Wankers of the Week: The murky month of No

November has got to be my least favorite month. Maybe because it starts with No. As in: No leaves on the trees, no green on the grass, no real daylight hours left. And no warmth in your bones. It’s a month that feels like death. And people like these–no love in the heart, no brains in the head, no guts in the belly–aren’t making it any better for me, either:

1. Rob Fucking Ford. A campaign deficit, you say? And it’s how much? And you’re planning to pay it off HOW? See, I did predict that this nasty fuck’s honeymoon would be over before it began, and oh, how right I was! Things like this make me perversely glad to be living in the 905 region all of a sudden. PS: Look what else Robbo lied about. Maybe this is how he plans to pay off HIS deficit. Won’t help him with the one he’s gonna run up by the time he gets through wrecking TO, though.

2. John Fucking Boehner. You know you’re an asshat when Roseanne Cash–yes, the venerable Johnny’s daughter–takes to the tweeter to spank you.

3. Danny Fucking Williams. Way to justify the dick joke, you dick.

4. Rick Fucking Perry. Social Security is a Ponzi scheme, but Wall St. isn’t? Um, yeah. Just wait till this one starts drawing his old age pension. Or the fat one he gets, whether he wants it or not, as a former elected official.

5. James Fucking Pasternak. Memo to the new Toronto city council member: Queers Against Israeli Apartheid (QuAIA) is NOT an antisemitic hate group. It is exactly what its name says. And PrideTO, which has always been a political event (or at least was one before it became commercialized out of all recognition!) doesn’t need censorship or sanitizing. “Scrutinize” all you want, but at the end of the day, if you’ve got a brain, you’ll be eating your words and leaving Pride AND QuAIA alone.

6. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Yup, the old figilio di puttana has stuck his foot in it again. This time, he managed to insult both women AND the gay men who like them. Memo to Da Berluscoglioni: Having sex with a lot of women (especially if you have to pay for it) doesn’t mean you don’t hold them in contempt. And NOT having sex with them doesn’t mean you don’t still love them. I don’t expect a facelifted old fart with a gigantic ego and a pea brain (and an eeny teeny peenie) to know that much, so that’s why I’m putting it out there. PS: Oh, FUCK.

7. Fucking Dubya. As long as he lives, the massive fucking wank that was his reign will simply not die. Case in point: his memoirs. He had a “sickening feeling” about not finding WMDs in Iraq? Shit, that’s nothing compared to what the Iraqis felt at being bombed for fuck-all. And no, getting rid of Saddam doesn’t make up for all that. Remember Rummy shaking hands with that bastard back in the ’80s? Of course Dubya doesn’t, he was probably still vacuuming up the coke like it was going out of style. Anything to avoid laying the blame on your old man where it really belongs, eh George? PS: A “dissenting voice”? This real dissenter calls BUSHIT. Remember who said he was The Decider? That’s right, Dubya did. And no, he didn’t exhaust all diplomatic options. Anyone who even timidly suggested that he do so was swatted aside. And Dubya doesn’t remember that? Guess he, like Ronnie Raygun, reigned with dementia. Isn’t there a law against mentally incompetent people holding federal office? Why is this man not locked away? Oh, that’s right…state mental hospitals defunded for the umpteenth time. Repugnicans at work, folks.

8. Linda Fucking Harvey. Somehow, I don’t recall Michelle Obama mongering hate against obese kids the way this wankeress does against gays. Holier-than-thou FAIL!

9. Mike Fucking Sorrentino. Nice bod, shame about his entire fucking head. His face is dough, and his brain is cabbage. Yeah, I guess saying I wouldn’t do him even if he stuck a bag over it makes me a “grenade”. So fucking what? Who cares what this tacky assclown “thinks”? Between him and his equally douched-out brother, Palookaville is getting awfully crowded. And the young adults of the US prefer watching this shithead to being politically informed and voting? FAIL.

10. Christine O’Fucking Donnell. With any luck, this will be the last time I list her. Or maybe not. Her non-concession concession speech doesn’t hold out much hope for me, know what I’m sayin’?

