Wankers of the Week: A whole new world of wank

Crappy New Year, everyone! How’s your collective hangover? Done barfing yet? Good. Meet the new year, same as the old year…and just as rife with wank:

1. John Fucking Stossel. Yes, Stache-Man John has pride of place in my first weekly wankapedia of this new decade. Why? Well, because even at this shockingly late time in the grand scheme of things, he still hasn’t the foggiest notion of how minimum wage and teen employment (or lack thereof, more to the point) actually interrelate. Stache says low-wage McJobs “used to be a way for kids and the unskilled to get into the labor force, to prove themselves”. Speaking as one who’s had her share (and her fill) of those, I can honestly say they have NOT helped me get anywhere or prove myself at all. All they’ve shown me is how disposable you are when you’re the lowest critter on the totem pole. The younger and less skilled you are, the more disposable you become. You’re not taken in to be nurtured, formed and groomed for a career; far from it. You’re always the last hired, the first fired…and since they weren’t paying that much for the use of your time anyway, there is no incentive for employers to keep you on or help you improve yourself. You end up unknowingly supporting their profits, but their profits do not support you. If you managed to acquire any serious skills, you’d have to be promoted and paid more, and that would eat into the profits. High turnover and low skills are what they’re after. That’s what keeps minimum wage so, well, MINIMAL. That’s how it goes in the real world. But Stache lives in the Randroid cloud-cuckoo land where minimum wage shouldn’t even exist, ideally, because then it would be an incentive of some sort for something. What? I don’t know. In real life, the last time a minimum wage didn’t exist, there was slavery and child labor. And the slavers were bitching about how much those damn uppity niggruhs and ungrateful brats were costing them.

2. Tom Fucking Daniels. He supported Prop H8–and now, it turns out that he’s a child molester? Say it ain’t so. Why do all these homophobes have so many skeletons dancing the Watusi in their closets, anyway? Parents, don’t just keep an eye on your kids–keep an eye on the “respectable” pillars of your community. Especially when they’re around your kids. That is all.

3. Owen Fucking Honors. Of all the spectacularly misnamed people I’ve ever seen, this one might just be this year’s Number One, although it’s a little early to say for certain. But he sure does have one helluva head start. He’s the US navy commander who made homophobic, sexist, seriously unfunny “entertainment” on the public dollar, and then ordered it to be played to a captive shipboard audience. Yes, that’s right–institutionalized homophobia and sexism, with wankery thrown in just for the hell of it. Because hey, it’s not as if there’s any such thing as women in the navy. Or gay sailors. Winston Churchill’s famous dictum notwithstanding.

4. Julian Fucking Fantino. If you thought that the city of Vaughan sucked before he got his whiny ass elected as its member of Parliament, guess what? Now, it blows! And just where does an authoritarian ex-police chief get off on calling the Liberals Nazis? Either he’s totally unfamiliar with Godwin’s law, or he’s been reading the Doughy Pantload’s shitty book.

5. Judith Fucking Miller. Yes, Steno Judy, the most disreputable NYT reporter of all time, is back in the news. This time, she’s on Julian Assange’s case…for his allegedly doing what we all know she did. Namely, failing to verify. The amusing thing is that the US went to war on the basis of what Steno Judy failed to verify. Assange’s crime? Wanting those wars to end, no doubt. Oh, and did I mention that she jilled off on FUX Snooze…that repository of journalistic integrity?

6. Whoever the fuck is responsible for these shitty greeting cards. You’re not funny, asshole.

7, 8, and 9. Robert Fucking Huber, Adam Fucking Wible and Ian Fucking McHenry. Looks like a douchebag competition in progress. Ladies, if you see any of these men (photos at link; copy, distribute and memorize!), do NOT approach them. And if they approach you, feel free to punch their fucking lights out. They are out to screw you. And whoever finishes with the most “toys”, wins. They got ageism, they got racism, they got xenophobia. They seem to like picking on women who haven’t much going for them in terms of self-esteem. They’re not above date rape when seduction efforts fail (or the woman is just too drunk to say no, or when she’s on a boat). And one of them works for the US State Dept., too. Why do I smell a potential Profumo scandal in the making? (Best comment: “The world is not America’s playground, sexual or otherwise. We should be better people than this.” AMEN.)

10. Antonin Fucking Scalia. Yup, Fat Tony has said “Vaffanculo” again. This time to women and queers. Perhaps the 14th Amendment, as one of Pam’s commenters said, should not apply to anyone whose surname ends in a vowel, eh?

11. Charles Fucking Adler. You can always turn a radio off; you’re not obligated to listen. You are obligated, however, to sit and listen to whatever a principal says, even if it is as offensive, bland and idiotic as what this dickweed says a principal should say. And what does Chucky say principals should say? Basically, that what you are is nothing, and that acknowledging ethnic and cultural differences (instead of just whiting them out and glossing them over, and pretending that no one is bullied on the basis of them) is “narcissism”. And prating this reactionary bullshit on a radio show billed as “cutting edge talk radio at its very best” is not? Good thing he’s only a stupid, inconsequential radio squawker and not an actual school principal, that’s all I can say.

