Wankers of the Week: First Badvent edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Wow, first Advent…first week of December…where did the past week go? If you spent any of it fighting other shoppers in stores (some armed with pepper spray, oy vey), you may have saved a few bucks, but you wasted your time. But never fear, you can make up for it here…by getting some badly needed laughs at the expense of the following, in no particular order…

1. David Fucking Duke. Savor, for a moment, the irony that this fucking Nazi was arrested for trying to spread fascism…in Germany. Then, savor the irony that he had the unmitigated chutzpah to solicit donations from his brain-dead followers (who, in a further irony, make quite a case for eugenics, or at least, against cousin marriage).

2. Grant Fucking Smith. It takes a special kind of balls to look at kiddie porn on your laptop during a first-class flight from Salt Lake City to Boston. it takes a special kind of mustache, for sure. It also takes a special kind of total fucking stupidity.

3. Herman Fucking Cain. And the laffs just keep on rollin’. This week we have more sexual-molestation victims coming forward, AND a woman who was Cain’s mistress (presumably consensual) for thirteen years. Even funnier: This zipper trouble is, according to his lawyer, no one’s business, while what Bill Clinton’s penis did was, of course, everyone’s business. Will his long-suffering wife call THAT “old school” as well? Stay tuned… PS: Oh, my GAWD. Is this for serious? Also, stock photo is suddenly gone from logo. Guess the models complained! PPS: Fork. In him. DONE.

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4. Bill Fucking Looman. He’s not hiring till Obama is gone? Man, that Georgia cracker racism thing is a bitch. I sure hope his crane business can stand four more years of nobody working for them…OR hiring them. Because, y’know, their company reviews are in the shitter.

5. Mark Fucking Wach. And speaking of crazy fucking crackers from down south — mang, what is in that water? This one got so drunk off his ass that he shot a lawnmower, fought with his son, and when arrested, said it’s just what redneck people do. Hey, no argument from ME there…

6. Gabriele Fucking Amorth. I’m pretty sure I’ve wank-listed him before. But not for being Pastor Bigot’s yoga-hating (and Harry Potter-slagging) Catholic cult compadre. Don’t make me repost that JFK anecdote from last week, old man! (And hands off Harry! He’s a much better fictional creation than your devil, anyday!)

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7. Paulina Fucking Gretzky. The Great One’s firstborn is all growed up…and, unfortunately for her, she didn’t grow into the brightest light on the Xmas tree. For one thing, she can’t spell “psych”. For another, she doesn’t realize that all those guys out there, fawning (and fapping) over her skanktastic twitpics…are old enough to be her grandfather.

8. Rob Fucking Ford. You know you’re a PR disaster when your press secretary can’t cover your ass anymore, and throws in the towel. In fact, you know you’re a disaster, period.

9. Ann Fucking Coulter. Sorry, Coultergeist, but you don’t get to say “douchebag” — unless you’re making a direct reference to yourself.

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10. Steve Fucking Frye. I’m not sure what kind of egalitarianism he was expecting from a party at the Playboy Mansion, where good-looking women probably only got in free so Hef wouldn’t have to actually PAY them to show up to his sexist shindigs, like he normally would. But I do agree that a thousand bucks is too much to spend for entry to a tawdry brothel full of doggie doo — especially in support of Jenny McCarthy’s quack autism “charity”, which only peddles long-debunked nonsense about vaccines anyway. Good luck with that lawsuit, eh?

11. Jim Fucking Boeheim. You just gotta admire the way Syracuse University’s head basketball coach stands up for his accused-of-child-molesting buddy, Bernie Fine: by calling the accusers liars and saying they only wanted money, and then apologizing by saying he owes his pal “a debt of allegiance”. Interesting choice of words! Still more interesting: saying he has no control over what the accused does in his spare time. Only problem is, many of the alleged abuses took place on school grounds and during games at home and away, which would mean that in fact, this WAS his responsibility after all. So, this is how you stand up for what’s right in the lucrative world of college sports: by putting one foot in your mouth, and then the other.

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12. Joran Fucking Van der Sloot. By now, I think, just about anyone could be forgiven for thinking that his name is Dutch for unmitigated fucking chutzpah. Not only does he think he get away with murder (twice!), he expects to get PAID for it, too.

13. Emma Fucking West. All I can say about this tram-riding troll is that she’s got a brilliant future ahead of her…in the BNP.

14. Stephen Fucking Harper. He’s finally got his so-called majority, and yet he STILL wants to prorogue Parliament? Talk about insecurity. But there’s a remedy for that: Lock him up, fit him with a straitjacket, and throw away the keys to the rubber room.

15. Erik Fucking Prince. The world’s biggest (and deadliest) mercenary contractor apparently also has the world’s thinnest skin (no doubt stretched past the breaking point trying to cover that insanely large ego!), and that’s why he can’t handle the truth. And also why he threatened a US congresswoman for simply telling it like it is.

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16. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Riddle me this: How do you close a US embassy in a country (Iran) that doesn’t have one? I don’t know, and I don’t think she does, either. But damned if she isn’t keen on CLOSING that fucker! Also, she thinks the best way to protect gay people is to do nothing for them. Are we sensing a pattern here? PS: I have the strangest feeling she’s speaking from experience here. Anyone wanna touch this?

17. Kim Fucking Kardashian. The dude who didn’t know he was only playing her husband on TV is filing for an annulment on the grounds of fraud, and given the highly sniffy circumstances surrounding their “marriage”, I’d say he stands a very good chance of getting it.

