Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how’re we liking that ol’ robocall/crank-call scandal of our Dear Leader and his SupposiTory Harper Government™? If this ain’t the gift that’ll keep on giving to us progressives, I don’t know what is. But I’m gonna be keeping my pitchfork handy just in case, because if these clowns don’t leave on their own, someone’s gonna have to ride ’em out on a rail; they are nothing if not persistent. And here they come, in no particular order, along with other equally wanky wankers to round out this week’s list:
1. Matt Fucking Meier. Two free Facebook tips for ya, pal: (1) Guyliner + goatee = douchebaggery, and (2) flaunting cheques from the Harper Government™ for robocalling services rendered will only leave your enemies with an armload of smoking guns. Which can and will be used as evidence against you and your Harper Government™ cronies. PS: When in a hole, dig it deeper by claiming victimhood while going on the frivolous lawsuit offensive. That ought to get you out in no time!
2. Peter Fucking MacKay. He really, REALLY wants us to believe that those robocalls were just A Few Isolated Incidents. And if you DO believe him, I’ve got some lovely oceanfront property that I’ll sell you for a song. In Saskatchewan. Petey, it’s time to STFU about bad apples, and start examining the extent of the dry rot in your barrel.
3. Stephen Fucking Harper. Well, of COURSE Harpo is against by-elections for the ridings he and his CONtempt Party so shamelessly stole with their robocall fraud. Because that would make everything the Harper Government™ has done to date null and fucking VOID, duh! So it stands to reason that he’s gonna try to pretend that this was just the doing of some “rogue” who just happened to have access to a phone bank and a blank cheque from the Harper Government™. And that all those blatantly scripted calls were just some random fluke. Yeah, that’ll wash. Like TAR AND FEATHERS.
PS: No, yelling will NOT make this storm blow over. Unless by “blow over”, you mean morph into a fucking F-5 tornado. PPS: Smear THIS, asshole. Since when do parties disenfranchise their own voters? PPPS: And you can wipe that stupid smirk off your face any time now, Stevie. We’re coming for you.
4. Mike Fucking Duffy. Puffy’s not a journalist, and hasn’t been for several years now. At most, he’s just another cranky, crusty old right-wing talking head (and a rather rotund one, at that). And now we can say he’s also a kooky conspiracy theorist and a HarperCONtempt Party apologist of the first order. Blaming “third parties” for what NO party but the CONS did? Get a fucking life, old man.
5. and 6. Rick and Karen Fucking Santorum. He claims to be nauseated by JFK’s brilliant defence of the separation of church and state; she uses their terminally ill child to nauseatingly tout the Big Insurance party line. It’s getting harder and harder not to see both of these sickening hacks as being in kind of a Faustian threesome with That Dude from the Burny Place. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: And why does this not surprise me?
7. Mitt Fucking Romney. No, I don’t think you’ll truly connect with NASCAR redneck voters by talking about your friends who own NASCAR teams. This is just as stupid as that “couple of Cadillacs” gaffe from last week.
8. Marcel Fucking Guarnizo. He claims that he denied communion to a lesbian at a funeral (for the woman’s own mother!) because she’s “living in sin” with her partner. Actually, it sounds more like the old closet case is just envious. And really, the whole problem could be simply remedied by the church doing just two things: Recognizing same-sex marriage rights, and abolishing the clerical closet — er, CELIBACY.
9. Sam Fucking Brownback. Yet another example of how all these old poop male politicians are totally out of touch with women, and especially those of reproductive age. Oh sure, just get another job if your employer’s insurance won’t cover your birth control! Easily said by one who’s never worked an honest day in his life, eh?
10. David Fucking Barrett. Why the hell is a judge allowed to carry a pistol into the courtroom, let alone brandish it in front of an assault victim? Oh yeah, it’s Georgia, where fuckheadery abounds. Silly me!
11. Ron Fucking Paul. Please, please, PLEASE stop pretending you care about individual rights and liberties. When you’re financed by scoundrels who make their fortunes off the suppression of those same, and who have a raging hate-on for democracy itself, you forfeit any right to be taken seriously any longer, let alone to prate about freedom as if you knew what the hell it was.
13. Vic Fucking Toews. Still whining like a titty-baby this week. That makes it the third frickin’ week in a row that we get to see just how thin-skinned, self-obsessed and humorless he really is. Fortunately, he’s got Liberal scion-cum-heartthrob Justin Trudeau to school him.
14. Michael Fucking Sona. Y’know, dude, it’s kind of hard for you to protest your innocence and call for the “guilty party” to come forward, when I distinctly recall wank-listing you here last year, around election time, for attempting to directly disenfranchise student voters at the University of Guelph. Not to mention that you tried to steal a fucking ballot box. The UGuelph student advance poll, BTW, was completely legal. What you were doing there was not. And now you expect us to believe you had NO part in the electoral fraud that took place in Guelph? Dude, you’re dreaming. BTW, how does life look from the underside of that bus?
15. Art Fucking Jones. Well, at least he’s honest about having been a neo-Nazi. That’s pretty rare for a Repug. Looks like he still IS one, too. But he’s not being quite so honest about that.
16. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. So, a law student who makes the case for insurance-covered birth control is a “slut”, a “whore”, and a “round-heeled” woman? Well, of course, the Pigman would know, being a connoisseur of sorts. He couldn’t ever get an UNpaid, self-respecting woman into his bed, even if she were stinking drunk!
PS: Oh, SNAP! Here, Sandra, let me hold your coat for you, so you can hit him harder. PPS: Oh, EW. But can we really say we’re surprised that he would want to see that? (And did you hear a fapping noise too, on that audio?) PPPS: Let’s not forget El Rushbo’s stag trip to the DR, six years ago. It does have some bearing on his views, wouldn’t you say? PPPPS: Gee, Rush, it’s a funny thing, but — I DON’T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU!
17. L. Fucking Ian MacDonald. Yeah, dirty tricks are just part of the “fun” of politics. Who cares if real, live people get their real-people lives ruined as a result of dirty politicians fucking them over? Certainly not the National Pest’s grumpy old gasbag, who has only to pick up his regular (and grossly inflated) paycheque at his sinecure every other week. But of course, nothing the Harper Government™ does is ever going to affect HIM. It’s all good, eh? That’s what they’re paying him to say, so it must be so.
18. Patricia Fucking Heaton. Suddenly, Everybody Hates Her, and given that she’s joined the Pigman in the leagues of right-wing slut-shaming bitchery, it’s not hard to see why. Anyway, she’s a fine one to talk about sluttiness; I doubt very much that it was TALENT that won her the role that made her, unfortunately, famous. She is so NOT fucking funny. And it’s past time that she faded back into obscurity, where she belongs.
19. Peggy Fucking Noonan. Since when is support for reproductive rights “extreme”? Oh, only since NEVER, because that would make an overwhelming majority of humankind (including Piggy’s kind, Catholics) into extremists. But ol’ Ronnie Ray-Gun’s chief crapaganda writer has to stay relevant, or at least get her name in the news, SOMEHOW. And her awful facelift won’t pay for itself, so of course, she has to stick her oar in wherever it’s not wanted, and end up gawping like a fish on the rocks.
20. Brad Fucking Trost. I almost wrote “Trollst”, and I’m sure that was not a total coincidence. He IS a troll. And the reason he’s trotting out all this fresh bullshit about an abortion debate is to distract us all from the Robocrank scandal, and keep Harpo’s pathetically small base frothing like santorum over a battle they are NEVER going to win. Trollst is a red-herring-dragger. Any questions?
21. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Did you know teachers are giving kids Teh Ghey? Neither did I. But apparently Newty, whose first wife was a teacher (and his own high school teacher, at that), thinks so. I think we can take all that in the spirit in which it was intended, eh?
22. Pierre Fucking Poilievre. Along with Dean Fucking Del Mastro and Stephen Fucking Harper, he’s gone above and beyond the call of duty this week, distinguishing himself as nothing but a fucking wanker. And a liar extraordinaire. Now, the big question remains: Is HE the “Pierre Poutine” who registered that infamous “burner” cellphone from which the RackNine robocalls were placed?
23. Toby Fucking Harnden. I’m sorry, Mr. Brit Twit, but your obit on Andrew Fucking Breitbart was a wank from start to finish. The man had zero class. As for the Chicken Noodle Network, it dodged a bullet there. The last thing they needed was one more fucking wingnut to cement their irrelevance for all time.
24. Richard Fucking Cebull. Anyone besides me not in the least surprised that this racist judge, who apparently thinks interracial marriage is on a par with bestiality, was appointed by Dubya? Might explain some rather piss-poor judgment there, mightn’t it?
26. Rob Fucking Anders. Dude, if you are in fact narcoleptic (as opposed to drunk or drugged on the job), then come clean about your medical condition and get help for it. But whatever the case may be, do NOT go falling asleep on people who’ve taken precious time out of their own lives to present a case to you, and then, when they get upset over your falling asleep on them, call them “NDP hacks”. That shit won’t fly, narcolepsy be damned.
27. Kirk Fucking Cameron. Dude, stop. You can’t pray away the gay, any more than you can pray your old TV audience back. Pack it in and face reality.
And finally, to all the fucked-up people who think Barack Obama is in any way, shape or form responsible for the death of the late, unlamented Andrew Fucking Breitbart. I know he was mentally unstable (you could see it in his very prematurely aged face; he had the eyes of a deranged fanatic), but damn — is that shit catching? If it is, I hope you all pop off soon, too, before that disease has a chance to spread any fucking further. Last thing this world needs is an epidemic of galloping brain-rot.
And no, I do not for one instant believe your boy had any incriminating pictures or video of Obama in college, doing anything scandalous. If indeed he did, and it wasn’t fabricated like all but ONE of his outrages turned out to be, then line up, because I bet that if any of YOU have a college education (ha!!!), I doubt your record is any cleaner. Just because a drunken lunatic rants that he’s hearing messages from outer space on his dental fillings doesn’t mean that he’s actually in touch with Alpha Centauri.
Goodnight, and get fucked!