Wankers of the Week: Spring forward into stoopid

Crappy Daylight Saving Time, everyone! Don’t forget to spring forward! Except for you lucky sucks in Saskatchewan, who won’t be touching your clocks tonight. Guess you gotta do something to compensate for those interminable prairie winters, eh? Here’s this week’s list of people for whom changing the clock won’t do anything to compensate for their extreme stupidity:

1. Hans-Peter Fucking Friedrich. “Islam does not belong in Germany”, says Ferkel Merkel’s new interior minister. So what does? Christian theocracy, what else? He’s a member of the CSU–the Christian Social Union. What–you thought Germany was a modern liberal democracy? Ha-ha-ha, sorry, but NO. Its body politic is still dominated by the same old-order conservatives who would have happily embraced Hitler all those years ago, and whose political discourse is all about how Those People (who used to be the Jews, and now are the Turks and Arabs) are taking over and oppressing the poor helpless white Christians! This is their response to the recent incident in which a Kosovar (who happens to be a Muslim) fatally shot two US servicemen at an airport in Germany. What would Jesus say? Something along the lines of “Get these fucking wankers out of my fan club”, I suspect.

2. Peter Fucking King. And over on this side of the pond, islamophobia is now the latest enabler of homegrown fascist terror. Its infallible formula? A noun, a verb, and a screeched “9-11!” Meanwhile, don’t look for a peep out of him about things like this or this.

3. Sebastián Fucking Piñera. Even before he was inaugurated as president of Chile, this notorious Pinochetist was missing no opportunities to slam Chavecito for whatever he could slam him for. This time, it’s his offer to mediate for peace in the Libyan civil conflict, and to get Jimmy Carter involved in brokering peace there as well. Did I mention that Piñera is a Pinochetist, and a very craven one at that? No? Consider it done, then.

4. Juan Fucking Forero. Could you possibly be more biased? Could you possibly be more slimy? Could you possibly get the story more hilariously wrong? If you can, the Washington Post will gladly take your résumé, and put you in its Latin America bureau. They need all the anti-Chávez crapagandists they can get these days. Must distract the sheeple from what’s going on in Tunisia, Morocco, Algeria, Egypt and Saudi Arabia, lest they start getting some un-Amurrican ideas.

5.  Glenn Fucking Beck. A wanker every week, he’s now bleeding advertisers…AND losing viewers. Rumor has it that the guillotine awaits him. Keep masturbating, Biff!

6. Brigitte Fucking Gabriel. Or whatever her real name is (she writes pseudonymously, always a dead giveaway of bullshit.) Whoopee, it’s Pamela Fucking Geller’s Maronite cousin. Only problem is, even other Maronites find her embarrassing and lacking in credibility. I’m sure there are plenty of diaspora Lebanese around the world to whom it is news that their homeland was “lost to radical Islam”–but I’ll bet they’re not so surprised to hear that she’s actually on the payroll of Pat Fucking Robertson!

7. Richard Fucking Land, again. So, Wanker #2’s witch-hunts are “a great opportunity for the Muslim community to come forward and denounce terrorism”? Oh, and get this: If Muslims “attack the questioning”, they are “exacerbating the problem”! Why not hold similar hearings, then, for right-wing Christians to come forward and do the same with their own? God knows they’ve got no shortage of terrorists among their own, but I don’t hear any calls going up there to denounce abortion-clinic bombers and gay-bar terrorists…do you?

8. Lynn Fucking Wachtmann. Speaking of anti-choice terrorists of the right, now would be a terrific time to stand up and denounce this co-sponsor of the infamous Ohio “heartbeat bill”, who put up farcical “testimony” from an unsworn fetus, but rejected the same from a grown woman who aborted a late-term pregnancy gone terribly awry. Guess this one thinks grown women don’t have heartbeats worth hearing, eh?

9. Scott Fucking Walker, again. How fucking phony can one teabag (soon to be ex-) governor get? Well, in a word: PLENTY. Oh, and get this: He’s religiously insane, too. When he gets recalled, look for a “Why Me, Jesus?” moment. But don’t expect him to hear Jesus when the latter says “Dude, I’m a socialist, and this happened because YOU FUCKING PISSED ME OFF!”

10. Dan Fucking McTeague. So, Canada’s self-styled anti-piracy crusader is… a pirate himself? Yarrrrrr, matey, shiver me timbers! Someone deserves to be keelhauled! Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

11. The Fucking Saudi Royals. Given the laws they set forth for the rest of the kingdom, shouldn’t all of their heads be rolling for the gross violations they’ve committed–with the collusion of foreign contractors currying their favor, no less?

12. Newt Fucking Gingrich. He howled for Bill Clinton’s blood, over adultery, while committing his own–with the woman who would become his third wife. Now he claims that schtupping the shit out of her was a sign of his moral fitness to become president? The jokes really do write themselves here.

