“I don’t know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don’t care. It’s not that important. It’s not our priority.” — G.W. Bush, 3/13/02
“And if we have Osama bin Laden in our sights and the Pakistani government is unable or unwilling to take them out, then I think that we have to act, and we will take them out. We will kill bin Laden. We will crush al Qaeda. That has to be our biggest national security priority.” — Barack Obama, 2008
Well. What a difference a decade makes, eh everyone? A trillion and a half dollars down the spider hole, ten years and two wars (plus a “humanitarian intervention”!), and even though the initial culprit is now officially gone, it ain’t over yet. His Barackness has yet to justify his selection for a pre-emptive Nobel Peace Prize. Would sure be nice if the late Osama were the last #2 Al-Qaida man we heard of being captured and/or killed, but alas, this imperialistic shit is just never gonna end. And neither, it seems, are all the racist metastases the War on Terra hath wrought. From graffiti on mosques to gun-toting preacher-idiots going where they’re not wanted, to Texan teachers with Teh Stoopid (thanks, Snarla!), the wanks just keep on coming. And I just keep on callin’ ’em like I see ’em. So here are this week’s offenders, in no particular order:
1. Robert Fucking Watson. So, if you’re for pot decriminalization, you must be “a Guatemalan gay man who likes to gamble and smokes marijuana”? Well, I guess Robert Fucking Watson must be gay, Guatemalan, and a gambler, because he was just busted for pot possession himself. And drunk as a skunk, to boot.
2. Curt Fucking Schilling. There is so much of Teh Stoopid in his “analysis” of Osama’s demise, it’s hard to say where to begin. Burial at sea is not a Muslim custom, for one. Adolf Hitler WAS a Christian, for another (Roman Catholic; never excommunicated, not even posthumously; and oh yeah, his view of the Jews was THE standard Christian one at the time; he got it from a bishop whose sermons he followed as a devout young Austrian Catholic). But my big question is this: How the fuck does a stupid-as-shit baseball pitcher become an “analyst” of world politics anyway? I’d like to kick him in the nuts…except I’ve a strange feeling he doesn’t have any. He talks like a very insecure little man, if you know what I mean.
3. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. “Praising” His Barackness in snarky terms for continuing the Fucking Bush Doctrine (which is certainly NOT praiseworthy no matter who does it)? That’s wankish unto itself, but seriously: Osama’s hideout was an “enlarged hut”? No. I’ve seen the pictures. It’s a large HOUSE. But one could be forgiven for thinking of the Pigman as I do…as an enlarged, and seriously bloated, sack of dog shit.
4. Sarah Fucking Palin. Just when you think she’s run out of wankery, she pulls a stunning new boner out of her beehive. Yes, folks, she actually decided to credit Dubya with the killing of Osama! Nearly ten years to the day after Dubya curtly dismissed a CIA briefer who had come to inform him that Osama was about to strike within the United States (“All right, you’ve covered your ass, now”), after two full terms of Epic BushCo Fail in two wars, and just two years into the first term of his successor (who, let’s give His Barackness due credit, IS successful when he makes up his mind to be), Dubya is magically responsible for the death of the man he let slip away at Tora Bora! And now another painful secret is out: That which we call Sarah Fucking Palin, turns out to be nothing but a well-programmed Stepford Wife — a ‘droid that defaults to crediting the far-right white guy, no matter how incompetent, over a black guy from the other side, no matter how competent.
5. Stephen Fucking Harper. Did someone hold a magnet up to his head and erase his hard drive? Someone please tell this amnesiac Stepford Prime Minister that Québec has had federalism for an awfully long time. Has had it since Montcalm and Wolfe had their little duel on the Plains of Abraham, really, but in living memory, they’ve also had it under Trudeau, Chrétien, etc. In fact, the decisive victory belongs to Chrétien. But hey, that’s Harpo: true to his ultra-partisan programming, never giving a Liberal the credit, even when that’s where it’s due. He’s the same about our economy, too–shocking when you consider how little credit for that actually accrues to anything he’s done, and how much actually belongs to what he hasn’t. And les Québécois are smart enough to know that, which is why they handed his party its collective ass in their belle province. Jack Layton, whom Harpo fears (and wants us to fear, too) is their (latest) federalist man.
6. Fucking Dubya. Yes, he’s wanking again. (Maybe he’s drinking again, too.) This time, he’s a no-show at Ground Zero. Seems that since he either can’t take credit for the demise of Osama, or has choked on another pretzel, or has road rash from riding his mountain bike under the influence (or some combination of the above?), he doesn’t want to turn out, even for just one day, to honor the dead. Maybe that’s because they are dead due to his own deliberate, malicious angling for pretexts to declare war on Iraq? Oh, just maybe.
