“Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat; please put a penny in the old man’s hat.” Unless of course he looks like the one in the ‘toon…in which case, you may want to spare the penny, chop off his head and roast him instead.Just one week to go until Xmas. Then it’s on to another tryptophan binge for me. Whoopee! But do you know what’s even fatter than the turkeys and geese? The wankitude. It’s so fucking huge, you can’t miss it. And here’s who’s got it oozing out their greasy pores this week:1. John Fucking Boehner. It’s not a question of whether men can cry, or whether it’s okay for them to do so. It’s a question of whether men can manipulate others with their tears and whether it is okay for them to do so. Clearly the answer is yes with Lesley Fucking Stahl, but I just wanna slap the selfish, self-pitying fucker straight into next week. Just imagine what the media would say if a progressive woman in politics did what he constantly, shamelessly does! His tears have nothing to do with anyone other than himself. And if he can’t get hold of himself, he has no business being in charge of a pop stand, never mind the US house of reps.2. Christopher Fucking Hitchens. Henry Fucking Kissinger is an easy target to take bitch-slaps at–especially if, like Hitch, you are actually his ideological offspring, desperately seeking to deflect responsibility for your own utter wrongness on a lot of rather important global issues. Neo-cons (and Hitch IS one, make no mistake) owe much to this old warmonger. Hitch, in fact, owes his entire loathsome career as a professional toady-cum-character-assassin to him, since he couldn’t have kept himself in gin without taking lessons (and payola) from the ratfuckers who are the fruit of ol’ Henry’s toxic loins. Shouldn’t he be bowing and scraping to him, instead? PS: Jymn has some additional good points about Hitch’s breathtaking silence on the subject of Richard Fucking Nixon. Why does Nixon get a free pass for antisemitism while his Jewish lackey gets all the bile? Better watch your glass house, there, Hitch, we can see YOUR antisemitism right through it.3. Lawrence Fucking Cannon. Between this irony-impaired wanker and the Paliness, Haiti seems destined to stagger under the slings and arrows of outrage forever. Not natural disasters, but human asininity, will end up bringing that poor country to its knees. Larry, instead of wasting your breath lecturing Haitians on democracy, why not look in the mirror and admit that our own is not exactly the best example? Oh, I get it…leading by example is not your forte. Carrot-and-stick bullying is. Explains a lot!4. and 5. Ben Fucking Brown and Richard Fucking Littlejohn. Blaming a wheelchair-bound man with cerebral palsy for the brutality of cops specifically trained and ordered to smash heads during protests? That may draw eyes to your TV respective channel and newspaper, but it’s also a terrific way to get yourselves regarded as nothing but idiotic, opportunistic dickheads. Pick on someone who can fight back, you cowardly fucking bullies.6. Wesley Fucking Scroggins. Who would say that a book about teenage date rape (with explicit descriptions of the crime) is “soft pornography”? A filthy, slimy pervert who secretly masturbates to just such awfulness, that’s who. I am sure that this one’s bid to have the book banned is just a way of adding to the illicit frisson he already gets out of it. And I shudder to think what his idea of HARD pornography is, if adolescent rape is “soft”. 7. Dean Fucking Del Mastro. To stop him is to stop Harpo. Canadian readers, please sign the petition.8. Sepp Fucking Blatter. Why did FIFA decide to hold the next World Cup in Doha, Qatar? Can anyone explain? Last time I looked, prohibitions on alcohol and Teh Ghey are NOT examples of a world with “no boundaries”.9. Les Fucking Kinsolving. Maybe, if you didn’t keep whining “Where’s the birth certificate?”, you wouldn’t be whining “Where’s my White House Christmas party invite?” now, you fucking racist tool.10. Ann Fucking Coulter. Oh yay, I was wondering when this irrelevant vampire would rise from her dusty coffin again. The Moon must have been in eclipse, because she’s crapped out yet another classic Coultergeist attack on free speech. She even finds a way to work her chronic, corrosive racism into the pile-on against Wikileaks. And, by damn, it’s a labyrinthine screed–can you make sense of it? I can’t. See? Vintage Coultergeist! Way to go, Ann, I didn’t think you had it in you anymore. Guess you found another virgin to drain of blood, so you did get an energy boost after all. Now, where’d I put my sharpened stake…? Oh yeah, here it is: YOU’RE NOT A FUCKING JOURNALIST YOURSELF, ANN! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT AN UNDEAD HACK WHO NEVER HAD AN INFORMED OPINION IN HER GODFORSAKEN LIFE. AND WE KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR BULK-BOUGHT “BESTSELLERS”. (There, that oughta do it…)11. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Wonder why this feminist isn’t joining the self-righteous stampede to vilify Julian Assange…or Michael Moore? It’s a no-brainer: If the Pigman is doing it, you as a self-respecting progressive should NOT. This is the same asshat who refers to us as “feminazis” on a regular basis, after all. And his pretending to be a friend of rape victims is the ultimate in male-chauvinist cynicism. For all we know, Rush the Pigman could be a serial rapist himself. He certainly talks like one.12. John Fucking Ivison. Lord knows I’m no fan of Iggy the Boyar, mainly because there’s not much separation between him and Harpo on a lot of issues–but could you please leave women’s shapely curves out of your diatribes, con-tard boys? Or would that just make it too politically correct…or just plain not interesting to read (as if it were interesting even WITH the sexism)?13. The Fucking Union Bank of Switzerland. Anal-retentive much?
