it, simple-minded flibbers shouldn’t run for public office, ever, period. All they’d ever do is vote to entrench the problem, never solve it. Anyone who thinks Howard Roark was real should also be automatically disquaified.)

21. Pat Fucking Sajak. Say what? Public sector workers should not be allowed to vote on issues that concern them directly? Oh great. They should not get a say. That’s what Sajak is saying! Now hear this: Disenfranchisement is antidemocratic, and so is capitalism–and so are its out-of-touch adherents.


22. Stephen Fucking Harper. How not-a-leader is he? So much so that Canada’s gonna have to wait another 10 years before vying for a UN Security Council seat. Oh, and get this: He and his band of buffoons blame Iggy for their own fumble–when they’re not busy blaming a nefarious “secret” popularity contest at the UN. Thanks, Harpo–for pissing all over “the principles that this country holds dear”, as you so quaintly call them! The UN is one of those, but your right-wing remake plans for it certainly are not.

23. Fucking “Marlene” (no last name given). Assaulting a woman for wearing a niqab does NOT make you a victim. Nor is her wearing one an offence. Comprenez-vous?

24. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Still not dead yet. And still not distinguishable from a crackbrained fundie-Muslim cleric, either. People who think like that have no one but themselves to blame when women don’t want to marry anymore.

25. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Why?

That’s why.

And remember Jeremy Glick when you hear Billo talking sanctimoniously about those 9-11 families he patronizes. That’s how he REALLY feels about them–he doesn’t give a damn for any of them, unless they serve HIS purposes. And even then…he really doesn’t give a damn for anyone but Bill O’Fucking Reilly.

26. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Would somebody please put a sock in him? Everytime he opens his homophobic piehole, a kid gets bullied to death. And victim-blaming (“If we want to see fewer students commit suicide, we want fewer homosexual students”) isn’t going to help. Next thing you know, this asshole is going to be calling homophobes the victims–of some kind of nefarious gay agenda plot to squick them fatally out, I bet.

27. Ann Fucking Coulter. Seriously, Connecticut? You couldn’t find evidence of the Coultergeist’s voter fraud, even when it’s as obvious as the boniness of her kneecaps (which could put your eye out, BTW)? Or is it somehow not voter fraud when well-connected white Repugnican blowhards do it? In any case, FAIL.


28. Brendan O’Fucking Rourke. The only reason I have this racist school shooter listed as a mere wanker, and not something much worse, is that he didn’t manage to kill the kids he fired upon. But how could anyone miss his flamboyant derangement when he was known for shouting “Death to Obama”, too? Maybe because the media is still bending over backwards to kiss the tea-turds’ collective ass? Oh, just maybe.

29. Craig Fucking Chandler. Some friends of mine know this one only too well, having tussled frequently with his far-right homophobia during their days at McMaster University, where he led the campus chapter of the then Reform Party (which has since been merged back into the Tories from whence it came). So we know he’s a sleazy little fascist who’s never done an honest day’s work in his life. And now we know he’s also a shyster getting rich off other people’s misery. In other words, not much about this one has changed between then and now, except to grow even more so.

30. Julian Fucking Fantino. Another homophobe currently trying to make it as a SupposiTory by-election candidate. This one was an absolute disaster as chief of the OPP. His specialties? Going after gays on the pretext of looking for kiddie porn, opposition to the long gun registry (which puts him at odds with other police chiefs, who like it) and oh yeah, RAMPANT RACISM. He was an epic fail as a provincial police commissioner, in other words. But a perfect fit for the Tories, who think gravity should be made to work in reverse.

31. Pedro Fucking Bordaberry. Yes, that’s right, the son of the former Uruguayan dictator is on the tweeter. And accusing the democratically elected ex-Tupamaro president of Uruguay, Pepe Mujica, of “authoritarian temptation”. As opposed to his own old man, who gave in to that succubus without so much as a blush. Don’t you just love it when oligarchs are so consistent?


“Pedro, they sentenced me to 30 years in jail…they say I shat on the constitution!”

“Dad, tell them the truth–there was no more toilet paper!”

