Wankers of the Week: Happy Wanksgiving!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And hey howdy, it’s Thanksgiving up here in Canada! Thanks be to Mother Earth for holding up my feet without complaining. I’ve got my yams, my homegrown potatoes, got my cranberries cooked, my turkey stuffed and ready to roast. I’ve got my act together. Meanwhile, here are some other turkeys who should fucking get stuffed…

1. Glenn Fucking Beck. There are times when I’m glad I don’t have kids, and then there are times when I’m REALLY glad. This is one of the latter. Biffy-fer-brainz has a new fascist kiddie show coming out, and who wants to expose a putty-like young mind-in-the-making to THAT? But then again, little kids, while impressionable, generally aren’t stupid…and I’m pretty sure that they’d be terrified of him anyway. “Mommy, make da cwazy man go ‘WAY!!!” But that’s a whole other parental nightmare right there, eh? PS: What fucking assclown gave him the right to his own entire TV channel? It’s not as though the idiot box isn’t already crammed beyond capacity with crap.

2. Nicholas Fucking Kristof. The last thing an anti-neoliberal occupation of Wall Street needs is…finger-wagging “advice” from the doyen of all New York neoliberals. Kristof, you may recall, is the guy who thought we shouldn’t worry about sweatshops, because sex trafficking is worse. The logical response to a load of drivel like that is goes something like this: It’s the EXPLOITATION, stupid! It all comes from THE SAME FUCKING PLACE!!! PS: Kristof is also the same neoliberal who threw women and the right to choice under the bus for Obama’s half-assed healthcare “reforms”. Surprise, surprise — how quickly he forgot who holds up “half the sky”, AT HOME. Anyone still want to take advice from HIM?

3. David Fucking Cameron. Curb your sexism, luv, before someone cuts your goolies off.

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4. Ben Fucking Cochran. Oh noes, college women use birth control! And worse, those jezebels had the nerve to go get some while this paragon of purity was coughing his poor widdle phlegmy lungs out in the waiting room of the student health service! Dude, chill. If you were really dying, you could have taken your loogie-horking ass to an emergency room for a tracheotomy. You could also have not subjected the entire fucking Internets to your witless whinings about coeds on the Pill, and how they should have seen a “specialist” for a simple medication that any GP can prescribe, and which most GPs in fact do. Including, as luck would have it, in college infirmaries! Oh yeah, and that reminds me: This little puke is, believe it or not, a nursing student. His original draft featured the c-word, among other misogynous goodies. And he doesn’t even grasp the basic concept of preventive medicine. Yeah, he’s got a brilliant career ahead of him, that one. Let’s just hope it’s not in Student Health Services. Or anything where he’s exposed to us nasty-wasty women and our (and I quote) “cunt problems”.

PS: Hey Ben, how’d your talk with the dean of your faculty go? Ha, ha.

5. Clyde Fucking Gardner. He had a fiendish plan: Kill his ex in a bear costume made from the skin of an actual bear he’d killed. Why, the bear’s own claws would even furnish the “perfect” murder weapons! Then he scrapped this brilliantly foolproof scheme and went to a hitman, who in turn went to the cops. All things considered, wouldn’t just getting the fuck over her already have been smarter? Or is that just too fucking obvious?

6.Tim Fucking Hudak. Apparently, professional homophobic organizations led by Charles Fucking McVety aren’t the only ones taking out ugly newspaper ads. Looks like the entire Fucking Ontario “Progressive” Conservative Party is guilty of the same sin. Can you say “desperate”, boyz ‘n’ girlz? PS: Oh, and he’s “standing by” it. How fucking noble of him! PPS: Annnnnnd he has lost the election. A conclusion long since foregone. When you cobble together a cheap copy of Obama’s hopey-changey thing on the one hand, and hire a teabag strategist on the other, you end up cancelling yourself out.

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7. Steve Fucking Stevlic. A little hooker to go with your tea to the party, bud? Nice family values you got there. Be a shame if something happened to them…like, oh, say, WORLDWIDE MEDIA EXPOSURE.

