Wankers of the Week: Odyssey Dawn (of the Dead) edition

Crappy Equinox, everyone! How are you liking our latest “multinational” farce? Courtesy of the Nobel Peace President, fronting for the usual suspects at the Pentagon, we get yet another meaningless, vaguely “heroic” designation for a war based on pretense, lies, doubletalk…and oh yeah, OIL. Notice how the same people clamoring and yammering for the west’s need to “liberate” Libya from its tyrant didn’t lift a finger even to tweet the same in favor of Egypt, Yemen, Tunisia, Algeria or Morocco? I did. None of Europe’s or ExxtortionMobil’s oil under any of those, so no wonder. I think this latest Pentagon world takeover bid should’ve been called Operation Absolute Fucking Motherfucker, just to keep things truly honest. And here’s who else I noticed being an absolute fucking motherfucker this week…

1. Chuck Fucking Colson. Don’t you love the euphony of that? It sounds better to my ears than Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” does to his, I can assure you. And while said song may indeed sound like a mash-up of Madonna’s “Express Yourself” and “Ray of Light”, which makes it of dubious merit for a queer anthem, the fact is that LGBT folks are indeed “born that way”. In fact, one might even say they were conceived that way, since the biological traits that determine gender and sexual orientation become detectable as early as 12 weeks’ gestation. Which means that Chuck’s dumbfuck self-expression sheds no rays of light whatsofuckingever.

2. Rick Fucking Santorum. Last week we got to laugh at Newt Fucking Gingrich and his assertion that his multiple moral failings were actually a sign of moral fitness to be president. This week, we get to do it all over again, and this time at the expense of Icky Ricky, the necrophiliac fetus fetishist who gave us “man on dog” sex and whose surname is now synonymous with, er, you know.

3. Alexandra Fucking Wallace. Claims to be a poli-sci student at UCLA, but looks (and sounds) much more like a reject from a porn video, to be quite frank. And if it offends you to hear me say that, you should hear what she has to say about Asians, and then ask yourself if I’m not being waaaaay too kind*. If she’s any indication of what “American manners” really are, then you can stop fucking wondering where the phrase “Ugly American” came from. It’s not any better manners to air your closeted racism to the world on YouTube than it is to yak on your cellphone in the library. And it’s really bad fucking manners to hold yourself up as a paragon of good “American” manners when in fact, you’re nothing but a RACIST–er, ‘scuse me, POLITICALLY INCORRECT–little snotwad. PS: She was actually planning to make this a regular feature on a racist blog? Disaster averted!

*Apologies to any porn video rejects I may have offended with that inexcusably odious comparison.

4. Randy Fucking Hopper, again. Last week I expressed the hope that his soon-to-be-ex-wife would join in the effort to get this teabag state senator from Wisconsin recalled. Looks like she will, indeed, do so. You go, lady!

5. Martin Fucking Harty. Maybe he’s not “defective”, and I’m not so sure about dying in Siberia…but surely I’m not alone in thinking this old coot belongs on his own ice floe.

6. Virgil Fucking Peck. Last time I looked, Kansas was mostly empty. The idea that it’s overrun with “feral hogs” in human form is ludicrous, but it’s a great way for ignorant feral jackasses like Virgil Fucking Peck to rally the even more ignorant to their lack of a cause, apparently. It’s also a great distraction from the ugly truth that jobs, and people, are leaving Kansas for places much more attractive–and less overrun with religiously insane imbeciles gone hog-wild. This one can join #5 on the ice floe. Anyone whose “solution” to the “problem” of non-conforming people involves death should enjoy a taste of his own eliminationist medicine.

7. Kirsten Fucking Powers. Another nutjob ideologue who can’t get it through her head that birth control prevents abortions, rather than causing them. Not surprisingly, this ignorant slut is on FUX Snooze. All I can give her by way of advice is “Don’t have sex, or you’ll pass on the stoopid!”

8. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. No, environmentalists are NOT cheering about the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear disaster in Japan. Because all three of those things are seriously bad for the environment, duh. What’s even worse? The toxic racist crap and hot air the Pigman spews on an almost daily basis. It pollutes not only the atmosphere, but brains, too.

9. and 10. Ricardo Fucking Martinelli and Alvaro Fucking Uribe. I’m trying really hard to work up a head of steam to declare that I am shocked, SHOCKED that these two right-wing corruptos are in bed together to try to topple Chavecito. Unfortunately, I am not even a little bit surprised. Nor am I surprised at how the lamestream media whores up here are practically paving this scandal over, preferring to screech (and just flat-out lie) instead about Chavecito’s “support” for Moammar Gaddafi (which actually amounts to nothing more than an effort to broker peace in the Libyan civil war, and a prudent refusal to blindly condemn anyone before all the facts are in), or even on what Chavecito is doing right, such as his denunciation of needless plastic surgery. Boob job on yer brain, anyone?

11. Kathleen Fucking Passidomo. Is there anything more unattractive than an ignorant slut of the right blaming an 11-year-old gang-rape victim for what happened to her, and likening her to a prostitute 10 years older? If there is, I don’t wanna hear about it. Just having heard these ugly remarks was enough for me.

12. Scott Fucking Armstrong. Uh, that “tyranny of the majority” that this SupposiTory is nattering about? It’s spelled D-E-M-O-C-R-A-C-Y. And we all know what the Suppositories would do in the unlikely event that they EVER get a majority in Parliament, don’t we, kiddies? (Ahem. Not that they haven’t done it already, WITHOUT said majority. Which is why they’re up on contempt-of-Parliament charges now, for the first time since a communist spy scandal many decades ago.)

