Wankers of the Week: Children of the Corn

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Oh, Basement Cat. You didn’t!

Crappy weekend, everyone! Are we enjoying fairground season yet? No? What, all those windstorms knocking down shoddily constructed stages and killing people getting you down? Shoot, that ain’t nothin’ but that global warming that we all know doesn’t exist. And if it doesn’t exist, then those people must be undead.

And speaking of undead, here are this week’s brainless fucking zombies of the apocalypse, in no particular order:

1. Michael Fucking Coren. This one slipped under my radar again last week (I blame myself for doing my best to ignore this inflammatory aging neofascist skinhead), but I think you’ll agree he’s a doozer worth starting this week’s wankapedia with. Racist as all fuck, and too cowardly to admit it. But hey Mikey, if you wanna make the London riots out to be about “culture” instead of race, how about your right-wing capitalist culture of raiding, plundering, raping and pillaging? A white-folks’ game if ever there was one. Figures, however, that this racist yob (who would not look out of place in full bonehead drag) decides to obscure THAT connection…

2. And while we’re on the subject of racist British yobs, how about that David Fucking Starkey? Newsflash, yobbo: The whites haven’t “become black”, they’ve ALWAYS been fucking barbarians. Especially in England, where so much of the world’s imperialism, racism, raping, looting and pillaging (from the top down, natch) originates. It was only a matter of time before the barbarism trickled down (!) to the lower classes. And look! There it is now!

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3. Michele Fucking Bachmann. No, of course she doesn’t JUDGE gays…she’s just bull-goose loony enough to believe that they are all suffering from “sexual dysfunction” that places them in “bondage” to Satan. Nothing judgmental about that at all! And she even says she’ll hire a token one if she’s elected preznit? Good luck finding a gay staffer who shares THOSE views. PS: Help, help, the Baby Jesus’s penis is threatening the Dark Ages mindset! Srsly, you can’t make this shit up. PPS: Liar, liar, pants on…how’s that go again? The real Abe Lincoln would be shrinkin’. PPPS: No, that’s NOT how to say “woman” in Spanish. Or even Spanglish. PPPPS: And how about that Soviet Union, threatening us all over again from the grave? Also, if people are known by the company they keep, then she really should be known as a terrorist supporter.

4. Philip Fucking Hinkle. Hey, maybe #3 could hire him, since he’ll probably be out of a job soon. Self-hating, closeted gay Repug, recently outed through his own arrogance and stupidity. What better qualifications do you need to work for the Queen of Crazy? And look! He’s part author of a same-sex marriage ban whose pointless cruelty was recently exposed by high winds and a flimsy stage! That’s surely a GREAT qualification right there…

5. Tony Fucking Warr. Retirement is a great time for you, a deputy chief of stormtroops, to say all the things you’d be too cowardly to utter while on the job. Like, oh, say, how a one-legged man deserved to get his prosthetic limb ripped off by your thugs — oh sorry, COPS — during the G20 débâcle in Toronto. And how they should “hold their heads high” for all being such assholes to about a thousand innocent people while letting provocateurs — oh sorry, vandals — get away with everything. Hey, as long as “nothing happened inside the security fence”, everything’s good, right?

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6. and 7. Sarah Fucking Palin and her First Fucking Dude, Todd Fucking Palin. They’re such quitbull sellouts that even in Iowa, Alaskans are coming up to them to say how fed up they are with all the Palin shenanigans. Time for Sawah to deep-throat a corndog; it may be the only way she can still keep pace with the preznidential ambitions of Wanker #3.

8. James Fucking Kirchick. James who, you ask? Yeah, I had no idea who he was until this week, either. Basically, he’s just another set of chattering teeth, yattering on about how Muslims are to blame for Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik. And how racism and islamophobia here in the west are not a problem at ALL, much less the real problem!

9. Rick Fucking Perry. Looks like Guvnor Goodhair (or Crotch, as he used to be known when he’d just fallen off the turnip truck in Austin) thinks climate science is some kind of cult. And his fundie-whackjob pray-away-the-climate-change “religion” isn’t?

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PS: Why do you hate women and girls, Rick? No, seriously. Teen girls are apparently okay to exploit pornographically, but don’t deserve protection from a virus that causes cervical cancer? WTF? PPS: I wonder if this will turn up any dirt. PPPS: God crashed the economy? Really? “Too Big To Fail” is God, now? Well, when they directly promise to help Crotch out, I guess he has to start worshipping them!

10. Dany Fucking Larivière. He gave his ex-wife one of the rocks from his head for her birthday. Awww, isn’t that thoughtful of him?