8. Hank Fucking Williams, Jr. Racist much? Stupid much? Project much? Godwin much?

9. Michael Fucking Brown. How was this one ever granted a marriage licence, never mind four of them? And what a pity there’s no such thing (yet) as reproduction licences, as he is precisely the sort of person who should be denied it. (If you don’t believe me, clicky the linky and read the sex advice he wrote down for his then one-year-old daughter. Ugh!)

10. Ann Fucking Coulter. Like #8, she’s projecting again. Couldn’t these people at least remember to wear their brown shirts and swastikas? The REAL Nazis would laugh their asses off at these lame, undisciplined present-day US counterparts of theirs.

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11. Craig Jaret Fucking Hutchinson. What kind of man tries to trap a woman into staying with him? The kind who pokes holes in condoms, thus forcing her to have an abortion and just one more reason to dump him. Two if you count the uterine infection that resulted from the AB. Bet he didn’t see THAT coming. PS: Lawmakers, can you please make forced pregnancy illegal? It’s one kind of abuse the laws don’t seem to cover. And it’s a horrifically disgusting way for abusers to keep their victims around for years. It would beat having to constantly ask “Why does she stay with him”, no?

12. Maurice Fucking Moser. Would you trust YOUR kids to a principal who is a bully himself? And one who opposes an anti-suicide measure — namely, a gay-straight alliance in the school? You don’t have to have a gay kid, or be one, to know that a school bully who RUNS the school is Bhad Nhews — for EVERY student.

13. Claude Fucking Doughty. Here’s a hot tip for all those who don’t want their official e-mails probed to embarrassing effect by the opposition: DON’T EAT PORK FROM TONY FUCKING CLEMENT’S BARREL. Because the “conversation” isn’t the embarrassing thing; it’s the fact that it’s all about corruption and covering up all the taxpayers’ money that was illegally funneled by the feds into Huntsville during the Fucking G-8 Summit. It’s not a question of being overheard; it’s a question of being fucking crooked, Mr. Mayor.

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14. Linda Fucking Harvey. How pathetically homophobic do you have to be to be unwilling to speak to a Christian woman — a REAL one — because she’s not a homophobe like you? Well, as Kathy Baldock (the real Christian in question) found out, very pathetically homophobic indeed. And also utterly ignorant of the overwhelming stack of scientific proof that God made gays, and made them different from “Joe hetero on the street”. But then again, this is par for the Linda Fucking Harvey course. Remember, she’s the one who thinks gay people don’t exist. Yet she also thinks ex-gays DO exist. How is it possible to be ex-nonexistent? I’m sure SHE knows, but the rest of us are scratching our overly logical heads over that one.

15. Raymond Fucking Davis. “Diplomat”, schiplomat. When is anyone gonna admit that this CIA thug (who killed two Pakistanis, BTW, on his mission of “diplomacy”) was just a hired gun, or goon? When the fucker punches out his own friend in a brawl over a parking spot, you know he’s not exactly ambassadorial material.

16. Jerry Fucking Pittman, Sr. So much for blood being thicker than water. This preacher-man picked water, and ordered a mob of his followers to beat up his own son (who is his namesake and Junior). For what? Being gay. Jerry Jr. brought his boyfriend to church, and his old man set the mob on them like dogs. Nice fucking family values you got there, preacher.

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17. Roger Fucking Noriega. Doesn’t this fascist fucker EVER get tired of trying to oust Chavecito? What a pity for him that the man isn’t going anywhere…except to the polls, where he’s going to win with at least 58% of the vote. If not an outright 60%. What does Noriega have against democracy, anyway?

18. Sarah Fucking Palin. Roast turkey: Check. Done: Check. Fork in it: CHECK. Hypocritical letter to supporters: Signed, sealed, delivered. Now, will she finally fade out of sight, or just go right on masturbating in public while loudly proclaiming devotion to her neglected family? Stay tuned. PS: Aw, shit. I knew it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

19. Gregory Fucking Quinlan. Ho hum, yet another professional gay-basher comparing homosexuality to alcoholism. And it’s a lifestyle choice. What a pity that he STILL doesn’t understand either alcoholism OR homosexuality. PS: “Homofascism” doesn’t exist. But fascism against gays does.

