Wankers of the Week: Year-End Yahoos

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Crappy weekend everyone! It’s New Year’s Eve, but even so, the wanks just keep on coming. Guess some people just gotta see the old year out with a bang…and a crash…and an unceremonious thud…and a whimper, plus some cheese to go with that drunken whine. And true to form, these people did. So here they come, in no particular order:

1. Liam O’Fucking Grady. Size of ego inversely proportional to that of penis? Check. Who else would screw around with a 13-year-old girl (and she’s just the tip of the iceberg!) for eight months, and send her nearly 5,000 sexts…at the age of 30? AND have the unmitigated gall to tell her that his wife is “jealous” of this sexual abuse, and the relationship is “only illegal if the law knew…or your mum”? Um, that’s an admission right there that you’re breaking the law, dude. And hurting your wife badly. Not to mention fucking the poor kid up for life. Yeah, I bet her mother’s livid. What mother wouldn’t be, knowing that her barely-teenaged daughter was being groomed and raped by a man more than twice her age? And just to cap it off: He’s got two kids of his own. EPIC FAIL.

2. Newt Fucking Gingrich. A filthy, lying toadstool about everything, including his two divorces? Why, I never would have guessed! But while he may have been the one to initiate divorce proceedings, and put them through a whole lotta hardship, his exes are actually both better off without him. Who wants to be miserably married to a filthy, lying toadstool, after all? Especially one who thinks you’re “not young and pretty enough” to play first lady to his laughable presidential ambitions? PS: Speaking of laughable, ha ha.

3. Margaret Fucking Wente. Where the fuck is her editor??? Her trouble with facts and figures just never ceases to amaze…and neither does her capacity for pulling bogus conclusions out of her capacious ass. Her motives for doing so, of course, are clear: She’s scared shitless of the Muslims and desperately wants to believe that Christians are a global majority, or will be someday. The fact that they’re not, and won’t be, is too scary for her to face…as is the fact that it won’t actually matter anyway, since wherever Muslims have settled among them, they’ve shown themselves uncannily able to just go along and get along. It’s particularly true in Germany, where Turkish Muslim immigrants often find themselves celebrating Christmas (minus church) along with the locals. I’d sure like to see Mags explain THAT one, except that I know she can’t.

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4. Geert Fucking Wilders. Need any more evidence that this fascist fuck is also a corporatist stooge? You got it. His criticisms of Queen Beatrix run to her being too “green” and “multi-culti”! This in the face of a lot of popular opinion in Holland that her holiday message of environmental care and tolerance is just what’s needed. As opposed to his own message, which year in and year out is one-note racism. It’s kind of hard to imagine his fascist party getting as far as it has without corporate money and a lot of slick promotion, nee?

5. David Fucking Cameron. If you needed any more evidence that the British PM is a serious, hardcore wanker, look no further: He banned Larry, the 10 Downing Street cat, from the “newly refurbished” residence. The cuddly brown tabby-and-white kitty was originally brought in as a mouser. And now he’s not fancy enough for the not-so-honorable Mr. Toffybottom. Meanwhile, the mice will play. And, one hopes, they will make mouse-eaten mincemeat of all the expensively refurbished furbishings.

6. Donald Fucking Trump. Hallelujah, just when I thought this week’s list was gonna be a teensy bit thin, Da Donald up and obliges me with a tasty soundbite! And what a doozer it is, too: He seriously thinks black and Latino people can relate to a racist old purportedly rich white dude with horrible orangey hair! And not only that, he thinks that is gonna translate into VOTES! Guess he forgets the color of those whom he evicted from that big chunk of now-tony New York real estate, back in the day, to build all those towers and plazas and shit just so he’d have something to stick his name on. Awwwww. Isn’t that just so adorable?

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7. Victoria Fucking Jackson. Yeah, I’m totally sure the FBI would fill her, of all people, in on the top-seekwit Muslim Brotherhood plan to take over the USA. And I bet they did it standing on their heads while reciting crappy poems, too.

8. Rick Fucking Santorum. Y’know, Ricky, your “stick it to the Man” message might have had more resonance if it weren’t blatantly cribbed from the Black Panthers. And if you weren’t wearing a silly-ass sweater vest while uttering it. And if you were not yourself the living embodiment of the Man whom the Panthers were originally out to stick it to. PS: Oh HELL no! PPS: And this is why we can’t trust him to deal with poverty. He gets everything bass-ackwards on purpose. Any questions?

9. Christopher Fucking Smith. He might just be the Charles Manson of child-sex abusers, because he tried to get not one, but two women to “prove their love” for him…by sexually assaulting a seven-year-old girl. And one of them did. Nevertheless, I’m listing HIM, not her, here…because she would not have done it if he hadn’t insisted upon it.

10. Eric Fucking Dondero. Seriously, dude, when Ron Fucking Paul is in a hole, you won’t get him out by digging. (And we don’t want him out, anyway. He can stay right down there with his buddies from white-supremacist wankerdom. And the homophobic genocide league, too.)

