Wankers of the Week: Grand Delusions and Grated Expectations

Ahem. Before we get on with the wankapedia, how about a little mood music to set the stage:

Ah. That was awesome. And true, too. What on Earth’s this spell we’re under, and who the hell ARE we? I dunno, but I do know what’s wrong with it all. Here’s whose grand delusions have grated all expectations of a good week to come, in my eyes:

1. Matt Fucking Dean. So, the acclaimed fantasy writer/cartoonist Neil Gaiman is a “pencil-necked little weasel who stole $45,000 from the state of Minnesota”? Well, I guess an apology just makes that all better. Except that now we know Matt Fucking Dean is a no-necked, no-brained weasel who steals how much from the state of Minnesota in yearly salary and benefits?

2. Gary Fucking Faulkner, again. This time, he thinks HE “served up Osama bin Laden on a platter” to the US military, and should get a share of the reward money. Um, sorry, but NO. First up, there is none. Secondly, he’s just a whackjob with a samurai sword and delusions of grandeur. Thirdly, he belongs locked up, and I hope he stays there. I don’t think society is safe with him on the loose.

3. Chris Fucking Wallace. He doesn’t understand why torture isn’t okay? Okay, then let’s waterboard HIM and see what he says after that. Jeebus!

4. Dick Fucking Cheney. Oh look, another one who doesn’t get it. Okay, Big Dick, you’re next on the waterboard. Let’s see how long your dicky ticker holds out. Oh yeah, and this comes as no surprise, either: He’s pro-imperialist on Libya. Probably just miffed because he didn’t get to order the current invasion — ya think?

5. Bristol Fucking Palin. Oh crap, just what we need — another fucking Palin “reality” show (note the quotation marks). Even worse, she’s been nippity-tucked just for this. When’s she gonna get a real job? PS: Oh, BROTHER. Does she think we’re all as dumb as she is?

6. Charles Fucking Koch. Riddle me this: If government shouldn’t interfere in private business, why does this fucking Randroid billionaire businessman get to interfere in the state government of Florida — or should I say, the hiring process at Florida State University, for a paltry million and a half? Oh, I get it: He’s a fucking Randroid billionaire cheapskate hypocrite.

7. Geert Fucking Wilders. Maybe I should wank-list those who invited him to spread his anti-Muslim gospel of hate here in Canada, but since their names aren’t given, I’ll just have to wank-list him. It’s not as if he’s not one anyway, right? And it’s not as if we as a nation wanted him…right?

8. Jeffrey Fucking Cohen. Someone please tell this know-nothing that Venezuela IS free and democratic, has a popular elected leader, and doesn’t need “freeing” with the “help” of gringos like him. For once, a FUX station actually made a smart move in not airing their crapaganda. BTW, their “free speech” bullshit is pathetic. Lies are not free speech, because their purpose is to bind people up in unreality!

9. Henrique Fucking Capriles Radonski. It may be his “duty” to win, but it is his destiny to lose. He’s never going to touch the popularity of Chavecito, no matter what sugar-coated rubbish he spouts or how much of it. He is a phony on so many levels, it’s beyond comical. But hey, El Luniversal is gonna go on pushing their fellow putschist (notice how they don’t even deny his role in the illicit activities of April 11, 2002!), all the way over the cliff, so who am I to stop them? PS: Hey Henriquito, are human rights abuses — by your goons — a Christian value? Jesus has a place for you, and it’s not by his right-hand side. Hint, hint.

10. Jim Fucking Watson. “Respect for Life Day”? What about the lives of WOMEN? Oh yeah, I forgot: they don’t count. They’re only incubators. And jezebels. Shame, shame on the filthy harlots who make up half the human race. PS: Doublewank. Doubleplusdumb. How about a “Respect for Choice Day”, instead of all this silly shilly-shallying that actually violates city policy by bringing religion into it?

11. Carlos Alberto Fucking Montaner. Eduardo Galeano’s great book, Open Veins of Latin America, is an “idiot’s bible”, and Chavecito is “more fanatically Islamic than al-Qaida”? I’d say that this senile old wanker is more than overdue to join his terrorist co-religionist, Orlando Fucking Bosch, in the maw of Cthulhu.

