Wankers of the Week: A keg of vintage swine

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Last week it was slops; this week it’s hawg-butcherin’ time, and we’ve got a fat lot of pigs to get through. So here they are, with no further ado and in no particular order…

1. Mohammad Fucking Shafia. How ironic is it that his idea of “maintaining” his family’s honor…has dragged their name collectively through the mud by killing half of them? Oh, about as ironic as his idea that having a boyfriend is “prostitution”. No, it’s not…unless your boyfriend is paying you by the sex act. In which case, he’s not really a boyfriend. And, BTW: Thanks a lot, you bastard, for giving the poo-flinging right-wing screechmonkeys in this country so much free fodder for their already horrific xenophobia. That’s real fucking honorable!

2. Katie Fucking Roiphe. All hail Queen Katie, media darling of mediocrity. Her mother’s a well-known writer, so she decided she was gonna be one too. She had to make her name somehow (and justify their publishing her drivel, as though they don’t publish enough drivel as is), and mom already got dibs on the feminist angle, so Katie got it by being a (yawn) contrarian. Yeah, that’s right: A yawntrarian. And you know what a yawntrarian is? Well, if you’re female, to be one means you have to make like you’re too tough to need feminism, or that your world is post-something; you know the drill. Denial, river in Egypt, Cleo. Your uterus is lined with lead and your labia are leather, and therefore sexism doesn’t really exist. Oh yeah, and that date rape is just rough sex (or regretted sex), and that sexual harassment means he’s super-duper-double-looper creative. Or, to put it the way my oh-so-original middle-school teachers used to: It means he likes you, he really REALLY likes you!

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3. Michele Fucking Bachmann. On the other hand, you’re never a REAL victim of anything unless there’s an R after your name. Conservatives, you see, are the only REAL victims in the Universe. The liberal bias of all reality is against them! PS: I’m pretty sure wanting your own country to be more like a totalitarian-capitalist slave-labor nation isn’t helping that reality skew any.

4. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Remember how last week I said I didn’t believe he was really stepping down? I was right, he isn’t. And he’s promising his neofascist followers he’ll be back. Considering all the jeers that greeted him when he left, you’d think the fucker would realize he didn’t stand a chance, but he’s either egotistical or delusional enough to think that he does. And that alone is reason enough to make sure he doesn’t get to.

5. Monte Fucking Solberg. Why?

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That’s why. And in other news, guess who’s the REAL pig?

6. Herman Fucking Cain. Hey Repugs, you’ve got to find better token blacks if you ever want to lure anyone away from Obama. Why is this man even still in the running? Quite aside from the ever-mounting tally of sexual-harassment victims coming forward, there’s also the fact that he’s plain ignorant. Also, I feel sorry for his wife.

7. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Another Repug joke candidate who is still, inexplicably, in there. I guess just TALKING about morals, while not possessing a single one, is enough to qualify you for their slate. Gotta wonder what those Values Voters are thinking, if indeed they think at all. PS: And now we know why Freddie Mac ran into financial chaos in the middle of last decade. They had Newty “working” for them.

8. Jerry Fucking Sandusky. Give this boy-bopper full marks for chutzpah. What he did in the Penn State showers (and God only knows where else) was a crime, and witnessed by more than one unlucky soul who just happened to wander in at a crucial moment. But what he’s doing now, claiming innocence and saying he’s not a pedophile? Even though he was caught, not with his pants down, but altogether OFF? No, of course he’s not “sexually attracted” to boys — he just really, REALLY likes to take advantage of his position of power and responsibility to assault them! And yeah, everybody’s a liar but him. Know who talks like that? Paranoiacs and psychopaths, that’s who.

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9. Jean Fucking Quan, again. All the other mayors who arranged raids on Occupy camps must be hating her right now for letting slip that their widdle fascist crackdowns were part of a co-ordinated Homeland Security action, eh? (And, on a related note: What better reason for getting rid of Dubya’s fucking DHS? It’s obviously a tool of fascism. And you thought Obama was about Hope ‘n’ Change? If he were serious about THOSE, he’d have gotten rid of this first. And scrapped the USA PATRIOT Act, too. It criminalizes dissent, among other things.)

