Crappy weekend, everyone! So, how are you liking Schlongergate? Yeah, me neither. But at least it spawned some funny toons, which I’ve put to good use here. Not everyone on this list has something to do with the flaccid scandal of the week, but all of these wankers are wieners or dicks in one way or another:
1. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Yeah, yeah, you broke the story of Andrew Weiner sending pictures of his (scantily clad) penis to consenting adult women. Bravo. So, where are the underage girls you and your fucktard brigade insisted he was sexually harassing? And why do I suddenly hear crickets? Oh, I know: It’s because you’re not a real journalist, you didn’t report a real story, and you didn’t bring down the man you were hoping to force into quitting. Bra-fucking-vo!!! You’ve had your allotted fifteen minutes, literally, by now. Now fuck off and go drink yourself out of existence for good, eh?
2. Alexis Fucking Bellino. Srsly, who the fuck cares what some trashy-ass plastic professional housewife “thinks” about feminism? Hey Alexis, you and your “traditional” marriage are not worth watching or talking about. THERE IS NOTHING INTERESTING ABOUT YOU. People like you are the reason my TV gets turned off for everything but the news these days. Now shut the fuck up and get the hell off the air.
3. Sarah Fucking Palin. Doubling down on the dumb with Paul Revere? SO not presidential. Her fans fucking with Revere’s Wikipedia entry in a vain attempt to back her up? SO not smart. Learn some real history, all of you, and GO AWAY. PS: “Beef, tequila and condoms” is apparently the new “lawyers, guns and money”. And if you’re wondering where that fecal odor is coming from, it’s something about to hit the fan.
4. Greg Fucking Fultz. Harassing his ex-girlfriend via an anti-choice billboard for miscarrying? And a Twitter feed full of hideous death threats, unfunny “jokes”, and violent “thoughts”? That’s about as dickish as it gets. And now we know why she (and his initial endorsers in the anti-choice movement) dumped him. What gives any man the right to tell a woman what to do with her own body?
Especially if he wears a fucking mullet, for fuck’s sake. If you can afford to put up a noisome billboard (pure roadside view pollution!) to vent your spleen on someone who doesn’t want to see you anymore, you could at least spring a few bucks, visit a decent barber, and make your sorry self presentable.
PS: That “N.A.N.I.” at the bottom? Not an organization. It’s the ex’s first name, spelled out. Oh, and she’s also disabled. Nice of him to pick on someone so ill equipped to physically fight back, eh? (Changing the org’s name to “C.A.N.I.”? That’s got W-E-A-S-E-L written all over it! Tacit admission, then, that he did this to further abuse his battered ex, not to fight for anyone’s so-called “right to life”.)
PPS: Gee, Greg, while you’re at it, how about shelling out some of that hefty billboard buckage on the kids you already have…IN INDIANA? Or do they not matter because they’re already born?
PPPS: A serial harasser of very young girls? And a wife-beater? Wow, I’d never have guessed. But that’s not all! Ladies, he’s available! Don’t you want to sign on to be his next victim? He’s a wingnut, he’s violent, he’s off his meds, he’s utterly unattractive — what more could you ask for?
5. Scott Fucking Hagerstrom. How the fuck are scare tactics involving fake eviction notices supposed to advance prosperity? Answer: They don’t. They just manipulate people’s fear of being thrown out of their homes for no apparent reason. This has been another jackass stunt brought to you by Americans For Prosperity, the stupidest fucking bunch of Koch-suckers ever.
6. David Fucking Tkachuk. Pardon me, O Unelected Squatter in the Upper Chamber, but I fail to see how carrying a sign reading STOP HARPER is in any way a violation of an oath to the Queen. If you’re going to quote the words of an oath, it might behoove you not to read stupid shit into it. Nowhere does it say “I shall not peacefully and silently protest while on duty.” It doesn’t even explicitly state that a Senate page shall be impartial; it only pledges loyalty to the Queen and her heirs and successors. Period. It is not an oath to tacitly legitimize what the entire country knows is a false government, in contempt of Parliament (and, one would imagine, unworthy of the Queen and her heirs and successors, such as they are). And those pro-war comments are downright obscene, since what our troops are doing over there is propping up a government even less legitimate than this one. I don’t know what kind of oath our unelected senators swear to the people they allegedly serve, but these remarks are a gross disservice to us all. So spare us all the pomposity and non-circumstance, and just sit down and shut the fuck up.