13. Ron Fucking Ramsey. No, of course Tennessee isn’t Wisconsin. It’s fucking WORSE! And when you call the working people of your state “professional agitators” for trying to stop you turning them all into fucking SLAVES, you don’t deserve to hold public office anymore.

14. Bruce Fucking Carson. How corrupt are the SupposiTories? Their cronies–er, ADVISORS–are literally trying to funnel federal money to “girlfriend experience” hookers. And this one even plans to marry the hooker in question, who is literally one-third his age. Ain’t boughten “love” grand?

15. Ann Fucking Coulter. Oh joy, the Coultergeist is now a nuclear scientist. Hey Ann, if higher-than-natural levels of radiation are really good for you, what say you chow down on some “depleted” uranium breakfast flakes, and STFU?

16. James O’Fucking Keefe. Sorry, punk-ass, but you do NOT have the right to lie, blatantly and for ill-disguised political purposes, and then try to pass it off as (a) a freedom-of-speech issue or (b) a joke. Your 15 minutes are up, now FUCK OFF!

17. Michel Fucking Martelly. A murderous homophobe, you say? Then should such a person be allowed to run for president in Haiti? And should the Fucking New York Whore Times be giving him a free pass with the flippant descriptor of “roguish”? They make him sound like Sarah Fucking Palin, fergawdsakes.

18. The Fucking Wall St. Urinal. Speaking of free passes, what do they think they’re giving home-grown right-wing terrorists–who happen to comprise the majority of terrorists in the US? But no, no, let’s defend poor oppressed Peter Fucking King, lonesome anti-jihad crusader (and heir to McCarthy and Palmer, for sure). And let’s do it by blatantly misrepresenting the findings of a report. At long last, you fucking idiots–have you no goddamned shame?

19. Sylvain Fucking LeMay. No, of course police chiefs aren’t biased against demonstrators, especially not demonstrators against police brutality. Why else “warn” local residents that the demos in question have a “history of vandalism and violence”? Why else gloss over the fact that the police in Québec have a history of planting provocateurs to generate said violence? And why else carp about the demonstrators’ unwillingness to obtain a permit–as though their brutalizers were perfectly willing to grant such a thing in the first place? Since when does one need a permit to dissent here in Canada, anyway? Oh yeah: Since the police decided that democracy and its concomitant freedoms of speech and assembly can be suspended without notice at their pleasure. Of course.

This is what the chief calls “violence” and “vandalism”. No shit! These are actual demonstrators from that march he was trying to prevent. Scaaaary. That one on the left is positively Black Bloc. My gawd, you can see her face…and it’s smiling! Hide me!

20. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Last week we snickered at his chutzpah…to spin his own lack of moral fitness as a surplus of patriotism that caused him to schtup his mistress (now Wife #3) uncontrollably. This week, we get to snicker at another chutzpah-licious instance of his moral unfitness to be president of the United States–namely, his willingness to give corporate tax dodgers a free pass, and his insistence that their free pass be paid for by the Little People, instead. Oh, and this moral lapse? Bought and paid for with a $100,000 “donation” by a coal company. Newty may be a total fucking whore, but he’s plainly not cheap.

21. Sarah Fucking Palin. An ever-growing legend in her own mind, now she thinks she would have become president in 2008, had she only been on top of the ticket instead of that old fart, what’s-his-name in the adult diapers–you know, the one who picked her for his running mate (out of a grab bag, it appears). Yeah, sure…with an unmarried teenage daughter to showcase those impeccable Christian Family Values™, a room-temperature IQ, an ever-growing list of ethics scandals, an actual marriage to an actual member of a fascist Alaskan separatist party, and so much more! Yeah, sure, Sawah, you were a shoo-in, and you wuz robbed! Robbed, I say!

22. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy. Why?

That’s why. Va baiser ma fesse, con de merde.

23. Stephen Fucking Harper. Who dragged Canada into Libya? Not the Government of Canada; the Government of Harpo. Who else would be fucked-up enough to drag us into yet another worthless, unwinnable war over oil? We do NOT want to be in Libya, but some of us are, thanks (but no thanks) to you-know-fucking-who. Why did he do it? Contempt of Parliament, duh. The evidence against him is mounting. Never mind his blah-blah-about “freedom”; if he cared about that, he’d give it to Canada first. Instead, he’s pretending to give it to Libya. And he’s tap-dancing around the issue of an election, one in which he hopes to gain the majority he’ll never get. He had to do SOMETHING to burnish that tarnished image, after all, and his actions at home are not likely to inspire confidence.

Plus, I don’t think he should be allowed to live down that look anytime soon. Especially not in light of his sudden foray in to yee-haw foreign policy.

And finally, to the spammer from Bangor, Michigan, IP #67.142.130.26, who left the following droppings on my “For those with vaginas” entry: “I really just hate jews. Is that so wrong? Seriously. And mexicans. What’s up with them, I mean, haha.” Well, what can I say to that, except this? “I really just hate hatemongers. Is that so wrong? Seriously. And people who can’t capitalize proper nouns. Or punctuate correctly. What’s up with them? I mean, ha-ha, what fucking losers.” Welcome to my spam grinder, jackass. That’s as close as you’ll ever get to seeing the light of day around here.

Goodnight, and get fucked!