11. Evan Fucking Bayh. A quitter who lost enthusiasm and votes by catering only to the Blue Dog minority and abandoning the progressive base is the last person who should be telling his party what to do. Right-wing nutjobs and wimpy-ass centrists are never gonna vote Dem, so fuck ’em. If the Dems want to win, the formula is simple: Work on a true progressive agenda and don’t bother trying to woo those who will never be won. You can’t fix stupid, and you can’t win with stupid on board. In short, Evan the Loser: Shut the fuck up and go the hell away. You’ve done enough damage already.

12. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Nancy Pelosi was never a favorite of mine, especially not when she defended “MY president”, the unelected Dubya, from the well-founded criticisms of a man he repeatedly tried to kill, namely Chavecito. Still, the Pigman is about 10,000 times worse than she is, and you can rest assured I’m already working on a playlist of songs with which I’ll commemorate his departure from this world when the time comes.

13. Jim Fucking Prentice. For once in his miserable political career, he actually did something right for the environment. Then, less than a week later, he up and quits. To spend more time with his family. Oh yeah, and did we mention that for him, “family” means the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce–an environmental and social villain if ever there was one?

14. Arianna Fucking Huffington. Yes, she’s listed, as much as it pains me. I know she’s a recovering Repug, and that’s cool, but is publishing gross sexism really the best way to fight the most grossly sexist party in the world? Didn’t she see enough of that shit when she was still one? Didn’t her mother ever teach her not to sink to their level?

15. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yes, she’s still making news. No, she still won’t talk to the media (excluding FUX Snooze, of course). But even when confined to the tweeter, she’s still as stooperfluous as ever. (And racist. Surprise, surprise.) Oh yeah, and reality-impaired, too.

16. Randall Fucking Terry. Who knew that Truth and Justice could become dirty words? They have…in the mouth of a murderous bastard who wants Republican candidates to show anti-choice gore-porn on TV.

17. Sharron Fucking Angle. Yup, another non-concession concession speech. Do any of these teabags have even a remote connection to reality? Even one?

18. Glenn Fucking Beck. I guess this must mean Obama isn’t a Muslim anymore. Make up your mind, asshat, as to which he is. Oh wait…you think he WAS one, but converted? Fail. He was a Christian all along. BTW, if you want to know what kind of violent death I fantasize for you, it goes like this: I hope you hemorrhage to death when your exploding hemorrhoids finally blow your head out of your ass. PS: You know you’re a fucking asshat when Nouriel Rubini slams you on your lack of basic fiscal comprehension.

19. Mayara Fucking Petruso. So much for the assertion that Brazil is a racial democracy. Seems that racism is still alive and well there, although happily, it’s NOT “protected” speech, on the Internet or anywhere else. Her online tirades against nonwhites from Brazil’s northeast (she calls them bums) got her into trouble at work. Fired, actually. And it serves her bloody well right.

20. Karl Fucking Rove. He just got beaten up by another girl–namely, Sarah Fucking Palin. The only thing that would make me happier would be to hear that another leftie chick clobbered him.

Failing that, this would also work for me.

21. Mark Fucking Steyn. Education is turning us into wimps–and dooming us all to become slaves of MUSLIMS! So says yet another right-wing nutjob bogus intellectual who never made it past high school. Oh, and get this: Mr. Macho got his start in “journalism” as a musical theatre critic. Mark, is that a little pink skeleton I hear, doing the Watusi in your closet?

22. Rand Fucking Paul. “There are no rich. There is no middle class. There are no poor”, claims the man who clearly parachuted in from some other planet where that may be the case. (It is not at all the case here!) But there are definitely stupid people on this planet, and if he’s not one of them, the gullible gomers who elected him a senator for Kentucky certainly are.

23. Judith Fucking Griggs. No, the entire Internet is NOT “the public domain”. There’s a word for what you did to Monica Gaudio (among others), and it is THEFT. The fact that you claim to have been doing it for three decades is especially rich; that’s more than long enough to learn that it is WRONG. Anything written by others which you publish, for profit, is work you should at least offer to pay those others for, however modestly. Saying “it happens all the time” is no excuse; frequency of occurrence is not a measure of legality or acceptability. Plagiarism is still plagiarism, no matter where it happens or how often. There is such a thing as fair use, and what you did does not qualify. Fair use means citing a portion of text, as long as is needed to make a point (and as brief as possible), and giving the author due credit. It is NOT lifting a whole article, editing it as you please, and then republishing it, under any name, without so much as a by-your-leave–if republishing an article, especially in edited form, you should ALWAYS ASK THE AUTHOR FIRST! It is also considered a courtesy to explain how you plan to edit the piece, so that the author understands and agrees to the changes. And there is also a word for the whole effrontery of telling someone else she should compensate you for stealing and mangling her work, too. The word is CHUTZPAH. PS: You’re a lousy writer yourself, Judith–a poor speller, and as stingy with punctuation as you are with your authors. Your magazine title needs an apostrophe, and your snotty e-mail to Monica is missing several commas. You also misspelled the Cortland apple, and it should be “Late peaches until they’re gone”! No wonder you have to steal other people’s work; you’re not good enough to produce your own. After “doing this for 3 decades”, that, too, is inexcusable. You should be paying ME for pointing THAT out–and grateful that none of your advertisers were smart enough to catch on to your 30-year grift.

