Stupid Sex Tricks: Because stupid hat tricks are so passé

Hockey normally gets very short shrift here, unless I’m wank-listing Don Fucking Cherry for his latest rockum-sockum case of Teh Stoopid. But this time, the tacky thing at the rink wasn’t him or his suit, it was what someone else tossed onto the ice:

Yes, that is a dildo. And this is its tale of whoa:

According to Gerard Yee on Twitter, somebody at the Montreal Canadiens’ 7-3 home victory over the Winnipeg Jets (a) brought a dildo to the game and (b) was compelled to throw it on the ice after Lars Eller tallied his third of four goals on the night. Huh, usually you see those things when you have trouble scoring …

Fans were confused at first, mistaking something red, stiff, immobile and deep in the zone for Hal Gill.

Soon after, Brian Gionta was then seen frantically fleeing the ice, screaming something about a sandworm from “Dune” attacking him. (Yes, that was a height joke. Moving on…)

Whether or not it was a sex toy doesn’t really matter. They never said “Play It Again, Sam” in “Casablanca” either. Lars Eller is now irreversibly linked to a red pleasure pole landing on the ice during his 5-point night, as he no doubt found out when the hats and other items collected from his trick were presented to him after the game.

Congratulations, Lars. May it enjoy a long and happy life in your trophy case.

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