Wankers of the Week: Stupor Tuesday and women’s blights

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Crappy weekend, everyone! So, how are you liking all that Repugnicanism south of our borders? Exciting, eh? Yeah, what a horse race it’s proving to be. Pity whoever has to clean up what the ponies left behind. And this week there’s an awful lot of it, from them and various others, in no particular order:

1. Ron Fucking Paul. He opposes federal disaster relief for tornado victims. On principle, of course. And what principle might that be, you ask? The oh-so-Libertarian principle of leaving people free to go into massive debt enslavement AND pay extortionate insurance rates (assuming they can even get coverage) for the rest of their lives if they want to rebuild their shattered homes and businesses. What else?

2. Mitt Fucking Romney. Shame on you, Mittens, for telling your partisan lies to innocent, impressionable 11-year-olds. Is blatant bullshit a Mormon family value, or is it just one that you adopted on the fly for your own opportunistic purposes? BTW, putting “crippling sanctions” on Iran would have done nothing to dislodge either Ahmadinejad or the mullahs who back him. Nor would it have done anything to the Iranian nuclear industry. The only ones to suffer would have been ordinary Iranians, who have ample cause to hate and distrust the US as it stands. PS: Great advice for college students, too. I’m sure no one ever thought of that! PPS: And of course, Mrs. Mittens doesn’t think she’s really rich, either. You can’t make this shit up, folks.

3. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Oh joy, the Birthers are ba-ack. And the World’s Worst Sheriff is now conducting bogus probes on their behalf. I wonder how much taxpayer money was wasted on this piece of shit.

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4. William Bryan Fucking Jennings. How’s that for a name straight out of the Confederacy? And in case you think it’s any malign coincidence, check out the racism on the big dunderhead. And most charmingly of all, he works for Morgan Fucking Stanley. Yes, that’s right: He’s a one-percenter. And he stabbed a cabbie over a $204 cab fare (from Manhattan to Darien, Connecticut). Now he’s got several times that amount to pay in fines. How’s that rich-white-guy privilege hanging now, eh?

5. Ann Fucking Coulter. Well, now we know who’s got the creeping brain rot. It’s the Coultergeist. She’s suffering some pretty massive delusions there. Not least among them, that there is ANY point of comparison whatsofuckingever between the late unlamented Andrew Fucking Breitbart and John Lennon, ferchrissakes.

6. Mary Fucking Franson. Hey, I have a great idea: Let’s stop feeding all the wingnuts from the public purse! Throw ’em out of office and let ’em fend for themselves, like they’re always saying we should do with the welfare cases. Plow that money back into the social safety net. Ultimately, it will be a good investment. Unlike paying the salaries of beastly fucking idiotesses like this one.

7. Michelle Fucking Bachmann. No, of course she’s not judgmental. Just really fucking out-in-the-open with all her many bigotries and prejudices, that’s all! PS: For someone who talks so much about traditional homespun values, she’s extraordinarily slow in getting back to her own. She’s still out there doing the wingnut talk-show circuit, as if she were still a candidate for something. Is she really so afraid to go home and face what she knows she’s gonna find in Marcus’s closet? Because dang, if anything could make a woman bolt down her entire stash of crazy-pills in one go, that would be it.

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8. Pat Fucking Robertson. Tornadoes happen more in the Bible Belt than they do anywhere else in the entire fucking world. Does Patwa seriously think people don’t pray enough there? Because that’s where practically all his pious, deluded viewership comes from. Meanwhile, I note in passing that the gay capitals of both US coasts seldom get the hurricanes he thinks are God’s judgment on homo-sex-you-alls, and fewer hurricanes and tornadoes still hit Canada, where abortion and gay marriage are both fully legal and religious fundies are very much in the minority. I can only gather that God must really like gay people…and people who aren’t constantly bugging Her to kill all the queers. PS: PLEASE, Cthulhu, call him home NOW.

9. Rick Fucking Santorum. Y’know, for once, RickyLeaks got something somewhat correct. He says that “higher-income people don’t have to pay taxes if they don’t want to.” Yes, exactly. And therein lies the problem. They should, and they can well afford to, and trust me, they will NEVER miss the money. They are dumb as bricks and have literally no clue as to what to do with it all. But because they can afford better lawyers and accountants, they often get taxpayer dollars shoveled in their general direction, instead of kicking them back in and contributing to society like they should! PS: Icky Ricky should be kicked in the butt for breeding. Also for wearing that criminally ugly sweater-vest. PPS: I’m sure this promise is the easiest he’s ever made, as he will never become president. This robocall being just one of many reasons why.

10. Geir Fucking Haarde. Yeah, sure, pal. Iceland believes you. That’s why they kicked your ass out of office in 2008 when you crashed their economy, too, as I recall. Now they’re talking to us about adopting our loonie. I’m sure that’s something that would never have happened if you hadn’t fucked up the krona so massively.

11. Piers Fucking Morgan. When you defend Kirk Fucking Cameron’s right to be a ginormungous sack-o-douche (and in such fawning terms, too!), you make an even bigger one of yourself.