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20. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. Way to embarrass Canada in your zeal to get on FUX Snooze North, asshole. And nice mud you slung there. Chris Hedges is a journalist; YOU are just a cheesy entertainer. And Dragons’ Den doesn’t entertain ME. Neither do YOU when you forget your rightful place in this world, which I suspect is in fact the bottom of the shark tank.

21. Brent Fucking Rathgeber. It’s no coincidence that at a time when the Fucking Harper SupposiTories™ are trying to criminalize everything opposed to their agenda, they would also slam a prisoners’-rights group like the Elizabeth Fry Society, and a respectable party like the NDP, as “putting the rights of criminals against the rights of law-abiding citizens”. Hello? The two are one and the same, since a person who abides by the law today could easily become a criminal tomorrow just for dissenting against the increasingly totalitarian SupposiTory agenda. And said agenda is particularly keen on criminalizing uppity women, in case you haven’t noticed.

22. Julea Fucking Ward. If you can’t comply with laws that say you must not discriminate when offering counselling, then you’re not fit to be a counsellor. And your “free speech” be damned. Your right to be a religious bigot ends where your professional responsibilities begin. And if you can’t hack it, go find another job.

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23. Vic Fucking Toews. We’re spending $90,000 of our own taxpayers’ money a day to determine where the ax should fall on public services, and now we know why. A $78.6 million dollar bill (as only roughly estimated by our wanker, mind you — and trust me, if this bill passes, it’s gonna cost MUCH more) to criminalize everything under the Sun, and no doubt pave the way for private super-prisons for profit. I’ll thank the Minister of Adultery not to assume that Canadians agree to one iota of this “reasonable” heap of bullpucky.

24. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Everything Barack Obama does is an effort to destroy marriage. Including his jobs bill! This shit might make sense if you’re a Repugnican tea-tard — which is to say, if you’re shy a few saucers in your tea-set.

25. Eric Fucking Cantor. Concern troll, by definition. Apparently, Values Voters have decided that social justice is not a value worth voting for.

26. John Joseph Fucking Jay. Gee, I wonder when His Barackness plans to send the Predator drones after this domestic terrorist. And Pamela Fucking Geller, too. If it’s good enough for Anwar al-Awlaki, isn’t it good enough for them? They’re all guilty of the same thing.

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27. Neal Fucking Boortz. No, you know what’s REALLY a bigger disaster than 9-11? CAPITALISM. Which, incidentally, made a fucking KILLING off that infamous day. And of course, that writes the wingnut welfare cheques without which this slimy racist sewer-rat would probably realize that he’s nothing but another 99%er.

28. Herman Fucking Cain. Actually, the Wall St. protests are very American indeed. And they have antecedents. They were even especially popular with black people, which is more than anyone can say for Herman Fucking Cain and his fucking idiotic “blame yourself” message. And oh yeah, the bankers and stockbrokers aren’t the ones who create jobs, they are the ones who KILL them. Always have been. That was the reason behind the FIRST marches against plutocracy in the United States, too.

29. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Apparently, women are fair game, because rape is just a joke. Remind me again why I’m on Facebook? Remind me again why I’m constantly reporting sexist, racist and homophobic pages?

30. Peter Fucking King. Why?

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That’s why.

And finally, to the fuckers of Fucking FUX Snooze. Way to try to trivialize a horse that’s out of the barn and galloping down the road. The attempt to demonize Sesame Street is hilarious, too. By now these suckers are looking like real sad sacks, promoting the tea-tard minority while trying to keep a lid on the boiling kettle of frogs that is the majority of the fucking WORLD, never mind the United States of Amnesia:

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…which, by the looks of things, are pretty damn occupied, too. Ha, ha.

Good night, and get fucked!

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