10. Holly Fucking Carmichael. Yeah, that’s right, sweep bullying under the rug. Go on pretending that having same-sex parents is a “tragedy”. YOU, lady, are the real fucking tragedy, as are your friends in Concern Trolls Against America. And as long as you go on pretending that being gay is a “biological fiction”, the REAL tragedy is going to go right on destroying young lives, with NO help from you. Now shut the fuck up, and go the hell away.

11. Andrea Fucking Peyser. I don’t know if by reading her atrocious column we’re supposed to get the impression that looking at “sacrilegious” art by a gay guy, we’re all gonna get AIDS…but I do know that reading her atrocious column (on SEX, of all things!) will give us all nausea and hives. And that’s bad enough.

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12. Edwin Fucking Summers. He hit his girlfriend upside the head with his world. That’s what he calls his goddamn guitar, folks. He didn’t want her messing with it, because it’s his fucking world, so he walloped her with it. Makes a lot of sense, really, when you think about it.

13. Vic Fucking Toews. When faced with undeniable truths, do what all CONservatives do: Deny, deny, DENY. This is, incidentally, also how a big fat adulterer like Vic gets away with impregnating a mistress, divorcing a long-time wife, marrying the Other Woman (who was a subordinate, a MAJOR workplace no-no), and STILL claiming to represent Family Values…and why the dumb sheep who voted for him blat along with every word. It’s all about penis compensation with you ‘winger people, isn’t it? (Oops…and now we’ll hear MORE denials.)

14. Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn. Guess his long-suffering wife finally got sick of sticking up for him, because she’s making plans to leave his sorry ass, and planning to recoup the beaucoup bucks she spent on his legal defence. I’m only sorry she didn’t do it sooner. So, I’m sure, are Tristane Banon, her mother, and Nafissatou Diallo, all of whom he assaulted in the name of his peculiar brand of “seduction”.

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15. Joe Fucking Amendola. Gotta hand it to Wanker #8, he sure knows how to pick ’em. I guess, if you’re going up on child-molestation charges, your best defence is a defence attorney whose own idea of how to deal sexually with minors is, to say the least, rather sketchy. How else to explain this one, who impregnated a 16-year-old who was working full time in his law office (having graduated high school two years early) and employing his services (at his urging, one wonders) to become an emancipated minor? Of course, the operative word here is still MINOR. Her own mother was under the impression that Amendola was more “mentor” than “paramour” to the girl, and I’d say that’s probably accurate. She wasn’t old enough to vote or buy her own beer. Why the hell was she considered old enough for her then 49-year-old boss to schtup?

16. Tom Fucking Vineyard. Riddle me this: How does just one person in every ten somehow become guilty of half of all murders committed in large cities? I have no idea, but he claims it’s so. Maybe journalists should start asking the homophobic preacher-man this very simple question: Where did you pull that statistic from — your ass, or someone else’s? Or maybe Jesus should just smite him upside the head for being so goddamn fucking STUPID.

17. Derek Fucking Howard. Unless you have a damn good crystal ball sitting right on the table in front of you, you don’t get to tell ANYONE what their future is gonna be.

18. Victoria Fucking Jackson. The has-been-who-never-really was just keeps on rolling. Further and further into irrelevance, that is.

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19. and 20. Sean Fucking Hannity and Ann Fucking Coulter. Instead of publicly discussing sexual harassment (about which you two repugnant twits obviously know nothing), how ’bout you just go get a room and do it to each other in private? PS: And while you’re at it, Baby Jesus, can you ball-gag that horrible woman? Thanks awfully.

21. John Fucking Boehner. Someone, please, get that man a towel. And take away his liquor, PLEASE. It’s getting so bad that you can’t take him anywhere!

22. Derek Fucking Tabacco. Oh, he’s “trying to get to work”! Yet he’s not AT work. He’s too busy harassing a legitimate demonstration! He’s one of just three fake protesters “counter-demonstrating” at Occupy Wall Street. (The other two are his brothers. Ha.) His commute is no more than 20 minutes, which anyone living and working in Toronto would KILL for. Yet he complains that he “can’t get to work”! Um, that’s because he’s never done an honest day’s work at a REAL job in his life. Can you say “cheap publicity stunt for an epic failure”, boys ‘n’ girls? (And just think, this is who’s supposed to be shouldering the economy. These are the “job creators”, the “53%ers”, etc. Couldn’t you just BAWL?)

