Wankers of the Week: Dial N for Nincompoop


Ring-ding-a-ling…Teh Stoopid is calling. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. Fortunately, you’ve got me to pick up…and this is who rang my chimes this week:

1. Gregory Fucking Hartnell. Screaming homophobic Red Menace resurrectors, anyone? I strongly doubt that there are enough anti-choice assholes in Victoria, BC, to take this one seriously, but I thought I’d list him anyway, just so y’all could have a good laugh at his expense.

2. Jeff Fucking McGuire. Not all cops are assholes with badges, but this one is. If you can’t apologize to the innocent people whose lives you wrecked during the Toronto G-20, you might as well turn in your uniform. You’re not serving and protecting anyone; you’re a menace to the public.

3. The Fucking Grauniad. Yes, that’s right, the UK Guardian, that once reliable paper of the centre-left, is listed this week. Why? For confusing Avaaz, an international NGO, with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. In other words, they passed off a popular international groundswell against right-wing media…as the heavy hand of the state at work. (Item: The channel in question would be overwhelmingly supportive of the current SupposiTory government.) That’s not witty, that’s shitty reporting. Get some original thinking in there, you twits, and quit trying to be cute.

4. Barbara Fucking Bush. Way to make a fetus fetishist of your son, Babs–inflicting the remains of a miscarriage on him. That is the most grotesque fucking thing I’ve read all week; it’s right up there with Rick Fucking Santorum making his family fondle a fetal corpse instead of releasing it to the morgue to be buried. You just don’t do things like that to a kid–it fucks them up.


5. George W. Fucking Bush. I did say it fucks them up, did I not? Dubya is so fucking “pro-life” as a result of his mom’s grotty fetus-in-the-pickle-jar stunt that he has no problem ordering people to be slowly drowned. Or bragging about it. This is what psychopathic war criminals are like, folks. All concern-trollish about the contents of wombs, and all callous indifference once the kid is out of utero, especially if it’s non-white and comes from some other country. And they don’t see one iota of their own massive cognitive dissonance, either. I bet he thinks “Thou Shalt Not Kill” applies ONLY to fetuses, and that every single person born (outside of his own small circle, of course) is fair game. PS: STFU about Venezuela, and just FOAD. Srsly, Shrub, no one fucking cares what you “think” anymore. Least of all down there. Go drink yourself insensible and quit running your idiot mouth. You’ve embarrassed and horrified your country enough with the pickled-fetus thing and your two unnecessary wars already.

6. Jill Fucking Montgomery. Why?


That’s why. Millions of cancer-stricken and birth-deformed Vietnamese no doubt know the score MUCH better than head-in-a-sandhill Jill.

7. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Impersonating Keith Olbermann? Well, we all knew Bowtie Boy was no real journalist; it’s why he dresses up as one but never delivers the goods. Still, isn’t this going a bit far?

8. Ann Fucking Coulter. Just for being on Dubya’s reading list (as befits his chief, glib, Ivy League pseudo-intellectual fluffer), the Coultergeist deserves a permanent place on everybody’s wank-list.

9. Elie Fucking Wiesel. Same link as #8. Approving of Dubya’s plans for Gulf War II is NOT the act of a decent humanitarian, or worthy of a winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. Get thee up there with Henry Fucking Kissinger.


10. Greg Fucking Thompson. If you’re gonna hand-pick your successor from the so-called Canadian Taxpayers’ Federation (which, incidentally, does NOT represent the average Canadian taxpayer, but Big Fucking Bidness), you might not want to promote him using taxpayer money or taxpayer-funded Commons resources. Eh?

11. Lou Fucking Dobbs. The #1 racist hypocrite in US media finally lands his FUX Snooze gig. Only took the old bastard a year to do it, too. Fuck you, Lou.

12. Ted Fucking Nugent. I’m still waiting for the Wango Tango Wacko to start sucking on his loaded gun. Right now, as he has done throughout his career, he’s just plain sucking, period. But hey, as long as he does his shitting in the Washington Moonie Times, and not his pants, who cares?

13. John Fucking Gilliand. This one’s bat-shit nutso, but he’s still a damn sight saner than #12. Or #14, come to that…


14. Glenn Fucking Beck. Hate the Jews much? Next thing we know, the Human Hemorrhoid will be telling us that the Protocols of the Elders of Zion is a real, honest-to-gawd Jewish conspiracy. He’s already dredged up every other crappy antisemitic book in the library, so why stop at that one? PS: Saying you aren’t, when no one accused you of it, is basically saying you are.

15. Fucking Amazon.com. Guess who won’t be buying anything of theirs until they get rid of that odious self-published guide to “pedosexual” activity? And no, this is NOT a free-speech issue. Because there is NO “safe”, let alone legal, way for an adult to rape a child, and there should be no “guide” purporting to reveal it, either.

16. Philip Fucking Greaves. See above. ’nuff said.

17. Bryan Fucking Fischer, again. Somehow, I don’t think he’s talking about Sarah Fucking Palin and her “mama grizzlies” when he says grizzly bears are a “curse” that should be wiped out. I say he and his ilk are the real curse. And if they’re gonna go killing anything, let it be themselves.

