Wankers of the Week: Wankspotting

Crappy Victoria Day weekend, everyone! (Or crappy May Two-Four Weekend, for those not so monarchistically inclined.) Well, how ’bout them bluejays. Saturday’s here again, and where’ve I been? Out in my garden, digging. And out in the woods along the railroad track, chasing down some wild asparagus. And not getting hit by trains. But somehow I’ve managed to spot a lot of wank in between it all…and here it comes, in no particular order:

1. Manny Fucking Pacquiao. Yes, that’s right, HIM. He might be the greatest boxer since Muhammad Ali (or maybe not; debate!), but one thing’s for sure, he’s taken too many hits to the head. With a bible, not a fist. And it’s only a matter of time before dementia pugilistica claims his ass.

2. Rand Fucking Paul. A fine “libertarian” he turned out to be. Despite being named after a rather well-known atheist, he’s now suddenly all bible-thumpy himself. And of course, the first thing he trots out is the homophobia. Fuck this guy. Seriously. Fuck his ass.

3. John Fucking Derbyshire. Well, at least he’s finally, fully honest about what he is. But he still neglected to admit that he is a fucking WANKER.

4. Paul Fucking Cameron. Oh, look who’s picked up the “Obama is gay” meme and run with it…straight into wanker territory! So, he thinks all gays should be imprisoned “before they rape kids”? I think he should be imprisoned before he turns them all into evil little wankers. Like himself.

5. James Fucking Lankford. Being gay is not a choice; being a religiously deluded bigot is. And if I were him, I’d watch myself on that latter point. He looks like a screaming closet case to me!

6. Bubba Fucking Carpenter. Will someone please explain to me why potentially lethal coat-hanger abortions are “moral values”? Because if there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that making safe, medical and surgical abortions illegal does not work to stop abortion. It only drives it underground, to where the hemorrhages and infections are. It is not moral, nor is it a value. Unless, of course, your “moral values” consider female martyrdom by back-alley butchery to be somehow virtuous. PS: Ha, ha.

7. Don Fucking Coram. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. You must really love your gay son if you voted against a bill that would allow him to marry his boyfriend! Nice excuse you made, too. Who’s the political pawn again?

8. Hunter Fucking Moore. Under investigation by the FBI? Gee, who’d of thunk it? Look who’s not so cocky anymore. And who’s threatening to firebomb the Village Voice. Yeah, that’ll really help him. “Is Anyone Upset”, you ask? Ha, not I. He’s got it coming. Karma’s a bitch, and he’s a douche. The two should get along reallllllly well.

9. Joe Fucking Pitts. Please, don’t anyone tell him that Yasir Arafat is long dead. And that Ariel Sharon is as good as, too. The Palestinian people of Gaza and the West Bank are a little bit short of laughingstocks lately.

10. Jack Fucking Conkling. If same-sex marriage is the same as murder, lying, cheating and stealing, then answer me this: Whom has it killed? To whom has it lied, about what? Whom has it cheated, and of what? From whom has it stolen, and what? PS: Pretending you’re a homophobe only because you want the best for others? Fuck that noise.

11. Jim Fucking Flaherty. Someone please put a pointy hat on him and stand him out in the garden; he’s more useful as a gnome than he is as a finance minister. Maybe that will also give him an incentive to pull his head out of his ass for a change.

12. Todd Fucking Starnes. So, public schools are to blame for kids being smarter and less bigoted? Well, that’s true! But why do you say that like it’s a BAD thing? And if you wanna talk about generational indoctrination, how about the fucking churches, which are clearly behind all the backwardness of YOUR viewpoint?

13. Dean Fucking Del Mastro. No, ripping a CD (copying its contents to another file format, that is) is NOT like stealing anything. If you already OWN the CD, you’ve paid for it. (And those things are, for the most part, damnably overpriced.) If you can’t copy the content to play it on an MP3 player, what good is it? I’ve bought copy-protected CDs I couldn’t play at all because of this idiotic shit. Not just on my computer; on ANYTHING. The theft, in this case, is the money from my pocket for a piece of worthless, useless merchandise. But I don’t expect Dumbass Del Mastro to grasp that.

14. Mitt Fucking Romney. Another week, another wank. This week, Mittens decided it was somehow a good idea to give a commencement address at an unaccredited, fundie-dumbass “university” for the insular home-schooled. And hey! Way to alienate your donors, Mittens! I’m sure that won’t hurt your plans for a car elevator at all!

15. Maurice Fucking Vellacott. No, Maurice, you cadaverous freak, abortion is not “bullying of the unborn”, or “pre-born”, or whatever other abominable saccharine terms you use to talk about your sickly little fetus fetish. Since when does pregnancy termination involve harassment, hounding, and driving to suicide? Since NEVER. But anti-choice rubbish is definitely bullying when it comes to the forgotten half of humanity…WOMEN.

16. Jason Fucking Kenney. Here’s a suggestion, not that he’s likely to take it: How about NOT lecturing China on its human-rights abuses, and instead dealing with the Harper Government™’s ones? Too much for ya, Jason?