24. Stephen Fucking Fry. Nice non-apology apology, dude! Here’s one from an offended feminist, which will no doubt offend you: I’m sorry your ego is so easily bruised. I’m also sorry you were such a fucking idiot, and so completely fucking ignorant about women in particular and society in general. Next time you feel like getting all ahead of yourself, follow this infallible formula: Open eyes, open ears, open mind, and keep big mouth shut.

25. Fucking Harpo. How little
do women matter to him and his so-called government? O, let us count the ways; we could be here all day. Or just read the link for one of them. PS: Call this fiscal conservatism? Wastrel. Oh well, I guess you can find ways to make up for that, eh?

26. Fucking MSNBC. Fucking hell, Keith Olbermann was the only thing on that channel worth watching, and they cut him? For a political donation? It would be only fair if they did the same to Joe Fucking Scarborough, but of course they won’t. The fact that there’s an R after his name makes him different, somehow…I guess.

27. Jackson Fucking Diehl. Somebody remind this ideological assclown that neither Fidel nor Chavecito was running for election this fall. Or re-election, in the case of the latter. And that neither Fidel nor Chavecito gives a damn if Repugs DO own the House of Representatives right now. Surprisingly, both these men are well aware (as Diehl is apparently not) that a lot of Dems are equally bad at foreign relations and that whole diplomatic, not-trampling-Latin-America-like-a-stupid-gringo thing. Remember Nancy Fucking Pelosi?

28. Mark Fucking Penn. And speaking of ideological assclowns and Dems, how about this former “advisor” to Her Royal Clintoness? He’s not working for her anymore–there’s a shocker–but she’s still ill-advised when it comes to LatAm, because her basic tune doesn’t differ all that much from Auntie Condi’s. Yer honor, my case rests.

29. and 30. Terry Fucking Nunn and Blair Fucking Crowley. Yes, the wankers of the Campbellford Legion’s Halloween costume contest have been identified. And guess what? The one in the blackface is a retired Toronto police officer and his best friend is black. Of all the people who should know better…aw, who are we kidding? The only way this could have been more offensive is if he’d been the one to don the Kluker sheet and his black buddy had worn the noose.

And finally to “pub”, whose e-mail address (probably bogus, but what the hell) I’ve decided to link in case any of you lovebugs feel like writing him a little heart-warmer; the poor basement-bound bastard can probably use it. I banned him for leaving the following sploodge on this entry here…

You are such an ignorant, intolerant piece of Canadian shit. Mind your own fucking business, freak.

That pithy little piece of projecthun–sorry, projection–comes to us from IP #68.229.194.106. That’s in Oklahoma City. Where they know all about how ignorant and intolerant we peaceniks are. Why, our ignorance and intolerance could have prevented a warmongering terrorist from blowing up their Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building, and calling the kids in its daycare centre “collateral damage”. If we freaks only hadn’t minded our own fucking business! But of course, we did, and 168 people died that day. Ah, the glory of the Supreme Sacrifice…

And just think. Letting things like this happen is what passes for intelligence and tolerance with certain denizens of OKfuckingC. I’d hate to imagine what’s in the local water. Maybe it’s leftover toxic residue from Tim McVeigh’s truck bomb, still eating people’s brains after all this time. Beating your dick raw on a stranger’s desktop won’t help you there, pal. Here’s what will: Get out of Redneck City a bit, see the world, and learn something about cultures that aren’t based on superstition, racism, greed, and yee-haw. That way, you won’t be as tempted to make war…or whack off on my blog.

Good night, and get fucked!