Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, it’s that time again, the Most Wonderful Time of the Week…the time we shit-list all the worthiest and most deserving shits who crossed our radars this week. And, in no particular order, they are…
1. Margaret Fucking Wente. If, as she claims, the poor are doing so much better than we think (just because they’re no longer dying of starvation here, and some of them even manage to have cellphones? Whoopdeefuckingdoo!), then I’d like to see this overpaid idiot get down off her flag-bedecked fainting couch, unclutch her pearls — in fact, just lose them already, literally — give up her cushy sinecure at the Grope and Flail, stop defending obscene wealth gaps as somehow acceptable, and actually try living as an honest-to-God poor person. On welfare. In a cockroach-ridden dump that eats up more than half the pittance you still have to work long, demeaning, underpaid hours for. Or better still, just go live in Attawapiskat, Maggie. Live by your wits, such as they are. And be sure to report back on how YOU feel after a month of cold, mold, and oh yeah, BEING BLAMED FOR YOUR OWN POVERTY.
2. David Fucking Warren. According to this other overpaid idiot (who writes his pompous ‘winger drivel for the Ottawa Citizen), LGBT kids aren’t the real victims of bullying…the poor, oppwessed Cwistians who can no longer freely express/institutionalize their homophobia and sexual repression are! Maybe he should get together with Christie Fucking Blatchford, who made this list last week for her sly, veiled digs at “fey” (nudge nudge, wink wink) guys who hug, cry, and express themselves with something other than violence (either straight-up or kinkily, creepily sexualized). They both seem pretty lonely to me, the poor dears. They could enjoy a nice night out watching the Brothers Frod get homophobically homoerotic with Hulk Fucking Hogan, or something; might help them both to unclench their butts for a change. PS: Ha, ha.
3. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Yo, Newty? Unemployment insurance doesn’t mean it’s YOU paying people not to work for an absurd length of time. They paid for it themselves, out of their own taxes, WHILE WORKING. A concept YOU apparently can’t be bothered with, any more than the concept that child labor is SLAVERY, or that supreme court rulings are legally binding. PS: Yeah, sure, Newty, we believe you. PPS: Ha, ha.
4. John Fucking McLaughlin. Why is anyone still listening to this grumpy old has-been, anyway — especially when his style now consists sadly of trying to out-FUX FUX Snooze on public TV? Frankly, I think most US citizens, if properly informed (and that’s a big if, nowadays), would agree that it would be great if Barack Obama sounded like Hugo Chávez…a democratically elected, socialist leader who fights poverty without killing poor folks, does what the people tell him to do, and doesn’t mistake corporations for people, because he’s not in anyone’s pocket. Why you say Chavecito’s name like it’s a bad thing is beyond me; he’s a way better president than any of yours, Roosevelt(s) included.
5. Thomas Fucking Hymer. Learn the definition of satire, you fucking teabag. Calling someone a skunk because he’s “half black, half white, and stinks” is NOT “politically incorrect satire”, it is a racist insult. (And that goes double for you, Chuck Fucking Sankey. Ever consider that if something doesn’t “smell right”, maybe it’s YOU?)
6. Bill Fucking Johnson. Quite aside from the weird hypocrisy of a blatantly homophobic lawmaker secretly (and selfishly) donating his sperm to lesbian couples trying to conceive, there is the lingering, distasteful question: WHO IN HER RIGHT MIND WOULD WANT THAT NASTY SPLOODGE ANYWHERE NEAR HER VAGINA???
8. The Fucking NYPD. “Heartless” just about sums it up.
9. Stephen Fucking Harper. Stop pretending to like hockey when you can’t even skate because it would mess up your carefully shellacked hair. Stop pretending to like Tim Horton’s when everyone knows you don’t drink anything but dirty oil. And stop pretending to care about the military when you can’t be bothered not to put them in harm’s fucking way, you hypocritical, un-Canadian bastard.