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12. Robert Fucking Bland. The CEO of Life Quotes, Inc., seems like a terribly testy person. Also one with way too much time on his hands, if he has time to e-mail personally back to anyone urging him to boycott the Pigman with reams of snarky, snotty, condescending and partisan bluster. (Yes, he sounds VERY Repugnican.) I think a boycott of his shitty website is in order whether they actually sponsor the Pigman as a result of his “slut” rant now, or not. Because attitude is everything, and you’re never too old to learn that, even if you do give your age away with long-outdated terms like “coed”. Eh, Mr. Bland?

13. Steve Fucking Tilley. No, I don’t think the people of Missouri WANT to see the Pigman’s jelly-doughnut face enshrined in bronze anywhere, much less in the statehouse. Right now, they’re all trying to live down the fact that he came from there, and they’re probably trying to reassure the rest of the world that all Missourians are NOT like that.

14. Karen Fucking Handel. No, she hasn’t gone away yet. Hasn’t quit lying yet, either. Is she just begging for a class-action lawsuit to be filed against her? Sure smells that way.

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15. Pamela Fucking Geller. Next fauxtrage-a-holic to pop off after Andrew Fucking Breitbart? Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. Round and round and round she spins, with feet of clay and wings of tin…

16. Allen Fucking Stanford. Guilty! Guilty!! Guilty!!! That is all.

17. Margaret Fucking Wente. Here’s another fine exemplar of a standard WenteWank: Start out by uttering something halfway sensible, based on a fairly reasonable premise. Then, quickly reverse gears and deride said reasonable premise in the snottiest, most dismissive and out-of-touch elitist manner possible. Finish with a smug flourish, and retire to fainting couch, pearls firmly clutched. Drape self in flag; fan self with wad of dollar bills. Blather, rinse, repeat. This formula works great on everything, up to and including the brazen theft of Canadian democracy itself. Psssh, who cares about the disenfranchisement of the Canadian voter? Get real, Maggie’s an imported gringa sifrina who knows what’s good for us ever so much better than WE do. PS: Ha, ha.

18. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. No, the Pigman’s “slut” and “whore” bluster of last week was NOT just another poorly chosen bit of phraseology; it’s characteristic of his entire outlook on womankind. How else to explain the fact that he considers a BA — the lowest-level university degree — to be “overeducated”, but only if it’s earned by a female? And let’s not forget his favorite F-word, feminazi. Which he slaps on any woman who dares to express something, anything, that distinguishes her from a doormat. Really, he just wants us to be nice obedient little decorative vaginas, with no opinions or achievements of our own. Which is entirely to be expected of a man who flunked out of college, and whose poor bloated ego just hasn’t been the same since. He’s got to feel superior to someone, and if the uppity wimmin (and niggruhs like Donovan McNabb) don’t learn their place, why, who knows what might happen to him? People, please — THINK OF THE PIGMAN!!!

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19. Sarah Fucking Palin. See, SHE knows her place. And it’s right behind the waddling rear end of #18 with a broom and dustpan, natch. This is what a true right-wing “feminist” does, kiddies — she bravely stands up for sexist pigshit everywhere, as long as it comes from a fellow rightard! PS: And she’s playing the ol’ rusty trombone for Newty, too. Well, she is nothing if not consistent. Consistently noisome, that is. PPS: And why would a BLACK president want to drag the country back to the age of slavery? Even for the meth-queen of Alaska, that’s a pretty jawdropping bit of stupidity there.

20. Hamid Fucking Karzai. If feminists on this side of the world are all collectively facepalming, headdesking, and groaning at the collective misogyny of OUR politicians, just imagine what they must be doing in Afghanistan. That’s where Unocal’s man in the ‘stan has just compromised away even more of their already fragile rights in an effort to appease the most reactionary clerics and shore up his own flimsy support. Remind me again of how our armed forces went there to supposedly import democracy and save the ladies from the horrors of the burqa, eh? BTW, they’re still there, killing and dying all over the place. To shore up support for HIM. Facepalm, headdesk, groan.

21. Randall Fucking Terry. Yo, Randy? Just because there are a few voters in Oklahoma who don’t have the sense that God gave a cornstalk, doesn’t mean you have a snowball’s chance of becoming the next president of anything. You are not only a dim bulb when it comes to abortion, but to basic math as well. And frankly, you’re an embarrassment to Oklahoma.

22. Michelle Fucking Malkin. Oh look, another right-wing fauxminist is piping up to whine about how the big, bad lefty-boys (and girls) are slut-shaming her and all the other ‘winger bitches. Hey Ms. Maglalang, it’s not your sex that’s being impugned, it’s your fucking ignorance and your dirty politics. And your well-known propensity for letting your asshole husband ghost-write your shit. Maybe you’d be able to contribute meaningfully to the conversation on women’s rights if you started standing up to the misogynists on your own side, first.

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23. Maurice Fucking Vellacott. Oopsie! Looks like one of the most detestable anti-choice SupposiTories has just torpedoed his own future within the party by blurting out just how much dirty trickery the HarpoCONs are willing to resort to in order to gain a fraudulent “majority”. Schadenfreude, coming right down.

