Crappy weekend, everyone! And a special Memorial Day weekend shout-out to all my good readers in the US. Ghad, you people have a lot of remembering to do down there in the United States of Amnesia. Fret not, because I remember all too well who wanked this week…and in no particular order, here they come:
1. Charles Fucking Worley. Apparently he thinks that not only are queerfolk incapable of breeding (ha! ha! HA! sez I), they’re also incapable of digging their way out of his dream Final Solution: a Nazi-style concentration camp for the fabulous.
2. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. Gotta hand it to the Dersh, there’s nary a legal issue that he couldn’t plant himself firmly on the wrong side of. In this case, to try the murderer of Trayvon Martin…or rather, NOT to try him. Yes, he actually went there. And this shyster calls himself a liberal?
3. Andy Fucking Gipson. No, gays should NOT be put to death with blood on their heads. But homophobes who claim scriptural justification should be. Especially if their heads are greased with Brylcreem.
4. Conrad Fucking Black. Excuse me, Lord Blah-Blah, but I fail to see what is a “cheap shot” about Thomas Mulcair just telling it like it is. You renounced your Canadian citizenship to join the British House of Lords — remember? You are a virtually lifelong, career criminal — remember? Stop threatening to sue people for telling the truth about you. Stop whining about your “stigma” — you’ve EARNED it, and it is all that you’ve earned. And fuck off back to the House of Lords…if they’ll have you!
5. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yes, the Quitbull is still irrelevant, and still blissfully unaware of it. And hey, as long as FUX Snooze is stupid enough to pay her to give dumb soundbite, why wouldn’t she be? But even though Mittens is clearly not the sharpest knife in the drawer, I think he’s gonna hesitate to take political advice from such an obvious loser. Especially when said advice is “Go Rogue!” We all know how that worked out for her, eh?
6. Timothy Fucking Dolan. No, Barack Obama is NOT “choking” Catholics with anything. The majority of Catholic women are enthusiastic users of birth control, and no doubt enthusiastic supporters of anything which would make it more affordable to them. If anybody is choking them, it’s the church…with its outdated notions about how life begins and what women’s roles should be.
7. Daryl Fucking Metcalfe. Get ready, Pennsylvania…thanks to this asshole, your local Planned Parenthood is going to be on the receiving end of a major moneybomb in 5…4…3…2…
8. George Fucking Tierney, Jr. Kiss your daddy with that mouth, Junior? PS: Ha, ha. And good luck scrubbing your bad reputation off the Internets. You EARNED it, bucko! (Also, good luck finding a lawyer. Most of them are deeply averse to representing total fucking whackjobs.)
9. Cynthia Fucking Dunbar. Awwww, did your widdle fetal heartbeat anti-choice law fall down and go boom? Poor widdle theocrats, my heart bleeds. (Well, no. Not really. Mwahahahahaha.)
10. Mark Fucking Traina. Nice to know that after so many decades of civil rights activism and lawmaking, Jim Crow is still alive and well, and working as a school psychologist in Louisiana. One with shockingly poor writing skills, at that.
11. Sarah Fucking Burge. Anderson Cooper doesn’t often lose his shit, but when he does, it’s with publicity-seeking idiots like this self-styled wannabe “Human Barbie”, who is doing her level best to ensure that her young daughter inherits her mama’s horrific case of body dysmorphic disorder. She’s spending ridiculous amounts of money on fostering a little girl’s self-loathing, instead of putting that cash toward something that will actually benefit her as an adult, like, oh, say, AN EDUCATION. Can you blame him for kicking her off his show?
12. Andrew Fucking Coyne. The National Pest‘s stuffed-shirt conservahack really outdid himself this week, when he tried to pooh-pooh a grassroots protest as a “thrilling attempt to cripple democracy”. This as the Québec government is the one actually doing the crippling — or rather, trying to and failing. Sort of like the hack in question, whose idea of “democracy” is strangely similar to fascism. War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength…where have we heard all this before? Tune in next week, when Topsy-Turvy Andy will try (most eloquently, no doubt) to convince us that black is white, wrong is right, day is night, and so on. I can’t wait to see how he backpedals on this one.
13. Andrew Fucking Prescott. Sorry, Monsieur Poutine, but I’m not “stuck on stupid”, YOU are. Nobody is buying your dumb denials and lame excuses. We know you did it. And no, nobody is “moving on” from a blatant ELECTION THEFT, at least not until every last culprit, including YOU, is behind bars. And I frankly don’t give a fiddler’s fuck if you were ordered to steal the election for Stephen Fucking Harper, Marty Fucking Burke or whomever. You had a free choice to do the right thing, and you fucking blew it. And no, your God is not a legally defensible justification for any of what you did. God does not order criminals to subvert democracy. You, sir, are a criminal. See you and your puppet masters in Millhaven!
14. Trent Fucking Franks. Teh Stoopid is strong with this one. Fortunately, so too is the Schadenfreude.
15. Brad Fucking Fischetti. I have no idea who this nimnul is, but apparently he used to be in one of those generic boy-bands. And now he’s a sidewalk harasser at abortion clinics, praying for the patients to “choose life”. Uh, Brad? Those who go there ARE choosing life. THEIR life. Now get one of your own, and leave them alone!
16. Dan Fucking Gainor. Who told this yutz that movies had a duty to inculcate right-wing “values”? And really, what kind of “values” are girls supposed to learn from fictional chicks who marry vampires? And what the hell does all that have to do with a movie about Beat poets? Dude, if actual culture (as opposed to the pseudo-culture of the Twilight series) offends you, get the fuck out of Dodge.
17. Robert G. Fucking Marshall. “Sodomy” is “not a civil right”? Tell that to all the straight married people who do it! (Does anybody have an educated guess as to what HIS closet fetish is? Ha, ha, ha.)
18. John Fucking Edwards. No, flirting with the jury won’t get your ass off the hook. Sorry!
19. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Of course he wanted a burlesque dancer to dress up like His Barackness. Ol’ Bunga-Bunga is kinky that way!
20. Stacey Fucking Pritchard. Oh look, it’s one of #1’s minions — er, parishioners — defending his shit. This is why you fail, North Carolina. And this is why you are doomed to go on failing until every last one of your inbred hillbillies dies out. It won’t take an electric fence to help THEM die out, though; maladaptation alone will do that.
21. Justin Fucking Bieber. “Doing real stuff sucks”, all right…but it must suck even worse to be him. He might make his first billion before he turns twenty, but no one over 12 will ever take him seriously. Not even if he lives to be a hundred.
22. Rob Fucking Ford. Some say he’s cut his workload; others say he’s playing hooky. I think he’s throwing a petulant snit. I wonder how much longer he plans on holding his breath, and how long it will take for his big red face to turn blue.
And finally, to all you lawn-order morans calling for a harsh crackdown on the demonstrators in Québec. You DO realize, do you not, that what you are calling for is fascism? And you DO also realize, I hope, that you’re contributing to a resurgence of separatist sentiment? Oh wait…you DON’T? Quel surprise. You really don’t think very much, do you? Thought not. And that, cons de merde, is precisely your problem. One that will come back to bite you, sooner rather than later.
Good night, and get fucked!