11. Tony Fucking Clement. “Security” is a marvellous pretext for many things nowadays. Including, in the case of this old Harrisite Parasite of a SupposiTory, pork-barreling your riding, even when it’s far away from the actual summit you’re supposedly throwing all that money around to protect. And there’s no way Phony Baloney Tony could have NOT known he was doing wrong, because he diverted the paper trail to make it hard for that pesky Auditor General to track.

12. Maureen Fucking Chao. Ain’t nothin’ funnier than a whitey-white US diplomat making “jokes” about how the people of India, where she happens to be stationed, are “dirty and dark”. Oh wait, there IS something funnier: Seeing said diplomat’s career go down the toilet, like something that’s REALLY dirty and dark. Yuk, yuk, yuk.

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13. John Fucking Chambers. Everyone knows that corporate CEOs are tax-dodgers, and big-time ones. But until now, it was considered in poor taste to actually be one and BRAG about it. Well, no more. Not only did he brag of it, he actually tried to bribe the US government by offering to repatriate his offshore tax-dodge money in exchange for a much lower taxation rate than the already criminally low rate of corporate taxation. If the poor get so desperate and hungry that they DO start eating the rich (and you all had better pray it never comes to that), I hope they start at his house and work their way on down.

14. Shery Fucking Lanford Smith. Ain’t nothin’ funnier than a whitey-white teabagger making jokes about how she could throw Barack Obama out of an airplane window and “make 256 million people very happy”. Oh wait, there is: Remember that this “joke” is in fact a poorly recycled version of a much funnier one about Dubya, Rummy and the Big Dick. The very same whom the teabags would now canonize as some kind of Holy Trinity of racist right-wing stoopid.

15. Ann Fucking Coulter. Realizing that pretending to be a friend of the queers wasn’t going to do it for her, and would only get her in hot water with her (closeted) fellow right-wing nutters, the Coultergeist reverted to a tried-and-true strategy this week: Blaming liberalism (i.e., her usual suspect) for the UK riots. Phew — for a minute there I thought she was actually going to try to be human!

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16. The Fucking SupposiTories. Yes, ALL of them. Their party wrote a letter threatening the widow of a man who died of asbestos-related cancer, allegedly for using their trademarked SupposiTory Logo™ to raise awareness of their support for an industry that’s killing its own workers (not to mention a lot of poor folks in ill-regulated countries whose business Canada is supposed to want). I don’t think it’s the “unauthorized use” that really bothers them so much as the fact that it’s being used to draw attention to their shitty pro-business policies and general heedless psychopathy as a party. And now they defend their threat-letter, too. Real psychopaths are used to getting away with murder, after all! PS: Petition here; sign it and keep it rolling! PPS: Anti-logo above, courtesy Pale Cold.

17. Doug Fucking Lamborn. So racist that he can only talk in dog-whistles, and so cowardly that he can’t bear even a little protest outside his office. Where is said office? In Colorado Springs — one of the most right-wing cities in the US. Chickenshit much?

18. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Same-sex marriage is to blame for the downfall of the “free” (note quotes) enterprise system? No, that would be the system itself. It is inherently corrupt. And it didn’t need any help from the queers to collapse on itself like a house of cards.

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Oh yeah, and there’s always THAT, too.

19. Whoever the fuck thought it was a good idea to shut down cellphone service on the San Francisco BART system. It was to forestall protests. Really fucking boneheaded move, trying to stifle dissent in a city world-famous for its long tradition of good honest people doing just that.

20. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. The Pigman is so fucking racist that he can’t look at an Oreo cookie without seeing Barack Obama’s face all over it, and so fucking sexist that he can’t leave Michelle Obama out of it, either. One shudders to think what he’d do if Hostess put out a new Twinkie.

21. David Fucking Golding. This one’s a dickweed by definition. He gave his ex-girlfriend herpes in the belief that no one else would want her and she would never leave him. Happily for her, he was wrong on both counts. And he just lost a precedent-setting court case over it, too.

22. Donald Fucking Trump. Barack Obama goes on more vacations than Dumb Dubya? Not even hardly. But Dumb Donald is constantly out to lunch, so what the fuck does HE know?

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23. Roger Fucking Noriega. Still flinging random poo at Chavecito, hoping that some will stick. So far, nothing has. But that won’t stop him from trying, bless his fat-clogged, pus-laden heart!

24. and 25. Ashton Fucking Kutcher and Dan Fucking Peres. Somebody please educate these dudebros about the phrases conflict of interest and full disclosure. Those things are kind of important if you’re going to write an article hyping all kinds of companies you have a personal stake in. Kthxbye.

