Wankers of the Week: Wikileaks edition


Well! How’s everyone enjoying those Wikileaks? Those awful, incriminating things that whole governments are trying to ban, and mainstream media outlets are trying to censor? Well, no wonder–they make governments and media alike look like terrible asses, and have so far only served to confirm what I knew or suspected all along. Whether they’ll actually set any heads a-rollin’ is doubtful, since there’s a “so what’s new?” feel to the whole thing. But they certainly have brought out some interesting–and wankish–reactions from a whole coterie of usual and unusual suspects. And here’s which ones leapt out at me this week, in no particular order:

1. The Fucking White House. Of course, we know why THEY would want to censor Wikileaks. The stated reason (“endanger countless lives, blah blah”) is bullshit. The only thing these leaks will endanger is the political and diplomatic careers of a relative few, who are making all the messes that others are losing their lives trying to clean the fuck up. I don’t hope for more honesty or transparency out of Washington or any of its allies (much less decency on the international stage), but I do hope they’re all soiling their pants at the prospect of having them pulled down more often in future.

2. The Fucking Government of Australia. It’s rolled to the right, and nothing makes that more obvious than its latest foray into damage control. I can understand the bit about not linking to anti-abortion sites–those things are just vile, and actively promote murder in many cases–but Wikileaks does nothing of the sort. If anything, it may end up saving lives–by laying warmongers’ backsides bare, and forcing countries currently at war to wrap it up or risk more casualties in the not-so-distant future. If the Government of Australia thinks this is a bad thing, they can go fuck a dingo. Or better still, maybe the next Wikileaks release will send the dingo to fuck them.

3. The Fucking Saudi King. Requesting that the US (under their beloved BushCo, natch) bomb Iran? How fucking insane is that? More proof that unelected hereditary monarchs are Bhad Nhews.


4. The Fucking Mossad. They, too, conspired against Iran. And worse, they tried to drive a wedge between it and Syria (one of the few Arab countries on speaking terms with Iran at the moment.) I don’t suppose they’ll be getting any warmer reception in Damascus than they are right now–and right now, it is ice cold. Oh, and get this: They, along with the Saudis, are trying to shut down Al-Jazeera…which just happens to be one of the best and most honest TV channels in the world, and which reports unflinchingly (and often, unflatteringly) on what Israel, the Saudis and the US are up to in the region. Quelle coïncidence!

5. Peter Fucking King. Wikileaks is “a foreign terrorist organization”! For what? For revealing embarrassing information that most of us probably already knew or suspected from other reports not nearly so heavily hyped. Oh, my pearls! Where is the fainting couch?

6. William R. Fucking Timken, Jr. “Warning” Germany not to prosecute the CIA agents who kidnapped an innocent German, Khaled el-Masri, while he was on vacation in Macedonia? Oh yeah, heaven forfend that justice should be done. Good thing the Germans didn’t stand for that shit. Arrest warrants are out (with Interpol) for no fewer than 13 CIA agents. Next mission, should Wikileaks choose to accept it: Exposing the fuckers so justice can finally be done. Those arrest warrants are now three years old and time’s a-wastin’.

7. David Fucking Frum. Why?


That’s why. Once a neo-con hack, always a neo-con hack. Dave, as usual, you dishonor the memory of your mother, who was a REAL journalist. Do you think she appreciates being rolled, rotisserie-style, in her grave?

8. Jim Fucking Judd. Hey Jim, ever consider the possibility–make that PROBABILITY–that your spooks, and those in the US, were wrong about Omar Khadr? Or are you one of those “some people are more entitled to basic human rights than others” types? Oh wait, you’re a spook. I guess that answers THAT question.

9. The Fucking British Royal Family. Prince Andrew as pro-big-bidness wanker, but only in Kyrgyzstan, where he thinks the media’s not listening–fie on Randy Andy. And then there’s all that other royal misconduct–the sexual stuff that’s been deemed too hot for the chickenshit media to handle, much less the criminal courts to bring to trial. My money is on racist Prince Phil buggering the butler, how ’bout you?

10. Sarah Fucking Palin. What, did you think she was gonna shut her big piehole over all this non-treason (Wikileaks being an international site, not a US one)? And oh, what a comparison: her latest trashy little screed is supposedly on the same level of national and international importance with all those embarrassing cables from US embassies abroad! Was there ever such a legend-in-her-own-mind? Maybe she’d have an easier time keeping her own shit under wraps if she weren’t such a compulsive fucking attention harlot.


