Wankers of the Week: 9-11 times 10, and wank to the nth degree

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Crappy weekend, everyone! The tenth anniversary of 9-11 is upon us! FEAR FEAR TERROR TERROR EVERYBODY SHIT YOUR PANTS IN UNISON!!!

Ahem. Scared yet? No? Good…because you’re going to need a tough stomach to get through all these asshats that I’ve got listed, in no particular order:

1. Tarek Fucking Fatah. You know you’ve gone totally through the Looking Glass when a Muslim starts making apologies for the bigoted crowd he hangs with. This is just as eye-rollingly nauseating as that chick (you know the one) who insists she’s “not a feminist but a humanist” so the boys will still like her and not have their precious supremacy threatened by any annoying bids for equality and respect. “I’m not threatening, really I’m not…” Well, neither are over a billion other Muslims, most of whom are sick and tired of having to incessantly prove to tin-eared bigots how totally nonthreatening they are (as if the simple everyday way they live their lives weren’t enough to do that). But that’s okay, Tarek, keep trying to peddle that lame someone’s-gotta-speak-out-against-the-Islamist-boogyman meme that plays so well with the stupidest of the scaredy-cat white folks. You’ll be the first one under the bus anyway when the imperialism you’re fronting for reaps yet another inevitable round of blowback.

2. Stephen Fucking Harper. And this is what #1 is fronting for: a blatant bigot who’s making me ashamed to live here, and who is ignoring the right-wing homegrown terror threat. Including that of his own government, spending billions to break protesters’ heads. Yeah, it’s not Canada anymore. It’s Fucking Harperlandia, and it’s turning into one helluva shitty place.

3. Jim Fucking Chu. Yup, he’s back on the wankapedia. And he has no idea why.

4. Ezra Fucking Levant. Bad enough that he believes there is any such thing as “Ethical Oil” (and I’m not kidding, that’s the title not only of his latest shitty book, but his latest shitty website); now he’s got Oprah Winfrey corrupted too. Or at least co-opted, in that her new TV channel is featuring ads for his shitty site and its shitty untruths. Meanwhile, the tar sands of Alberta continue to unethically pollute the air at a ridiculous pace. And so does Ezzy the Putz, everytime he opens his blowhole. Boycott, girls, boycott!

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5. Gary Fucking Doer. The anti-tar-sands protest isn’t “noise”, Mr. ex-Premier…it is more fact-based than the noise that you are emitting from between your lips. Which I suggest you shut, as what you’re doing reeks of political interference and censorship of free speech, and is highly undiplomatic to boot.

6. Chris Fucking Drotleff. No, you CAN’T go back to Afghanistan to work again as a Blackwater mercenary. You killed an innocent Afghan civilian there last time, remember?

7. Tim Fucking Hudak. Is anyone else as insanely amused as I am that a band called The New Pornographers is not amused with him for his unauthorized use of their music on the campaign trail?

8. The Fucking Harper Government™. Yes, it WAS official party policy to use that name, and now the proof, in case we needed any, is in. A government — not OUR government — has “branded” itself, and Christie Fucking Blatchford was asleep at the switch when it came to a REAL partisan obscenity. I told you, it’s Fucking Harperlandia. NOT Canada.

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9. Joe Fucking Kaufman. Who the fuck is this schmuck? Whoever he is, he’s a raging islamophobe. And he’s totally down with the drumbeat to “Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran”.

10. Joe Fucking Walsh. No, not the guy who wrote/sang “Rocky Mountain Way”. This one’s a teabag, and he owes a shitload in back child support. Come to think of it, “Rocky Mountain Way” might well become the theme song for what lies ahead…FOR HIM.

