Crappy First Weekend After the Apocalypse, everyone! Lost any annoying fundie neighbors to the rapture? No? Dang, I guess this must mean we’ve all gone to hell. What a fucking letdown. Because that means we’re still stuck on Planet Mordor…with all these tacky wankers, in no particular order:
1. Keiko Fucking Fujimori. Her dad’s a known human-rights violator, complete with death squads. And she’s running basically on a “get Dad out of jail free” ticket. And now she has the nerve to call the democratically elected, popular president of Venezuela “dictatorial”? That’s a bit rich, wouldn’t you say? PS: Even richer, she says she’s going to work for the integration of Latin America. Don’t anyone tell her that Chavecito got there ahead of her and has pretty much done it already. She might throw a tantrum.
2. Tony Fucking Cornish. Give the homophobia a rest, motherfucker. And no, I’m not going to tack twelve exclamation points onto the end of that. I’m not a homophobic hothead, you see.
3. Pete Fucking DeGraaf. I would wish something awful on him, like, say, his mistress getting a “flat tire” (that’s what he likened unwanted pregnancies to!), but then I took one good look at his photo (clicky the linky, kiddies) and realized that with a face like that, it wasn’t likely he’d be getting laid anywhere, by anyone, no matter how much he “plans ahead”. Why is it always the most repugnant men who oppose women’s rights, anyway?
4. Eric Fucking Cantor. The city of Joplin, Missouri has just been flattened by a mile-wide monster tornado, and this little pisher is talking spending cuts? There are people you devoutly wish would just get sucked up into a funnel cloud, and he’s one of them. How could anyone even think of fiscally punishing those who had the bad luck to be in the path of a giant twister? Oh, but I guess HE would tell them to “plan ahead” more, too. The fucker. Well, if the money’s got to come from somewhere, then let it come out of the military-industrial complex, for a change…preferably the same meat-grinders that funded Eric Fucking Cantor’s last electoral campaign.
5. Patrick Fucking McHenry. He accused Elizabeth Warren (who is famously bullshit-free) of lying; I accuse him of being a fucking asshole. What the hell is he doing in elected office, anyway? He’d be an embarrassment to a kindergarten sandbox! PS: Bwahahahaha!
6. Herman Fucking Cain. Men of any color have no business telling women in general, and black women in particular, what to do with their bodies. Much less as a partisan attack. PS: That “snuffing seed” shit is just fucking gross. Who the hell talks like that, anyway? Oh, yeah: Repugs who sleep around, call the women with whom they do it ‘ho’s, and yet still think abortion is what’s wrong with the picture. But of course, they don’t want to pay child support. They’d rather leave all that up to the ‘ho’s. Who might just have to live up to the pejorative by turning tricks to feed the kids. Who’s “too cold” now?
7. Jaime Fucking Deremblum. You know, Jaime, what you wrote in the Weakly SubStandard about Rafael Correa has a name. The name for what you wrote about him is LIBEL. And this talk of “basic civil liberties that Americans take for granted” is pretty hilarious when you consider that all the things you libelously accuse Rafael Correa of doing…have been done, repeatedly and with impunity, both in the United States (against its own citizens, at home and abroad!) and BY the United States…IN ECUADOR. But hey — why let such inconvenient little facts spoil your nice, bullshitty, libelous narrative…right, Jaime? After all, you’ve got a war campaign to whip up against an innocent country and an innocent president. (Or two, if you count Venezuela and Chavecito; I know I do.) “Freedom” House, the IISS (the same that fudged up the dodgy dossier against Iraq) and the Hudson “Institute” all want to remain somehow relevant in a world that doesn’t give a shit for them anymore. And to do so, they have to provide pretext for bad foreign policy and more unnecessary, antidemocratic wars. And since you work for that last one, that means all crapaganda is fair game — isn’t that right, Jaime?
