Wankers of the Week: Ophiuchus edition

Crappy Saturday, everyone! So how are we liking the new astrology? Actually, it’s the same as the old one; lady in the cartoon could have kept her book, as it’s still relevant for all intents and purposes (entertainment primarily, please. We are not Nancy Reagan.) We still go by the Tropical Zodiac here, and that hasn’t changed. So you don’t have to worry about whether you are an Ophiuchus, much less how to pronounce it: Oh-phee-YEW-cuss? Aw-FUCUS? Ah, fuck it. These people are asshats no matter what sign of the Zodiac the Sun is in, or where it was when they were born:

1., 2. and 3. Jim Fucking Hoft, Ann Fucking Althouse, and Glenn Fucking Reynolds. Yep, it’s a three-fer–they all caught Teh Stoopid simultaneously when it comes to the effects of a change of lighting on His Barackness’s (greying, undyed) hair. First it was the closed captioning that got them, now this. People, watch out–viral stupidity is contagious, and highly embarrassing. I’m wondering if I should start offering a vaccine for that.

4. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. Wow, I knew he was a bag of dicks, but this one really takes it. Go Piers Morgan–I don’t know you from Adam’s housecat, but if you upset him, you’re well met here. (At least until you commit a wank of your own, anyway. Try to hold off on that for a bit, ‘kay?)

5. Teresa Fucking Scanlan. More proof, in case you needed it, that pageant contestants aren’t chosen for their brains, and that a dedication to dieting and hairdressing will take its toll on your mind. The newly crowned Miss America not only can’t string together a coherent sentence, she also doesn’t grasp the difference between espionage (which Wikileaks isn’t) and whistleblowing (which Wikileaks IS.) I foresee for this one a brilliant future as a Republican vice-presidential candidate and mid-term quitbull. My friends south of the border, I weep for you. And for the future of your children.

6. David Fucking Cameron. Suddenly, the British PM fancies himself a father of the nation, and therefore entitled to tell its outraged citizens to “grow up”. Someone please tell him he’s only a public servant, and the public is serving him notice that his services–or rather, his “reforms” thereto–are being found wanting.

7. Pat Fucking Buchanan. Why is this fucking fascist still being invited to appear on TV? He should have been shunned two decades ago. If you thought the Paliness’s “blood libel” snot-snit was bad, you’re gonna LOVE his “lynch mob” victim snivel-drivel. It’s a pogrom–a pogrom, I tellz ya! Rich white conservatives–the world’s biggest victims of oppression!

8. Laura Fucking Schlessinger. Because hey–why should Sarah Fucking Palin have all the fun of claiming to be oppressed and persecuted?

9. Roger Fucking Helmer. And speaking of oppressed and persecuted, poor Rodge…the tweeter bit him back. How was he to know he was only being a kinder, gentler homophobe? Don’t ALL gays really, secretly want to be “turned” away from that dreadful, destructive “lifestyle”?

10. Tony Fucking Bernardo. Isn’t it touching how Canadian gun nuts are taking up for the poor, beleaguered NRA? Guess they had to…it took up the cudgels (illegally) for them when that nasty, oppressive gun registry became law here, despite all efforts to sabotage it.

11. Danny Fucking Deutsch. What’s the difference between Sarah Fucking Palin and Snooki? One is a dumb, tacky, loud-mouthed, big-haired, orange-skinned embarrassment to humanity. The other is Snooki.

12. Baby Doc Fucking Duvalier. Chutzpah: He has it. First an earthquake, then cholera, now this motherfucker comes back to the country he ruined–the one that can’t get back on its feet because of him? Bad things really do come in threes. And oh woe is me, he fears “persecution”! Um, that’s PROsecution. Rumor has it that he has pancreatic cancer, and hence not much longer to live; that would be nice. Failing that, though, life imprisonment will also do just fine.

13. Sarah Fucking Palin. When in a hole, dig deeper? Lousy philosophy, but we knew she’d do it anyway. Anything to keep her name out there. One question: Does she WANT to be forever unelectable? Because that’s what this is boiling down to. PS: Here is the sound of one political career imploding:

Cheery, innit?

14. Rick Fucking Man-on-Dog Santorum. Yes, he’s at it again, hatin’ on the gays. At this rate, all the skeletons are gonna bust out of his closet simultaneously, screaming “MARY!!!” That is, if all the gay critters in the animal kingdom don’t mow him down first. Because, y’know, if you’re gonna talk about what’s natural, you had best let Nature be your guide!

15. Robert Fucking Bentley. What would Jesus do? Well, for starters, he wouldn’t pull any of this “If you’re not a Christian, you’re not my brother” shit. In fact, I distinctly recall reading him say words to the effect that we’re all brothers and sisters here, like it or not. Now, will somebody please tell the guvnor of Bamma to get right with God?

16. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. There’s always a buttload of hateful things to choose from when it comes to the Pigman’s wanks, but this week, my absolute fave is how he and his dittodorks damn near crashed the computers of the Tucson sheriff’s office. With hate mail for truth-telling hero Clarence Dupnik, of course.

17. Stephen Fucking Harper. Fighter jets are worth the money, but the gun registry isn’t? Naturally, Stevie-Peevie hasn’t served a day in the military OR on any police force. BTW, his waffling on the non-reform of the Senate is sheer comedy gold.

18. Travis Fucking Corcoran. Someone please remind this nutter that being armed for bear and threatening to kill liberals isn’t “free speech”, it’s uttering death threats. Which is NOT protected under any constitution, anywhere.

19. Glenn Fucking Beck. Why?

That’s why. No, of course all his violent rhetoric has no real-world effects or consequences, you silly critics! He’s just an entertainer! An entertainer with a persecution complex who has a remarkable knack of projecting it onto his brain-damaged audience, who then go out and shoot the befuckingjeezus out of everything! Of course he shouldn’t be deprived of an audience for uttering death threats–that “shoot them in the head” stuff is all just good clean fun! Ask Frances Fox Piven if you don’t believe me! PS: Nice non-explanation explanation, Biff.

20. Laura Fucking Ingraham. No sense of irony. Or Godwin. But that’s one helluva projection you got going there, Magda Goebbels.

21. Tony Fucking Blair. So, he “regrets deeply and profoundly the loss of life” that is Gulf War II? Gee, Tony, I bet the dead will sleep SO much better knowing you “care”. Here’s a thought which I’m sure has never occurred to any of these deep and profound regretters: HOW ABOUT JUST NOT MAKING ANY MORE FUCKING WARS? Too complicated for ya?

22. Sean Fucking Hannity. See Wanker #20 and go Goebbels yourself.

23. Whoever the fuck tried to bomb the MLK Day parade in Spokane, Washington. And no, I don’t for one instant believe it was a leftist that did it.

24. The fucking Venezuelan opposition. Is there anything they won’t stoop to? Even terrorism? No. But they sure do like to pretend they are democratic. Why, tomorrow they’re even going to be holding yet another of their pathetic “global” marches against the “tyranny” of an elected leadership in Venezuela. The world’s smallest orchestra of mariachi cucarachas will be leading the parade.

25. Karen Fucking Hughes. Why?

That’s why. The standard false equivalency we’re drearily accustomed to seeing from the right. It’s also very typical of Karen, who has always been creepily loyal to Dubya and hasn’t hesitated to slander his opponents to show it. BTW, rumor has it that Dubya was carrying on with her even in the White House. There’s even a strange little scene in Fahrenheit 9/11 where Laura Bush’s face crumples, as if she were about to cry, when Dubya says she’ll be coming over. But I’m sure that’s the equivalent of calling Obama “Hitler”, too.

26. Bob Fucking Barr. The Haitian ex-dictator’s kinder, gentler Libertarian apologist. Awwww. Why is it always these so-called “libertarians” who come out most strongly in favor of murderous dictators and silencing opposition, I wonder? They tried to pull that shit with me here, too. It’s like they don’t care about other people’s personal liberties or freedom of speech at all, eh?

27. Allen Robert Fucking Reyes. Looks like the would-be legendary lothario, alias “Gunwitch”, is gonna be a gunbitch now. He’s facing charges of attempted murder while a reluctant intended conquest whom he shot in the face at a party clings to life in hospital. Guess his vaunted “trigger skills” ain’t all that. I wonder how much “animalistic sexuality” he can exude while trying hard not to drop the soap. Maybe he’ll finally learn the hard way that “make the ho say no” is no way to go through life.

And finally, to fucking Comcast and MSNBC. Guess the most valuable (and most-watched) NBC journo just wasn’t valuable enough for these merger-mad greedheads. Why else the sudden shafting of Keith Olbermann? My opinion of Comcast was already in the sump-hole, since it funnels a lot of right-wing trolls to this site. I’m thinking of just blocking that entire domain now. Think I’d miss the traffic? Not as long as there are others in town, and right now, there still are. Comcast, MSNBC…congrats. You are the scum de la scum.

Goodnight, and get fucked!

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1 Response to Wankers of the Week: Ophiuchus edition

  1. Simon says:

    hi Sabina…excellent round-up. I don’t think you missed anyone or anything. Tony Blair, Baby Doc AND Bob Barr? Talk about bad voodoo. The world sure is a crazy place. If I could hibernate I would… 🙂

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