11. Jean-David Fucking Levitte. Again with the “Chávez is Mugabe” meme. The only thing those two have in common is being non-white (and in Chavecito’s case, only partially of African descent). Hmmm, do you suppose Sarko’s aide-de-cramp is a wee bit racist? As for the bit about Brazil “not supporting” the ‘Cito: C’est un tas de merde, bien sûr. Lula’s never had anything but kind words for his Venezuelan amigo. The right-wingers in the Brazilian parliament don’t count, either, seeing as they’re not the ruling coalition.

12. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Just because some Gulf st
ate Arab leaders are also chickenshits about Iran doesn’t mean you’re vindicated. Or justified in continual warmongering. STFU, already.

13. Sever Fucking Plocker. See above, and yell “BULLSHIT!” to the notion that the entire world shares the perpetual panics of the Chicken Little Likud party. It most certainly does NOT. Even all of Israel doesn’t do that.

14. Tom Fucking Flanagan. Why?

That’s why. Harpo’s right-wing nut-job mentor called openly for the death of Julian Assange. This is shit that you don’t even call for in jest; death threats are illegal in Canada, in case you need reminding, Perfesser. PS: That word “manly”, Tom, does not mean what you think it means. Next time you feel like doing the old chest-thump, just grow a fucking mustache and raise money for prostate cancer research like a REAL man!

15. Fucking Amazon. They’d alienated me already with their willingness to carry a how-to book on pedophilia (as well as a few other sickly self-published tomes–now removed, after protests–promoting “understanding” thereof). Reason: They “don’t believe in censorship”. Now they’ve thrown Wikileaks off their servers. I’m sorry, what did you fuckers say you believed in, again? More proof, in case you needed it, that corporations know no morality. And more reason, in case you needed it, to boycott them this holiday shopping season. Buy your books anywhere BUT there. I suggest you patronize your local brick-and-mortar retailers. PS: What Daniel Ellsberg said!

16. The Fucking New York Times. Too cowardly to name the names of the US diplomats that disparaged Canada. How do you like THAT, eh? We’re being collectively insulted by nameless spooks. The Paper of Record doesn’t believe in recording essential details like who said what about whom. Even when all they do is talk shit about my home and native land.


17. Glenn Fucking Beck. Well, this was predictable. Everything is one big Soros conspiracy to Biffy. And it’s only a matter of time before Soros sues him as he did to Ezra Fucking Levant.

18. Ann Fucking Coulter. Well, well. Another usual suspect crops up with another usual argument: Gays cause Wikileaks! Yes, Bradley Manning is gay; so fucking what? He’s a hero for singlehandedly trying to muck out two Augean stables simultaneously–the US military and the US diplomatic corps. If that’s what being gay does to one, more people ought to be born that way; Manning has all his marbles well placed. Can’t say the same about the Coultergeist. And yeah, Ann, I’d be truly surprised if even the self-hating homo-cons invite you to any more of their little whoopty-doos. I think at this rate, you’ve alienated everyone but the bony nag in the mirror.

19. Joe Fucking Lieberman. Figures that the wiggly worm who was appointed bearer of Dubya’s royal pissbucket would be the one trying to censor the truth about his activities off the Internets. Too bad for him that the revelations just keep a-comin’.


20. The Fucking Government of Sweden. No longer neutral. And apparently, too wussy to announce it themselves–the fucking US embassy in Stockholm had to do it. When it wasn’t too busy spying, that is.

21. The Fucking Government of Afghanistan. A clusterfuck? No. Who’d of thunk it? Hamid Karzai corrupt? Say it ain’t so. Well, I did say, for years and years, that he was Unocal’s man in the ‘stan, so this is all about as surprising as learning that the Sun rises in the east. Will set in the west; film at 6. I might be surprised that he’s been critical of the US, though; his points on that one are well taken. Pity he doesn’t act appropriately on them. And what’s this about private contractors and dancing boys? Shouldn’t heads be rolling over this one?

22. Philip Fucking Murphy. Speaking of heads rolling, this one probably will. The soon-to-be-ex US ambassador to Germany is just one of many examples of so-called diplomats who beshat themselves on the job with what looks an awful lot like espionage. So much so that the German government has now called for his withdrawal.

23. Helmut Fucking Metzner. See above. He’s the mole who fed the spooks in the US embassy, apparently. And he has already been fired by the German government. Unlike Gringolandia, Germany is a place where fuck-ups don’t fall up. They go down, where they belong.

24. The Fucking British Foreign Office. US and UK strategic interests: more important than the homeless exile of a bunch of islanders from somewhere in the Indian Ocean, apparently. We could sort of guess this just by the fact that nobody’s done squat to give the Diego Garcians their home back. But the declaration of a military base as a “marine protection zone” has got to be the most cynical fucking bit of chutzpah ever.