10. Malcolm Fucking Harris. How very clever of you, pretending that Radiohead was going to play an Occupy Wall Street event! You really had a few people going for all of a minute there, with your pretentious little stunt that most of us never even heard about (nor would we have given a single ounce of fuck). So what was your fucking point? Was this all just the obscure lit-zine equivalent of a middle school prank? Smells like it. (Also, an awful lot like canned-fart spray in a lonely elevator.)
11. Paul Fucking Derengowski. Y’know, if you live by faith, rather than by sight, you’re bound to keep bumping into the furniture. Or viewpoints that don’t match your own. But why so hypersensitive about it? Does constantly stubbing your toe on other people’s beliefs really hurt THAT much?
12. Ricky Fucking Line. Don’t believe in evolution? That’s fine. But if that’s how you feel, then you really need to get out of the schoolin’ business.
13. Mitt Fucking Romney. Mittens is keeping up his wank-a-week habit, that’s for sure. And it doesn’t get any more wankish than berating a couple of married, gay military veterans about the wrongness of their relationship. Whatever happened to supporting the troops?
14. The Fucking Fratboys of Sigma Phi Epsilon, UVM chapter. I’m sure the whole world is just dying to know who you all would rape if you could. And I’m sure it’s also ready and willing to bash your collective heads in, the moment it catches you doing just that. But hey! Thanks for reminding me, yet again, why I picked universities that don’t allow frats. PS: Ha, ha.
15. Trent Fucking Arsenault. Maybe he and #6 should get together and start a sperm bank…and recruit donors OTHER than themselves, for a change.
16. Scott Fucking Baio. Such a humorless asshole that he actually SHOULD die of diaper rash, for realz.
17. Jamie Fucking Hein. A “white only” swimming pool isn’t actually public. But a sign reading as such IS actually racist.
18. Peter Fucking Kent. Demanding an “abject” apology from Justin Trudeau, who only stated fact when he called you a piece of shit? Thanks for proving him right, dude. PS: And Justin? If you MUST apologize, please do so…to turds, for comparing them to him. That’s just nasty.
19. Courtney Fucking Stodden. Creepy grandpa fetish just got creepier. Self-promoting stupidity just got stupider. Sickening look-at-me-ness just got…well, you get the picture. There is just so much wrong with this one, and the more she tries to convince us all that she’s “rill”, the worse it seems to get.
Yes, that’s one of Courtney’s “rill” bons mots. Try to keep your retching down to a dull roar, you in the Peanut Gallery!
20. Joe Fucking Amendola. Speaking of creepy, stupid and sickening, this one just keeps getting worse, too. But that gay-phone-sex-line thing is destined to become a classic Internet meme in 5…4…3…2…
PS: And please give a warm welcome to Karl Fucking Rominger, who just joined the Fucking Sandusky Defence Team, and who has, shall we say, strange ideas about how to teach underage boys that cleanliness is next to godliness.
21. The Fucking Duggars. Clearly nothing is sacred anymore, unless by “sacred” you mean “exploitable for commercial and propagandistic purposes”. This isn’t about grieving the loss of a half-gestated child; it’s about the hideous insanity of the Quiverfull “movement” — and, of course, the Fucking Duggars, who just can’t bear to get out of the goddamn sanctimonious spotlight for an instant, even when that is the most dignified (and restful) way to deal with a miscarriage.
22. Henry Fucking Greene. Funny how it’s always “he says, she says” when it comes to rape and legal inaction thereupon, eh? And as per usual, she says he raped her, and he says to “let God be the judge”. Well, Henry, Her Honor has spoken, and She says this is a matter best left to human tribunals. Where She hopes to see your ass, and SOON.
23. Mark Fucking Meckler. Another dumb fucking paranoiac teabag who thinks laws are for OTHER people, but the US constitution was written by and for HIS people. Watch him try to weasel his way out of weapons charges by claiming the Second Amendment gives him the right to travel on airplanes with a handgun in his checked luggage, and that state laws and permits are therefore null and void. Given that it was written in an age of muskets and flintlocks, and the fastest way to travel was by clipper ship, what do YOU think it guarantees him?
