Crappy weekend, everyone! If I sound a little funny to you right now, it’s because I’m typing this with one hand holding my nose. There are just so many wankers stinking the joint up this week with all the foul-smelling hot air they expel. And here they come, in no particular odor…er, ORDER:
1. Bev Fucking Oda. You know that old saying, “champagne taste on a beer budget”? Well, Bev’s the one with the champagne taste, and we’re the ones stuck with the beer budget as a direct result. And worse, it’s “lite” beer. Meanwhile, Bev’s beverage of choice is $16-a-glass orange juice at the Savoy in London, owned by the Saudi royals. That shit better be dusted with 24-karat gold, is all I can say, because there is no other way to justify THAT expense. And even then…STILL no fucking way. Pay it all back from your own purse, Bev!
2. Rob Fucking Ford. Not to body-snark or anything, Robbo, but if you’re gonna make a gimmicky weight-loss plan part of your PR blitz for how many new ways you can find to fuck up Toronto in your own image, the least you could do is comply with your scheduled weigh-ins. After all, this was your idea. And you wouldn’t want voters to think you can’t keep your promises, right?
PS: Looks like Frod Nation is about to go smashy-smashy. Robbo’s under an ethics probe for conflict of interest! So much for your vaunted conservatism at all levels of gummint, eh SupposiTory corruptocrats? Where’s your transparency and openness NOW?
3. Allen Fucking West. In retrospect, trying to be Tailgunner Joe’s houseboy-in-spirit wasn’t such a hot idea. The NAACP doesn’t think so either. Next, look for the witch-hunter’s butler to call the NAACP a bunch of commies.
4. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Speaking of anti-communist witch-hunts, what the fuck is up with Billo? Has he caught the hysteria, too? Somebody, please, work on a vaccine for this…I don’t want to be standing in the midst of 1950 all over again.
5. Ann Fucking Coulter. Meanwhile, the Coultergeist has decided to put her oar in on the wrong end of the boat as well. Starting with the “knee-grows”, and finishing with the “Democratic KKK”, with a buttload of stupid gun nuttery in between. Last I looked, the Klukers were all voting Republican, and black people didn’t take all that kindly to being called knee-grows. Not to mention that they’re giving the NRA the ol’ side-eye for a very good reason, and that reason is that it’s stuffed to the gills with racists like the Coultergeist, who like to call them knee-grows, niggruhs, and even niggers.
6. and 7. Robert and Branden Fucking Canoles. Speaking of racists who are probably in the NRA, how about this father-son tag-team of trespassing gun nuts? They held an interracial couple of African refugees at gunpoint for trying to take possession of a recently purchased house. Nice, eh? And please spare a few rotten tomatoes for the idiot deputies who initially thought these two redneck vigilantes were doing the right thing, too. Victim-blamers don’t exactly instill trust in law enforcement.
8. Jeremy Fucking Faison. And while we’re on the subject of victim-blamers, how about this fucking teabag? Apparently gay kids who get bullied to death are to blame because their parents didn’t instill “good values” in them. And the bullies? Well, gee shucks, they shouldn’t be treated like murderers, sez Gomer. No word on what kind of piss-poor values THEIR parents instilled. (The elephant in the room, of course, is right-wing religiosity, which makes bullies of everyone who’s had it instilled in them. Especially in Tennessee.)
9. John Fucking Edwards. Yeah, Rielle Hunter sure was a crazy slut. She slept with YOU, didn’t she?
10. Phil Fucking Bryant. Concern troll has misplaced his concerns. Maybe next election, voters will DISplace him? Don’t bank on it, Mississippi haz Teh Terruble Stoopid. They elected this dumbfuck in the first place.
11. Jorge Fucking Victorino-Vazquez. If you must buy yourself a birthday present, make sure it will not land you in jail. That is all.
12. Wade Fucking McCree. Sexting someone not your spouse: Poor judgment. Sexting someone not your spouse while on the judicial bench: Piss-poor judgment. Thinking what you’re doing is really harmless? Turn in your judicial robe. And please do so while fully dressed.