18. Samir Zia Fucking Chowhan. Uh oh, somebody doesn’t grasp the no-brainer concept that sex with your secretary/paralegal (as a job requirement, no less!) is unethical and unprofessional conduct. As is asking for pictures and body measurements with the résumé. But hey! He also advertised that no experience was required, and that on-the-job training would be provided. Yeah, I’ll just bet!

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19. Kimberly Fucking Crain. Who, seriously, trims an Xmas tree in a bra and panties with “Ho Ho Ho” written on the rear? Not little third-grade girls, and certainly not for the benefit of their teacher’s camera (and that of a mysterious “Uncle” on Skype!).

20. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Why is this corporate welfare bum even still in the running? Oh yeah: He disses the poor kids and calls them lazy, thus running interference for his corporate cronies. Gotta keep Wifey #3 in Tiffany’s bling, eh?

21. Peter Fucking MacKay. Remember how I called him an entitled little brat several moons ago over his use of taxpayer money and search-and-rescue choppers to fly him in and out of fishing holes? Well, his entitled brattiness has just come back to bite him. Of course, this week, his wank is that he’s not resigning over the several prior wanks. Because he’s just entitled that way, y’know.

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22. Michel Fucking Taubmann. And, while we’re on the subject of entitled: Someone please clue this clueless Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn biographer/apologist in to the fact that women are not in the habit of giving come-hither looks to old men’s dicks. Especially not old men with a long-established habit of shoving their dicks into everything that doesn’t get out of the way fast enough.

23. Edward Jay Fucking Epstein. This one too, please…and kindly add a side order of Occam’s Razor.

24. Bikram Fucking Choudhury. You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to list this materialistic creeper for claiming he owns the very concept of Yoga, people. You have no fucking idea.

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25. Martin Fucking Weiss. A talent agent who molests his child clients (often over the course of several years) is undoubtedly a criminal. The same person, though, when using the “s/he WANTED it” excuse…is a delusional fucking wanker. In case it hasn’t been said about a kazillion times yet: EVEN IN THE HIGHLY UNLIKELY EVENT THAT THE KID COMES ON TO YOU, YOU ARE STILL LEGALLY AND MORALLY OBLIGATED TO KEEP YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF!

26. and 27. Salman Fucking Rushdie and Devorah Fucking Rose. I can’t decide which is more pathetic: the relentlessly vapid fame-groupie (whom I never heard of until now), or the famous acclaimed author who, despite being a famous, acclaimed author (and old enough to be her father, not that it counts in terms of dignity or anything), still spells “hot” with three Ts, like a twelve-year-old typing one-handed. They engaged in a brain-melting round of middle-school note-passing via Facebook, and now all the Internets know the whole story, thanks to her braggadocio and his threatening to sue. She’s a fuckwit, and he’s disingenuous about the age gap (which also pertains to just about all his prior relationships, in case you haven’t noticed). But which is the bigger joke: the bimbette, or the bimbetter? I’m still trying to make up my mind. Gentle readers, what say you?

PS: Ha, ha:

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28. The Fucking Majlis al-Ifta al-Aala. Yes, the entire council. Someone kindly inform these medieval Saudi relics that in the modern world, women often learn to drive as young as 16, and don’t automatically cease to be virgins as soon as they learn to stick a key in the ignition all by themselves. If virginity hasn’t ceased to exist out here due to women driving (alone OR accompanied), what makes these clerical clowns think it’s going to cease to exist in Arabia? O ye of little faith!

29. The Fucking Government of Afghanistan. I really can’t top this comment from a real, live Muslim woman on the whole sorry shit marry-your-rapist-and-save-your-honor thing, so just clicky the linky and enjoy, ‘kay?

30. Vicky Fucking Hartzler. If Christianity is the “main religion” of the United States, why doesn’t SHE practise it by showing some love and tolerance for fellow human beings? Too “fringe” for her, I guess. Or maybe she’s threatened by the fact that Wicca and other pagan religions are growing faster than her own brand of Christ-killing?

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And finally, to the Fucking Harper Government™. Your handling, or rather MIShandling, of the Attawapiskat crisis tells me that in spite of all the pro-gun rhetoric you spouted on the hustings to appease the racist right-wing bullies in the boonies, you really don’t give a flying rat’s ass about the people of the North. At least, not the ones who were here before all the ignorant old white stump-jumpers you’re so fond of tossing red meat to. If you really cared, you’d stop prattling racist nonsense about money, and start shutting the fuck up and LISTENING for a change. While Tony Fucking Clement was doling out the pork for million-dollar gazebos and other unnecessary shit in Muskoka, the people of Attawapiskat were being slowly starved and neglected. This crisis didn’t just happen overnight; it’s been brewing for the five years that your so-called government has been in power, proroguing and warmongering and repressing the citizenry — in short, doing everything BUT governing. We don’t have to go to Somalia to see the Third World; it’s right there in our own backyard. The people of Attawapiskat might as well be living in tepees for all the housing help they’re getting. As someone who was born in Northern Ontario, I’m cringing with shame that this was allowed — yes, ALLOWED — to happen. Especially by a government that preaches such a big game about fiscal responsibility, but can’t even begin to exercise it themselves. You have nothing to say to Attawapiskat. Your credibility is in the toilet, and that is where your so-called majority government also belongs. Because damn, you fucking STINK. And I can’t wait to see you all get the Royal Flush.

Good night, and get fucked!

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1 Response to Wankers of the Week: First Badvent edition

  1. Reginald says:

    On toppa forma as usual Sabina – an amusing article. I was glad to hear about Duke being locked up!

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