12. Donald Fucking Rumsfeld. Lawrence Wilkerson wants to waterboard him. And who can blame him — even if, like me, you’re adamantly opposed to torture? Rummy is so repugnant, even a saint would make an exception and dunk that motherfucker.

13. Doug Fucking Ford. “Penny-wise, pound-foolish” applies to him and his equally poundy brother, the boorish mayor of Toronto, both. With any luck, both will feel the pinch right back in their own capacious backsides before their terms in office are up.

14. Harold Fucking Camping. If the world doesn’t end on May 21, I won’t bat an eye. Because we’ve been here before, several times, and each time the fundies got disappointed big-time when the world kept right on going the way it always has. You’d think they’d be able to divine God’s message (basically, just live, and take care of the world and each other) from that, but oh, noooooo.

15. Damian Fucking Goddard. It might shock him to learn this, but there are gay hockey players in Canada. And they would like to marry the partner of their choice, not some poor unsuspecting soul that idiots like Goddard and the conservatives he supports would force upon them. Funny how the con-tards are all pro-freedom, but only as long as it’s their freedom and not that of all the rest of us. PS: Heh.

16. Rick Fucking Scott. The governor of Florida wants to drug-test the poor? How about making the insanely rich pee in a jar for a change, as a condition of being allowed to live tax-free on everyone else’s dime? Too intuitive?

17. Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger. I’m not surprised the Gropenführer is being dumped for his, well, gropin’; I’m only surprised that it took Maria Shriver this long to finally do it. I mean, it’s not as if his grab-(mulatto)-ass habits haven’t been out there for public consumption since before he and Maria were even an item.

18. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Sorry, Newty, but your wife won’t win you the presidency; she won’t win you anything except scornful laughter. We already know too much about how you went through your two previous ones — serving divorce papers up to poor #1 on her sickbed, no less. And #2, who was also ailing at the time of divorce, still remembers how #3 was your Other Woman while you were howling over Bill Clinton’s oral shenanigans. (Fun trivia fact: You even said the same things as Bill about YOUR oral-extramarital dalliances, as at least one of the ladies recalls!) And I hate to say this, but #3 looks like a Stepford zombie robot. Overprocessed helmet hair and what looks suspiciously like a too-tight eye lift; that permanently surprised expression is a dead giveaway. Does she sleep with her eyes open too? Or does she simply plug herself in and stand there all night in the corner, emitting a low, constant hum?

19. Philip Fucking Treacy. $3500 for THAT? For THAT??? “Open to interpretation”, my ASS — Princess Bea’s silly wedding chapeau was neither beautiful nor gorgeous. Gravity-defying, maybe, but that’s about the best thing to be said for that ridiculous contraption. (What is it, an ornate picture frame stuck onto a lilliputian pillbox? An abstract rendition of the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Your guess is as good as mine.) She’s actually very pretty, but you’d never know it from the pictures; that hat was designed not to flatter her face but to call attention only to itself. And she even had to remove it during the actual ceremony, because it blocked the view of those sitting behind her.

Meow! Look, it’s a Time Portal for kitties from other dimensions.

And just think, kiddies, this is THE “it” designer of ladies’ headgear in Merry Old Head-Scratching England. He must be sniggering up his sleeve at the dirty trick he’s pulled off. And for so much money during a fucking recession, too.

20. Fucking Dubya. God bless you, Lawrence Wilkerson, for confirming what most of us have long suspected: that Dubya was never interested in “getting” Osama, but only in having a convenient pretext to make war on Iraq. No wonder the intel was all fucked up. It was done on purpose. And as we saw with Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame, anyone in intel who didn’t sing from the proper hymnal was thrown to the wolves. That was on purpose, too. And I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Dubya turns out to be the one who ordered THAT, either.

21. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Welcome to Bizarro World, where Ronald Reagan is a revolutionary, where muggers wear tank tops reading “DISCO”, and where ignorance really is bliss. And where there’s a “blame America first” attitude that needs “correcting” — with flat-out BULLSHIT. Yes, let’s “recognize and celebrate faith, religion and the role of God” — in the making of morons who have to completely falsify history in order for it to make sense in their beclouded eyes. Guess who just torpedoed all hope of his own future presidential run, kiddies? PS: And of course, he gets “good advice from great advisors”! Oh, fuckaduckabee.

22. Margaret Fucking Wente. Hate to say it, Maggie, but I think you HAVE embraced your “inner slut”. What else would you call THIS?

A heap of seething mad cow manure, on a gilded fainting couch made of false laurels, covered up with a Maple Leaf. Now that’s what I call flag desecration.

23. Dwight Fucking Probasco. Wasilla really IS the Asshole of Alaska. And small minds like his are the reason why. Suddenly, Sarah Fucking Palin’s “rise” to…whatever…isn’t so surprising anymore. Any town whose high school principal would ban a song like “Bohemian Rhapsody” from the choir’s repertoire just because Freddie Mercury was gay and some parents didn’t like that, deserves all the derision it gets. Such pea-brained pusillanimity is despicable, and worth getting away from as quickly as possible. I do, however, feel sorry for the decent folks who are still stuck there. And, happily, a lot of those decent folks are high-schoolers…who protested this stupid decision with all the derision it deserves, and got it reversed.

24. The Fucking Hundreds. In what fucked-up alternate universe is it hip and cool to treat women, literally, like pieces of meat? And no, I’m not buying the “irony” angle, either. Just as I’m not buying the sexist fucking t-shirt. Adios, muchachos.

25. Rand Fucking Paul. Lordy, lordy, good Gordie. Here I am, living in the land that was once the last stop on the Underground Railroad, and it turns out that thanks to our free universal single-payer healthcare, we are actually a land of slavery! Yes, people, welcome to Bizarro World — where black is white, day is night, wrong is right, and Rand Paul is still being taken seriously by someone for some reason; seriously enough, in any case, to win an election. In a land where REAL slavery once existed, and runaway slaves were punished when captured, no less. But hey, that’s okay; in Bizarro World, history, like slavery, means whatever a “freedom”-loving Randroid wants it to mean.

26. Fucking Tennessee. You accidentally banned marriage. Good for you! That’ll show those marriage-minded folks.

27. Fucking Florida. You accidentally banned sex. Good for you! Say, maybe you and #26 should get together…that way, both marriage AND consummation will be accidentally off the list.

28. Hosni Fucking Mubarak. Trying to make a comeback by sowing discord (or trying to) between the Christians and Muslims of Egypt? Somebody really has trouble understanding that he’s no longer wanted. Or really fucking vengeful that his wife is under investigation for massive theft, and scared shitless that he’ll be next unless he retakes the reins of power, soon — by hook or by crook.

29. Richard Fucking Connelly. Looks don’t make the sex offender, and sexually objectifying them (if young, attractive and female) doesn’t make the point that not all child-sex offenders look like your stereotypical “weird old man in the bushes” pervert, either. What it does do, is make you look like a shallow, amoral asswipe who can’t cobble together a “listicle” for shit, and who just gets off on the attention. (Eww, that is so icky.)

And finally, to all the fucking asshats who thought that a “Forever Alone Involuntary Flashmob” would be good for yuks. The joke’s on them: The Internet basically agrees that this real-life trolling foray was trashy and full of fail. It was hard to spot the stood-up guys in question, much less discern them as an “involuntary flashmob”; they just blended into the general milling-about that is Times Square. The anticipated anger and rage were, shall we say, kind of lacking. Not only that, but at least one of the intended victims wasn’t even upset when approached with the truth (he thought it was actually kind of funny), while three others got dates, thanks to a good samaritan who recruited some friendly female volunteers to make sure that the lonelyhearts would not leave Times Square feeling, well, “Forever Alone.” Which, by the way, is what anyone who’d perpetrate such a cruel hoax deserves to be, crouching and rotting in their anonymous cubicle until the end of their miserable lives.

Good night, and get fucked!