Stupid Sex Tricks: A dumb-dumb threesome

First up, a little sexy-ass music:

Look at those fuckin’ hipsters.

Now, the news.

First up, Things You Should Never Do In Cop Cars:

It all started on Monday when a 911 caller reported a man passed out at the Whataburger along Highway 59 in Porter.

KSAT.com reported that when Montgomery County constables arrived, they found the unconscious male with two others.

One of the suspects, Howard Windham, was trying to wake the man up by slapping him.

During their initial investigation, constables found the unconscious man to have Hydrocodone and Soma pills on him.

Windham also allegedly had a Soma tablet when he was searched.

The other suspect, Tina Marie Arie, reportedly admitted that she had supplied both of the men with the painkillers.

The unconscious man was carted to a nearby hospital, where his condition is currently unknown.

Windham and Arie were arrested and taken to a nearby station for booking.

But on the way, the constable driving the car suddenly noticed that he could no longer see Arie in the back seat.

When he stopped the cruiser to investigate, he found that despite being handcuffed, she had somehow unzipped Windham’s pants and was performing oral sex on him.

Classy. But hey! Full marks for getting creative while handcuffed and blasted out of your fucking mind.

Next, the reason why all you ladies out there will want to think twice about making sex tapes with your guys. And no, it’s not Kim Kardashian:

Meet Christopher Scott, the ex-boyfriend from hell.

The 20-year-old college student was arrested Monday on a variety of criminal charges related to his uploading to the Internet of a video showing him having sex with a former girlfriend.

Scott told cops that he posted the video because he was “depressed” over his breakup with the 24-year-old victim, who did not give him permission to disseminate the explicit video. A remorseful Scott admitted that he was “trying to be hateful” and “realized the implications it could have,” according to a probable cause affidavit.

The woman, who dated Scott for six months, told investigators that she first learned that the video was available online when she received a call from her employer (who asked for her resignation). “Many people she knows found out about the video, and she has been getting harassed ever since,” the affidavit notes. The victim also “started receiving derogatory postings to her Facebook which has since been deleted.”

When he uploaded the 26:51 clip to the porn site XTube, Scott included the woman’s occupation and hometown in the title. And he described the video as featuring a “Slutty ex-girlfriend.” The clip, which was viewed nearly 36,000 times on XTube, was copied onto other porn sites, where it remains available. Stills from the video can also be found via a Google Image search.

Scott admitted to investigators that he recorded the X-rated video in mid-2009 in his dormitory room at Stevenson University in Maryland (the school’s web site lists him as a member of the 2010 men’s lacrosse team).

The woman told cops that Scott “had continually tried to get her to do things sexually with some of his friends,” but she refused. Scott, she alleged, “then manipulated her into making a video while they were having sex,” according to the affidavit. Scott admitted recording the couple’s encounter on his laptop, which investigators seized last month during a search of his family’s Delaware County home.

A review of Scott’s MacBook Pro turned up the “video of the victim and him that was posted on the Internet,” an investigator noted. Cops also found “several files with titles indicative of child pornography” and one image of child pornography that showed a naked, prepubescent girl tied facedown to a weight bench.

BTW, in case you’re wondering, “slutty ex-girlfriend/wife” IS an amateur porn subgenre, and a particularly nasty one, with ample room for ugly, life-wrecking repercussions. (I’m not kidding about thinking twice, girls; this is worse than getting his name tattooed on your rump in Gothic script. And a lot harder and more painful to get removed, too.)

And if ever there were an amateur porn subgenre *I* could wholeheartedly get behind, it would be of the “my sleazy ex-boyfriend/husband has a micropenis” variety. Sort of a Don’t Date Him Girl thing, but with XXX-rated pictures. Because hey, why should douchebags have all the fun?

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1 Response to Stupid Sex Tricks: A dumb-dumb threesome

  1. Jim Hadstate says:

    What IS it about lacrosse players? Do they all (I won’t use ‘think’ because that gives them too much dignity) only respond to urges sent out by their genitalia?

    And to all you young ladies who think some asshole “loves” you just because he says so, take it from an old man who lead a profligate youth. He doesn’t. The is responding to the urge that God installed in him when She was playing a joke on you. She was hoping that women would be too smart to miss the punch-line: that men enter puberty and never emerge.

    The point is, mun under the age of 50 are not to be trusted in anything that remotely is related to sex. And men over 50? Well, if things aren’t going well, the adult novelty story has a wide selection of devices that do a better job than any man you ever met did!

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