Wankers of the Week: Riot slops

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Crappy weekend, everyone! So, how are we liking all those riots of the past week? Penn State had a real one, for the worst reason imaginable, and everyone involved made out like it was some righteous show of school pride (it wasn’t — school pride does NOT flip TV news vans); Berkeley and Montréal had real, righteous student protests, which the cops were trying hard, as is their habit, to turn into riots — and failing dismally at making the demonstrators look bad. But the bumbling riot cops don’t have anything to worry about, because these sorry-ass schleps make their ineptitude look downright competent. And here they come, in no particular order:

1. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. The Occupy Wall Street protests are “exactly like 9-11”? Because they started nearly a full week AFTER the 10th anniversary of that day? One thing wrong with that theory: the timing is all off. Also, WHERE ARE THE FALLING SKYSCRAPERS? Where are the crashing jets? Why isn’t everyone running around like a panicky gerbil? Why hasn’t war been declared? Oh yeah, that’s right…this is actually NOTHING like 9-11. Now, for a somewhat germane question: How much longer before he goes blind and into renal failure from whatever he’s drinking on that dwindling wingnut welfare cheque?

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2. Margaret Fucking Wente. The Grope and Flail’s resident plagiarizing idiotess condescended (or pretended) to trickle down from her flag-bedecked fainting couch just long enough to patronize the Occupy movement. And as is her wont, she comes up lacking in facts and insights both. She claims they’re blaming the wrong people? She thinks those trying to fix our broken world are adherents of a “social model” that “no longer works”? Well, isn’t SHE a fine one to talk. She’s an adherent of a business model that has NEVER worked, except for the scum de la scum. She never had it hard in her life, and never worked an honest day, either. And nothing she says is ever going to change the world for the better, because she’s all about keeping the crappiest aspects of it exactly as they are, and trying to persuade the not-so-rich rest of us to leave ill enough alone, and go on licking the bosses’ boots as she does for an all too comfortable living. Her schtick isn’t getting old, it’s always been downright prehistoric. As one of my Facebook friends says, “Time for Wente to Begone”. I think I might even start a Facebook group dedicated to getting her removed, like the one already in place for Christie Fucking Blatchford.

3. Sarah Fucking Palin. She just couldn’t keep her whiny ass out of the news, even though her political career is dunzo. No, she just HAD to put on a ridiculous leopard-print ensemble (hello, Edith Prickley, you’re late for Halloween!) and weigh in on the Occupy movement. And of course, her “insights” are still not worth shit, any more than are #2’s. Remind me again why anyone even still asks her to speak, much less makes note of what she has to say.

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4. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Allegedly resigned. I believe it’s really over this time…about as much as I believe last week’s “bunga-bunga” explanation. This one’s got more lives than a Sumerian demon, and is just about as old as one, too. It will take nothing less than a stake through the heart to finish HIM. PS: Pathetic bucket list is pathetic. (Bucket lists are pathetic as a concept anyway, but that’s grist for a whole ‘nother entry.) The only thing that Berluscoglioni should put on his to-do-with-a-bucket list is to just kick that motherfucker, already. Because if he doesn’t, I foresee him ending up just like his equally butt-ugly predecessor, Mussolini. The only question is, which of his bought-and-paid-for “dancing” partners will hang by the heels along with him?

5. Michele Fucking Bachmann. No points here for originality, but hey, who needs it when you’ve got the tried-and-not-so-true to fall back on? When in doubt, call your opponent a socialist. No, not Obama — it’s Mittens, of all people! At this rate, she’s gonna run out of aces before…aw, who am I kidding? We all know she won’t be making the final round.

6. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Ever wonder why I call him the Pigman? Wonder no more. It’s not appearance alone (although his is certainly repulsive enough); it’s those constant salacious ugly thoughts that just can’t help coming out with a giant fucking slurping sound, exactly like a hog at the trough. (Even the pigs are shuddering at that odious comparison. Sorry, Wilbur.) No doubt a lot of the vulgarians who post their obscene sexual fantasies on blogs by women (including this one) learned it from the “man” (and I use that term loosely, as he uses much of the English language) behind the piss-colored microphone, who has certainly done more than his share in lowering the tone of political discourse for us all. PS: It’s pronounced “Be-ALEC”, not “Buy-a-Lick”, Rusty. But thanks for telling us in no uncertain terms what your Uncle Herman was REALLY trying to do to Sharon Bialek. Now, about your sex tourism…and your doctor-shopped Viagra…and… PS: Got tampons? Heh, heh, heh.

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7. Herman Fucking Cain. Funny how when Bill Clinton had a consensual affair with a White House intern, the rightards were all over it, trying to make it sound like he raped a child (he didn’t, and Monica wasn’t). But now that their guy is widely known to have much bigger zipper problems (none of them consensual!), they’re all rushing to minimize it. And of course, he’s leading the charge. PS: Five fucking flags? As in one for each victim to come forward so far? Stay classy, Unca Herman. PPS: And he attacks Anita Hill, too. REALLY fucking classy there.

8. The Fucking Duggars. Please, God, make it stop…and by “it”, I mean the production of any more little Duggars. The latest bun in the Quiverfull oven is Duggar Kid #20. I think it’s safe to say their quiver runneth over. Can’t you smite Jim Bob with a paralytic stroke causing total impotence, or something? Please, show mercy! The existing Duggarinos have more than enough to do already. And, as the oldest of six kids, I have to say, based on my own experiences, that that’s a fucking LOT.

9. Noel Fucking Biderman. Only a douchebag would run a “dating” agency for marital cheaters. Only a complete douchebag would advertise said agency using (without authorization) an image of a very plus-sized model, calling her “scary” — for having the temerity to pose in sexy lingerie while fat, natch. And only a complete and pluperfect douchebag would, when challenged on said ad, double down on the douchebaggery by juxtaposing that same unauthorized photo with one (probably photoshopped) of a skinny, “perfect” model, in order to sell the obvious non-starter concept of said agency. Of whose meagre clientele at least 70% is male. At this rate, it will soon be 100%, at which point the question must be asked: Just who is this agency catering to, anyway

10. Art Fucking Pope. Yet another shining example of libertarians’ “liberty for me, but none for thee” hypocrisy: This one donates money to anti-gay “causes”. At this rate, “liberty” will soon mean nothing except “whatever a fascist who wants to smoke pot wants it to mean”.

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11. Joe Fucking Walsh. Of course he’s tired of hearing people blame the banks. Who do you think financed Deadbeat Dad’s campaigns? Those things don’t finance themselves, you know.

12. Gualberto Fucking Garcia Fucking Jones. Why the double fucking? Because that’s what the Fucking Personhood Campaign tried to give the women of Mississippi. Luckily, their sick-as-shit amendment didn’t pass, so birth control is safe…for now. But in the meantime, the whole world got treated to a whole lotta creepy anti-choice crapaganda, with creepy anti-woman implications. FYI, “America” is a woman’s name, and it’s also the name for the entire continent stretching from the Canadian North Pole to the tippy-toe of Tierra del Fuego, Argentina. So all talk of “castrating America” makes no fucking sense whatsoever. It is fucked up on more levels than one. And the idea that “castration” should somehow be tied in with abortion and birth control just makes it all the more explicit that the anti-choice movement is not about the personhood of a zygote or a fetus, but about keeping women in subjugation.

