Wankers of the Week: Second Badvent edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, it’s that time again…Saturday night’s all right for fighting, and for exposing the blight on our world. There sure is a lot of it this week. And tonight it is, in no particular order:

1. Doug Fucking Ford. Maybe he and bully brother Robbo need to look at WHY they’re routinely on the receiving end of so much media ridicule, instead of attacking the messenger so relentlessly. I mean, tying Toronto public schools to Ultimate Fighting, of all things, isn’t exactly the way to mold young minds, is it now? Actually, it’s a better way of making sure they all end up dying of dementia pugilistica, like their loutish heroes. And srsly: Closing women’s shelters? What “gravy train” is THAT supposed to derail? It’s not like these women are riding around in Cadillacs. Although I’m sure the Brothers Frod would like us to believe they are.

2. Lee Fucking Douglas. O Christ-Killer of Little Faith, touch not Johnny Depp. For lo, he hath done nothing that Jesus himself would have disapproved of. In fact, as the Son of Man, it was his JOB to associate with the sort of “low” people you only see fit to spit upon. Remove, therefore, the plank from thine own eye and shut the fuck up about the teensy-weensy mote in Johnny’s. Yea, verily.

3. Rick Fucking Santorum. Ass-Sploodge Ricky has done it again, intimating that children born with disabilities are essentially abandoned by “socialized” single-payer medicine. Children like his own daughter, for instance, who is unlikely to live to the age of ten due to a rare chromosomal disorder. We in countries that have socialized medicine wonder what the holy fuck he’s talking about, since nothing like that happens here. Meanwhile, the Big Insurance industry he fronts for is well known for denying care to children like her, whose “pre-existing condition” is the whole reason they need coverage in the first place. PS: Oh, BROTHER. PPS: Oh, BROTHER, times two. PPPS: Teeheehee.

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4. Michelle Fucking Bachmann. Who the hell applauds this asinine woman while she spouts all her ridiculous religious bullshit? Whoever those people clapping in the background are, they are bigger asses than she is…and that’s pretty damn big. Good on the girl who challenged her for calling her out. But it begs the question: If a 16-year-old is that smart, why are all those people her parents’ age and older so goddamn fucking stupid? PS: And while we’re at it, let’s just savor the irony of someone who’s been on the public tit for the majority of her “working” life (note the quotes), along with her spouse, “thinking” that the OWS people are the freeloaders. PPS: Teeheehee.

5. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Why does it not surprise me that the fascist sheriff who persecutes brown people and makes prisoners wear pink panties is actually shitty at dealing with sex crimes?

6. Peter Fucking Van Loan. The only thing worse than a dirty trickster…is a dirty shyster, defending dirty trickery. But then again, what else is the essence of conservatism, if not constant, unrelenting, organized dirtiness?

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7. Melvin Fucking Thompson. If you’re not racist, why did you specifically write up a church resolution barring interracial couples? And if the others who supported the resolution aren’t racist either, why the hell did it ever pass? Well, it’s all over now, thanks to a global firestorm of criticism, all of it to the effect of “Holy shit, that’s RACIST!”

8. Janice Fucking Daniels. But hey, at least Kentucky doesn’t have a monopoly on dumb-ass bigots. Case in point.

9. David Fucking Sheldon. Fake teenage cousin who texts crazy shit is fake. Fake teenage cousin crazy shit text faker is BUSTED!

10. and 11. Eric Fucking Bolling and Dan Fucking Gainor. Was it a slow news day? Must have been. Why else get all Red Scared of the Muppets? And why else get down on your knees and suck the oil industry’s toxic sludge pipes? And above all: Why so fucking stupid about puppets instilling pro-environmental, communitarian values in kids? What are the poor little tots supposed to do, read Atlas Soiled His Loincloth? That would leave them all profoundly incapable of dealing with reality. Like, oh, say, the FUX Snoozers, who could be poster children for what happens when you starve the public education system of funding.

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12. Jesse Fucking Dimmick. Well, the “dim” half of his surname certainly applies. If he thinks he can get money out of the people he kidnapped and held hostage, on the basis of a “binding oral contract” (!), then I’ve got some rocks I need him to extract blood from!

13. Donald Fucking Trump. Newty’s not the only one who believes in child labor. Looks like Da Donald is hiding slavish ambitions under his ugly orangey comb-over!