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PS: Pathetic. Just PATHETIC.

11. Mark Fucking Madden. Amateurish right-wing radio sports host is amateurish. And lousy at not-properly-apologizing, too. Hiding behind a stage persona is just plain fucking cowardly, as is crouching behind your late mother’s skirts while defending the fact that you were lobbing gender-specific insults at women. Not A woman — ALL women. In other words: Amateurish sexist, swinish, stupid, and utterly fucking worthless to society. I think that about covers it, don’t you?

12. Michele Fucking Bachmann. I’m sure the gays just love you, too, dear. I mean, didn’t you marry one? PS: If anyone wonders why I want tighter gun controls, including a total ban on assault rifles, guess who just made the perfect case for that. PPS: Oh dear, shed a tear.

13. Rick Fucking Perry. Another one I’m sure they love; this one for his classy hypocrisy of trying to keep his clandestine liaisons from seeing his face. And yeah, how about that pro-rape/incest antichoicerism? Bet the ladies are just all over him for that! But best of all, I think all that hairspray is starting to eat his brain, because he thinks Solyndra is a country.

14. The Fucking Duggars. In case anyone doubts the crapaganda value of Michelle’s miscarriage, here you go. Enjoy the barf-inducing video!

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15. Carlos Fucking Talavera Leal. However you say wanker in Mexican, he’s one. A racist one. Who stinks.

16. Shlomo Fucking Fuchs. Where does he think he is, the Jim Crow South? No, it’s Israel on the eve of 2012. You know, Israel? Liberal democracy, according to Bibi Fucking Netanyahu, who wouldn’t be in power there right now if he weren’t such a shameless panderer to the ultra-orthodox kingmaker minority? Yeah, that Israel. Which is looking more and more like an apartheid state-slash-dystopia out of The Handmaid’s Tale all the time.

17. Kelly Fucking Clarkson. More proof, in case anyone needed it, that nothing good ever came from American Idol. Also that only an airhead would endorse Ron Fucking Paul at this rate.

18. James Fucking Hetfield. Tossing rocks at a pesky photographer in Uruguay? Not classy. Metallica already has the reputation for being something of a dickweed band, and this is not exactly going to any great lengths to dispel that unwelcome image. Besides, the word “No” is the same in both English and Spanish, so it’s not as if he had a language barrier to overcome.

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19. The Fucking BBC. Are there really not enough famous women in the world to fill their Women of the Year list? Or were the boobs at the Beeb trying to make some kind of obtuse statement about how female pandas are more noteworthy than female humans?

20. and 21. Frankie and Kayla Fucking Almuina. Yep, a his ‘n’ hers double-wank for these young married folks, who didn’t get the message last week that duct-taping your kid and photographing (and Facebooking) the terrified result wasn’t fucking funny. Like I said last week, the law takes this shit seriously. And so does the kid.

22. Scott Fucking Wilson. A TSA wanker, literally. I guess we should be thankful he was in charge of screening cargo, not body scanners, since he was busted for downloading kiddie porn. But still.

23. Patrick Fucking Lott. Yay, another fucking Repug sex pervert who likes videotaping naked boys in the shower, unbeknownst to them! Anyone keeping count of how many this makes?

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24. Mitt Fucking Romney. Lame criticism of Obama’s annual homecoming to Hawaii is lame. Hawaiians are US citizens too, remember? PS: Nice kid you got there, too, Mittens. A Birther still, at this late hour — how charming!

25. Lawrence O’Fucking Neill. Gee, do you think Hizzoner is in the pocket of Big Bidness in any way? Or are you still one of those sheeple who are convinced that clean air and fewer greenhouse gas emissions somehow constitute an infringement on your so-called freedoms?

26. Mark Fucking Hurd. For those of you still on the fence as to whether high-tech CEOs can really be douchebags: Yes, they can. They can be wannabe cheaters. They can be totally into quid pro quo sexual harassment. And they can apparently buy into all the lame, simplistic shit the pickup-artist websites are peddling, too.

27. Kevin Fucking Gausepohl. Yeah, I’ll just bet that nudity and sex acts alter a person’s vocal range. Funny, though, how he only picked on young female voice students, and while his wife was ill, too. The “sick wife” excuse for molesting a teenager is perhaps the lowest note of all.

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And finally, to all those tacky fucking wankers who just had to tweet to the world that they didn’t get the car, or the iPhone, or whatever other expensive crap you bugged your parents for. Or you DID get it, but it just wasn’t enough! Now you hate them just because they didn’t spoil you even more fucking rotten than you already are (and that’s PLENTY). Could you little ingrates possibly suck any fucking harder? If I got half the loot any single one of you guys did, I’d be in clover! But then again, my parents raised me right. Yours, I can see now, are facing a lifetime of disappointment in their widdle angels. Coal in the stocking is entirely too damn good for YOU. You deserve shit, people. S-H-I-T. Buried under a load of fake snow, so you won’t know it till you step in it.

Good night, and get fucked!

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