Wankers of the Week: More Wikiwanks, plus a Santa sack of mixed nuts

Whee! Two whole weeks of Wikileaks. How’s everyone liking the insights into the corporate diplomatic spookospheric complex? And just think, this is only the tip of a very large iceberg. With only about 0.5% of the total of Cablegate currently released, things could soon get a whole lot more interesting, in the Chinese-curse sense of the word, for some people. These ones, meanwhile, didn’t all need Julian Assange to lay their butts bare to the world at large; their wanks are manifestly obvious:

1. Bristol Fucking Palin. Or whoever ghostwrites for her (and probably, her mother.) Attacking Margaret Cho for merely reporting the obvious is pretty damn low. But doing it on the grounds of sexual orientation, when Cho is a well-known bisexual? That sucks even more than Bristol’s lacklustre dancing. But the fun part is that it obviously wasn’t Bristol that even wrote that stupid shit about “commonsense conservatism” (an oxymoron if ever there was one). Bristol is barely literate; she can hardly string together a single sentence, even one that makes as little sense as this choice bit of run-on homophobia: “You say you ‘don’t agree with the family’s politics at all’ but I say, if you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert.”

2. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Still on about the fucking Obama birth certificate that was produced long ago. And here’s the really rich part: the Pigman is disappointed that Wikileaks didn’t have it! As though it were some kind of state secret. It’s not. Especially not in the state of Hawaii. How much OxyContin does one have to guzzle to be unable to accept something so simple–and obvious?

3. Kenneth Fucking Kimbley. Yet another fucking racist psychopath who was “inspired” to try terrorism by Glenn Fucking Beck. There is a running tally of these, BTW; so far, it’s up to at least three. How much longer is THIS bullshit going to go on? When will Biff finally be arrested alongside his loyal, treasonous devotees?

4. Sarah Fucking Palin. Surprise! She’s not a real hunter after all. Well, okay, so you’re not surprised. Neither’m I. Mainly because we know she’s phony, from the top of her ratted head to the soles of her salon-tanned feet. She was never a real feminist, never a real mayor, never a real governor, never had a real chance of becoming VP (especially since her running mate was not, in fact, a real US citizen by birth, but a Panama Canal Zonian). And now, as she guns for the presidency, she’s once again projecting a false image–this time of a subsistence hunter, one who’s paying obscene sums of money to pretend she’s puttin’ food on her family. At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that her much-speculated-on boobs were fake, too.

5. Tom Fucking Flanagan. See, I told you death threats were illegal here, Mr. Manly-Man. So is shit like this.

6. Don Fucking Cherry. Speaking of manly-men, get a load of what the loudest-ever mouth on TV wore to the swearing-in of the loudest-ever mouth (yes, including Mel Lastman) to be elected mayor of Toronto. No, that’s not the wank. The wank is why he wore it, and what he said while wearing it. Fine words coming from someone whose salary (hefty) is paid exclusively by the Canadian taxpayer. Ahem, that’s us “pinkos” and “left-wing kooks”, Don. We’re the Canadian majority, in case you hadn’t heard. (Remove head from ass, ol’ man–then you wouldn’t have to yell so much, either.) You wanna talk about us “pinkos”, “scraping the bottom of the barrel”, Don? Maybe, if you rode a bike to work, you wouldn’t have to buy so much fabric for your gaudy jackets. Some part of you besides your talk might actually get tough. And maybe then we wouldn’t keep mistaking you for an overstuffed sofa that had learned to shoot off its mouth and be utterly wrong, at the top of its crotchety lungs, about virtually everything–including hockey, which those European guys you so love to hate actually know how to play.

Pinko buttons courtesy of Spacing. I’m gettin’ me one of each. ‘Cause I’m a left-wing, bike-riding pinko.

7. Luke Fucking Scott. Um, are we supposed to take seriously a Birther’s pronouncements on everything from deer hunting, to Maryland’s alleged importation of coyotes (!), to Venezuela’s supposed gun-crime problem (too many people getting shot in the streets with machine guns, but that’s because there are NOT ENOUGH GUNS IN THE STREETS?) He can’t even get straight his own president’s country of origin (Hawaii), so pardon me if I laugh like a fuckin’ hyena and say yeah, I can see how so many jocks (especially wingnuts like him and #6) come by that “dumb” image. Some of ’em come by it all too honestly, I can see that. Anyone who mistakes socialism for communism for gun-grabbing for gun-crime in the streets is not to be trusted in any profession requiring mental exertion; he’d fry the only two neurons he’s got. And if he ran for office, he wouldn’t be “loved and hated”; he’d just plain lose. Let’s hope for his own good that he sticks to baseball. And if he starts running his mouth ever again, someone please just stick a wad of chawin’ tobaccy in there.

8. Charles Fucking Krauthammer. Obviously, the hammer that hit the Kraut was one of utter ideological blindness and high partisan stupidity. We all know that if John McCain had become president and done what Barack Obama did this week, Charlie would be falling all over himself to praise the wisdom of it, the Repugnican party, and the Amurrican Sheeple.

9. Th
e Fucking Vatican. Surprise! Cablegate reveals it to be Cover-Up Central of the Catholic church’s sex scandals. Apparently it also expects the government of Ireland to kowtow to it as a not-so-benevolent overlord. We already pretty well figured as much, but it’s always nice to have hard-wire confirmation of just how sick and perverted the uppermost ranks of the ecclesiastical hierarchy really are.

