Wankers of the Week: Dog days of democracy

Ah, the dogshit days of late winter, when a chance February thaw reveals the debris that we’ve been counting on the snow to cover up, and hat hair starts getting to us all in a major way. The other day, during what felt like my first good walk since the snow started to pile up and you couldn’t go out without being hit by a snowplow, I saw a pile of dog turds and used Tetley round teabags by the roadside, uncovered by the plus-12ºC weather. (I fleetingly wished I had a camera phone, if only to record THAT for posterity.) Only my trusty tweed Tilley chapeau and my high coat collar kept the mock Chinook from ripping my hair into a tattered haystack. Not that I’m complaining; if my hair’s flyaway and the roadsides near my place are looking kind of rough, it’s nothing compared to the turdnuggets that these wankers have left when flying off at the mouth…or the keyboard:

1. Sara Fucking Landriault. Heaven forfend that working mothers should ever get a break from government. Or that this Blogging Suppository idiotess should see that the real reason our country is in a decline is due to conservative policymaking, not the “reign of terror” that is mothers working for a living (and having early childhood educators teaching stuff to their kids)!

2. Glenn Fucking Beck. If you use his website to do your homework, you deserve to flunk. You will doubtless emerge just as stupid as if you’d been home-schooled by Wanker #1. How appropriate, then, that this visibly deteriorating mental defective has decided to dredge up the phantom menace of…yeeek…EUGENICS!

3. Ralph Fucking Scurfield. All of a sudden, I’m glad that I’m not a ski bum. And that I don’t live or work in Banff.

4. Scott Fucking Walker. Not only did he try to make public-sector unions illegal in Wisconsin, this teabag-fer-brains has also threatened to call in the National Guard to shoot them. Whatever happened to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”? Oh yeah, I forgot–only applies to the oligarchy, not the peons. PS: How are you liking your “Tahrir Square moment” now, eh Scotty?

5. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Want a second black woman to sue you in as many weeks, Big Fucking Idiot? Keep it up. I hope Michelle Obama crumples you up into a squishy doughball and soccer-dribbles your sorry ass all over Washington. She could, you know. PS: I don’t think Shirley Sherrod has kicked said sorry ass nearly as hard as she could have, either.

6. Michele Fucking Bachmann. For one so obsessed with “Second Amendment solutions” to the imaginary problem of socialism (i.e. a black president), she’s remarkably silent about the fact that her own con-tard shindig was a gun-free affair. Odd, wouldn’t you say?

7. Cornelius Fucking McGillicuddy the Fourth, again. This time he wants a total embargo on anything that could send money to Venezuela! Hey Corny, how about starting with USAID, rather than CITGO?

8. Phil Fucking Jensen. If the largely flat and empty state of South Dakota suddenly loses half its population (the half that’s NOT flat and empty, of course), you’ll know who’s to blame. Why not just write misogyny right into your state constitution and be done with it, asshole?

9. Haley Fucking Barbour. Silence is consent. (Not that we didn’t already figure the guvnor of Mississippi for one hell of a racist anyway.)

10. Mike Fucking Huckabee. I’ll make your decision really simple for ya, Mike: DON’T RUN AGAIN.

11. Jeff Fucking Duncan. Typical Repug control freak, he thinks the US has the right to total control of SHARED borders with Canada and Mexico. Dude, please! You are not the boss of us. Canada and Mexico, like it or not, are NOT your Manifest Destiny, they are sovereign nations. Learn the concept before you open your piehole!

12. Pamela Fucking Geller. Don’t look for any sisterly solidarity from this deranged fruitbat on any front. She had no problem using the heinous sexual assault on Lara Logan to further her own fraudulent cause of islamophobia. As though white western men don’t do all the exact same things, for all the exact same reasons. As for that “Jew, Jew, Jew” shit, I think I’ll wait to see it from a more reliable source than the New York Post. Like, oh, say, Lara Logan herself.

13. Nir Fucking Rosen. Don’t look for any brotherly solidarity from this one, either. Blaming the victim? Have you no shame? BTW, your “apology” is also a wank. And very likely a lie, too.

14. Simone Fucking Wilson. “Consummated”? What a consummately stupid thing to say; she makes it sound like somebody’s wedding night. Here’s a helpful primer for all those of you who still don’t get it: Take out the word sexual from the phrase sexual assault. What are you left with?

