Wankers of the Week: Royal Drags

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Crappy weekend, everybody! How was your Canada Day? Mine was fine…marred only by the appearance of our local SupposiTory MP in the parade. And look! Will and Kate are out and about, and so are anti-monarchy protesters. But if you thought the British royals were a relic best disposed of quickly and humanely, how about Prince Albert of Monaco and his (alleged) almost-runaway bride? The wedding DID go off as scheduled, but what a royal drag these affairs are getting to be. And you know what else is a royal drag? These people:

1. Keith Fucking Tucci. “All terrorists are Muslim”? Really, “Reverend”? Funny, but this neofascist cop killer, who by any reasonable standard should qualify as a terrorist, doesn’t look like a Muslim to me. Nice smokescreen for trying to infringe on other people’s freedom of religion there, by the way.

2. Bryan Fucking Wilcutt. And speaking of terrorists who aren’t Muslims, here’s a fine example of a so-called Christian urging his brothers in Christ to get out there with their guns and kill gays. Using the old “Deus lo volt” as justification for the jihad, no less. Bet Wanker #1 will be dead silent about him!

3. David Fucking Prosser, again. This time for blaming his victims. Once again, I reiterate: A judge who can’t control his temper — and his HANDS — has no goddamned right to be sitting on a state bench.

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4. Jonathan Fucking Kay. The National Pest’s peskiest little nepotist has a bee in his bonnet, and it is, apparently, everyone who doesn’t accept the received wisdom of…whatever: “The children grow up, the hair falls out, careers plateau, physical powers ebb….. Like all forms of midlife crisis, the sudden lurch into conspiracism offers middle-aged men a sense of revitalization and adventure. In some ways it offers an even more complete escape than the proverbial mistress and sports car.” Okey-fine…but is this an actual description of people who don’t believe that 9-11 was, at the bare minimum, deliberately allowed to happen, or is it a projection of Jon-Boy’s own precarious state of mind? Judging by his dyspeptic rantings at the Pest, I’d say it’s the latter.

5. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Yes, she IS a flake. And a religiously insane fruit-bat. And Tom Petty is none too happy about her using his song, “American Girl”, as a campaign anthem, no more than he was back when then-gubnor Dubya tried to use “I Won’t Back Down” as HIS campaign song. Katrina and the Waves aren’t happy, either, since this crazy bitch seems bound and determined to use any and all music without permission. PS: John Wayne Gacy is an appropriate comparision, don’t you think? Also, history FAIL. And oh yeah: Nice husband you got there! Big fucking yap, lotsa chins, no neck. (And he sounds exactly like Templeton the Rat, which makes me wonder if he’s not a screaming closet case.) “Doctor”, is it? He should study nutrition. Judging by appearances, I’d say he’s made of nothing but trans fats and high-fructose corn syrup. And he thinks gays are the “barbarians” in need of “education” and “discipline”?

6. Rick Fucking Santorum. If Icky Ricky is such a family man (on dog), why are troubled kids getting herpes (or killed) in private facilities that he’s on the board of? Doesn’t he care? Or does he only care about squeezing money out of those places, which obviously can’t look after troubled kids for shit?

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7. Avigdor Fucking Lieberman. The hasbara was flying thick and fast as the second Gaza Freedom Flotilla prepared to set sail. Meanwhile, the Israeli foreign minister decided, very conveniently, to project the Israeli government and military’s collective bloodlust and eagerness for confrontation onto a handful of peace activists armed with nothing but boats, food, medicines and children’s toys. Oy, the chutzpah! PS: Ha, ha!

8. Dan Fucking Rottenberg. What an appropriate name for the dick who blamed Lara Logan for being sexually assaulted in Egypt! Yeah, Dan, we women are so “naïve” for not wearing burqas all the time, everywhere, so men don’t get the mistaken impression that we want to get laid when we don’t. (Like that makes a difference. I’ve been harassed while covered in baggy, unsexy clothes from neck to ground, right here in “safe” Canada, on the streets of my own small “safe” town. Men who are bent on hurting you don’t give a shit what you wear.) Newflash: Men are responsible for their own actions, and must be held accountable. Sexual trauma is not a joke, and it can fuck people up badly for years, as this traumatized journalist can testify. So sign the petition and get this irresponsible asshat canned and send a message to others that this shit is not okay — okay?