14. Armando Fucking Romero. What do you bet that this language-mangling self-styled pick-up artist (and would-be seminar instructor in the not-so-fine art of chick-magnetry) will be totally devoid of feminine companionship by the time he is forced to cancel his next seminar? PS: Well, that didn’t take long. Ladies dumping him like a turd in 3…2…1…

15. Barbara Fucking Kay. No, Babs, the Montréal Massacre was NOT an “isolated incident”. Nor was it merely the “act of a deranged loner”. Did you never read Marc Fucking Lépine’s suicide note? He made it abundantly clear that this was a POLITICAL MURDER. Even used the term casus belli. That’s a straight-up declaration of war against women! And the fact that he has followers and admirers to this day for his despicable act of terrorism is simply horrifying. But you know what’s even worse? Crappy, complacent hacks like you, who claim that people who actually care about equality and justice for all are using Lépine’s political murder to “open a new front in the hate campaign against men”. You could use your voice to do some good, instead of just attacking imaginary evils (and promoting astroturf groups no one but you has ever heard of), but oh nooooooo. You just had to go peddling your lazy-minded crapaganda at any cost. And on a day when women across the country could only ever feel it as a contemptuous slap in their faces. Fuck you, Babs. And fuck the complacency you rode in on.

PS: Check out her other bons mots, in case you think the linked article isn’t representative of her contemptible bullshit on the whole:

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Yeah, that’s right: She hates Québec, she hates French, she hates Natives, she hates feminism, AND she hates popular democracy. If there is anything she actually likes, I shudder to contemplate what it could be.

PPS: Her domestic violence stats are bullshit, too. But we already knew that.

16. Sarah Fucking Palin. She’s the grift that keeps on giving. And apparently, so are her “legal defense” contributions.

17. Candice Fucking Hoeppner. “Solemn day”, my ASS. The best way to remember the victims of a massacre is to make sure that it can never be repeated. And what are YOU doing? The opposite. So yeah, Candy, fuck YOU, too.

18. Aida Fucking Hillen. What would Jesus do? Well, for one, I’m sure he wouldn’t run someone over with his car, ask the victim if he were okay, and then, upon receiving “no” for an answer, proceed to lob religious pamphlets out the window at him.

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19. Sebastián Fucking Piñera. What is the difference between the current president of Chile and a vile pigoon? Sorry, this one doesn’t have a punchline. Because it isn’t a joke. Just like the crappy, rapey whopper Piñochetera told his stunned audience at a recent meeting in Mexico. Oh yeah, which reminds me of another: What’s the difference between the current president of Chile and a gentleman? Night and day, motherfucker. Night and fucking day.

20. Enrique Fucking Peña Nieto. Apparently the US isn’t the only country with a long-standing tradition of culturally ignorant politicos who “write” books; Mexico has them, too. And on that note, please pray for Mexico — and more specifically, that this wanker won’t be elected. He is clearly their answer to Sarah Fucking Palin.

21. The Fucking Venezuelan Opposition. I’m just gonna list them en masse, because there isn’t a decent one in the bunch. It doesn’t matter who they “elect” in their sham primary, because all of them are fascists, putschists, crooks, imbeciles, buffoons, and generally unelectable old-guard payasos de mierda. Their total support comes to less than 40%. And no wonder: They are a walking embarrassment to their country. You’ll find all their names on the list of those who signed the infamous Carmona Decree during the coup of ’02, which will tell you all you need to know about them. It will also explain why some of them are talking about treating more than 60% of Venezuelan voters as though they were war criminals, along with the well-loved president none of these fucking wankers can ever hope to replace. (At least, not democratically.)

22. Jim Fucking Hillyer. Learn to apologize for REAL, Airgun Asshole. And stop babbling empty rhetoric about how much you care about stopping violence against women. Otherwise, I’ve got a little gesture for you, courtesy of Johnny Cash:

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And no, I’m NOT going to apologize for posting that. You fucking deserve it.

23. Peter Fucking MacKay. Last week, he was refusing to resign over his blatant misuse of public property (i.e. SAR helicopters being used to ferry him to and from “remote” fishing holes). This week, he’s threatening to sue his critics for bringing that up. Yeah, sure, Petey…you and what army? Hahahahahaha.

24. Neil Fucking Jednoralski. Crazy birther is effin’ crazy. The long-form certificate (from Hawaii) was released many moons ago, and he still thinks His Barackness is from Kenya? And he wants to stage a lynching — er, “citizen’s arrest”? With guns? Racist birther is effin’ racist. BTW, your last name sounds pretty foreign too. Where you from again?

25. William E. Fucking Robinson. Dude, the traditional way to shoot mistletoe down from a tree is NOT with a hunting rifle. It’s with a bow and arrow. You know, like Cupid. Or if you REALLY want to get traditional, do what the Druids did, and climb the tree with a golden sickle and just cut it, already.

26. Charles Fucking McVety. Y’know, everytime I hear him talk, my gaydar starts going woop woop woop. Not that there’s anything WRONG with that, mind you. But it IS kind of funny when you consider that Chuckles is really heavily into bullying away Teh Ghey. PS: Anyone out there besides me really, REALLY want to set him up on a date with Marcus Fucking Bachmann?