26. Christine O’Fucking Donnell. Being asked relevant questions is NOT “borderline sexual harassment”. If you’re going to make an issue of your (creepy!) ultra-prudish sexual views, on which you campaigned, you have no right to get squeamish when challenged on them in an interview. And if your book doesn’t stand up to questioning either, expect to find it in the remainder bin before long. All the cutesy smiling in the world won’t turn such a turd into gold. PS: Nice prepackaged sound bites about “gut and instincts”, too. So gutty-instincty, all that rehearsed drivel!

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27. Albert Fucking Lovering. How to get a woman to buy you tons of expensive Nazi shit and old military junk? Tell her you’re madly in love with her. Christ, it’s like the fucking Nigerian e-mail scam, but without the Nigerians! And people wonder why I don’t put up any online dating profiles, anywhere, and consider dating services to be a scam? You can stop wondering now. It’s because they totally fucking ARE!

28. James Fucking Mahoney. For being Crotch’s god-bag man. What else? (Awful nice of him to offer Crotch a bribe financed with other people’s money, too.)

29. The Fucking OPP. They screwed up badly in the Russell Williams case, leaving one of his surviving victims (“only” sexually assaulted and terrorized, not killed like Jessica Lloyd and Marie-France Comeau) trussed up naked for five hours while they scrounged for their cameras. They didn’t take DNA samples, though, and they accused her of “copycatting” a case that hadn’t even been made public (that of another Williams victim, as it turns out). They knew a predator was stalking and attacking local women, yet they didn’t warn a soul. Instead, they just dangled her like bait while they went around twiddling their thumbs (and possibly other parts of their anatomy, which I’ll leave to your imagination.) If ever there was a reason to yell “Fuck the Police”, this is IT.

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And finally, to Stephen Fucking Harper. He’s the reason I’ve watched so little TV lately; all I ever end up doing is flipping my set the bird, because he’s on it, blandly bullshitting his ass off. All week long I’ve been hearing him puke pablum about “protectionism”, which is a Tory dog-whistle for sound economic policy. Guess he’s really miffed at Dilma Rousseff for not signing a fucked-trade agreement with us (like either of our countries seriously needed one, much less wanted it). Or maybe he wants us to end up like the “PIGS” of Europe who got slaughtered by the IMF and the banksters. I can’t help contrasting his petulant toilet antics with the bravery of the Venezuelan president, who is steering his country toward prosperity while undergoing chemo, and all without a word of complaint. Don’t tell Harpo what Chavecito’s doing, or he might just blow an artery. There is no tyranny like that of a good example, and Venezuela is one of the few countries NOT to be hit hard by the three-year-old global recession, which shows no signs of letting up. (The other countries not hard hit? All in Venezuela’s Bolivarian orbit. Surely a malign coincidence, ossifer.)

Good night, and get fucked!

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6 Responses to Wankers of the Week: Children of the Corn

  1. Jon says:

    Re: 9. PPPS:

    Goldman Sachs’ CEO said in testimony to the US Senate that he was doing God’s work. Goldman Sachs helped crash the economy in ’08. Therefore, God and His work crashed the economy.

    If God did crash the economy, but He passed over the Venezuelan economy, maybe He is sending us a message…

  2. Beijing York says:

    Awesome list of wankers, Sabina.

    I have to say that Schaefer character and his followers (Bachmann included) make for fascinating reading. Seriously advocating a return to the European dark ages, where God was first and foremost in all spheres of power over such misery that was called a “life” for a serf (and really not that much better for the gentry all things considered) is like wholly rational IF you live in a freaking padded cell.

    I think it was at Politics Re-spun that I discovered that Northern European is a bat signal to the racist, Christianists who want to restore white purity to North America and northern European countries (those swarthier Europeans can just STFU since they tend to be booze drinking, sexually liberal Papists). Oh yeah, it’s not about “race”, it’s about “culture”.

    • Sabina Becker says:

      Yep, it’s about culture, all right…a culture most of us are only too happy to have abandoned to the Dark Ages, where it damn well belongs.

      Interestingly, Frank Schaefer Jr. has completely turned his back on the Religious Reich and what his dad preached, and is now out there like Paul Revere, writing and speaking of his days as a Christer crapagandist, and warning of the dangers that these crazies pose. He’s done a complete 180. Rationality is a wonderful thing…

      • Beijing York says:

        Frank Jr. is a welcomed pundit in the scheme of things. I hope he goes on to detail all the abuse these fundie groups do, especially through home schooling and sending kids to behavior modification camps.

  3. Snarla says:

    Oh, how I love that first lolcats pic!

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