12. Peter Fucking Kent. From mediocre journalist to sub-par diplomat to shitty Harpocrat cabinet minister, the transformation is now complete. And already the crapaganda is a-flowin’; Peter borrowed from Ezra Fucking Levant’s crappy screed and called the Alberta tar sands’ end product “ethical oil”. Yes, he went there…and has tar all over his nice, shiny shoes to show for it. A pity he couldn’t be more like his brother the Scud Stud, who is still a journalist, and a good one at that.

13. Don Fucking Cherry. He’s a real-life war criminal, and real-life hockey fans are not impressed with his high-priced, taxpayer-financed wank over there in Afghanistan. Yours truly is not a hockey fan in particular, but she likes the game reasonably well when it’s played the way Cherry hates it…namely, when the point of the whole exercise is hockey, not punch-ups. She likes peace even more. That’s why she joined this Facebook group, and urges you to do the same. Let’s all tell ol’ Sour Grapes to STFU, eh?

14. John Fucking Boehner. Yes, it IS pronounced “BONER”. Especially since he broke out the waterworks at his swearing in as Weeper–er, Speaker–of the US House, and named Michelle Fucking Batshit–er, Bachmann–to the intelligence committee. Uh, Boney? Shouldn’t she demonstrate that she HAS intelligence, before being named to anything? Or are you just a man easily bullied?

15. Cornelius Fucking McGillicuddy the Fourth. Or, as the media erroneously knows him, Connie Fucking Mack. Funny how a guy who hangs out with putschist terrorist organizations in Miami wants to put Venezuela on a list of countries harboring terrorists. Shouldn’t “charity” start closer to home, Corny? There are more terrorists in the US than there are anywhere else, including homegrown right-wing nutters and anti-Castro ex-Cubans, yet you won’t list yourselves. Hypocrites! PS: Nice wife you got there, Corn.

16. The Fucking Las Vegas Police Department. Issuing a jaywalking ticket to a girl in a coma? That’s lower than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut.

17. Terry Allen Fucking Lester. Hell hath no fury like…how’s that saying go again? Trust me, it’s worse when a man gets scorned. Worse still when it’s a man with an ugly-ass mullet. You gotta wonder who dates these wankers, and how desperate those poor things must be. Can you believe he was going to send vibrator bombs to THREE of them?

18. Faytene Fucking Kryskow. Wow, this Christ-killer is even crazier than I thought…and that’s pretty damn crazy! She actually claims God is cursing the bloggers (who criticize her, no doubt)? And that any “scribe” who disagrees with her is a “Pharisee”? Dang. Last time I saw a projection that big, I was sitting in an IMAX theatre.

19. Ronald E. Fucking Williams. I bet he’s a hit with the shamefaced, modest, meek Christian ladies. Especially those who, like Sarah “Barracuda” Fucking Palin, played mean basketball back in the day.

20. David Fucking Davies. He doesn’t have a university education, and he’s obviously bitter about it. So bitter, in fact, that he’s now trying, in his capacity as a British parliamentarian, to force others into the same shitty situation that he’s now fortunate to be out of, thanks to his connections. Obviously he knows nothing about what university life is like, if he thinks it’s full of “Mickey Mouse courses” and students who go through the entire four years drunk off their asses. I didn’t see any such courses when I was at university. Perhaps I was in the wrong place? As for being drunk a lot, I couldn’t afford it, nor did I want it; the whole prospect of date rape and other indignities, such as peeing on strangers’ lawns and vomiting in pubs’ stairwells, just somehow didn’t appeal to me, go figure. And this was at a time when Canadian university tuition was still readily affordable. It isn’t now. I don’t see the current crop of more expensively educated grads having any better prospects in life than I had, thanks to the hard right turn the politicians have all taken, and thanks to the fucking the economy has taken as a result of said turn. And yes, I noticed it as soon as I graduated, right into the Great Mulroney Recession–product of Conservative politics and economics. That’s something that the student-haters like Mr. Davies will never understand, much less share with you. Maybe they should have received an affordable university education? Too late now, alas.

21. Scott Fucking Brison. Ignorant about how Colombia really works? Yeah, you could say that. But what do you expect of Scott? He used to be a Tory, and his unfortunate habit of hanging with the oligarchs has yet to be broken. Unfortunately.

And finally, Jared Lee Fucking Loughner. Why?

That’s why. Oh yeah, and he tried to make good on that “conscience dreaming” today with a shooting rampage that’s left at least one person dead, and a popular Democratic congresswoman in hospital fighting for her life. I’d say the video was a wank, but the shooting takes it to the level of criminal threat. This person is deranged, and should have been institutionalized and never allowed to get his hands on a firearm. All you gun nuts and teabaggers out there, this one’s on your hands.

Good night, and get fucked!