7. Thomas Fucking Mulcair. Sorry, Tom, but even a Dipper makes my wank-list when they develop foot-in-mouth disease. And seeing as how you’re the guy who’s gonna be training the rookie New Democrat MPs, that was really a bonehead move. Hold it up to the newbies as an example of what NOT to do, mmmmmkay?
8. Scott Fucking Walker. A little too late for a goodwill tour. And what good will it do, anyway? The whole world now knows that the governor of Wisconsin is a wanker who’s cuckoo for Koch-o-puffs. And the whole world stands in solidarity with the people of Wisconsin, but not the Koch Brothers, and certainly not YOU.
9. Brad Fucking Wall. Wisconsin North: Saskatchewan haz it. Right down to the poll showing strong public support for the teachers, not the right-wing SaskaTory (lesser northern teabag) premier. Still waiting for the tractorcade, but no doubt that’s still in the works. Go public sector!
10. Drew Fucking Magary. I didn’t realize my boobs were silently screaming at men to grab them. Oh wait, yes, I did. That’s why I tend to keep them all covered up. And even then, dammit if the odd muffled shriek doesn’t somehow manage to escape the confines of my bra! Gee, dude, thanks so much for making me aware of the fact — I had no fucking idea where all the fucking harassment was coming from! PS: Love all the wankers in your comments section, too. And if any of you boys try to get funny on me with a little grabby-da-boobie, you’re gonna find yourselves on the receiving end of a highly satirical crushy-da-testies, just to see if you can take a “joke”. Capisce?
11. Tim Fucking Hudak. Uh oh, is that a backpedal I see? Why yes, it is! What could have brought that about? Maybe the fact that Ontarians, like all Canadians, actually LIKE human rights — and want their governments to uphold them, rather than trashing them? Oh, who’d of thunk?
12. Terrence Fucking Patterson. So, yer “honor”, let’s see if I got this straight. If a man is drunk when he’s sexually assaulting a woman, he gets off scot-free. If a woman is drunk when a man is sexually assaulting her, he gets off scot-free. By that token, a man who is too drunk to know what he’s doing when he gets behind the wheel should also get off scot-free. Now, how about a woman who cuts off a man’s nuts for assaulting her…while drunk, of course?
13. William Fucking Melchert-Dinkel. Elaborately falsifying your identity over the Internet and then counselling people to commit suicide so you can watch them die on webcam is surely grotesque enough to merit more than just the slap on the wrist that this sick fuck got. Two people are dead thanks to his pressuring — an 18-year old Canadian student, and a Briton in his 30s. I don’t think “they were going to kill themselves anyway” is any excuse. Also, “freedom of speech” has got to be the most grotesque defence I’ve ever heard. “Go on, kill yourself” is a death sentence, and surely illegal when coming from someone other than a hanging judge. (Hanging was Melchert-Dinkel’s suicide-counselling method of choice, BTW.) I know from experience that suicidal ideation can and will be outgrown, given time…and that means NO encouragement to self-destructive impulses so long as they are present. A person who is suicidal today can be a mentally healthy survivor tomorrow, and to deny them that chance is a crime. This man should be tried for first-degree murder in the case of both the suicides he pushed over the edge. Otherwise, what’s to stop him from going back and doing it again, and again, and again…under who knows how many new fake names?
14. Rob Fucking Ford. Whatsamatter, Robbie, are you afraid you’ll catch Teh Ghey? Why else not march with the friendly queerfolk in the Pride Week parade through Toronto this year? Don’t worry, no one would dream of molesting you. Come on — you chicken? Buk buk buk bawwwwk!
15. John Fucking Yoo. Torture just short of death is okay (in fact, in his “legal” view, it’s not even torture. But killing Osama was wrong! I bet he wouldn’t have said that if Dubya had done it. In fact, I bet he wouldn’t have said it even if Dubya had ordered Osama to be tortured to death.
16. John Fucking Bolton. Yes, Dubya’s sheepdog-who-hates-the-UN has barked up again. Funny how the death of Osama has brought all the BushCo relics out of the closet, looking worse for wear (if such things are even possible).
17. John Fucking Ashcroft. Yet another BushCo relic named John has resurfaced. This one, who got appointed Dubya’s attorney general after losing his Missouri senatorial race to a dead man, is working as “ethics chief”, whatever that may be, for the notoriously ethics-free mercenary corporation Xe — formerly, and infamously, known as Blackwater. And speaking of black water — isn’t it time we flushed all these Johns? Because dang, they been stankin’ an awfully long time…
And finally, to the minority of Canadians who voted for the not-so-new Conservative “majority” government. Enjoy your petty, vindictive triumphalism while you can, you fucking wankers–because the 3/4 of us who did NOT elect this band of democracy-hating teahadist thugs will be telling you just how much you deserve the misery that lies in store for you, every chance we get. And we know we’ll get plenty of chances. By giving your rights the death of a thousand cuts, Harpo and Co. will be making your life so shitty over the next four years that you’ll end up wishing you’d not voted at all.
Good night, and get fucked!