13. Josef Fucking Ratzinger. Yes, His UnHoliness has stuck his Prada-shod foot in it again this week. Not so much by labelling pornography and prostitution as “crimes against humanity” (although that makes me wonder if such a comparison is fully warranted; isn’t that cheapening the Holocaust?), as in failing to acknowledge just how much Holy Mother Church has benefited from both over the centuries, and specifically, from one particular very large and lucrative German publishing house that puts out all kinds of lovely smut. Which, when you think about it, makes HIM complicit in “crimes against humanity”. Oh yeah, and failing to acknowledge that capitalism is the real culprit behind it all is also a pretty big hypocritical wank, because for a church that demands that its adherents sacrifice so much, it sure has enriched itself on the spoils. And given how the tide is turning against capitalism all over the globe, that’s a pretty grievous sin of omission, too.

14. Rob Fucking Ford. Oh look, the Fucking Mayor of Toronto has wanked again. And this time, he sprayed it all over the Occupy TO protesters. Who’s the dirty one, again?

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15. Stephen Fucking Harper. His British counterparts’ plan to privatize social services by turning them over to the charities is going over like a load of bricks in Merry Old England. You’d think that would be a wake-up call for him to realize what NOT to do, but Harpo is bound and determined to drag us all straight back to the mid-Victorian era and the dark, satanic Dickensian workhouse. Clearly the man has never read Oliver Twist.

16. Rick Fucking Santorum. And this is the way a professional closet-case’s presidential campaign ends: with ties to a football coach mired in a child-sex scandal. The “ties” being an award he presented to the sex-abuser in question.

17. Mary Fucking Matalin. Girls just wanna have fun. And feminists just wanna get offended. Problem is, the “feminists” she’s referring to in her silly diatribe are her own fellow tea-baggin’ Repugs. And the offences in question are the by now VERY well-corroborated accounts of sexual assaults by Herman Fucking Cain.

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18. Jim Fucking Chu. Vancouver’s top cop — what a trooper! Or perhaps I should say, what a pooper. Every time he opens his mouth, a turd falls out. Lately, he’s been potty-mouthing about how “illegitimate” and “disorderly” Occupy Vancouver is, even though a preponderance of evidence suggests the opposite. The protesters are, oddly, doing more for the local homeless and drug-addicted than the cops and mayor (who is also quite the piece of work, and by work, I mean SHIT). They’re feeding them, sheltering them, and even furnishing them a little badly-needed human solidarity for a change. And someone wants to make out like this is a bad thing? Bitch, please.

19. The Fucking Coca-Cola Co. Must be nice to have so much money to burn that you can corrupt an entire federal agency. Or two. Or three. Or, who knows, probably ALL that have anything even remotely to do with keeping your corporatocracy and wanton waste from eating up the planet.

20. Joe Fucking Paterno. Look: I don’t give a shit how illustrious your football coaching career was. If you fail to report child sexual abuse to the police when you know what’s going on, cover up for an assistant coach you know to be a criminal, and then make stupid fucking pablum statements about praying for the “poor victims” (as if THAT would actually help), then you’re not fit to be in charge of a lemonade stand. Never mind a state college team, no matter how many pennants and trophies they bring home.You are officially complicit in the rape of children, gramps. Winningest cover-up artist in the history of college football — WEAR IT PROUDLY.

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21. And that goes for Graham Fucking Spanier, too. College football, more important than the safety and well-being of at-risk kids? FUCK THAT SHIT.

22. Shawn Fucking Weimer. I don’t care if your 9-year-old was “driving good”, I care that a drunken lout was making his very underage kid drive him home from a bender. And so should judge and jury, if they have any sense at all.

23. James O’Fucking Keefe. What he does is NOT journalism (in case there was any doubt still remaining in any obscure mold-encrusted corner of the world). What he does is, at best, a lame form of punking. And what he didn’t realize, until this past week, was that some people punk back. And on that note: All hail Sree Sreenivasan, Dean of Students at the Columbia School of Journalism. He was Jimmeh’s intended punkee, but he turned into his punker instead. And all by just doing what real journalists do: Asking pertinent questions. Which is something Jimmeh just hasn’t learned how to do, and probably never will as long as he remains a junior-grade crapaganda flunkey for the right.