11. Bill Fucking Sutter. I can’t think of anyone less qualified to be a public prosecutor, except maybe that coyote who keeps lurking around the henhouse. This one ignores child porn (except to say things like “I don’t really care what people do in their own homes as long as no one gets hurt,” and “I probably shouldn’t see those [pictures], I wouldn’t want them to fall into the hands of some of my friends”) and makes rape “jokes” around women at the office. And when confronted about his behavior, his response is the usual non-apology of the “I’m sorry if you can’t take a joke” variety. Anyone feel that he can be trusted to actually, you know, PROSECUTE A SEX CRIME?

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12. Tasha Fucking Kheiriddin. She’s terrified of everything that she can’t scratch together the wits to understand (probably because she hasn’t any wits to scratch together at all). And she wants Big Daddy Harpo to swoop down in his kitten-encrusted sweater vest to save her, SAVE her from the eeeeeeevil Muslims, from the pinko cyclists running people down on sidewalks, from hockey rioters gone a-wilding, etc., etc. One day, one devoutly hopes that she will be too scared to type another stupid word (“Islamicism”, anyone?), and simply crouch under her desk in the fetal position, whimpering until the whitecoats come to take her away. Until that day, we have to put up with her incoherent screeds on everything she knows nothing about.

13. Wendy Fucking Dickey. I don’t fucking care if Pretty Woman (which is, in my unhumble opinion, Pretty Awful) is your favorite movie. That still doesn’t give you the right to dress up your three-year-old as a streetwalker. Does any little girl EVER say “Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be a hooker”? And does any mother reply, “Why wait till you’re grown up, honey, you can be one now”? Beauty pageants have always been tantamount to prostitution (look up the complete history of Miss America sometime; it’s not that wholesome!), and now, they’ve crossed that line. In the kiddie division, no less; even the adults haven’t gone there. So thanks a buttload, Wendy, for pimping out your own little girl, long before she’s old enough to even understand what sex is, much less developed enough to do it without getting hurt. The movie is called Pretty WOMAN, not Pretty Baby. Which is, not coincidentally, a movie about an actual child prostitute, pimped out with the complicity of her own mom.

14. Dick Fucking Cheney. The Big Dick is “honored” to be compared to Darth Vader? Somehow, that just speaks to the degree of his perversity. PS: Ha, ha, the Big Dick promoted his shitty book at a library dedicated to the OTHER Big Dick, and got protested for it. How appropriate! “Enjoy the freedoms he’s given us!” says some old fart in the audience? WHAT FUCKING FREEDOMS? He’s done nothing but RESTRICT freedom…worldwide! Senile amnesia is “compassionate” conservatism’s best friend. Also, note how the “folksy” accent creeps in, and how eager the Dick is to emphasize how he’s from Wyoming. Which has benefited not a whit from his evil ass being spawned there. PPS: And no, he hasn’t made anyone more secure, either. Even on 9-11 itself, he was an abject failure who endangered countless civilians on commercial flights.

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15. Karl Fucking Lagerfeld. Oh, but of COURSE Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn is “a sweet guy — as long as you’re not a woman.” An old gay fart like Karl has good talking, there…after all, DSK doesn’t get nasty unless he’s trying to stick his dick into somebody, right?

16. Irwin Fucking Cotler. The “time isn’t right” for Palestine to become a state? Well, if not now, then when? When will it ever be? This kind of temporizing could go on forever, and it’s exactly this that will fuck the Palestinians over, robbing them of self-determination until the end of time. But now nice and thoughtful of Mr. Cotler to insist that statehood and self-determination will only hurt the Palestinians. Because clearly Israel knows so much more about what’s good for them, isn’t that right? BTW: Palestine’s statehood bid is most certainly NOT unilateral; it has the support of several countries, as well as Avaaz. But what Israel’s doing sure smells unilateral to me.

17. Rick Fucking Perry. If he’s Galileo, I’m Joan of Arc. And the Queen of Sheba. And Marilyn Monroe, just for good measure. Actually, I take all that back: I am a lot more like all of the above than he is EVER going to be like Galileo! PS: What the fucking fuckity fuck is up with all that cheering for state-sanctioned murder? UGH!

