Wankers of the Week: Cheesed off in Wisconsin

Whooooo-ee! Look like there’s not so much distance between the Middle East and the Midwest after all. Even in the teeth of a narrrrrsty La Niña winter, Wisconsinites are getting their Days of Rage on. Egyptians are in solidarity, which is seriously cool. And even cooler, the local cops are joining in rather than busting heads, and asking serious questions as to why they’re supposed to plant provocs in the crowd (and are, to their credit, doing nothing of the sort). Toronto, are you paying attention? This is what should have happened during the G20 summit last year. Madison is eating your lunch. And here’s who else is not getting any cheese on their sammy this week:

1. The Phucking Phelps KKKlan. Seems they tried to put one over on “Anonymous”, the league of extraordinary gentlemen (and -women?) who’ve been dealing some much-needed whup-ass to those who’ve needed it most, mainly over Wikileaks. Unfortunately, this Phelpsian Phishing Trip was an Epic Phelpsian Phail.

2. The Fucking Texas Legislature, again. Yeah, guns on campus–GREAT idea! Maybe they’ll want to bring back that quaint old college custom of young bucks dueling over girls, too. Shoot, what’s one more massacre in a country already swimming in gore? BTW, Guvnor Goodhair looks like a total fucking dork waving his pistol in the air–not that he isn’t one anyway.

3. Tomas Fucking Bautista. It’s not a question of how drunk you have to be–it’s a question of how small your dick has to be for you to even consider sexually assaulting a Chihuahua doggie.

4. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Michelle Obama’s weight is healthy and appropriate for a woman of her height and bone structure. The Pigman’s is not. She is active and can eat whatever she damn well pleases. He is sedentary, and really needs to shut his racist piehole. PS: Make that his LYING racist piehole. Her rib-fest, it turns out, was calorically sensible, which I doubt would be the case with the Pigman.

5. Scott Fucking Walker. This teabag is looking more and more like that SOB who said “We had to destroy the village [of My Lai] in order to save it”. The question I’m sure is topmost in everyone’s mind is, what the hell is he “saving” by wrecking Wisconsin with his manufactured budget crisis? Oh, and then there’s the little matter of his job-killing climate-change denial, too. They ought to give out awards for this kind of prize idiocy.

I don’t know how GPAs relate to real percentages or letter scores (GPAs aren’t used in Canada for the most part, and the method of calculating them seems ridiculously convoluted to me), but I have it on good authority that a 2.3 score is underwhelming. Proof, in case you need it, that the US school system is in trouble, and that defunding education is the worst thing you can do to it. But if you’re a teabag, no doubt you WANT to see everyone else dragged down to your own level, if not even lower.

PS: Oh, Teh Stoopid. It BURNS! Let’s hope it burns his sorry ass straight out of office.

6. Bobby Fucking Franklin. Yes, miscarriage IS manslaughter to some of these anti-choicers. And this one wants to prosecute it as such. Unbefuckinglievable. Next up, I suppose, he’ll want to hire a force of sex-police with bloodhounds, to sniff the nether regions of all the women for signs of unauthorized sexual activity.

7. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. A friend of Gaddafi? Oh, FUCK. Well, I guess in a weird way, it makes sense; after all, didn’t ol’ Moammar provide him with cover when his hooker was in trouble with the law? And oh yeah: No same-sex marriage while he’s dictator of Italy, either. Because we wouldn’t want them faggots and lezzies to get the crazy notion that they’re equal human beings, would we now?

8. Mark Fucking Myrie, alias Buju Fucking Banton. Hope you enjoy your Grammy statuette in prison, you homophobic drug-thug. Don’t drop the soap!

9. Sarah Fucking Palin, alias Lou Fucking Sarah. “Amen”-ing and praising yourself through a sockpuppet on Facebook? You know you’re NOT popular when.

10. Michelle Fucking Malkin. Why?

That’s why. She’s arguing with a FAKE Rahm Emmanuel. And she’s too “f’n” cowardly to write fuck and shit, too. Are there letters missing on your cute widdle typewriter, Michelle, or are you just afraid to break a nail on the nasty-wasty cusswords?

11. Jeff Fucking Cox. The anti-labor shit has hit the fan in Indiana, too…and for saying “use live ammo”, this former deputy state attorney general might just deserve to get a taste of his own hotheaded medicine. It’s part of a larger pattern of reckless and genocidal (and racist) rhetoric, so he can’t very well claim it was just the heat of the moment. Do Hoosiers really want such unstable people occupying their public offices?

12. Abby Fucking Johnson. Bad enough that she saw the dark and crossed over to that side, but now this former Planned Parenthood-er is joining forces with Lie-là Rose? Jesus doesn’t like dishonest people, you two.

13. Kanye Fucking West. Why?

That’s why. Next time, think up a non-misogynist way to tell your “ballin’ niggas” to use condoms. Oh, and BTW, abortions do NOT cost $50,000-$100,000, either. And if you fear you’re going to be extorted by your sex partners, maybe the best thing to do is just keep it in your pants.

