Wankers of the Week: Wall Street Shutdown edition


Crappy weekend, everyone! Have you heard about the great Wall St. Shutdown? If not, you have only your crappy, prostrate corporate media to blame; they rarely ever report what matters. They have a fucked-up sense of priorities. And what a coincidence: So do THESE people. In no particular order, here they come:

1. Michael Fucking Brown. He’s not Jewish, but he preaches in Jews For Jesus, the strangest fundie cult I ever did see. And he’s not gay, but he has the audacity to blame LGBT rights activists for the murder of a gay kid by a homophobic classmate. I wouldn’t be surprised, at this rate, to hear that he also blamed a rape victim for “seducing” her attacker, or some such.

2. “Sir” Richard Fucking Branson. The “Sir” is in quotation marks for a reason. Why was this sexist old asshole knighted, anyway? I guess what I’m really trying to say is: Since when is commodification of women a chivalrous thing?

3. Julio Fucking Mompeller. What better way to commemorate 9-11 than to stand up, sans pants, through the sunroof of a moving vehicle on a busy highway, exposing your shortcomings to the world?


4. George Fucking Osborne. Let this be a lesson to all you budding politicians out there: Don’t go doing coke with hookers, because they just might remember who you are and what you said about your fellow budding politicians. And they just might decide to tell it all to the world. Complete with incriminating photos, yet.

5. Pamela Fucking Geller. This week, she finally got the reception she deserved, as her “protest” on 9-11 against Park 51, the so-called “Ground Zero Mosque” (which is not a mosque and is not located at Ground Zero), was shunted off to the sidelines and drew, at most, 200 people. My only regret is that it wasn’t even smaller. Or more marginalized.

6. Sebastián Fucking Piñera. This is a belated wank, but better noted now than never. On the OTHER 9-11, the one in Chile in 1973, he was a student at Harvard. And his response to news of the fascist coup that killed Salvador Allende, Víctor Jara and a host of other great Chileans? “We won!!!” No shit, that’s what he said. And just think, this mofo is now the president of Chile…and still refusing to admit that he did wrong, or that there’s anything egregious about supporting a fascist like Augusto Fucking Pinochet. I think that qualifies him quite eminently for this list, don’t you?


(And no, that is NOT a photoshop. That’s him, the Pinochet fan. For realz.)

7. Schaeffer Fucking Cox. How old is this gink, anyway? And what era does he come from? I’m asking because he refers to all the weaponry he and his alleged 3500-strong Alaskan separatist “militia” planned to use in a terrorist coup against the US government as “nifty”. Doesn’t that just sound like something straight out of the fucking Bobbsey Twins books? That is, if the Bobbsey Twins were wingnuts and totally into antigovernment terrorism?

8. Charley Fucking Prine. Gee, why not just cut that gay dad off from his children altogether, instead of unilaterally forbidding him to leave his kids alone in the presence of anyone not related by blood or adoption? Or does this Repugnican bonehead of a judge not realize that this means the kids can’t go to school, summer camp, etc.?

9. The Fucking Tea Party. Finally, we have confirmation that they are nothing but a bunch of fascists and psychopaths, all of them. How else to explain their willingness to let the uninsured die…and even cheer on a fucking fruitcake who advocates that very thing? Which leads me nicely to…


10. Ron Fucking Paul. He’s the fucking fruitcake. And his own campaign manager died three years ago, of a treatable infection, for lack of insurance, with a $400,000 medical bill still outstanding…but hey, it’s the principle of the thing, right? Better dead than “red”? And better in the red (of debt) than (publicly) insured? Someone please inform him that even his bat-shit crazy idol, Ayn Rand, didn’t go that road in the end. PS: Being endorsed by a drunk driver doesn’t help, either. But it is certainly emblematic of something

11. Rick Fucking Perry. He’s another psychopath in politician’s clothing. Executions are a “good” thing? Even when people who may well be innocent are killed? Only in Texas. (Ron Fucking Paul is also from there, which may explain a lot. They sure seem to be fans of herd-thinning down there in longhorn country.)

12. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Vaccination against cervical cancer is bad for girls, because then they won’t be afraid of God or sex anymore. Or at least, that’s the way I think her convoluted “reasoning” probably goes. Too bad that fear of cancer hasn’t stopped a single girl from having sex yet. And too bad a fear of sex hasn’t prevented a single case of cancer yet, either. As for the fear that a vaccine will leave you mentally retarded, I’ve had so many shots that I’ve lost count. I’d take the HPV vaccine anytime, if it were offered for free; I think forcing people to pay hundreds of dollars out of pocket for a potential lifesaver is what’s really stupid. And I’ll wager that my intellect is in far better shape than that of any deluded anti-vaccine crusader out there — especially the bull-goose loony Ms. Bachmann. PS: Ha, ha.


13. Cindy Fucking Jacobs. Someone please teach that woman some history. Native Americans did not, in fact, have any history of cannibalism, and no concomitant “need” of the white man and his smallpox-infested blankets to “save” them. PS: We pagans don’t need you to “save” us with your malevolent arrogance either, bitch.