25. and 26. Robert Fucking Gates and Mike Fucking Mullen. Why?

That’s why. These two pious frauds are talking out of their uniform-clad asses. Nobody has been killed by a single leaked document or video; nobody, in other words, has died as a result of that document or video being released. Yet we have a brave young soldier in jail, facing over 50 years in federal prison, and a webmaster on the run, staying one step ahead of what’s got to be the most spurious prosecution of all time. (Comically, the only thing it seems they can really get him on is an alleged Swedish sex offence–“sex by surprise”, meaning failing to use a condomusually punishable only by a fine amounting to $715 US.) Given that US military leaders
make such a big tra-ra about fighting for freedoms, such as freedom of speech–this is hilarious. Or would be, if it weren’t so goddamned sad.

27. Jeffrey Fucking Kuhner. Another murder-mongering dickweed calling for the death of a man who has caused no deaths. This would be an excellent time to shut down the Washington Moonie Times, which has been a veritable clearinghouse for vile bile and senseless provocation ever since Sun Myung Fucking Moon acquired it.

28. Ezra Fucking Levant. Same as above, only substitute the QMI media chain. Vile, vile motherfuckers all. PS: I won’t be paying to watch him shit his pants on TV, either.

29. and 30. William Fucking Brownfield and Patrick Fucking Duddy. Yes, they WERE sent to interfere and foster putsches in Venezuela. No, Chavecito is NOT crazy when he makes accusations against them and the State Dept. that sent them. He knew this all already; Wikileaks only confirmed his and every other thinking Venezuelan’s suspicions. Any fucking questions?


And finally, to all you free-screechers out there who defend the “right” to be a Kluker, a neo-Nazi, a militant homophobe and/or misogynist, a doodler who crudely portrays Mohammed (particularly with a bomb in his turban), and any other form of odious speech designed to provoke warlike reactions and foster murderous hate. What’s the matter with you wimpy bastards? Where’s your ringing denunciation of this massive and very real repression of speech? Why are you not supporting Wikileaks right now? Why are you actively calling instead for the site to be censored? Oh, I see…it undermines your whole worldview, particularly the pro-war parts. Well, too bad. Can’t help you there. It’s not my fault that you’ve been full of shit all along. It’s not my fault if you’ve made bad life decisions based on right-wing crapaganda. And it’s not my problem if the wave of information finally sweeps you kicking and screaming into the 21st century, where the world is no longer one of empires and superpowers, but one where your right to swing your fist ends where other countries’ noses begin. Suck it up, bitches, because this is NOT going away.

Good night, and get fucked!

This entry was posted in Wankers of the Week. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Wankers of the Week: Wikileaks edition

  1. Anthony says:

    I wish I could say I was upset about our departure of neutrality – but I had a feeling where things would go when our Foreign Minister Carl Bildt refered to the Russians as Hitler during the Ossetia conflict. Swedes are still butthurt about their defeat to the Russians at Poltava in 1709, I guess.
    Yeah, I am angry with the Swedish mentality. Just look at the comments on the Local article, talking about how “we need to ally with the U.S., or the Muslims will take over our country” – the same fuckers that were cheering for the Laser killer that was terrorizing Malmö just a few months ago, because he was shooting at immigrants and other non-Swedes at random. And of course, by “Muslims taking over Sweden”, they’re refering to Malmö, thanks to that FOX News “report” and Jimmie Åkesson of the far-right Sweden Democrats (SD) lying in an article he published at a major newspaper where he claimed that “Muslims could become a majority in Swedish cities, just like in Malmö”.
    And seeing them enter Parliament and push the far-right agenda, I’m already getting sick and tired of seeing my tax money go to finance SD-blogs publishing personal info on dissidents and fighting against “political correctness”. It’s bad enough that SD:s Björn Söder insisted on ordering a “negerboll” (“n—er ball”) at the Riksdag café instead of just saying coconut ball. I hate to see in what state Sweden is in after four years of SD…
    I wish I could just leave for Uruguay tomorrow, I really would. But I digress – I miss Swedish neutrality.
    Alas, it is gone, as is the image of Sweden as a liberal, tolerant paradise.

  2. Jim Hadstate says:

    ‘Bina, now we need a kudos article for your (I think I have this right) El Equadoable! He offered Julian Assange a passport and refuge in Ecuador available at anytime and prohibition of any interference by Interpol. You know, that fascist attack dog of the US that only really goes after people the US wants caught, which you ironically point out here.
    Anyway, Rafael Correa is the Class Act of the Week.

Comments are closed.