Crappy weekend, everyone! And there goes another one into the drink, just like those poor souls on that ship with the dipshit captain. If you feel like your world is being piloted by fucking incompetents and self-centred bastards on just such a level, pat yourself on the back…it is. And here come this week’s winners (pronounced wieners), in no particular order…
1. Mitt Fucking Romney. Yep, Mittens was in fine form this week…if by “fine form” you mean insensitive, ignorant, asinine and arrogant. And those were just his good bits. And his past came back to bite him, too, as an old video clip resurfaced. How can anyone be so cold and cruel to a guy with muscular dystrophy who can’t get around anymore without his wheelchair? Well, I guess it helps if you’ve been fortified by a major hate-on for marijuana. Or if, like Mittens, you’re just so damned absorbed in getting yours that you don’t give a damn about anyone else’s. PS: Ha, ha, ha…BULLSHIT.
2. Bob Fucking Marshall. Well, isn’t it refreshing to hear a “pro-lifer” come out with what he really “thinks” of children — namely, that they’re God’s punishment to women for being slutty jezebels, and all that cal? And isn’t it refreshing, too, to hear just how stupid these old men are about disabilities, and how kids born with defects are just God’s way of saying fuck-you to slutty jezebels who’ve had abortions? FYI, Bob, an aunt of mine in Germany had an abortion in the second trimester of her second pregnancy, to PREVENT giving birth to a child with severe disabilities. She had developed rubella in her first trimester, back in the Good Old Days when there was no vaccine against it. And did she EVER have to jump through hoops to get that operation! She had never had an abortion previously, so how her chance case of “German measles” could have been a judgment from God for an abortion is beyond me. But hey, I bet Bob could explain it really fucking well, eh?
3. Don Fucking Ainsworthy. Wasn’t it thoughtful of him to throw those Occupy protesters off his bus, simply because he hates what they stand for? Maybe he’ll learn to understand their points better when his job goes bye-bye.
4. Karen Fucking Santorum. Yes, for once, it’s Icky Ricky Ass-Sploodge’s missus getting listed. When you go homophobic (and slanderous!), this is what you get here, lady. And no, you can’t oppose same-sex marriage without homophobia, so quit pretending “he really loves them”.
5. Colin Fucking Heaton. Need further proof that the teabags are all fucking insane, and racist against Mexicans? Look no further than this one, who thinks they should all be enslaved to build a border fence with built-in gas chambers. Yeah, I can’t envisage THAT going anything but well…
6. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Isn’t it obvious why he’s obsessed with Teh Ghey Sex? He’s not getting ANY, so of course he’s eating his heart out. And that’s why he’s so willing to glom onto stupidities about lesbians, too. (Well, that, and he’s not getting to watch. Makes him grumpy, y’know.)
7. Frank Fucking Henley. Unbelievably, this Mountie seems to have been in some kind of cahoots with the infamous Robert Fucking Pickton. There’s a reason women in Canada have come to mistrust the RCMP, and it lives in Vancouver. If you can’t trust the cops to make sure even the saddest crack-addicted hooker on the Downtown Eastside doesn’t get picked off by a serial killer who’ll feed her to his pigs, you can’t trust them for anything.
8. Jamie Fucking Johnson. File this one under Shit Santorum’s People Say. And also Shit Bible-Thumping Sexist Fuckheads Say. People, there is a reason Michele Fucking Bachmann doesn’t deserve to be elected president, and it’s not what she’s got under her skirt. It’s all that crazy biblical shit in her head, same as it is in yours! Crazy biblical shit makes people incompetent to lead, and gender’s got nothing to do with that.
9. Tim Fucking Scott. And speaking of crazy biblical shit making people incompetent to lead: Christians a “minority under assault”? In the US? WHERE??? Everyplace I look, it’s them doing the assaulting!
10. Patrick Fucking Wooden. And even more crazy biblical shit! I sense a theme developing here. In this case, the shit being that gay men all wear diapers because their penchant for anal sex has left them incontinent. I have yet to meet a single one, even a prostituted one, for whom that is the case. And how about all those straight people also doing anal on a regular basis? Do THEY all waddle around in adult diapers, too? Or is that just a David Fucking Vitter thing? (Oops, wait…he has a baby-man fetish. Never mind!)
11. Ron Fucking Paul. Not only are his racist newsletters of the past not an anomaly, they’re not even a thing of the past. And now we know what libertarianism is really all about: “Individual rights”…for whites only. And a dirty, separate fountain for everyone else, as usual.
12. Joe Fucking Nocera. I wonder how much BP is paying him to lie his ass off for them in the NY Whore Times. Those “sparkling” beaches are still covered with the sheen of spilled oil, mark you my words.
13. Peter Fucking MacKay. Dude’s brain is still obviously in honeymoon mode. A spy scandal won’t hurt Canada’s reputation? Well, of course not…Canada has a reputation as a “playground for spies”, as one expert puts it, so of course there’s nothing to hurt there.
14. Stephen Fucking Harper. Meanwhile, Petey’s boss is scared of Iran and its phantom menace. It’s doing nuclear research! Oh noesies! Never mind that the nuclear program is actually just for electrical power generation, and maybe medical isotopes, and that Iran is co-operating with the UN. Or that one of its leading scientists was recently murdered by the Mossad. No, we’re supposed to shit our pants in unison, on the orders of our so-called government, over the fear of nonexistent nukes! For such a big-talkin’ tough guy, Harpo sure is a fucking wimp.