27. The Fucking South Fulton Fire Department. Who’s John Galt? I don’t know, but I think he works for them. They’ve gone and let another house burn down…ON PRINCIPLE. The principle being that if you don’t pay your local Objectivist mafia protection racket, bad things will happen to you.

28. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Shouldn’t you start having fancy expectations when you can actually start living up to your own damn hype, Newty? PS: Racist hate for the Palestinians won’t make you any more credible with the Jews, either.

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Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

PPS: Teeheehee.

29. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Once again, Bully Oh-Really demonstrates that he can dish it out in spades, but he can’t take even a teensy, eensy, weensy bit of it. “It” being a speck of spotlight and a bit of mild ambush questioning. And worse: He tries to get someone arrested whom HE HIMSELF HIT. With an umbrella. Did you get that on tape? Ha, ha — excellent.

30. Barack Fucking Obama. Yes, that’s right. His Barackness is also listed this week, for his absolutely ridonkulous Plan B gaffe. As the father of two daughters, the elder of whom is going through puberty right now, he of all people should realize that the morning-after pill is unlikely to be abused by teens…and very likely to save their lives and family relations. But no, he just HAD to cave to the anti-contraception lobby on this one. Yeah, that’s a pretty damn major wank, wouldn’t you say? One that covers fully half the population of the United States. It could hardly get any bigger than that.

31. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Srsly, dude, who the hell do you think you’re kidding? Contrary to what you’ve heard, the Arabs aren’t fucking stupid.

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32. Natalie Fucking Johnson. With a surname like that, you really shouldn’t be taking issue with what a transgendered teen is packing in her pants. It’s none of your damn business. And since you harassed her, you have no right to cry victimhood for being fired, either. Nowhere in the bible does it say that thou shalt harass people whom thou dost not understand.

33. Miguel Angel Fucking Torres. It’s not rape, it’s “surprise sex”! Oh fuck, where have I heard that one before? Still ain’t funny after this many tellings, mofo.

34. Dorothy Fucking Sandusky. Sorry, Dottie, but benefit of the doubt no longer applies when there’s a screaming kid in your basement. OR when you have to write a letter specifically denying the existence of said screaming kid.

35. Penn Fucking State. Really — retaining Lanny Fucking Davis as your legal counsel? Friend to repressors, dictators and putschists everywhere? Yeah, that’ll totally rehabilitate your reputation as enablers of child abuse.

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36. Courtney Fucking Stodden. Fergawdsakes, girl…wash your face, put on some clothes, lose the stripper stilts, and for the love of all that’s holy, stop writing creepy shit on the tweeter. YOU might not feel cold and embarrassed, but everybody else does!

37. Christie Fucking Blatchford. Who needs a patriarchy when you have Crusty Christie, the Mother of all Assholes, as arbiter of what is and isn’t an acceptable form of masculinity? And of course, she hates seeing little boys hugging and showing kindness, interest in the arts, etc. To her, that’s SO gay! Um, Christie…you say that like there’s something wrong with being gay. There isn’t. And boys hugging isn’t necessarily gay, either. But thanks so much for hanging your odious homophobia out for all the world to see. And for trying to make out, in true wimp fashion, like you’re not pro-violence, patriarchal and homophobic, just “balanced” and “reasonable”. Newsflash: YOU ARE NOT.

PS: Awww. Does someone need a hug? Careful, folks, she might bite you.

38. Glenn Fucking Beck. Newt Fucking Gingrich, a “stealth progressive”? Only in the festering fever swamp that is Biff’s soggy brain, folks.

39. Peter Fucking Kent. There he goes again, embarrassing us on the world stage. I’m starting to sense a pattern here, how ’bout you?

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And finally, to Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Or whoever at Fuckedbook is responsible for these ridiculous changes to the messaging system. Thanks to you, I have more than 100 notes, several weeks’ worth, to sift through and answer, or not, and apologize to the friends who sent them, because I didn’t even know they were there. And this during the busiest time of year. Couldn’t you have warned us that you had arbitrarily decided to divvy up our mailboxes into “Messages” and “Other”? And WTF is “Other”, anyway? What are the criteria for this so-called Otherness? Jesus H. Christ, just when I thought FaceBUGS couldn’t get any fucking worse, it up and did. Thanks a lot, Fuckerberg.

Good night, and get fucked!

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3 Responses to Wankers of the Week: Second Badvent edition

  1. Beijing York says:

    Stellar list again!

  2. the philisten says:

    LMAO !!!!! you rock!!!!!!!!

  3. Snarla says:

    I kind of like the FBI costume advertisement just because it actually shows a girl dressed as an FBI agent. You don’t see that kind of gender equality very often in ads for kids’ toys.

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