24. Adam Fucking Hall. If you’re gonna go around calling your ex-girlfriend a slut, shouldn’t you at least learn to spell it correctly before you key-scratch it all over her car? Or is this a case of “Dyslexics of the World, UNTIE!”? Either way, it’s a wank for the stalkerish vandalism. Just GET OVER HER, already.
25. Rick Fucking Perry. Well, well, well, well, WELL. Looks like Crotch IS hiding a number of nasty little pink skeletons in his closet! This comes as no surprise to me, but it might shock those who were discomfited by his tight jeans back in the day. He wasn’t actually packing much; well-endowed guys don’t usually have to advertise. (Or stuff their pants with socks.) And yeah, surprise, Guvnor Goodhair likes him some gay guys. This all might not be such a big deal if he weren’t busy denying it in all the usual horrid ways, like marrying a poor unsuspecting woman so he can hide behind her skirts, or whipping out the guns and whooping like a macho idiot. But since he still thinks he has a shot at the White House, even with all that, maybe it’s just time to break down that closet door (Christ, where’s Geraldo Rivera when you need him?) and let those poor skeletons OUT, already.
26. Marcus Fucking Bachmann. He’s only being so bitchy about Michelle Obama because he’ll never get to be a FLOTUS himself. Much less such a statuesque and beautiful one.
27. John Fucking Nienstedt. Is anyone besides me amused that a man who prances around in purple gowns for a living, and who isn’t allowed to marry, is leading an entire state in homophobic “marriage prayers”? Mary, Mary, how very contrary!
28. Joe Fucking Arpaio. How much longer before the World’s Worst Fucking Sheriff EVER is removed forcibly from office by the feds? Even if it were done today, it couldn’t come soon enough. His racist thugs just killed a Latino and LIED about it. And we all know who’s behind those orders, don’t we?
29. Greg Fucking Davis. Funny how it’s always the homophobic right-wing “family values” wankers who get caught with their pants down…or, in this case, buying sex toys at a VERY gay-friendly shop-o-fun. This in addition to charging the taxpayers of Mississippi $170,000 for food and booze. Eat, drink and be Mary, eh?
And finally, to one who will go forever unmourned, at least in this little corner of the Internets. Yes, folks, Christopher Fucking Hitchens has finally gone to wherever it is that booze-addled, sold-out, disingenuous, ex-Trotskyite neo-con wankers who arrogantly declare antitheist jihads go when they shuffle off their mortal coils. He’s been wank-listed here plenty of times, and it was with pleasure unalloyed that I laughed every time I saw somebody, be it Juan Cole, George Galloway, or some random Arab, kick the plentiful self-righteous shit out of him. So this week, it is with no particular sadness that I hereby retire his number, and state for the record that my opinion of him has not budged an inch, even though you’re technically not supposed to speak ill of the dead. (What, not even Adolf Fucking Hitler? Please.) His would-be hagiographers, however, will be pilloried mercilessly in this space, as will his dumber detractors. A pox on both their houses, say I. He was neither a great intellect nor the Great Satan Incarnate. He was simply a toad even Cthulhu wouldn’t want to lick*.
I do, however, thank him for a couple of things. One, for proving to the world that it’s not just simplistic fundamentalist believers who cheerlead for imperialist wars; sometimes, simplistic fundamentalist unbelievers do, too. Which kind of knocks his own vaunted antitheism down a peg (or several). And two, that a plummy accent and a formal education do not a great thinker, or writer, make. Hitchens was a hack, plain and simple. At times he was the stopped clock that told proper time precisely two seconds out of every day, such as when he was waterboarded and finally had to admit that yes indeed, that DID constitute torture. And frankly, George Orwell would be shocked to learn that this neo-cretin was a self-professed admirer of his, since he apparently forgot what Orwell himself wrote about political speech, and couldn’t see it in his own:
“Political language — and with variations this is true of all political parties, from Conservatives to Anarchists — is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.”
Good night forever, Hitch, you windy old war-mongering sot…and get fucked!
*Apologies to any toads I have offended with that odious comparison.