Wankers of the Week: The Vagina Monotremes

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Wow, what a week it’s been for the ladybits. We got vaginas coming out the wazoo everywhere, thanks to some stupid dicks with a big, floppy hate-on. And you know what happens when dicks see vaginas? Yep, that’s right…they wank. Because they don’t know what else to do when confronted with something that scares and confuses them so. And here come the wankers, in no particular order…

1. Glenn Fucking Beck. Oh looky, Biff’s piped up again with another snoozer of an idea. This time, he’s hoping to bury a certain TV show about an imaginary high school glee club. Why? Because it’s LIBERAL. And apparently gay people like it. Horrors! Let’s face it, if ideas really ARE a marketplace, then it should be manifestly obvious by now that conservatism is a money-loser. Nobody is buying. What’s the point in peddling that horseshit anymore?

2. Chris Fucking Wallace. His dad was a journalist; he, sadly, is nothing more than a ‘winger hack. And his use of ugly slurs is proof of that fact. If he were a real journalist, he’d know that “illegal” is not a noun, and the correct terminology is undocumented immigrants. But then again, what were we expecting of a FUX Snoozer? They know nothing of grammar, much less factual correctness. And their piss-dumb audience reflects that.

3. Sarah Fucking Palin. She’s ba-aaack…and she waa-aaaanked again! And isn’t she a fine one to accuse His Barackness of snorting coke and eating dogs? The town where she failed as mayor is the crystal meth capital of Alaska, and I seriously doubt she’s even capable of eating what she kills…assuming that she can actually shoot wolves, and isn’t just tagging along for the helicopter ride. Quitbull go home…and sit down…and shut the fuck UP.

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4. Matt Fucking Lewis. In case you wonder why I have no civil words for right-wingers, just look at what passes for “the right thing” amongst them. Heckling and getting way out of line is the “right thing”? In what fucked-up parallel universe? Oh right…one where wars build character, torture is A-okay, and dead children in bombed-out houses are just “collateral damage”, but birth control pills are for sluts, and you can’t say shit even when you have a bellyful. Silly me!

5. Rodney Fucking Moncur. He thinks women on the Pill should hang for it, and I think he should hang for proposing it. No baby tonight!

6. Frank Fucking Foster. Ah yes, those right-wingers are just keepin’ it classy down there in Michigan. Vagina is a dirty word there, but guess what’s apparently not? This one called a nurses’ union member a cunt. In front of his own young autistic son, whom he hoped (unsuccessfully) to use as a lever to launch a guilt trip on the woman, who was only mowing her lawn. Let’s hope that the next time he’s in hospital for whatever, a big, mean, unionized nurse remembers that smirky widdle punk-ass face of his, and treats him…accordingly.

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7. Salim Fucking Mansur. So, legislation against hate speech is a “stain on Canadian democracy” that has to be “removed”? Well, I’m sure Salim will remember that when the neo-Nazis start calling down death upon his own brown head. Just as I’m sure they’ll remember to thank him nicely for sticking up for their ugly shit.

8. James Fucking Delingpole. The only thing worse than an Internet troll is a shitty right-wing columnist who eggs them on, and then (a) disingenuously disclaims responsibility for his followers being, well, TROLLS, or (b) disingenuously claims that the climate scientists he makes a tidy cottage industry of slagging aren’t receiving nearly as much hate mail as poor widdle him, or (c) both. This all would be very funny if the objects of Dopingpole’s ire weren’t actual scientists doing actual science, and respected in their field for doing the very work which Dopingpole says he “hasn’t got the time to read”, but it’s really more like the fucking GONADS, Jimmy. Get some. Read the science. Learn it. Find out how very wrong you are. And STFU.

9. Brian Fucking Hillburn. This one’s a wanker, quite literally. And how far was he willing to go to fill his wank-bank? So far as to have Abercrombie & Fitch send him one of their underwear models, whom he persuaded to strip off and masturbate, and of course photographed the whole while. Because hey, if you’re gonna whack off to nude dudes, you might as well trick ’em into it. It’s not like there isn’t a buttload of gay porn out there!

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10. Charles Fucking Carreon. His client is a copyright infringer, and now he himself is an extortionist. Insert shark/lawyer joke here. Seriously, this shit just writes itself.

11. Rielle Fucking Hunter. Are you looking forward to finding her tell-all sleaze book on a sale table, very deeply discounted? Gosh, I am just counting down the days!

12. Courtney Fucking Stodden. Please, for the fuck of shit, stop trying to be famous. You have zero talent. Please just go the hell away!

13. Eric Fucking Hovde. Poor-bashing just reached a new height. Or hit a new low, depending on your taste in metaphors. One thing for sure, Wisconsin Repugs have Swiss cheese for brains. How else could they think that lower corporate taxes and spending cuts were a good idea? And have they ever figured their beloved Military-Industrial Complex into the equation? Because that’s a major drain on the public purse right there. And if you’re gonna protect and coddle the idle rich endlessly, you’re gonna need a damn big army for when the poor finally get their hands on pitchforks, tar and feathers, and run you shitheads out of town on a rail!