7. Conrad Fucking Black, again. Yes, Lord Blah-Blah of Cross-who-cares is ba-ack on the weekly wankapedia. Treating his fellow prison inmates as servants and demanding special treatment from the wardens doesn’t surprise me; I expected as much from him. I doubt he even wipes his own bum. But what really made me sit up and stare was Tal Bachman’s 2007 account of a very, very strange visit to Lord Blah-Blah’s mansion, in which a rather large portrait of Adolf Hitler was displayed quite prominently on a wall. It just seems so…EMBLEMATIC of something, somehow. Even more strangely, no word about it from an eerily silent Lady Blah-Blah, who is otherwise so voluble in her victimhood as a Jew. So, I guess that’s all just for show then, Babs?
8. Danny Fucking Williams. He hates les français? Zut alors! Well, there’s a shocker. Would never have guessed that of HIM! If ever you wonder why so much Canadian comedy is dedicated to mocking this self-important little putz, now you know. Danny is the living embodiment of a bad Newfie joke. (And if you wonder why so many Québécois are constantly yattering on about separating from the rest of Canada, now you also know.)
9. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Oho, the Pigman can dish dirt out, but he can’t take it? Shocker of the century. As is the fact that his sex-junket (in an underage-prostitution capital, no less) and illicit procurement of Viagra is not a hateful rumor, but a true fact, reported by none other than CBS.
10. James Fucking Taranto. I fail to see exactly what feminists had to do with Weinergate. So does he, so he just wings it (I almost wrote “wangs it”, which would have been an appropriate Freudian slip!) and basically just cooks up a big, weird, irrelevant mishmash over a long-reviled sexist statue that Weiner proposed selling on Craig’s List. Never mind that the statue in question has been deemed an eyesore since the days of Fiorello LaGuardia, it’s all the feminists’ fault! I guess this sort of shit flies if you write for the Wall Street Urinal; no editorial is too stupid for the people who gave us the atrocious Mary Anastasia O’Fucking Grady, it seems.
11. Darrell Fucking Issa. Pay no attention to that fat little man behind the Weinergate curtain, folks…he’s just deflecting your attention, yet again, from all the fuckery crapitalism is inflicting on you. Which is why they’re gonna go sniffing the crotches and panties of everyone, and cooking up bogus accusations of him chasing underage girls (when, as is now known, the recipients of Weiner’s dumb-ass crotch shots have all in fact been adults.)
12. Glenn Fucking Beck. Just when I was getting perfectly comfortable with not hearing him masturbating over the public airwaves anymore, what does he do? Exploit fascism and the Holocaust. Which, when you think about it, is exactly the sort of shit he WOULD do. Shut the fuck up and go the hell away, you creepy, doughy troll!
13. Tony Fucking Clement. Surprise, surprise…he spent G8 security money in his own riding, WHICH HAD ABSOLUTELY NO NEED OF WHAT THE MONEY WAS ACTUALLY SPENT UPON. If you’re wondering what that awful, rancid smell is, it’s pickled pork…fresh from the SupposiTory barrel.
14. Tracy Fucking Morgan. Horrible, homophobic death threats against your own son are “a joke”? So funny, everyone forgot to laugh. I hope the Children’s Aid Society has a sense of humor, because if they don’t, dude’s in a buttload of trouble. Pun intended.
15. John Fucking Ensign. Who’s got a sex scandal waaaayyyyy worse than Weinergate? He does. He spent $96,000 in hush money to his mistress (even calling it “severance pay”!). Even worse, it was in the form of campaign contributions. And worse still, he committed perjury over it. And that’s not all. Did you know he’s a sex predator, too? He first hit on Cynthia Hampton while she and her husband were staying at his house after theirs had been broken into by burglars. Some family values, eh? Yeah, nothing like a nice bit of capitalizing on misfortune between friends: “Sure, you can stay in my house if I can stick it in your wife!”