14. Charles Fucking McVety. A band of mariachi cockroaches is playing the world’s smallest instruments for your pity party, Sir Homophobe. If you want to know what the heavy hand of censorship really feels like, try being gay in a world run by fundie preacher-men.15. Bill Fucking Sammon. FUX Snoozers told to distort the news? Color me so shocked. Surely this has nothing to do with the rash of stories this week on professional “libertarian” trolls being sent to dumb down the Internets, and how FUX Snooze makes you, well, Teh Stoopid. Surely just a malign coinkydink!16. Terrence Fucking Lakin. How to be a wanker, in 3 easy steps: Be a Birther, in the US Army; refuse a direct order to deploy overseas. Invite your own court-martial to force the issue of a fucking birth certificate into the public eye. Then, when tried and found guilty of dereliction of duty, whine that you should still be allowed to serve, and that being a Birther is no impediment, even though it’s supposedly the reason you refused a direct order to ship out when the army needs doctors to look after the war casualties. Yes, really–this guy tried all that. Yes, it IS nuts. Isn’t mental stability still a requirement for the job?17. Julia Fucking Gillard. If Wikileaks didn’t break any laws, then why did the Australian government join the pile-on against Julian Assange? Oh, I see…someone is still the empire’s prison bitch. And her party is now suffering in the polls for it.18. Conrad Fucking Black. Oh, look who lost his appeal but isn’t giving up! Making a federal case of it, and hoping the conservatard-packed SCOTUS will free him. Must be nice to have all those unearned (read: swindled) millions to be able to do it. But by the time they get around to it, Lord Ha-Ha’s prison term could be just about up. Wouldn’t that be a hoot? Meanwhile, millions of Yanks are still languishing for far lesser offences; they aren’t white OR rich, so they’re stuck. Do you think he could help THEM out? Nah. Too busy pitying his arrogant, asinine self.19. and 20. Anibal Fucking Cavaco Silva and Trinidad Fucking Jiménez. Yeah, Chavecito is “crazy”…so crazy that he managed to prevent Venezuela getting swept up in the global economic crisis that’s now eating Portugal and Spain (the respective homelands of these two undiplomatic wankers) alive. Don’t you wish your leaders were hot like him?21. The Fucking Ontario Minor Hockey Association. They must think racism is okay. Why else would they penalize a coach who wouldn’t stand for it, and protested peacefully, when one of his players was called a nigger? What a fucking disgrace the OMHA is.22. Mel Fucking Gibson. Calling Winona Ryder, who is Jewish, an “oven dodger”? Looks like his more recent antisemitic outbursts have a long history. Looks like those who still defend him as “basically good” now have a lot more ‘splainin’ to do. I wonder why Winona took so long to talk about it. Fear? Incomprehension? Reluctance to offend the Hollywood power machine? All distinct possibilities. Anyhow: Good on you, Winona, for speaking out–and fuck you once more, Mad Mel, you crazed evil fascist swinebag.23. Dick Fucking Cheney. The Big Dick is back, and has bought his way out of prosecution to the tune of a $250 million (US) slap on the wrist. No doubt it’s chickenfeed compared to what Halliburton pocketed in the wake of Gulf War II.24. Sarah Fucking Palin. Have I mentioned her yet? No? Well, consider this it, then. She’d “never shoot an animal for fur or fashion”, but she WOULD shoot one for show and cruelty. And of course, there’s that bearskin rug behind her. Given that she’s actually a lousy shot, I’m sure she’s not the one who bagged it. The layers of hypocrisy and stupidity on this bimbo are infinite. PS: I doubt very much that she ate that caribou, either. PPS: Ow! Sucks to be you, Sarah!25. Brent Fucking Bozell. If you’re gonna slag the so-called “liberal” media for supposedly “taking the Christ out of Christmas”, maybe you should give some equal time to FUX Snooze, which does the exact same thing. You know, to be Fair and Balanced™? Oh wait, you’re ON there. Of course you’re not going to bite the hand that feeds your miserable, wretched excuse for a media watchdog centre. And of course you’re going to go on banking on the fact that FUX Snooze viewers are the dumbest heaps