9. Nik Fucking Richie. And in the same vein as #8, there’s this shithead I never heard of or cared a rat’s ass about until today, and whom I will promptly (with any luck) forget tomorrow, because he’s a dickweed of a nobody who fancies himself the next Larry Flynt. He smears innocent non-famous people without doing his homework to see if they really “have it coming” (which the real Larry Flynt never did, because he only picked on the famous, hypocritical and guilty who DID have it coming). And, in lieu of actual substance, he’s fame-whoring his worthless “reality blogger” ass like there’s no tomorrow. Dude thinks he’s gonna “revolutionize the Internet” with vicious rumormongering (as though it didn’t contain wayyyyy too much of THAT in the first place). That’s like saying you’re gonna revolutionize public toilet stalls by scribbling the phone numbers of random women on the walls, with “For a good time, call…” appended. And yes, that IS legally actionable. Ever hear of a thing called LIBEL, Nik? You’re liable for it. Aim high, dude…and crash hard.

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10. Bristol Fucking Palin. Isn’t it sad how the guy who (allegedly) “stole” her virginity is now a “gnat” (her words)? Gosh, what does that say for her own judgment in sleeping with him to begin with? And what does THAT say about her mother’s parenting skills? Because, y’know, my mama didn’t raise me to be so naïve and ignorant about good-looking-but-arrogant guys. PS: That abstinence thing? That’s kind of like saying that the best way to catch a runaway horse is to close the barn door after it’s long gone. Also: What was it, date rape under the influence or consensual sex with unfortunate birth control failure? Murky prose is very murky. Anyone who’d buy that book is an even bigger fool than Bristol was when she let Levi take her for a ride. PS: Your mom’s look is dime-a-dozen, Bristol. Now stop your fucking whining.

11. Pat Fucking Robertson. One more worthless and ultimately meaningless prophecy from the Religious Reich of the US: God will destroy the country because New York allowed the gays to marry…other gays, that is. And consummate their marriages with you-know-what. Honestly, don’t they ever get tired of this “buttsecks will kill us all” meme? Especially since straight people have been having it since time immemorial, and the world just keeps on spinning — even with all those missed opportunities for procreation?

12. John Fucking Hagee. Someone please tell the Israeli government that the only reason this fat fuck is a Zionist is because he’s praying for God to kill all the Jews, so that the Christians can have the land Israel stole from the Palestinians. And that by doing so, he is objectively pro-death, pro-sabotage and pro-theft. With “friends” like him, does Israel need enemies?

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13. Joe Fucking Stagni. Basically, Weinergate in a wife-beater, plus actual adultery, with a bit of God-bothering thrown in just for good measure (it being Louisiana and all, y’all.) I predict he’ll take less flak for the “inappropriate relations”, though, partly because there’s no schlong in the shot, and also just plain old IOKIYAR.

14. Bill Fucking Donohue. So, marriage — TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE — is now just “insert Plug A in Socket B”? Well, there’s a humane and life-affirming image of sex to get you through the night. Remind me again why we’re supposed to subscribe to this worldview; it seems awfully narrow and mechanistic to me. Interesting how the Religious Reich suddenly gets all “scientific” about these things when, as a general rule, it cares little for science! As for explaining Father’s Day to kids with two moms, I propose the following: Tell them it’s a commercial “holiday” designed to sell barbecues and golf clubs and steak dinners. And if they have any questions as to how they were conceived and born, tell them the facts of life on that as well. If they want to know what marriage really means, tell them it’s a legal recognition for a relationship between two adults who love each other romantically and are not related by blood. In short: Tell kids the truth. They can handle it, even if Bill Fucking Donohue and his ilk can’t.

15. Sarah Fucking Palin. Hollywood stars are “full of hate”…and she, presumably, is not.

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16, 17 and 18. Joseph Fucking Farah, Jerome Fucking Corsi, and Larry Fucking Klayman. Humorless fucking birthers have no fucking sense of humor. They do, however, collectively have a whole lotta fucking chutzpah. Whose fault is it if they publish a blatantly untrue book, then have their asses handed to them before the book’s scheduled release date? And whose fault is it if they are fucking idiots, and someone else just so happens to point that out?

19. The fucking idiot followers of Michele Fucking Bachmann. Editing Wikipedia won’t make the truth about her stupidity go away, y’all. And long after the wheels fall off her campaign, all the facts will be edited back in, to remain there for posterity.