18. Chris Fucking Wallace. His dad must be rolling in his grave. Not only is Mike Wallace’s son a lousy journalist (working for FUX, where else?), he’s a skeezy, scuzzy, skeevy, scummy excuse for a man. I never thought I’d see the day I felt sorry for Mike Fucking Gallagher, who hawkishly jeered Cindy Sheehan on the loss of her son to Gulf War II, but Chris Fucking Wallace made me do it. Fuck you, Chris, fuck you very much.


19. Joe Fucking Warmington. Excuse me, Joe, but when did Remembrance Day become synonymous with chickenhawks cheerleading war by kissing veterans’ asses? Oh, only NEVER, that’s when. It was ALWAYS about peace…otherwise, what’s the point of remembering a war? The idea of remembering all that horror is not to repeat that motherfucking bullshit, dumbass. David Miller was right when he said that war was depravity. So’s your shitty column.

20. Kristina Fucking Schröder. Like I so often say, conservative women are conservatives first, women dead last. That’s why, if it’s a contest between a progressive man and a conservative woman, I’ll vote for the dude; he’ll at least strive to make things better for everyone, including me. A conservative woman? Pfui Teufel. All they care about is the moneyed interests, same as their chauvinistic male counterparts. And they’ll misrepresent feminism, too, while they’re at it. It’s the same in Germany as anywhere else: Make a conservative woman a government minister, and she’ll only throw her entire sex under the bus. Was für ‘ne Unverschämtheit!

21. Christie Fucking Blatchford. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the fucking kitchen and don’t light the fucking stove. And if you can’t face student protest, don’t go on campus with your inflammatory bullcrap. But don’t spout off about “censorship”, because nobody censored you. You wimp out, you own your wimphood. Just like the Coultergeist, Christie Blatchford is a big, fat, bullying wimp who can’t face the Anti-Racist Action activists who came, not to censor, but to call her on her shit. And yes, she is RACIST.

22. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Yes, he’s ba-ack. And this time, for sheer absurdity. I can tell you as a woman that there is NO cause so compelling that I’d ever consider inserting a tampon bomb to wage suicide terrorism for it. That’s just too repugnant to even contemplate. But apparently not for Gomer…because he’s a Repugnican, and they’ve cornered the market on crazy.


23. Gretchen Fucking Carlson, same link as above. “Over sexed youth” use tampons because of the feeling? What kind of mental virgin comes up with shit like that? A properly placed tampon can’t (and shouldn’t) be felt! Has it ever occurred to her that we use those things because they’re invisible and less cumbersome than maxipads? No, no…too obvious and not prurient enough.

24. Erika Fucking Winchester. No, it’s not a bit racist to refer to your black mailman as a nigger. Not a bit. Just like it’s not a bit crazy to repeatedly rant and assault people. Which this woman has also done.

25. Carolee Fucking Bildsten. Whacking a cop with a dildo is outré enough. But a dildo still attached to a harness? That’s not kinky, that’s perverted. (Also hilarious.)

26. Sarah Fucking Palin. Remember how she bragged about taking advantage of Canada’s single-payer healthcare? Well, this makes her look an even bigger fucking hypocrite than that did. Not to mention a bigger fucking idiot. If you really want to prevent abortion, the thing to do is not destroy Obama’s very modest healthcare reforms, but to USE BIRTH CONTROL, YOU IDIOT.


27. Cindy Fucking McCain. Shameful doubletalk. Or should I say doubletweet?

28. John Fucking Shimkus. Never mind God; it’s MAN who is destroying the Earth, and we already know what the word of a man is worth. Never mind what some book says; that’s the word of man, too. And man has no business passing himself off as a god. When my own neighbors are living on top of radioactive waste, more than a million cubic metres of it, and global warming is a reality, and the polar bears are starving because the Arctic pack ice is no longer forming properly, then all the “Word of God” won’t save you. Stupidity, basic human stupidity, is the real devil here.

29. Tony Fucking Blair. Stay out of my country and its affairs, you fucking poodle. And don’t go supporting the SupposiTories, either.

30. Miguel Fucking Hernández Souquett. You shit on the Bolivarian Revolution, the Bolivarian Revolution shits right back on you. How’s that for reciprocity! And for those anglo media whores wringing their hands over this dumbass shitter and the so-called infringement on his freedom of speech, may I remind you that I’d probably be arrested for wearing a shirt reading “Fuck Stephen Harper”, and my US friends likewise for one reading “Fuck Bush”. Hell, people were arrested for much less offensive wear than that during the last G-20 summit here, no slogans necessary. And BRUTALIZED, too.


And finally, to Mikey the Twitter Tr
. Yes, Mikey, I hate you…for standing me up. If you really have my phone number, why don’t you call it and see what happens? If you really have my e-mail address, why don’t you use it and see what response you get? And if you really have my home address, why not show up in person? I guarantee you that a good time will be had…well, by me, anyway. Your mileage will almost certainly vary. (See above image for illustration.)

Good night, and get fucked!

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