13. Bill D. Fucking Boner. Because when someone with a name like that sexually harasses women, the headlines just write themselves.
14. Stephen Fucking Harper. Almost lost in the shuffle over the abortion non-debate (now put off until June, haha), this prize-winning bit of revisionist history from our not-at-all-honorable PM. Not only did the CCF predecessors of the present-day NDP not fail to support the fight against Hitler, some of them were actually fighting the ORIGINAL fight against fascism, the Spanish Civil War. And what thanks did they get for their brave (and, shockingly, illegal) self-sacrifice when they got home? Constant surveillance from the RCMP and later, CSIS. Just like Tommy Douglas, BTW. And his file is STILL not being made public. Where’s Harpo’s outrage on that one?
Of course. In the can with the crickets, where it’s always been! PS: Nice job offending Latin America, you bitch. Now I’m going to have to get an apology shirt with primer ministro in place of presidente.
15. Paul Fucking Ryan. If you don’t want to be labelled a Randroid, don’t be a fucking Randroid! How difficult is that?
16. Julian Fucking Fantino. Funny how he used the term “mud-slinging” instead of simply saying “categorically false” when an ethics probe turned up offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands bearing his name. Now, why would he do something like that? Oh, maybe because he really DOES have offshore accounts, but doesn’t want to declare them publicly for fear of looking like a tax dodger? And since when is it the RCMP’s job to safeguard a politician’s (not-so-)good name, anyway?
17. Monica Fucking Crowley. Cheap shot at Sandra Fluke is cheap. Also not fucking funny.
18. Stephen Fucking Woodworth. You know you’re a wanker when Jezebel snarks all over your putzy old dog-whistling ass. Ha, ha, ha.
19. Mitt Fucking Romney. Lo! What august wisdom hath the Repugnican Party’s anointed one for us this week? Oh joy, a message of fiscal conservatism: Go into debt!!!
20. Vic Fucking Toews. Oh look, Icky Vic is pretending to care what his constituents think all of a sudden. Let’s all pretend to believe him! No, on second thought, let’s not. I hope your constituents are giving you shit, Vic!
21. Greg Fucking Gutfeld. Claiming women have equal rights because they can shop is like claiming you live in a democracy just because there are ballot boxes lying around. Or something else equally ignorant and shitty which wouldn’t be funny even if a canned laugh track were attached. You wanna see funny?
THIS is funny. No, not the dork with the piss-colored sign. Read the caption, Einstein.
22. Dominic Fucking Dieter. And speaking of not funny, dude, how would you like some OTHER dude, bigger and with more muscles than you, to bend you over a bathroom sink and rape you till you go gay? Not laughing? Well, then, don’t make “jokes” about raping lesbians till they turn straight. That shit not only doesn’t work, it’s not good for shits ‘n’ giggles either.
23. Ted Fucking Nugent. Oh, now he feels insulted? Boo fucking HOO. Should have thought of that before you shot off your big ugly racist mouth, dickhead. PS: Paranoid idiot is paranoid. It’s not the fish and game laws that are “maniac” — it’s YOU, Ted.
24. Pat Fucking Robertson. Okay, time to cart him off to the asylum. Patwa is officially demented if he thinks he saw God creating the Universe.
25. Michael Fucking Wiener. Repugnican sex tourist is…ugh. Repugnant. But appropriately named!
And finally, to “Los Lobos”, the fucking idiot troll who just couldn’t confine himself to topic. Dumbass used a fake e-mail address with an .es suffix to hint that he was in Spain. His IP, however (22.214.171.124), revealed him to be in Missoula, Montana. And his comment revealed him to be so full of shit that even his earwax stinks of sewage. That’s three strikes in one dumb comment. By the power vested in me by myself, I now pronounce you dead meat. You may kiss the ban filter!
But on the off chance that he somehow makes his damn fool way back here, and that he knows any Spanish at all, the above LOLpic is for him. And for anyone else dumb enough to believe the hype about Chavecito’s alleged death, or anything else the anglo whore media may tell you about Venezuela.
Good night, and ¡qué se joden!