15. Debbie Fucking Schlussel. Add her and Jim “The Dim” Hoft, alias the Gateway Pissant, to the anvil chorus of asshats who just don’t get what happened to Lara Logan. This wingnut is vomitous at the best of times, and this is not the best of times for her. But hey, it doesn’t matter. After all, it’s not like she’s being paid to do anything remotely resembling journalism.

16. Michelle Fucking Malkin. And another one for the anvil chorus, along with the Baby Jeebus and the Deranged Yoda Wannabe! Yeah, rape is really “business as usual for the Middle East”. Well, if it’s business as usual there, guess what–it is here, too. Ever seen the sex-assault rates in the US, Michelle? They’re nothing to be proud of. And they don’t compare favorably to Egypt’s, either.

17. Fucking “Curveball”. Now, when it can’t possibly do anyone any good, finally he tells the truth. And what was it? That he helped BushCo lie their way into the Iraq fucking WAR, what else? Like we didn’t know that from the start, for fuck’s sake. But let’s not try to pretend that he duped anyone. They were looking for someone to say that, and I bet they paid him well for it, too.

18. Jesse Fucking Watters. Here’s a couple of real professional tips for ya, Jess: Don’t wear stars and stripes together; it screams “TEABAG!” And don’t say “buddy” or “bro” to someone you dislike. It’s juvenile and insincere and makes you look like a smarmy little prick. Oh wait, my mistake–you ARE a teabag and a smarmy, juvenile, insincere little prick! Well, that changes everything. Lemme know when you guys decide to do some real journalism; I might tune in then. That is, if I’m not too busy watching paint dry or grass grow.

19. Michael Fucking Sanguinetti, alias Officer Slutty. Um, officer? There’s a reason “they” told you not to say that. Perhaps if you removed some clothes and thought about it, the answer might come to you…

…or maybe not.

20. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Who’s the anti-democracy parasite again? Oh yeah: the one who oinks on the radio all the fucking time. He didn’t even register to vote until he was shamed into it–at 35. Which I guess tells you everything you need to know about the Pigman’s real feelings toward democracy!

21. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Funny how in far-right fundie-land, it’s always the bashers who are the real victims. Poor widdle oppressed things!

22. Ann Fucking Coulter. More jailed journalists, you say? I say, let’s start with the right-wing pundits who call (from the safety of their air-conditioned ivory towers, of course) for this sort of shit. That’s infringement on freedom of the press, and if I’m not mistaken, that’s illegal!

23. Stephen Fucking Harper. If this is what Canadian democracy is supposed to look like, we are in deep doggie doo-doo. And used teabags, slowly moldering in the roadside slush.

24. Bev Oda. Yes, I realize she’s just a loyal Harpocrat lackey doing her job. But then again, it was she who doctored that document, and she couldn’t even own up right away; she did the “Who, ME?” schtick until someone called her on it. Did Harpo tell her to lie about that, too? And if so, and she obeyed, what does that say about her?

25. Justin Fucking Bieber. “Everything happens for a reason”? Yeah, there’s a reason I’m not a Belieber, and won’t be until this kid shows some signs of acquiring a logic that goes beyond Grade 5 fundie theology. Which is pretty pathetic, actually, considering that he’s old enough to drive. At 16 I knew better than to say such things–but then, I had (closeted) gay friends and a healthy fear of rape (and a correspondingly healthy respect for abortion rights). Yeah, he’s right about our healthcare system being better, but that was a no-brainer; any Canadian can say that. It’s what else he said that I take issue with. Whether it’s gays or abortion, it’s obvious that he has no idea yet what he’s talking about. He really shouldn’t be asked to opine on those things. Which I guess makes whoever interviewed him for Rolling Stone a wanker, too.

26. Donald Fucking Rumsfeld. Why?

Apparently, he wrote a book. And we know why, too:

And finally, to whoever it was that dumped the teabags and dog turds by the side of the road: Next time, do it in your own front yard, asshole. And if you don’t like that, then shell out a bit extra for garbage tags, or learn to compost. Don’t think that just because a crummy old road is out of your way, no one’s gonna see what you did there.

Good night, and get fucked!