Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how are we liking our crapitalism today? Not at all? Not a surprise! Considering how it’s costing everyone more and more to derive less and less benefit, unless you’re a 1%er, that’s only to be expected. And equally predictable, all the wanking coming from this week’s wankers, in no particular order:
1. Ann Fucking Coulter. Anyone still think she’s a friend of the gays? You can’t be that and defend DADT at the same time. And you sure as hell can’t be a friend of anyone if you’re a fascist ghoul…unless you’re talking Wall St. banksters. One thing this bitch certainly isn’t, is a friend of the troops. So Coultergeist, kindly stow the “pro-military” bullshit. You’re not pro-anything that doesn’t directly benefit your own bank account. Admit it! PS: Could somebody please feed this screeching homophobe a sandwich? Preferably the knuckle kind?
2. Not-Joe the Fucking Non-Plumber. What a coinkydink, just as Sarah Fucking Palin winds down her political ambitions, up pops THIS clown again. A little early for Halloween, and a little late for his own involvement, seeing as he peaked in ’08 and has been rolling rapidly downhill ever since. Now he’s running for Congress. Please, you in the Peanut Gallery, TRY to stifle your giggles. Okay?
4. Herman Fucking Cain. Janeane Garofalo is about the furthest thing from pathetic that I can think of. This guy, on the other hand…well. Let’s just say that Gloria Steinem was at least half right. I don’t know if the truth will make HIM free (it might, eventually), but it certainly pissed him off. Nice work, Janeane! PS: Learn to pronounce Uzbekistan, already.
5. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. Well, so much for the intrepid reporter who broke into Al Capone’s (empty) vault. When told that FUX Snooze lies, he fled. The truth didn’t piss him off, it just scared him shitless.
6. Eric Fucking Cantor. No, dear, the mob is who RUNS Wall St. Those occupying it are the democratic citizenry of the United States. You know, the ones whom it’s your job (assigned by the mob) to suck up to and convince them to vote Repugnican?
7. Patrick Fucking Howley. Right-wing would-be agent provocateur gets pepper-sprayed while trying to punk a leftist demo? Serves the fucker right. I’m only sorry he didn’t get thrown in the slammer, too. Next time don’t brag about it, asshole. And if you’re going to “confront authority”, try doing it WITHOUT violence or stupidity, like a REAL man. In other words: A LEFTIST MAN.
(Or, in this case, a leftist CAT.)
8. Tony Fucking Clement. If you’re going to make spending cuts, a good place to do it would be bureaucrats’ salaries. Instead, Pork Barrel Tony is going to be handing out bonuses to those who wield the ol’ budgetary meat cleaver the most like John Belushi and his famous samurai sword. And that bonus money is going to come from WHERE?
9. Rick Fucking Santorum. When all you’ve got’s a hammer, everything looks like a nail. All Icky Ricky Man-on-Dog Fetus-Fetish McButt-Ooze has to offer is his Family Values™, so he makes them into his magic cure-all for everything. Kids not doing well in school? Try Family Values™! Queers wanna marry? Try Family Values™! Women having abortions for economic reasons? Try Family Values™! And so on. So as the economy slides into a full-fledged depression, you know where he will be found. No, not occupying Wall St. in solidarity with the 99%ers. He’ll be on TV, peddling snake oil…er, Family Values™! (And if that doesn’t work, how about a war on China? After all, THEIR snake oil is cheaper…)
10. Erick Fucking Erickson. I swear, it’s only a matter of time before someone sets up a website mocking him. And I guarandamntee you that when that happens, it will be ten thousand times wittier and funnier than anything this buffoon ever comes up with in his vanity-soaked quest to piss on those 99%ers just below him on that ever-slipperier totem pole.
11. Whoever the fuck stole Roscoe the Pug’s wheelchair. You are lower than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut.
12. Fiona Fucking Ma. I have a confession to make: I’ve been studiously ignoring the whole rave thing for about twenty years now, mainly because I can’t for the life of me see the appeal of spending hours getting into those ridiculous get-ups, then wrapping a glowstick around one’s head while sucking on a pacifier (do they make those in adult sizes? Seriously?) and spaced out on Ecstasy (which you’d need to dance to the music, as it’d get terribly monotonous if you weren’t on drugs of some kind). Yeah, you could say I’m not keen on either the music or the trappings (never to speak of the drugs). But really: BANNING the trappings? Banning the music (such as it is)? You really thought you could DO that? Because of the DRUGS? Cart, meet horse. See if you can figure out which fucking end to attach yourself to.
13. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Did he tell Tavis Smiley and Cornel West to stop being black? Because it sure sounded that way to me.
14. James O’Fucking Keefe. If you suddenly have trouble finding Lucky Charms in your supermarket, blame him. Wouldn’t it be funny if Lucky the Leprechaun were the creation of a real Irishman, though? Oh wait…haha…he WAS! The cereal was invented by one John Holahan. Sure sounds Irish to me! PS: And if you’re going to talk about stereotyping the Irish, Jimmy, there’s always that fake IRA terrorist-in-a-kilt stunt. WTF was that all about?