14. Mark Fucking Steyn. Whatever he’s drinking, I wish he’d hurry up and die of it. Watching a man staggering around with so many holes in his head — and his logic — gets really fucking dreary, y’know?

15. Michael Fucking Reagan. See above, and add hallucinogens. Even in the Arab/Muslim world, a “worldwide Islamic dictatorship” is far from being a reality; democracy is surprisingly popular, and “Islamist” parties, often, surprisingly not. But hey, why let a little fact get in the way of a good empty argument for an anti-Muslim jihad?

16. Sue Fucking Myrick. Thin-skinned much? Being criticized for your islamophobia (and quite rightly) by Iranians does not constitute a death threat. And refusing to appear on TV to explain your silly positions doesn’t actually do much to buttress them.


17. Rob Fucking Ford. I predicted his honeymoon would be short…and sure enough, the drunken lout is already alienating Toronto. His support hasn’t merely “dropped”, and it isn’t “trending downward” — it’s PLUMMETING. Guess voters don’t like to see that their interests are part of a “gravy train” that the Frodster wants to derail. Hope all the trolls who came on here supporting him last year are now eating their own shit. Looks good on you, you fucking suburban rednecks.

18. Sarah Fucking Palin, y’all. Sarah (Basketball Player) Fucking Coke-Snorting Palin. PS: STFU, Tawd. You’re just miffed at this book because it makes you look bad. (Not that you needed any help.)

19. Wyclef Fucking Jean. For liking #18. And people think this guy’s some kind of fucking humanitarian? Wake up. Haiti is still no better for all his bragging. He’s famous for doing a shitty ripoff of “Guantanamera”. Y punto.

20. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. He said something unrepeatably vulgar about Angela Merkel’s body? Well, ain’t that some shit. I could say a number of unrepeatably vulgar things about his unconvincingly dyed hair plugs, his equally unconvincing facelift, and oh yeah, that thing he’s doing all this other dumb shit to compensate for, HIS TEENY WEENY PEENIE. But, people, you don’t need me for that; his awful pictures just speak (vulgarly and unrepeatably) for themselves.


21. Tim Fucking Hudak. I don’t know what’s lower: Exploiting sex, or exploiting the victims of sex offenders. Oh wait, I do. And you did it. You BASTARD.

22. Michaele Fucking Salahi. Yet another chapter in the non-story of a pathetic person who wants to star in a “reality” show — i.e., be famous for nothing. First she gatecrashed the Obamas. Then she wuz kidnapped! Oh noes, she wasn’t! She was boinking the guitarist from Journey the whole time. She left her extensive collection of Hervé Léger bandage dresses behind, which led her husband to believe she’d been kidnapped, because what dumb flit would leave behind a closet full of the most banal and over-hyped trend ever? Then she took a midnight train going anywhere, landed in some open arms, and commenced lovin’, touchin’ and squeezin’…another. Now it’s her turn to cry. Na, na-na-naaaa na na, na na-na-naaaa-na…srsly, folks, this stuff just writes itself. All I do is hold my hands over the keys, and music comes out.

23. Kari Fucking Simpson. Insignificant radio wanktard of the conservative persuasion (is there any other kind?) files police complaint against school anti-homophobia/bullying program, claiming its only purpose is to seduce kids into the netherworld of gay porn. Has this moroness ever heard of straight porn? Because that’s what the overwhelming majority of porn is: STRAIGHT. And much of it (though not by any means all) is strangely affirmative of sexism, homophobia, racism and other conservative “family” values, too. (Actually, she has something in common with #22 here: Both are nonentities desperate to get famous any old way they can, and who deserve only to be laughed at while the laughing’s good, and then ignored.)


24. Sarah Fucking Grunfeld. How to turn a Jewish prof antisemitic? By taking his words out of context and running crying to your campus hasbara group, claiming he said that “all Jews should be sterilized” (when, in fact, he only uttered those words as an example of the kind of opinion one is NOT entitled to freely express). Then, when your error is pointed out to you (along with the irony of it all), just double yer dumb and claim that his saying those words was enough, no context required, etc. How did this little nincompoop make it through her three prior years at York U., I wonder? She sounds like the sort of person who can’t think her way out of a wet paper bag. I had more critical-thinking skills under my belt when I left middle school, ferchrissakes.

25. Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn. Yeah, sure, old man…we believe you. All normal attempts to kiss generally end with torn clothing and a violent tussle on the floor, apparently.

26. Marshall Fucking Home. Funny how many of these “sovereign citizens” rely on public entities to help them finance their elaborate frauds. And on gullible fellow citizens to fall for them. Guess they’re not as independent as they make themselves out to be!


And finally, to the wanking wankers at T-Mobile USA. I’ve gotten a snotty e-mail back from them in reference to a petition I signed, decrying their bullying of workers who want to unionize; the same as many others have, apparently. They don’t see what they’ve done wrong in bullying their own employees, and they are determined NOT to see. This time, the bastards have gotten their way. Next time, may they not be so lucky. Yes, T-Mobile, you’re on my radar, and for all the wrong reasons. Guess who will never be among your customers now.

Good night, and get fucked!

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