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18. Rob Fucking Vavrek. Comparing your station’s stupid win-a-mail-order-bride stunt to nauseating, contrived “reality” shows isn’t terribly bright. And neither, by the looks of things, are the candidates filling out the application forms. They all surely deserve to get taken by a gold-digger who’s not looking for some Nice Guy™ to save her from all the schleppy drunks over there in Russia, but rather to pay through the nose for a marriage that’s never going to happen. And whoever dreamed up this sickening contest deserves to get his ass kicked for that inevitable fallout.

19. Michele Fucking Bachmann. The real world took one look at her, screamed, and ran.

20. Stockwell Fucking Day. Oh, LaughingStock. How can we miss you if you won’t go away? And why must you keep resurfacing only to make a bigger fucking fool of yourself? Two-tier healthcare isn’t a “taboo” conversation topic in Canada, it’s anathema. The conversation is OVER, and the public has spoken: We want single-tier only. And we want it for a reason: WE CANNOT AFFORD THE FUCKING ALTERNATIVE. Tommy Douglas nearly lost a leg back in the days when it was two-tier, which is why he changed all that; he felt no one should have to lose life or limb for lack of money. Why is single-payer always “unaffordable” while tax breaks for the over-wealthy are perfectly feasible no matter what? And why all the expensive, oppressive “security” that we clearly don’t need (which is eating into the money that could go to necessary public services)? That’s also anathema. So, LaughingStock, take your comedic monologue to Yuk Yuks, where it belongs. And let the grownups talk about real things, ‘kay?

21. Fucking Dubya. Next to #20, he looks almost intelligent. But in fact, he’s just as stupid. And it was HIS stupidity that made 9-11 happen: “All right, you’ve covered your ass, now.” NEVER FORGET!

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22. Bob Fucking Dechert. Uh oh, do we have a scandal? With a (married) Chinese reporter, no less? Sure smells that way…

23. Sally Fucking Kern. Gay people are more dangerous than terrorists? Because you have to look at their queer faces every day? And you think you’re some kind of fucking martyr? Poor baby.

24. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Figures that he likes to watch stripping “nuns”. Hey, what else is a bunga-bunga party good for, besides watching women try not to gag at the prospect of sex with the world’s ickiest leader? PS: Ha, ha!

25. Susana Fucking Martinez. If you’re going to take a hard line on illegal immigration, you’d better make sure you don’t have any skeletons doing the cha-cha-cha in your own closet. Like oh, say, your own grandparents. Or is this yet another case of IOKIYAR?

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26. Josef Fucking Ratzinger. No, “moral relativism” did NOT cause the British riots of last month. Unless, of course, you’re referring to the moral relativism of the British government, in which case you just might have a point there, Yer Popiness. But it’s not quite the point you think. BTW, about all that gold in the Vatican…

27. Rob Fucking Ford. Apparently, “transparency” has a new meaning. And that meaning is secrecy, backroom dealing, and unpleasant, unvoted-for surprises. Not to mention big fat follies on waterfront land that was long ago designated — DEMOCRATICALLY — for other purposes than to satisfy one man’s capitalist vanities.

28. Nikki Fucking Haley. Before you go calling working reporters “little girl”, you might want to learn to stop acting like such a spoiled fucking princess, young lady. PS: And don’t forget to pee in that cup before the voters fire your spoiled princess ass.

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And finally, to all the right-wing nutters out there who will be doing their best, after 10 long and stinking years, to STILL cash in on 9-11, and use it to excuse all kinds of atrocities against democracy and humanity. And then, when challenged on their bullshit, they accuse the rest of us of incivility and a lack of decorum, as though those things still meant anything after the decades of right-wing trashing they’ve taken. I would ask the old “At long last, have you no shame” question, but sadly, I already know the answer. At this point, the question is strictly rhetorical.

Good night, and get fucked!

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