24. Bill Fucking Maher. Fuck no, we don’t want to accept the Pigman’s fauxpology. And we don’t need telling from a man who once schtupped the fucking Coultergeist, fergawdsakes.

25. Joe Fucking Oliver. “Sore losers”, is it? Big words coming from a SupposiTory who, like many others, had to cheat in order to “win”! And yeah, adding all those bogus Tory voters is hard work, all right. He’s not lying about THAT. It takes a lot of doing to dig them up, and then bury them again and pretend you won fair and square.

26. Joe Fucking Biden. Guess who just ensured that the gringo drug problem would go on ad infinitum? Yep, the vice president of Gringolandia himself. This is why you cannot have nice things, gringos…you waste all your money, energy and resources fighting wars you can never win, in which you keep shooting yourselves in the feet. Just think, if you quit it, you could actually have public schools that turned out educated citizens, public hospitals that worked, and fire departments that you don’t have to pay out of pocket to keep from letting your houses burn down!

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(And this is why Central America can’t have nice things, either.)

27. Kirsten Fucking Powers. She’s a liberal? She’s a feminist? Ha, and ha. She’s a FUX Snooze operative, a Jenny Come Lately who would never have discovered female oppression if she hadn’t gotten pregnant (and learned just how badly US women are getting shafted on maternity leave, thanks to conservative policies). And she’s a halfwit if she thinks that Bill Fucking Maher is by any stretch of the imagination a “liberal”. The man is a flibbertigibbertarian, and he is, as such, a defender of the “say anything” climate of casual sexism that enables the Pigmen of the world. Someone please remind her that the reason that there’s such a climate of sexism that even liberal men toss out the occasional sexist insult without thinking is because CONSERVATIVE MEN CREATED THAT HOSTILE FUCKING CLIMATE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

28. Terry Fucking England. Women are not livestock, you imbecilic inbred yokel. And your experiences with farm animals have clearly not taught you a goddamned thing about us. So where do you get off telling women we should be breeding like animals? Fuck off back to your farm, and shut the hell up about women, you idiotic fucking bastard. Your kind isn’t the “salt of the earth”, it’s the meadow muffins the rest of us are forever trying to wipe off our boots!

29. Glenn Fucking Grothman. So, all the unwanted pregnancies are women’s fault? But their choosing to give birth anyway is ALSO their fault? Look, old man, if you’re going to call single parenthood a form of child abuse, the least you could do is make sure women have all the free birth control (method of their choice, natch) that they need in order to prevent such a terrible, abusive situation from ever happening. And as a backup plan, all the abortions they need, too. As for being “trained to lie”, it’s pretty obvious to me that jowly old moralistic white men are the ones with the longest experience on that front. They all need to be educated to stop that fucking Religious Reich shit.

30. Andrew Fucking Prescott. Could he be the infamous “Pierre Poutine” of the robocall/election fraud scandal that is still not blowing over? Could be. He is certainly acting like he’s got something to hide. Watch this space, kiddies, there could be a lot more interesting poopy in it this time next week!

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And finally, if you’re looking for someone to smack over the most persistently annoying and misleading meme of the week, look no further than Jason Fucking Russell. He’s the brainzzzzz behind Kony 2012 and Invisible Children, the purported charity trying (very lucratively, it seems) to “raise awareness” of a terrorist warlord/child sex slaver/all-around baddie whom I, for one, have already been aware of for over 20 years. You probably have too, if you’ve been paying proper attention. I hope you didn’t bother to watch that self-serving (and hilariously out of date) viral video. I really hope you didn’t repost it on your Facebook, Twitter, etc. And I really, really hope you didn’t send them any money, because you would be supporting a bunch of proselytizing fundies who are not, by any stretch, real good guys. Yes, they’re tight with the same bunch of meddling gringos who’ve been plaguing Uganda with a push for “kill the gays” laws (not to mention the same fucked-up religiosity that spawned Kony’s “army” itself)! This group is like the Komen Foundation of “help Africa” orgs: It’s all about “awareness” in the form of tear-jerking tales and money-making merchandise, with a shockingly small percentage going toward actual, you know, AID. Funniest (or most sinister?) of all, they’re calling for mass protests on April 20. Um, that’s Adolf Hitler’s birthday. WTF? Perhaps they should call it PHONY 2012.

Good night, and get fucked!

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1 Response to Wankers of the Week: Stupor Tuesday and women’s blights

  1. richmx2 says:

    A minor correction. The original William Jennings Bryan would have only been four years old when the American Civil War ended. And, besides, he was from Nebraska (and a unionist family). His namesake’s activities are ironic, given that the original Bryan having been an early populist, something of a hero to the turn of the last century 99 percenters. He ran for president on the Democratic ticket in 1896 on a platform of debt relief for the farmers and improved labor conditions.

    He was unusual as U.S. Secretary of State under Woodrow Wilson, being one of the few pacifists (by religious conviction) to ever hold that job (resigning after the U.S. “intervention” of Veracruz in 1914 resulted in civilian casualties). True, as one f the first “born agains” in U.S. politics he made an ass of himself defending creationism in public schools back in the early 1920s, and held the common racial preconceptions of his time, but overall, not one of the baddies in U.S. history.

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