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24. Peter LaFucking Barbera. No, childhood sex abuse does NOT turn you gay. Nor is it the result of being gay, which I doubt Jerry Sandusky is. It’s the POWER, stupid! Power inequality, sexualized = ABUSE. It’s that simple, and it’s amazing how many people don’t get that.

25. James Fucking Murdoch. If you sincerely believe that everyone BUT you is a liar, you are a paranoiac. And if you only claim it, you are a fucking sociopath. As for me, I think the diagnosis by Tom Watson is almost accurate: “…the first Mafia boss in history who didn’t know he was running a criminal enterprise.” I think he and his old man BOTH knew. Which makes them BOTH sociopathic mob bosses who can’t lie to save whatever’s left of their souls.

26. Henry Fucking Burris. Zing! Schooled on the Sandusky scandal via the tweeter by Theo Fleury, who himself was the victim of sexual abuse by a former coach. That’s gotta smart!

27. Pat Fucking Lynch. Good thing this homophobic asshole of a football coach resigned, or his surname would have become his fate. Now, I suggest that he do the same as a guidance counselor, for the same reason. That is all.

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28. Roger Fucking Noriega. Everybody, please mark your calendars for six months from now. That’s how long this delusional prick thinks Chavecito has left to live. Won’t it be funny when, on that day, the man this putschist buffoon wants to see gone…is still alive, well, and very much in charge of Venezuela? You KNOW you won’t want to miss that. Mark it, I tell you.

29. The Fucking Teabags of Wisconsin. Felons all. And willing to resort to crime to keep Scott Wanker from being democratically recalled, as is legal in that state. And as is LONG overdue.

30. Brad Fucking Geddes. A fucking 1%er is a fine one to call Occupy TO hypocritical. Pot, meet kettle over there in the mirror. Your conscience must have been biting you hard if you felt the express need to go slumming in St. James Park and insult it. Hope your little tirade was fun while it lasted, because it’s gonna net you a LOT of backlash and ridicule.

31. Brett Fucking Ratner. I have no idea who the fuck he is, but he sure has a purty mouth. And the fact that right-wingers are defending all the sewage that came out of it tells you all you need to know about HIM.

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32. Moshe Fucking Eisenstein. Since when is “radical” the opposite of “civilized”? That’s some very sloppy thinking you got there, perfesser. Even sloppier of you to think no one can tell an anti-Muslim dog-whistle when it comes out of someone who has no qualms linking to the sludge-pipe of Pamela Fucking Geller. Who is, in case you haven’t heard, quite the sloppy “thinker” herself.

33. Andrea Fucking Peyser. Ever hear that phrase, “It takes one to know one”? Applies here.

34. Joe Fucking Fontana. Evicting a peaceful protest from the streets of London (Ontario, not England) is a wank unto itself. But trucking their tents and equipment to the dump, and then calling THAT an “olive branch”? I’d call that reason enough for the protesters to hurl it all right back in the mayor’s hypocritical face. No wonder he’s losing support, while the Occupy movement is gaining it.

35. Fucking Jay-Z. No, you don’t get to profit off a protest against the 1%. Remember, you are the 1%. And oh yeah, that’s right: You’re not letting any of those profits trickle down, are you?

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And finally, to the holy fucking shitheads of the Religious Reich. No, you can’t pray away the Occupy movement. God is not listening to anyone who wants to see 99% of humanity wiped out, including (whether you realize it or not) your sad-sack selves.

Good night, and get fucked!

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4 Responses to Wankers of the Week: Riot slops

  1. Dillon says:

    You didn’t include a picture of Palin, so I clicked the link to see if you were exaggerating about the Edith Prickley resemblance. Turns out you were not.

  2. Beijing York says:

    Stellar list again!

  3. Polaris says:

    Herman Cain’s an old school horndog. He thinks women are playthings. If he can get the nomination he won’t get enough of the female vote to win the presidency.

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