20. Glenn Fucking Beck. Oh looky, another round of crocodile tears. This time because they don’t like conservatards in that socialist hellhole known as Central Park. And those nasty-wasty Noo Yawkuhs let Biff KNOW it. Boo, hoo, fucking HOO.

21. Charles Fucking Adler. Why?

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That’s why. If it bleeds, it leads, as the saying goes. And crap TV is the ultimate vampire, as witnessed by this pathetic Facebook status update. Fux Snooze North needs a ratings boost, so let’s just trot out the grieving widows and use them to aggrandize ourselves and advance our flagging careers, shall we?

22. Fred Fucking Seaman. No, John Lennon was NOT a “closet Republican”. He was disillusioned with Jimmy Carter, whose effectiveness fell apart in the latter half of his single term…a disappointment shared by liberals and leftists everywhere, who’d had high hopes for the likable former peanut farmer from Georgia. But that hardly makes them, or him, “closet Republicans”, any more than it makes them closet cross-dressers or closet alien lizards. What it does make them, is disappointed liberals. And what it does make John Lennon, is a working-class hero to the end. His last political statement, published the month he was killed, was a declaration of solidarity with striking Japanese food-factory workers. So what does that make Fred Fucking Seaman? Well, besides a kleptomaniac who robbed his former boss, how about a LIAR?

23. Carolyn Fucking Bourne. If you think Cinderella had a wicked stepmother, here’s a twist: This one’s the stepmother of Prince Charming. And she’s not so charming herself, as an e-mail gone viral attests. Someone please tell Ms. Carnation Snob that pointing out other people’s (in this case, her future stepdaughter-in-law’s) breaches of etiquette in a nasty e-mail questioning their qualifications for marrying into “your” family is ten times worse than all the original lapses combined. And the “advice” is anything but constructive. Who the hell still goes to “finishing schools”, anyway? The same snooty bitches who cruelly recommend them to future brides, I guess. I can tell this one was not the best student, assuming she actually went; don’t they teach them that it’s bad manners to write poison-pen letters? And no, I don’t believe her silence on this matter is the least bit “dignified”; she doffed her dignity the moment she hit “Send”. The only way she can get it back now is to apologize in the humblest manner to everyone she offended. And on that point, we only hear…

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24 and 25. Pamela Fucking Geller and Robert Fucking Spencer. Speaking of crickets, England, and nasty evil rude people, how about these two? Where are their defensive posturings on the English Defence League now that the latter has come out as a hotbed of antisemitism as well as islamophobia? (Come to think of it, didn’t I wank-list the former last week for that very reason, saying she’d defend Hitler anyway?)

26. Fucking Halliburton. If you need any further proof that capitalism is NOT democratic, and that corporations dealing in out-contracted services are nothing but fascist fiefdoms worthy of the Argentine Junta, get a load of the contract they make their employees sign. In the case of the Big Dick’s Bloated Baby, it’s like a licence to gang-rape a woman. Literally. And worse, the federal authorities are apparently powerless against this piece of shit smeared on paper. WTF?

27. The fucking royalists of Morocco. Violence to prop up a decrepit monarchy, in the face of PEACEFUL protests? Wow. Looks like the Arab Spring hasn’t sprung yet in one North African country. A royal drag, indeed.

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“Chávez go away! / Chávez come back!”

And finally, to all the wankers in politics and the media who’ve been trying to make political hay off the condition of the president of Venezuela. At long last, sirs, have you no fucking shame? And can’t you do even the most basic bit of journalistic homework? He’s an elected leader, and the Bolivarian constitution of Venezuela has made it clear what the succession is to be, should he become unable to govern. The vice-president would step in to replace him, and if that person is also incapacitated for whatever reason, the president of the National Assembly would step in. So the presidential succession, as currently stands, is: Hugo Chávez, Elías Jaua, Fernando Soto Rojas. That oughta hold the country together just fine until the next presidential election, no? And in fact, there’s not going to be any transfer of power until further notice anyway. So all your speculations and talk of a “power vacuum” and “leadership void” are, frankly, BULLSHIT. They are also obscene and flat-out ridiculous. And if you have any decency left, you’ll stop with the crazytalk now and not embarrass yourselves any further.

Good night, and get fucked!

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4 Responses to Wankers of the Week: Royal Drags

  1. otto says:

    Why she haz squirrel on head? Some kind of Canuck in-joke? Pls enlighten.

    • Sabina Becker says:

      I have no idea. It was the only funny photo I could find. I gather it’s an allusion to her habit of wearing fascinators.

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