13. The Fucking Harper Government. They really fucked it up big time this week. They are not our government. They will never be it. And they know it, which is why they hold us all, and our parliamentary democratic process, in such deep contempt.

14. Whoever the fuck wrote that “cocksman” e-mail to his frat brothers in the USC chapter of Kappa Fucking Sigma. And people wonder why I look down my nose at fratboys? Yeah, I wonder too. Believe me, I’ve never stopped questioning my decision to attend only frat-free universities because of things like this!

15. Joe Fucking Barton. Shouldn’t ExxtortionMobil be subsidizing government, not the other way around? It’s not as if those fuckers don’t turn a profit in their fucking sleep, dammit. (And by “subsidizing government”, I don’t mean huge cash infusions to the likes of Joe Fucking Barton, either. I mean PAYING TAXES LIKE REAL CITIZENS, you corporate poonheads.)

16. Jesse Fucking Watters. No, there is not a “Muslim problem in the world”. There is a bigot problem. And also a fucking idiot problem. And Jesse Fucking Watters is emblematic of both.

17. John Fucking Galliano, again. This time, he’s hired a Jewish lawyer, no doubt to burnish his so-totally-NOT-an-antisemite cred. Before that, it was a model with a Star of David on her scary-bony arm. Tattoo, or Sharpie? Inquiring minds would love to know.

18. Jam Fucking Tamachi Fucking Unar. Yeah, dude, that “joke” about women “mentally torturing” men is so fucking funny, I totally fucking forgot to laugh! I’m sure Pakistani women didn’t, though…they wouldn’t want to mentally torture you, would they now?

19. Bristol Fucking Palin. Her new boyfriend is a cutesy-wootsy racist who laughs at people with developmental disabilities (like, oh, say, Trig)? She sure can fucking pick ’em. And by them, I mean wankers.

20. Robert Fucking Dewar, again. No jail time and a “fulsome” letter of apology from the rapist to the victim? Talk about justice NOT being served! How is this supposed to help that woman feel safe again? How is it going to give her confidence in the justice system? How is it supposed to make any Canadian woman feel that she can denounce an assailant and be heard? And since when is a miasma of fear and rejection a whiff of “sex in the air”? This has got to be the dirtiest joke I’ve heard in a long time.

21. The Fucking US Congressional Repugs. Yeah, defunding tsunami warning systems would be a GREAT way to give your rich pals their ever-larger cut of the pie. What could possibly go wrong?

22. Juan Fucking Terranova. Even in machista Argentina, this qualifies as a wank. Qué weón, pues.

23. Randy Fucking Hopper. Because hey, why should Scott Fucking Walker enjoy all the wank action in Madison, Wisconsin? Let’s hope his wife signs not only the divorce papers, but the recall petition, too.

24. Stockwell Fucking Day. Aw, Doris is quitting. Now who will we have to kick off his jet-ski? Who will tell us which way the Niagara River doesn’t flow? And who…aw, who’m I kidding? ALL the SupposiTories are stupid, and they don’t need wetsuits and cheesy photo-ops to make them look that way. This one won’t be missed, even if he does provide more comic relief than most. So long, LaughingStock, and don’t let the door hit you where your mama done split you!

If he only had a brain…but then, he wouldn’t be a Conservative!

25. Bill Fucking Maher. Freedom from religion is not bad in and of itself, but the concept doesn’t need any more evangelists like him. It should be possible to be an atheist without being an ignorant, intolerant asshole.

26. Larry Fucking Kudlow. Markets, markets über alles? Yeah, that’s right: when discussing Japan’s earthquake, tsunami and double nuclear disaster, minimize the human toll and just focus on the bottom line, dickweed.

27. Sarah Fucking Palin. I was really hoping to go without mentioning the world’s dumbest brunette this week, but the company she keeps just drove me to it. All we need now is to hear that these separatist “militia” shithead friends of hers were in on Troopergate and it will go from a mere corruption scandal to attempted murder.

28. Bob Fucking McCown. “A face for radio” used to be just a funny stereotype, but this sports-talk shock jock, well…he has it. His opinions on the looks of female athletes are about as welcome and relevant, therefore, as Rush Fucking Limbaugh’s pontifications about Michelle Obama’s figure.

29. Jeff Fucking Kauffman. Considering that Repugs are all FOR putting guns in the hands of crazy people (hey, who did YOU think their voting base was?)–shouldn’t they at least have the decency not to joke about it?

30. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Yet another right-wing nutjob picking at the motes of dust in the Muslims’ eyes while ignoring the vast fucking plank in his own. Billo, srsly, talk about something you actually understand. (There. That oughta shut him up…at least for a little while.)

And finally, to all the “patriotic” asshats out there in Internetlandia (see here and here for some representative examples) who think the earthquake in Japan was God’s (or karma’s, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s) payback for Pearl Harbor, or freemasonry, or any other stupid shit like that. Do you really think God (or karma, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster) operates that way? If so, you’re too fucking idiotic to live. And you really have it coming for Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Good night, and get fucked!

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