15. Chris Fucking Dodd. Ever since this once-progressive former senator went over to the Dark Side (otherwise known as the Private Sector), he’s been a total d-bag. Since when is a temporary blackout of Internet sites a “dangerous gimmick”? Oh, only since it put the Dark Side at the risk of having its shitty legislative attempts to own the world…DENIED.
16. Francesco Fucking Schettino. Whatever possessed him to run his cruise ship aground off the coast of Italy? I’m still scratching my head over that one. But as to his cowardly claim (among other lame excuses) that he “just fell” into a lifeboat, coincidentally ahead of just about everyone else on the vessel? That’s a no-brainer; it’s a load of pure merda. Incidentally, he’s got a new nickname: Captain Crunch.
17. Rich Fucking Lowry. If you thought Captain Crunch was a wanker, wait’ll you get what this silly turdnugget has to say about the cruise ship crash. Let’s just say that he doesn’t know fuck-all about the Titanic, which was definitely a classist catastrophe, in that not only upper-class women and children, but rich men also got dibs on what few lifeboats there were (and which were often launched only half-full, at that). Those in “steerage” went down with the ship, for the most part, but the captain did not, and was pilloried for it in the press. If you’re gonna wax on about how chivalry is dead, shouldn’t you admit that it actually died long before the Titanic was launched, if it ever lived at all, and quit fucking blaming feminism? (PS: Lowry is also full of shit on other details. The last song the band played before the Titanic went down wasn’t “Nearer, My God, to Thee”. It was an Anglican hymn called “Autumn”. Anyone know how to hum a few bars?) PS: Rich has brain-dead company in the Great North too, alas.
18. Ward Fucking Connerly. Well, well, well, well, WELL. Can anyone who’s followed his career trajectory honestly say they’re surprised to learn that this leading campaigner against affirmative action has, in fact, been FOR it all along…at least where lining his own pockets is concerned? And is there anything more reprehensible than a man who hijacks the civil-rights discourse to the benefit of racists, denying his own people their fair shot at everything, while grabbing up all the goodies for himself? Somewhere, Dr. King is shaking his head.
19. Lamar Fucking Smith. Booby prize of the week goes to this hypocritical Tex-ass, who’s so busy promoting his own so-called anti-piracy stance that he couldn’t be bothered to notice or care that his own personal website is in violation of the very law he’s trying so hard to ram through.
PS: Ha, ha!
20. Peter Fucking Palumbo. It’s shameful when an elected official needs a civics lesson as badly as this one does. And the lesson for today, kiddies, is that prayer has no place in public schools. Do it in church, do it at home, do it in a closet if you must, but don’t expect to ram it down the throats of those who don’t share your beliefs…unless you’re ready for a fight that will make you look like a sanctimonious fucking jackass.
21. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Cheating on your wife for six whole fucking years, and then asking for an “open marriage” before you divorce her outright for the woman you’ve been schtupping behind her back, is a sign of GOOD character? Only if you’re a fucking Pigman with even more skeletons in his closet than Newt Fucking Gingrich. Because things like that are bound to mess with your perceptions of right and wrong, y’know.
22. Newt Fucking Gingrich, people. Newt Fucking Gingrich.
PS: They sure loves them some hypocrites in South Fucking Carolina. Newty Lying McCheatypants just won the primaries there.
23. Dana Fucking Milbank. Fighting against a hardcore right-wing assault on choice is NOT “hysteria”. But thanks for framing it as such, you lazy sexist wanker. And if you really think the anti-choice crowd has “legitimate concerns” about abortion, either name them or shut the fuck up. (I’m guessing the reason he didn’t name any is because there really aren’t any…that aren’t thoroughly grounded in Religious Reich horsepucky.)
24. Vic Fucking Toews. Get the fire extinguisher, somebody’s pants are smoking…again.
25. Alykhan Fucking Velshi. He’s gone from shilling for the ultra-polluting “Ethical Oil” astroturf group…to an environmental working group in Toronto that boasts Jack Layton as a founding member? I smell a mole in here.
26. Andrew Fucking Adler. I fail to see how assassinating the president of the United States could halt Iran’s nuclear program. But I’m sure he’s thought this through ever so well. And the shutdown of his own right-wing rag likewise, I’m sure.
27. The Fucking Harper Government™. It is clearly a government by, of and for the Hardcore Stupid. How else to explain their habit of trotting out Tony Fucking Clement to play a shell game for the public? And how easily fooled do those bastards think we are, anyway? Forget the pricking of the thumbs. All we have to do is look at that shit-eating smirk on Phony Tony’s face to know that something imbecilic this way comes.
28. Mark Fucking Wahlberg. I have no doubt that the former Marky Mark was scheduled to fly on one of the planes that later smacked into the Twin Towers. But I do have my doubts (and very grave ones) that he would have clobbered the boxcutter-wielders and landed the plane safely. Unless, of course, he was armed with his magic Dirk Diggler Dong of Death.
29. Penny Fucking Starr. Why do I get the feeling that she, along with everyone else in the Religious Reich who wastes a lot of time and energy bashing gays, is actually a secret fan of guy-on-guy porn? Not that there’s anything wrong with that — but really, shouldn’t she come clean about it?
30. Rick Fucking Santorum. If his daughter got raped, he’d “discourage” her from getting an abortion because it would ruin her life? The abortion, not the rape? Talk about your unfit fathers. And your fucked-up priorities.
And finally, to all those who actually supported (and/or still support) that abomination that was SOPA/PIPA. Jesus H. Christ, you people do NOT know the Internets. I hope it hurt when they all leapt up to bite you.
Good night, and get fucked!