8. Harold Fucking Camping. A charlatan who got rich off other people’s superstition and credulity. Deserves to go bankrupt. A fraud case against him would be open-and-shut. But he’s predicting yet another fucking apocalypse…in October. Can’t he be imprisoned as a public health hazard? He’s driving people to mass hysteria and making millions off it, fergawdsakes. Oh well, in the meantime, I know one wanker who will figure prominently on this list in five months’ time. Funny how, unlike the end of the world, this is something that’s EASY to predict!
9. Brigitte Fucking Barèges. Oh great, France has homophobic idiots in government, too. And this one’s in Sarko’s own party — which, to be fair, isn’t known for its tolerance or acceptance of anyone who doesn’t quite conform; just look at the anti-immigration platform that got these fuckers elected. Still, I would really like to know just how same-sex marriage — the legalization of a union between two otherwise unrelated adults of the same sex, nothing more — equates to bestiality or polygamy. More to the point, I’d like to know just what kind of delusional stupidity it takes to see any equivalence there at all. PS: Nobody is buying the “just a joke” excuse, either. To be a joke, it has to be funny. Did anybody laugh — other than in sheer incredulity at the ignorance of this wanker, I mean?
10. Tim Fucking Hudak. Just call him the wannabe Joe Arpaio of Ontario. One more reason not to elect him as premier: He wants to build a prison-industrial complex, complete with slave labor, right here in our fair province. A prison-industrial complex that would take well-paying public service jobs away from those already doing them, and make it more expensive in the process — because after all, guards watching the chain gang and making sure no prisoners escape still have to get paid. Union scale.
12. Robert Fucking McGuire. Dumbest. Fucking. Sex. Offender. EVER.
13. Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn. Yes, again. And no, this is not socialism. Nor is it house arrest. What it is, is the kind of lunacy that makes me wonder if he’ll ever actually stand trial, or just go back to France, laughing up his well-tailored sleeve all the way. Frankly, he should have been denied bail and stayed in jail with the common criminals; like Conrad Fucking Black before him, he might at least get a taste of how the other 99% lives.
14, 15 and 16. Vic Fucking Toews, Peter Fucking Mackay, and Stephen Fucking Harper. Looks like the Minister of Adultery and Hypocrisy is now a Minister for Petty Revenge and Disaster Capitalism, too. But let’s not single Vic the Prick out for blame; there’s plenty of it to go ’round, so let’s extend our ire to his colleague the so-called defence minister, and to their boss. If anyone wants to know why Québec voted en masse against the SupposiTories, look no further. These western ideologues hate Québec; always have, always will; that’s why Harpo went to Manitoba and Alberta but ignored this one. “Let the private sector take care of it” is their way of saying “Let them eat cake!” And rest assured that the flood-stricken people along the Richelieu River won’t be forgetting this despicable betrayal and abdication of federal duty on the next election day, either.
17. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Kudos to Rae Abileah for poking a big hole in his hypocrisy before the US congress, and the world. “Real democracy”, my ASS. And who is the Yahoo to try to appropriate the Arab Spring for Israel’s ends — which, of course, are all about denying democracy, freedom and justice to the Palestinians?
18. Ralph Fucking Lang. Yay, yet another psychotic, cognitively-dissonant “pro-lifer” who has absolutely no problem with murdering doctors and nurses in the name of Jeebus. Good thing this one was caught before he could act on his desire to “lay out” any of them. PS: The Fucking State Senate of Wisconsin deserves a kick in the ass, too, for enabling this piece of shit with their no-permit concealed carry law, just recently passed. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU FUCKING CHEESEBALLS THINKING??? Do you need a pistol-whipping upside the head to tell you that guns are anti-life?
19. Jared Fucking Loughner. While we’re on the subject of deranged gunmen, let’s not forget this one. He thanked the judge for putting on a “freak show”? Uh, dude…that would be YOU. And nobody feels like thanking you for it. We just all hope and pray that you never get out of that psych ward. Or get access to another fucking gun.