16. Sarah Fucking Burge. Honestly, isn’t the world already saturated with phony boobs and scary faces? I suspect this woman has body dysmorphic disorder, but I’d hate to see it become hereditary. Botox Mom was bad enough.
17. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Can you believe he’s still mulling a presidential run after all the evidence is in of his total moral unfitness? Somebody, please, whack Newty upside the head with a clue-by-four…hmmm, on second thought, don’t. The entertainment value of seeing this ultra-hypocritical oozeball losing to a black guy is gonna be sheer comedy gold.
18. Iurii Fucking Chumak. Yeah, sure, low blood sugar caused him to grope a flight attendant. That is, if “low blood sugar” is another way of saying “drunkenness and lechery”. Here’s a tip for all you other hypoglycemics out there: Do NOT self-medicate with straight Scotch. Especially not on a plane and in the presence of women.
19. Bryan Fucking Fischer. No, of COURSE gays didn’t cause the Holocaust. Silly fools, didn’t you know they caused the Nazi Party? Well, now you know. Lyin’ Bryan has set you, er, STRAIGHT.
20. Rick Fucking Santorum. Oh, wooky…someone is miffed that his name is synonymous with the goopy mess that oozes out of an anus after a vigorous bout of buggering. Too bad, Icky Ricky…I can think of many things worse. Like, say, having your name also be synonymous with creepy fetus fetishism or man-on-dog sex. Oh, wait…it already is all of that, too!
21. Nathaniel Fucking Heard. Doesn’t everyone leave a severed deer’s head at his ex-wife’s home for their daughter to play with? What? They DON’T? What kind of sick puppies ARE they, anyway? And why won’t they let him have contact with the kid? The ANIMALS!!!
22. Ozzie Fucking Guillen. Say, didn’t he tweet off on Sean Penn before, and in the same basic stupid words? I seem to recall that he did. The sad part is, I also distinctly recall that Ozzie used to be a Chavista. And he went off on Sean for…drumroll please…BEING A CHAVISTA. Gee, Ozzie, did all the Yanqui dinero turn your head? Too bad for you. Because one day, it’s gonna run out. And when it does, I predict Venezuela will start looking good to you again…Chavecito and all.
23. The Fucking PMO. Oh, how big of them to saddle Canadians with only 95% of Stephen Fucking Harper’s airfare to a Stanley Cup final (which he jinxed with his presence; the Canucks lost atrociously, 4-0, to the Bruins.) Compared to the 100% he usually forces us to pay, that’s awfully generous, wouldn’t you say? And he grossly underestimated the commercial airfare for one person, too — by more than five-sixths of what it would really cost. Oh, what a historic moment it is, indeed. I’m just surprised he didn’t prorogue Parliament again for this. Hey Harpo, here’s some free advice for you: DON’T ATTEND THE LAST GAME.
(Yes, this is Photoshop. But if he shows up at the last game in the series, he could well be seeing a real one right in front of him. This meme is catching on, folkies.)
24. Donald Fucking Trump. Ooooooo, hand-scrawled hate mail! How very mature. Still planning on running as a third-party candidate, Combover Boy? Please do…it would be so nice to see some right-wing vote-splitting. It would also be nice to see you and whomever the Repugs pick as their sitting duck lose by vast double-digit margins. In the meantime, your pissing contest is very entertaining, in ways you never foresaw.
25. Martha Fucking Raddatz. Oh, face it, Martha — the war in Afghanistan is gonna be lost no matter who bombs whom, or what, how many times. Smart bombs, dumb war — and dumber war correspondents are they who feel they simply MUST cheerlead for it all.
And finally, the entire fucking SupposiTory party. Triumphalism is one thing, but mocking pro-democracy protests that have your number? Beyond fucking chutzpah. Your last term in office is gonna feel like anything BUT a majority, if REAL Canadians (like Brigette, and me, and over 20 million others) have anything to say about it. Because, in fact, that’s what it is. Remember, the majority did NOT vote for you and do not like what you stand for, and are going to bust their asses to stop you in earnest. And all the Canucks games, piano-manglings, sweater-vests and kitten-naming contests (!!!) in the world are NEVER gonna change that.
Good night, and get fucked!