of dogshit in the land, so that’s why they won’t question why it’s just as absent from THEIR channel of choice as it is from all the others!26. All the fucking banksters attacking Wikileaks. Surely not because someone there has access to all their dirty little secrets? Stay classy, banksters.27. Rob Fucking Ford. Being sued for libel when you really DID libel someone is not a SLAPP suit. But thanks for showing, yet again, that your chutzpah knows no bounds.28. The entire fucking Harpocracy squatting in Ottawa. Bad enough that our spooks are incompetent torture lovers who lick Yankee boots like they’re made of ice cream. Do they really deserve a Taj Mahal sports complex for THAT? Oh, I see what you did there. This is part of that manly-man
ification of our wimpy widdle nation, is it? A waste of tax dollars we shouldn’t be paying to the likes of you, is what it is.29. Tim Fucking Hudak (and his fucking Ontario SupposiTories). Soft on guns and softer on crime, that’s Tim the Recycled Harrisite. 30. The Fucking Grauniad. Way to go, idiots, you totally fell for the State Dept.’s crapaganda. Not only was Michael Moore’s movie, Sicko, NOT banned in Cuba, it was widely shown in local theatres AND on Cuban TV months before the CIA’s man in Havana squatted down and just made shit up–as is usual for the CIA’s man in just about any foreign “station” you care to name. In fact, the Cuban health system works just as depicted in the documentary, and is the island’s pride–along with its stellar educational system, which enables it to graduate medical doctors not only from Cuba, but all over the Americas. That’s why the Cuban government lost no time disseminating the film as widely as it could; it was a potent reminder to Cubans not to trust what the US government says about them. It was also rightly popular with the Cuban people, who certainly do not consider the hospital seen in the movie to be “mythical”, or even the exception to the rule. As Moore himself points out, the last time the State Dept. was this reliant on utter bullshit, Team America World Police was getting its counterrevolutionary ass kicked all over the Bay of Pigs. Would it hurt the Grauniad to make a phone call or two to Havana? Are they so strapped for cash that they’ve fired all their fact-checkers? They have Lexis/Nexis at their disposal; would it kill them to actually sit down and USE it? Would it hurt them to print a real retraction of their blatant nonsense, either? Because that snotty little appendage they tacked to the bottom of their embarrassingly dumb hit-piece isn’t cutting it.And finally, to Kate Fucking McMillan.* It only took her five years to finally discover that I existed, and to send her flying monkeys out to “scratch” me. And what did I get? BORED. Aren’t there supposed to be more clowns inside those silly little cars? Guess the recession is hitting the wingnuts hard, too. They can only afford a broken-down third-hand Harley with a rickety sidecar these days. Poor things.I was very gentle with the ass-kicking, all things considered, but they haven’t been back to challenge me on a single point of my refutation; that’s how butthurt these ‘winger winos get when confronted with real facts. But then, what do you expect of flying monkeys who operate on behalf of the Wingnut Wench of the West? When Dorothy (uh, that would be me) dumped cold water on their mistress and she melted down to a steaming frizzle on the floor, it didn’t take much to vanquish them! Poor unloved Kate, I feel sorry for you. Is your popularity down so far that this is the best you could do? Are you jealous that I won the Ruby Slippers this year and you did not? For someone so inordinately proud of her legion of brainwashed minions, you fail so hard. Better work on the quality of your blog, so you won’t have to resort to those tired old ugly bitch tactics. And speaking of tired old ugly bitch tactics: why are you not here to “debate” me yourself, if you think you know so much better than I do what’s going on in Venezuela? Buk buk buk b’kawww, Katie dear. Since the Mariachi Cockroaches are already playing for the pity-party for your soulmate Chuck, I could only spare one lonely trombonist for you…Good night, and get fucked!*No, I’m not linking to her shitty blog or her smack-talk about me. You wanna see it, google it.