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23. Taylor Fucking Garrett. Keep crying wolf, lonely gay Christian conservative boy. At this rate, even the sheep will no longer believe you. And your pal the Coultergeist won’t be there to defend you either; she’s too busy bashing all the other gay people out there.

24. Marcus Fucking Bachmann. Ms. Thing has a lot of chutzpah, doesn’t she, expecting to be paid for de-gayifyin’ sessions that were never used? By an undercover reporter looking into Ms. Thing’s “ex-gay” fraud, no less? And really — $75 as a “no-show fee”? For that kind of money, I could pay a REAL therapist for a one-hour session to cure me of the damage done to my mind by professionally homophobic closet cases. PS: Please join me in praying away the preying, and sign this.

25. Oscar Ramiro Fucking Ortega-Hernandez. Phew, that’s a mouthful of a name. It’s almost as long as the distance he would have had to fire that AK-47 if he’d really wanted to kill His Barackness, who was in Hawaii at the same time as this nutjob was taking pot-shots at the White House. PS: No, you’re NOT the new Jesus, and murdering a president is NOT “the answer to world peace”. Jesus was never a gangsta, duh.

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26. Peter Fucking King. I’m sorry, but anyone who has ever supported the IRA literally has no business kvetching about anyone else’s (largely imaginary) “violence”. Speaking of which: WHY IS HE NOT IN JAIL?

27. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Unless he’s supposed to look like he’s constantly drunk off his ass, I gotta say: DAMN, what a shitty actor!

28. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. In response to the title question of the Alternet piece, the answer is this: He’s the Fucking Pigman. He likes to wallow. And he never does it more…than when he’s PROJECTING. Yeah, Rush, that’s right: Your darkest fantasies are no longer a secret from the world. Oink, oink, oink.

29. Chad Fucking Ochocinco. Why?

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That’s why. It takes a REAL dumbass to think, in this day and age, that withdrawal is an acceptable birth control method and condoms are not. Lots of other guys who once thought so are called FATHER today. Must’ve shocked the shit out of them to learn that pre-cum contains easily enough viable sperm to do the job, eh? PS: Who the fuck puts soda in the freezer to begin with? A DUMBASS, that’s who. Smart people use something called the fridge, or if that’s not cold enough, there’s such a thing as ICE CUBES. This concludes today’s science lesson, kiddies. Remember: Always wear your rubbers, and don’t freeze your sodie-pop. And don’t be a dumbass like Señor Eight-Five.

30. Sarah Fucking Palin. Piss off, teabagging opportunist bitch, the Occupy movement doesn’t need you. And it certainly doesn’t WANT you. (Neither does the prosecution in the Sandusky case.)

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31. Josh Fucking Byrnes. If you seriously believe that unemployment benefits make people “lazy”, then you deserve to be out of a job yourself. Because that’s some mighty lazy “thinking” right there.

32. Dennis Fucking Miller. He just keeps getting unfunnier. And no wonder: His deep-seated racism, bigotry and xenophobia just keep popping out at the oddest times. Tell ya what, Dennis: If ever you’re on a plane next to me, how about I hit YOU in the head?

33. and 34. Howard Fucking Wolfson and Cas Fucking Holloway. The deputy mayors of the 1%. And the censors of the 99%. Call THAT democracy?

35. John Fucking Pike. Peaceful protesters must be pepper-sprayed for no good reason at all. Respect mah authoritay, bitches!

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And finally, to all the fucking fascists trying to discredit the Occupy movement, or actively co-ordinating to repress it, or sending terrorist death threats to individuals involved. We see what you’re doing there. We will NOT be intimidated. We will NEVER surrender. We will fight back. We will win. You’re not too big to fail, but WE are.

Or as my Spanish Civil War hero, La Passionaria, said about the fascists of her day: ¡No pasarán! — they (YOU) shall not pass.

Good night, and get fucked!

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