10. Fucking Pfizer. The world’s leading manufacturer of boner pills apparently fancies itself an overlord as well…in Nigeria. Where it’s been using local people as guinea pigs for a drug trial gone very, VERY wrong. And NOT wanting to pay compensation to the locals. Because, you know, niggruhs.

11. Alex Fucking Jones. A sane person would be worried about Glenn Fucking Beck sounding like him. Alex, for one, welcomes his new chalkboard cheeseball overlord.

12. Bernie Fucking Goldberg. He wants “a big bronze and granite monument” to honor his Wall Street corporatist overlords. What a great idea! Can I get the commission? I’ve already built a maquette:

The plinth will be a nice, solid block of black granite, to represent the bedrock of the global economy. This, in bronze, will squat on top of it. There will be thousands of tiny brass flies crawling all over it, to represent the faithful presstitutes, like Bernie, who copy and paste the corporate news in a fair and balanced manner. Notice that there’s a finger pointing skyward in there? Represents how in crapitalism, the sky’s the limit. It will simply stink to high heaven soar when it’s completed. Isn’t it exciting?

13. The Phucking Phelps KKKlan. Yup, they’re pissing on corpses again. This time the target of their vileness is the late Elizabeth Edwards, who took so much shit in the latter years of her life between bouts with cancer and her husband’s shameful extramarital antics. Speaking of shame, shouldn’t Fred Phelps get some? Or, if he’s too old and senile, can someone at least knock some into his ungodly progeny? This crap has nothing to do with freedom of speech; it’s just plain cruel and inhuman.

14. Fucking TIME Magazine. “Palin” and “progress” are two words that should NEVER be juxtaposed, unless you’re striving for irony, because those are two terms that cancel each other out. And an e-mail “interview”? Srsly? How do they know they didn’t get the twit who ghostwrites the Paliness’s Facebook page? They don’t, of course. They really don’t know a whole lot of anything. But then, we already knew that.

15. Charles Fucking Ford. His cartoonish portrait of ousted Honduran president Manuel Zelaya takes some poetic licence, to say the least. Having seen enough videos of the latter in action (including footage of him holed up in the Brazilian embassy in Tegucigolpe, where he was shown in excellent spirits, playing guitar and singing “Happy Birthday” to a supporter) to know that he is anything but erratic, capricious, dictatorial and friendless, I wipe my posterior with Ford’s “impressions”. Just another fine example, courtesy of Cablegate, of how little real intelligence exists in US “intelligence” circles.

16. and 17. Joe Fucking Lieberman and Dianne Fucking Feinstein. Invoking the Espionage Act of 1917 against Wikileaks? There’s a whole lot wrong with that, as any legal expert could tell you, but let’s just sum it up with the basics: Julian Assange is neither a terrorist nor a spy; he’s a webmaster and a whistleblower. He did not pass on secret information to any foreign army for immediate field use; he made a small portion of a heap of diplomatic cables–documents which should be in the public domain, seeing as they were generated and paid for with public funds–available to anyone with a computer and Internet access who cares to read. And the New York Times got there nearly four decades ago with the Pentagon Papers, and they didn’t end up jailed for it either. Neither, in the end, did Daniel Ellsberg, who leaked the papers in question. This is a craven attempt at censorship, and it is guaranteed to be an epic fail.

18. Peter Fucking King. Yes, he’s ba-ack on the list this week. And I think he senses that what Wankers #16 and #17 have in mind is legally untenable. Which is why he, in the spirit of true fascist bipartisanship, has tabled an atrocity in the shape of a congressional act which he hopes will take care of that little problem. If it passes, look for all hell to break loose, and not just in Washington.

19. and 20. Scott Fucking Brown and John Fucking Ensign are also dishonorable mentions; see above. Nice to see that douchebags are never censured in Washington for their sexual peccadoes and nude photo sessions, either, as long as there’s an R after their names. Their scandals are well documented. Yet Julian Assange is being prosecuted on much flimsier evidence as a rape suspect; expect those charges to magically morph into espionage. The mind boggles!

21. Richard Fucking Milhous Fucking Nixon. Yeah, he’s been dead a few years; hence the extra Fucking. I think you’ll agree it’s warranted when you see just what a prejudiced cretin the old crook really was. But hey, this little red-haired German-Canadian lady has the inborn trait of knowing a Nazi when she smells one, so maybe there IS something to his nutty racist theories, after all.

22. Henry Fucking Kissinger. See above, and recall the money quote:

“The emigration of Jews from the Soviet Union is not an objective of American foreign policy,” Mr. Kissinger said. “And if they put Jews into gas chambers in the Soviet Union, it is not an American concern. Maybe a humanitarian concern.”

Humanitarianism: It’s un-American. Thanks, Henry, for that timely reminder.

23. Silvio Fuckin
g Berlusconi. A vote-buyer, you say? Well, bless my soul. And no, Wikileaks didn’t reveal that. It was pretty much a foregone conclusion, given that he’s the richest man in Italy and not above doing that. At all.

24. Alvaro Fucking Uribe. Gone from the presidency of Colombia, but not forgotten–thanks to Wikileaks. Nice move there, El Narco…invading Venezuela. To capture alleged FARC guerrillas. The one time you did that, you got your ass frozen. And again when you did it to Ecuador. Gee, I wonder what else is in those cables that can incriminate your scroungy little ass.

And finally, to all those who’ve resorted to smearing both Julian Assange AND his accuser in sexual and sexist terms. Your arguments don’t amount to a hill of shit if that’s the best you’ve got. A pox on both your houses.

Good night, and get fucked!