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14. Charles Fucking Marshall. It’s one thing to have a teddy-bear fetish. It is another thing entirely to indulge it in public. Please don’t do the latter, or you’ll be arrested like him. And, with any luck, barred from ever entering another toy store.

15. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Did he just call Obama gay? Yeah, he totally did. Which makes me wonder what else is doing the Watusi in his closet.

16. Sam Fucking Wurzelbacher. Yes, Not-Joe the Non-Plumber has wanked again. This time it’s all about gun control…again. And about the Nazis, and that Big Lie that will not die. Namely, that the Nazis invented gun control, and that it was the reason for the Holocaust. Never mind that none of this is true. For the perfect takedown of this nonsense, I hereby refer you to the Gawker commentariat, which occasionally rocks. As opposed to Not-Joe the Non-Plumber, who constantly sucks.

17. Peter Fucking MacKay. He lies and he lies and he lies, and he doesn’t care who dies. But he won’t release information on military suicide rates and PTSD, even when legally required to do so. Meaning, he lies and he lies and he lies. And he doesn’t want US to care who dies, either.

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18. Robert Fucking Cattral. In case you were wondering if voodoo would protect your fraudulent enterprises from legal prosecution, the answer is no. And I doubt very much that being found in possession of a set of voodoo dolls representing the judge, crown attorneys, and police involved in your prosecution is going to help you at all in court, either.

19. Dean Fucking Del Mastro. Ignorance of the law is not an excuse. And if you’re a parliamentary secretary, it’s a particularly disgraceful one to even attempt to fob off on the public. RESIGN! And go to jail, you fucking corrupto!

20. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Since when has the US EPA concerned itself with how much water the Southern-Fried Baptists use in their swimming-pool-sized baptismal fonts? Since NEVER. But don’t tell that to Hucky Fudd, he thinks they’ve got something against religion. Sounds more like the reverse to me!

21. Ron Fucking Paul. Just like his pet saint, Ayn Fucking Rand, he takes Social Security but wants to ban it for others. Oooooooo, what a hypocrite — which is to say, how typically libertarian!

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22. Vardan Fucking Aslanyan. WTF is “swag”? I dunno, but I suspect it’s a medical condition that causes some poor dude’s testicles to inflate to such ginormongous size that they bobble up around his ears with every step he takes, and beat the fucking shit out of his brain. There is simply no other explanation for such a boneheaded excuse for such boneheaded fucking driving. None that makes sense, anyway.

23. Peter Fucking Kent. The crappy ex-journalist turned really really REALLY FUCKING CRAPPY minister of the environment just sprayed his sploodge all over Rio, claiming that the poor widdle Harper Government™ is misunderstood, and must counter “misinformation” spread by people who actually give a shit about the environment…as opposed to people like himself and the entire fucking Harper Government™, who think the environment only exists to be shat upon.

24. Bill Fucking Donohue. Right-wing Catholics are no friends of the Jews, no matter what the hell they claim. When they presume to wag their fat fingers and tell progressive rabbis to keep their long Jewish noses out of the Catholic League’s “right” to interfere with women’s bodily autonomy (in the guise of “religion”, natch), and then throw that “but we’re your only friends in the world” crap at them, I think it behooves us all to remember what a certain right-wing pope did NOT do to save the Jews when it came to choosing between them and his devoutly Catholic followers, Hitler and Mussolini. Who, even to this day, have NOT been kicked out of the church, not even posthumously.

25. Patrick Fucking Dye. No, Planned Parenthood is NOT “targeting black babies”. If black women are coming to PP’s clinics, it’s because they need the affordable healthcare that others aren’t providing. And if those women are choosing abortion, it’s because they can’t afford to feed another mouth. Oops! Did I just destroy somebody’s vision of welfare queens in Cadillacs, reproducing like rabbits just to collect extra cash and spend it on dope? I guess I just did. Fucking racist pastors, gotta love ’em. They can’t stake out a consistent position to save their lives, unless you count “on the wrong side of everything”!

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And finally, to the Paraguayan Congress. Congratulations on your crypto-coup, you motherfuckers, you actually made the Repug-dominated US Congress look good by comparison. Feel proud of your isolation yet? Because no one in Mercosur or UNASUR is touching you shits with a 39-and-a-half-foot pole anymore. And no, I don’t think Washington or Miami is gonna do more than pay you lip service as “great friends of democracy”…if they say anything at all. (If they’re smart, they’ll keep their pieholes shut). Congratulations again, you just turned Paraguay into a banana republic…without the bananas.

Goodnight, and get FUCKED!

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