17. Keith Fucking Ablow. Oh look, FUX Snooze’s resident diploma-mill “doctor” has spoken up on same-sex couples raising kids…AGAIN! And this time, he’s blaming them for polygamy. Somebody please remind him that there were no same-sex couples adopting back in the days when Joseph Smith — a social arch-conservative if ever there was one, and definitely no homo — founded the Mormon Church as a pretext for polygamy, chiefly his own. (And he wasn’t waiting for anyone to make it legal, either. He just claimed scriptural authority, and that was that.)

18. James Fucking Moore. Heaven forfend that children learn to associate sex with — gasp — SCIENCE! — and not dirty immorality. If they did, they might start thinking about it rationally, instead of developing a misplaced Work Ethic to overcompensate for something. Isn’t that how it goes?

19. Donald Fucking Trump. Srsly, how is this ugly-ass douchebag even married? Is his wife really a Stepford fembot, as I suspect she is?

20. Mike Fucking Coffman. What exactly does it mean to be an “American in one’s heart”? I don’t know, but I suspect it has something to do with being white on one’s face.

21. Brad Fucking Wall. Yes, let’s elevate the Dutch Disease of Alberta to supremacy over all our other industries. Especially the creative arts, which bring needed revenue not only to Bumfuck, Saskatchewan, but all the rest of Canada, too. Not to mention the very real way all that artsy-fartsy shit elevates Canada’s cultural profile on the world stage. But since Tories (and SaskaTories) are notably lowbrow, and apparently value nothing but money and fetuses, I’m sure all that just flies right over their oily little heads.

22. Ted Fucking Opitz. Big fucking whoop, he’s “disappointed”. Yeah, Ted, and so are the voters whose election was stolen right out from under their ballot boxes! By YOUR FUCKING PARTY, Ted!

23. Mario Fucking Vargas Llosa. He may have fucked off for Spain after a failed presidential campaign in his native Peru, but it seems he’s still playing at presidential politics…in ARGENTINA. Where, observant souls may note, he has no business sticking his fingers. Or criticizing the current (and very popular) president, Cristina Fernández, for making the current (and very popular) decision to nationalize Repsol holdings in Argentina, for the benefit of Argentines.

24. Alvaro Fucking Uribe. And while we’re on the subject of shitty right-wing Latin American ex-politicians going on insane tirades about still-sitting popular leaders, how about this one? Uribe, be it noted, knows doodley-fucking-squat about the murder rates in Venezuela, but that’s not going to stop him from blaming Chavecito. Who, be it noted, isn’t covering anything up; in fact, he’s doing something rather effective about that murder problem (which, in any event, is NOT political). And speaking of which, that reminds me: Didn’t El Narco use to be president of Colombia, a country with well-known high murder rates which, under him, WERE covered up, and included many campesinos later dressed up to look like FARC guerrillas? Why yes, he was! And isn’t he still a known drug trafficker on the DEA’s list? Why yes, he IS! Interesting.

25. Henry Fucking Kissinger. Shouldn’t he be on a no-fly list? He meets all the criteria: Serial killer, mass murderer, genocidal bomber, war criminal…I could go on. But the Fucking US TSA let him through. After a frisking, which, while somewhat satisfying, wouldn’t have been nearly as great as them telling him simply, “No, sir, you won’t be flying today. You’re under arrest!”

26. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. His name is my name t…oops. No, it isn’t. And neither is his cockamamie theory that being gay is down to demon possession (or his interlocutor’s equally loopy insistence that it’s all about Teh Marketing, either). It can’t be said often enough, so I’ll scream it in ALL FUCKING CAPS (and italics, with bolding for extra emphasis): BEING GAY IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN FUCKING CATCH, YOU FUCKING MORONS!!!

27. Samantha Fucking Brick, AGAIN. Yes, she’s ba-ack! And she’s even more full of shit — er, HERSELF — than ever before. I’m sure the women of France have more than a few choice words of their own for her, but here are mine, all en anglais, and once more, with feeling, ALL FUCKING CAPS, BOLDFACE AND ITALICS: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO THE HELL AWAY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

28. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Thanks again for proving me right when I say that all the anti-choice, anti-feminist conservative groups out there are that way because they’re secretly racist. The only thing wrong with my statement now is that the racism is no secret anymore! How much longer before your Amurrican Frauenschaft starts its own Lebensborn program, Phyl?

29. Ken Fucking Bennett. Another pop-eyed birther freak who “isn’t convinced” that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii. Where do all these people keep coming from? (Please don’t say Kenya.)

And finally, to all the idiots out there who bought the lies peddled by politicians, police, and right-wing media kept selling us about the G20. This week saw a lot of your bullshit dragged out into the open and exposed for what it is. If you people MUST support a police state, could you at least support one that’s competent and throws the right people into prison? Like, say, the SupposiTory enablers of banksters and oil billionaires who are robbing you all blind while you go baying off after a bunch of minor-league “anarchists”?

Goodnight, and get fucked!