32. Matthew Fucking Continetti. Who? Oh, just another of Sarah Fucking Palin’s little sycophants. Still pathetically trying to defend her with complete illogic, which is all they have left. Stick a fork in her, and don’t forget to skewer them–which shouldn’t be hard to do, as they’re conveniently attached, remora-like, to her ass. They’re all done.

33. Tony Fucking Blair. Yes, the Poodle is back on the wank-list, and so’s his book. Not because it’s anything great to wank to, but quite the opposite; reading that limp sample passage about what he did with Cherie when he needed a power boost just about wilted my nipples. I think that at this rate, he should be a shoo-in for the Bad Sex Award. The fact that Martin Fucking Amis is already shortlisted means he’ll be in, er, illustrious company.

34. Adam Fucking Josephs. Yes, Officer Bubbles is back on the wank-list. This time, for wanting to sue a creative YouTuber who used his perfectly legal freedom of speech to make some much needed fun of a hard-ass who was stupid enough to get caught on camera abusing his powers. Apparently, this still ain’t Canada. PS: What Dawg said.

35. Jordan Fucking Forney. Funny how everytime a bunch of fratboys get caught with their pants metaphorically down, reinforcing sexism and rape culture, it’s an “isolated incident” where “things just got out of hand” due to a “lapse in judgment”. When is anyone going to admit that the problem is systemic, and that it happens everytime a bunch of guys get together and use aggression as a pretext for bonding? When will anyone admit that fraternities are what Vonnegut’s Bokonon would have called a granfalloon? And who will be the admitter? Jordan?


36. Condoleezza Fucking Rice. Yes, Dubya’s dear Auntie Condi decided to rear her conked head this week and admit that “mistakes were made” in Iraq. Unfortunately, she made a blunder of her own. See if you can spot it here:

“I do believe I would take Saddam Hussein out of power again, but of course in the rebuilding of Iraq … I would do things differently,” Rice said. “I think we put too much emphasis on Baghdad and not enough emphasis on the provinces. Perhaps we didn’t fully understand the degree to which the society would start to come apart as a result of being held in tyranny for all those years.”

At the same time, Rice said it is still too early to fully judge the success or failure of that war or other foreign policy issues in the administration of George W. Bush.

Still too early? It’s been two years since Dubya’s been done robbin’, rapin’ and killin’. And as I’ve been saying all along, Saddam’s “tyranny” is not the reason Iraq fell apart; the same BushCo that took him down built him up back in the 1980s, when the enemy was neighboring Iran. The reason, the ONLY reason, is that Iraq got bombed, blasted and plundered by BushCo. And of course, Condi would never acknowledge that, because that would be self-incrimination. She was, after all, in charge of the foreign policy mess that she’s now trying to spin, yet again.

37. Sharron Fucking Angle. There is literally no lunacy that’s too loony for her. But when Crazybitch starts slamming my home and native land, it’s personal. FYI, Sharron, you fucking idiotess, precisely NONE of the 9-11 terrorists got in through Canada, much less Mexico, or illegally. They all came perfectly legally through US international airports. If anyone’s gonna have his immigration puppy-papers in order, it’s a member of al-CIAda. Got that? Good. Now fuck off.

38. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. Uh oh, did somebody forget that the Nazis were on the right, not the left? Looks like he did. And looks like the ADfuckingL forgot, too. The fact that Rupee donates money and airtime to the most overtly fascist party in the US slides right by those dumbfucks. As does the fact that most US Jews are, and have long been, Democrats, if not REAL leftists! Oh yeah, and guess what…those who criticize Israel the most, and most cogently, in the US…are JEWISH. Who’s the Nazi again?


And finally,
to all the fucking teabaggers out there who are brainwashing indoctrinating homeskooling their kids with that shit. I can’t really put it any better than The Rude Pundit can, so I’ll leave you with his words on the matter and sign off as is my custom:

Good night, and get fucked!

*And yes, Wurst can also be German slang for shit. Stands to reason, nicht wahr?

This entry was posted in Wankers of the Week. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Wankers of the Week: Wanktoberfest

  1. A.Political says:

    Keep it coming…and g’night and get f*cked

Comments are closed.