14. Peter Fucking Worthington. A bit late to the anvil chorus of Lara Logan finger-waggers, are we? Well, don’t worry…unWorthy has more than made up for it with a castor-oil dose of good, old-fashioned paternalistic sexism. He even praises her for being so plucky and supporting embedded bootlicking (a blot on journalistic independence for which I recall wank-listing her at the time, and deservedly so–reporters in the field, even war correspondents, don’t owe their sources a flattering account, they owe the homefolks an honest one). He’s all gushy about her guts, is old Peter. But really, you can just tell he wants to pat her on her pretty blond head and tell her to go back home and cower in the kitchen. Women with children don’t belong in a war zone, sez our “protective” old chauvinist. There are two things wrong with that contention: (1) What about women and children in the line of fire–local civilians in a war zone? Collateral Damage, in other words; and (2) Tahrir Square wasn’t a war zone, it was the scene of a largely peaceful protest against a tyrannical régime, and for the most part, it was exceptionally safe for women during that time. There’s a third thing wrong with it, as well: Nobody ever criticizes a male war correspondent for abandoning his family! Won’t somebody think of the children?

15. William Fucking Hague. Thanks, Willy, thanks a real fucking buttload for singlehandedly reviving that tired old bogus meme, the one that goes “Hugo Chávez is a dictator because he supports Gaddafi”. It’s bullshit on every count, as you’d know if you troubled to read even a little bit of real news from Venezuela. Chávez doesn’t support Gaddafi, he supports LIBYA (and all other Arab and African countries facing imperial menaces, come to that). His “support” for Gaddafi is mainly praise for the Libyan revolution, and for the fact that it’s not a puppet state–PERIOD. As for his supposed “authoritarianism” at home, chow down on this: Dictators don’t urge parliamentary debates, increase voter interest, and foster public participation in politics, or strike compromises with their opponents. Chavecito does all that and more. Don’t you feel like a fucking idiot now? You should, because you ARE.

Notice who’s standing next to Gaddafi? Gee, they look kinda British…

16. Pamela Fucking Geller. Ever hear of Rule 34? Well, she’s Rule 35: If it exists, she will make islamophobic hate porn out of it. I’ve wank-listed her several times now, and it’s gratifying to see that the Southern Poverty Law Centre has finally seen fit to do the same. Her response was another predictable wank. Hey Pammy, hatemongering makes you fugly, and it’s nothing a good plastic surgeon can fix, either.

17. Fucking Dubya. Whatsamatter, Georgie…afraid to share a stage with Julian Assange? I guess you should be. After all, who knows what goods he’s got on you and all your corporate cronies?

18. Charlie Fucking Sheen. Biting the hand that feeds your monkey? Yeah, that was a really smart move. Sorry, Charlie, but spouting motivational gubbish at full volume and speed doesn’t make you sound like you’ve been cured. It sounds like the next act is gonna be you, running naked down the street, screaming that the coke bugs are underneath your skin, sucking your precious bodily fluids. Kiss your career goodbye; it was almost funny while it lasted.

19. Donald Fucking Rumsfeld. Somehow, it doesn’t surprise me to hear that Rummy IS a lizard person. Or at least, that he won’t deny it.

20. Dimitri Fucking Soudas. Why?

That’s why. Yes, he really went there. And so did his boss’s empty plane. All the way from Amman to Tripoli and back.

21. Scott Fucking Hagerstrom. Why DO they call themselves Americans for Prosperity? It’s not prosperity they’re for, it’s the prosperous who got that way at the expense of everyone else’s right to prosper. BTW, isn’t “taking them out at the knees” a MAFIA tactic?

22. Robert Fucking Dewar. Hasn’t Canada been here before? And how many times does it have to be said before all these old white male judges understand a few simple facts? How a woman is dressed is not an invitation to sex. Wanting to dance is not an invitation to sex. Having too much to drink is not an invitation to sex. Watering the shrubbery is not an invitation to sex. Even skinny-dipping is not an invitation to sex. Only an invitation to sex is an invitation to sex!

23. Chris Fucking Lee, again. Not only was he trolling for extracurricular women on Craigslist, but now a couple of transgendered women are coming out and saying he trolled THEM, too–using ads specifically aimed at their gender. His motives for doing so are still known only to himself, but I’d say this was probably the real reason he resigned. There is no plausible deniability, even something as lame as a wide stance or luggage lifting, when it comes to transwomen.

24. Newt Fucking Gingrich. A serial adulterer really has no business to suggest impeachment over a president’s failure to uphold an anti-gay “defense of marriage act”. Especially not since he was boinking the bejeezus out of his much younger mistress (who became wife number three) while howling for the impeachment of Bill Clinton, whom he and his colleagues browbeat into signing said stupid-ass act in the first place.

25. Seif al-Islam Fucking Gaddafi. Yes, that’s right, the Libyan dictator’s son thinks the killing of protesters is just a big joke. Let’s see how funny he finds it when his head starts to roll. I bet it will be at least as funny as his wack-ass dad’s hallucinogenic instant coffee rant.

26. The Fucking Tolkien Estate. “Copyright infringement” THIS, you greedy fucks. It’s not as if anyone had actually rewritten Lord of the Rings, is it? How tedious it would be if it were!

And finally, to all the idiots out there in Internetlandia who are comparing Venezuela to Libya, and hoping that Chavecito’s gonna fall like Gaddafi. Not a snowball’s chance, since there’s no comparison between the two. Chavecito is peaceful, he’s popular, he’s democratically elected, he’s sane, and nothing he ever said about Gaddafi is gonna change that. Why not compare the Libyan tyrant to that fascist fucker Berluscoglioni, instead? Your chance of accuracy would be that much greater, since those two are actually pals. But nooooo, that would be too obvious and not convenient enough, eh?

Good night, and get fucked!