20 and 21. Kenneth Fucking Moreno and Franklin Fucking Mata. Bad enough that the one repeatedly sexually assaulted a helplessly drunk woman while the other stood guard and let him; worse that they should both get off when it’s so obvious that they were guilty. I guess this means cops have a licence to rape then? Oh yeah, silly me, of course they do: It’s called a badge, and it’s also good for getting you off the hook for all kinds of brutal and inhuman behavior — such as when you beat up innocent people for protesting a bad government, like this one poor guy who got his arm broken and his eye blacked by thugs in uniform a year ago at the G20 in Toronto.
22. Chad Fucking Seigel. Someone please get Kenneth Fucking Moreno’s slimy defence attorney an anatomy textbook and show him where the cervix is. It is way, way up at the top of the vagina, for fuck’s sakes. You can’t get to it by “scrubbing” in the shower. In fact, you can’t reach it without penetration, and you can’t bruise it without penetrating pretty damn brutally. Which Moreno did, and has admitted to doing. If that’s not rape, then tell me, what the fuck IS?
23. Rick Fucking Scott. Oh noes, look who can’t face the scary, hairy libruls! That’s why he got the sheriffs to eject them — or just anyone who looks like they could be one — from his public events. Because the last thing a teabag needs is a public challenge from someone who has all their teeth and can string together a coherent sentence, right?
24. Cornelius Fucking McGillicuddy the Fourth, again. For the umpteenth time, when will Florida elect a representative who actually does something good, and doesn’t make overthrowing the governments of Venezuela and Cuba his fucking pet project? Aren’t they sick of this fucking idiot yet? Because, you know, that Venezuela-selling-uranium-to-Iran thing? Is just the latest in a long, long line of bogus pretexts for war and “sanctions” (don’t you just love that weasel word) against Venezuela. And it has about as much substance as that sexed-up dodgy dossier that was used against Saddam Hussein. Or less.
25. Avigdor Fucking Lieberman. Thanking Harpo for objecting to the talk of Israeli land theft at the G8? It doesn’t get any wankier than this.
26. and 27. Sarah Fucking Palin and Michele Fucking Bachmann. Was that a caterwaul I just heard? Get a room, you two. And stay there until the 2012 election is over, PLEASE.
28. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Mamma mia, Italy’s biggest corrupto is being persecuted again. This time by a mafia of left-wing judges! Why can’t they leave him to screw the nation — and his underage prostitutes — in peace? My gawd, they’ve even forced him to go whining about it to Barack Obama, as though the latter could do anything about that! Oh, the HUMANITY!
29. The Fucking Texas Civil Justice League. Congratulations, assholes, you just can’t make your point (whatever the hell it is) without urinating on women. We got it. You don’t like the ladies. Well, guess what, assholes — the ladies of the Texas Legislature, on both sides of the aisle, don’t like you for that cutesy widdle hate campaign, either.
And finally, to “Mike”, the sexist piglet at 126.96.36.199, who left his droppings here. Poor widdle “Mike” just doesn’t understand why “chicks” aren’t into him. And why they aren’t stampeding over each other to bring him sandwiches, beer and hot, juicy vajayjays. Hmmm, whatever could his problem be?
Oh, I know! Maybe, “Mike”, if you didn’t expect sex and sandwiches on demand, or at least just weren’t so fucking stupid as to call women a “protected class” when we quite plainly aren’t (does getting paid 70 cents on a man’s dollar sound like “protection” to you? Oh right, protection MONEY — hence the 30% deduction!), maybe you’d get some. Or maybe not, but at least the world might like you better. Right now, nobody does, and it’s all your own damn fault for being an entitled, whiny, lazy-ass shit who can’t even slap one fucking slice of baloney between two fucking slices of Wonder bread because his own limp dick keeps getting in the way. Not to mention how you can’t even keep it in your pants when faced with the irrational urge to wander into a complete stranger’s house and piss on her carpet.
Well, that’s what my ban filter is for, eh? Congrats, “Mike”, you just whizzed right into it. And so will anyone else who comes here trying to follow the bad example of Mikey-whom-nobody-likey. You have been warned…and, unlike predictions of an apocalypse, this one’s gonna come true.
Good night, and get fucked!