15. Joe Fucking Walsh. There is no such thing as a verbal agreement not to pay child support. And even if there were, it wouldn’t be legally binding. And in any case, it appears there was no such agreement of any kind; else why would she be suing for it? Now pay up, you fucking deadbeat.
16. The Fucking Fratboys of Kappa Fucking Sigma. So, they’re “THE 1%”? Yeah, bottom end of the bell curve sounds about right. Oh, boys, just wait till you see that life is not one big fucking kegger. And thanks for reminding me why I went to not one, but TWO frat-free universities. (Not that I particularly needed reminding, but thanks.)
17. Curry Fucking Todd. Well, now we know why he sponsored a bill to allow gun nuts to pack heat in bars. What’s next, a bill to allow gun nuts to drive loaded?
18. Warren Fucking Gherasim. Because one drunken disgrace to the RCMP is never enough. Make it a two-fer!
20. Fucking Reuters. George Soros is WHERE? Behind WHAT? You’re shittin’ me. Where do you think he got all that money that he throws behind all those liberal-but-not-liberal-enough-to-matter causes? If you’re going to play follow-the-money, try following the Koch brothers. Now THAT would be a fucking story!
21. Michael Fucking Bloomberg. Sanitation is a flimsy excuse; any street in New York is no cleaner than Zuccotti Park, or Liberty Square (if you will). And if you’re going to talk about groping and lewdness, better look to your cops. Seems they’ve got some cleaning up of their own to do.
22. Don Fucking Cherry. The troops are coming home in caskets or with PTSD, but you’ll never hear him mention that, any more than you’ll hear him mention what really killed Wade Belak. It’s called dementia pugilistica; look it up. It’s been around a looooong time. And doctors have been calling for an end to prizefighting since the 1950s because of it. And as long as there are professional sports that not only allow but EXPECT competitors to hit each other, it’s going to be there, and killing them. But what does Sour Grapes care, as long as those rockum-sockum dead hockey players make HIM money?
23. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Why?
24. Greg Fucking Brophy. When you don’t have any legitimate reasons to be cranky about the Occupy Wall Street movement, just slam 99% of your fellow citizens as dirty fucking hippies. Then claim you’re worried that someone will attack the police, which actually hasn’t happened anywhere, let alone in Denver. This very clean and tidy hippie would ask to sniff you, but I already know what you smell of. Bullshit and brimstone, a piss-poor combination.
25. The Fucking Emergency Committee for Israel. And especially YOU, Daniel Fucking Loeb. Figures that a hedge-fund scammer wants to slam the Wall Street protesters as Jew-haters. Keep crying wolf, people. When there’s a REAL antisemitism problem to be tackled, I just know you will all suddenly develop laryngitis and be worse than fucking useless.
26. Alice Fucking Walton. Yay! The rich are NOT so different from the rest of us after all. This WallyWorld heiress spent her birthday night in the drunk tank, just like anyone else who’d flunked a roadside breathalyzer. But unlike anyone else who’d tried to use wealth and name recognition to get out of a DWI, this one failed to intimidate the arresting officer. Now, if only this would result in more humane conditions for Wal-Mart workers…
27. Pat Fucking Robertson. I’m thinking it’s high time his lord and master called ol’ Patwa home. And I don’t mean Jesus. This man is just another moneychanger in the temple. And we all know how Jesus dealt with THEM. (See illustration, above.)
28. The Fucking Harper Government™. Doctors who do abortions are NOT “terrorists”. But those who kill such doctors are. Next time, don’t omit the prefix, it’s kind of critical to the whole shit thing making sense, y’know?
29. The Fucking MRA “Movement”. Yes, ALL of it. And note the quotes. These guys are all, without exception, misogynous fucking psychos. They are marginal among men, and there’s a good reason for that. When you make excuses for a mass murderer of women, no matter how “justified” you think he was in doing it (because you have your own anti-woman axe to grind), you don’t deserve to be listened to or taken seriously in any debate. You do, however, deserve to be dragged out and locked up, preferably in a max-security psych ward. This kind of shit doesn’t deserve to be dignified with any pretenses to being a “movement”, other than of the bowels.
30. Mark Fucking Driscoll. His theory of masturbation-as-a-form-of-homosexuality is, well, a wank in the most literal sense of the word. Also makes me wonder how often he plays with himself, and if he fantasizes strange things about Jesus in so doing…
Some people call that Christianity. I call it Date Night.
And finally, to all those still dismissing the 99% movement. Now that it’s gone global, with indignados occupying central squares in every major city everywhere, I dare you to go on pissing on all those heads any longer. Might be yours rolling in the street tomorrow. Think about it.
Good night, and get fucked!