Wankers of the Week: Zombie Apocalypse Now


Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that God. I might just have to start believing in the ol’ motherfucker now, because he did, indeed, give us the beginnings of a zombie apocalypse. Braaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiins! Yes, you know it must be true when hell is full and the damned start to walk the Earth. And here is who’s damned…fucking stupid…this week, in no particular order:

1. Rob Fucking Ford. Last week, he’d cut his workload; this week, word that he cut short his diet prematurely. Why? Because Robbo’s weigh-ins were about the only time that reporters got free access to him and asked him questions! And we all know that nobody questions Frod Nation, right? Rightrightright. PS: And now he’s back on it. Interesting!

2. Dan Fucking Riehl. Nice to see somebody’s still giving Andrew Fucking Breitbart’s corpse mouth-to-mouth. And with a mouth that disgusting, DannyBoy is keeping things true to the original spirit of Bitefart. Attaboy!

3. Newt Fucking Gingrich. His advice to prospective presidential precandidates: “Raise a lot of money.” The same, I presume, also applies to prospective presidential precandidates who spend a lot on Tiffany’s bling for their mistress-turned-wives. Just don’t take it out of your campaign donations, ‘kay?


4. Alvaro Fucking Uribe. I’m sensing a pattern in El Narco’s wanks of late. A nasty, fascist, putschist pattern. You too? Jeez. Let’s just be glad he didn’t decide to get naked and eat Chavecito’s face off.

5. Thomas Fucking Cardinal Collins. Some quickie definitions of His Holy Nibs’ bafflegab for ya: “Deeply held beliefs” = institutionalized homophobia. “Faith community” = highly politicized, large-scale cult. “Principles of consciences” = not giving a fuck whom the “deeply held beliefs” of your “faith community” hurt in the real world. “Freedom to act in a way that is in accord with its principles of consciences” = BULLYING.

6. Mitt Fucking Romney. Well, of COURSE Mittens considers Donald Fucking Trump to be “good people” — he’s got MONEY! Contrast this with how most of us recognize that a son of a bitch is still a son of a bitch, even if he’s a fucking rich son of a bitch. (Or, in Da Fucking Donald’s case, rich on paper, but of questionable value in reality.) PS: Ha, ha. Also, ha ha ha.


7. Donald Fucking Trump. You know, it really takes talent to be so fucking stupid as to make Voof Bleetzah look intelligent.

8. Brad Fucking Trost. Boo fucking hoo, the theo-con wing of the SupposiTories doesn’t get to impose its way upon all the rest of Canada because of evil parliamentary discipline! My heart bleeds.

9. Curtis Fucking Knapp. Jesus H. Christ, what is it with all these fascist Baptist preachers? Last week we had a North Carolina Nazi say gays should all be fenced into a big concentration camp until they “die out”. This week, we get his cousin from Kansas saying the government should exterminate them. Maybe it’s time all the Baptist preachers advocating a Final Solution were rounded up and subjected to it themselves, eh?

10. and 11. Jennifer Fucking Roback Morse. And while we’re on the subject of bad Baptists who deserve a taste of their own medicine, round up this one too, please. And her interlocutor, Richard Fucking Land. He’s been saying a number of disgusting, indefensible things and claiming they came from God. Time that shit were stopped. PS: What the fuck is a “secular theocracy”? An oxymoron, that’s what.


12. Roy Fucking Moore. And while we’re on the subject of Theocrats Gone Wild, look! It’s Judge Ten Commandments, trying to convince us that secularism leads to Sharia. Savor the irony, folks — this is the same assclown who tried to theocratize the courthouse with Christian Sharia.

13. Lila Fucking Rose. Her widdle gotcha film racket came up empty for evidence of sex-selective abortion in the US, but that’s not about to stop this tiresome wankerette from insisting that it DOES SO happen. Even when the statistics flatly contradict her, showing that female births are actually catching up to the males. (Amusingly, this clashes with the whole premise of another sexist group from up here, Save The Males, which insists that dudes are an endangered species. I would love to pit those two against each other in a cage match.)

14. Lori Fucking Christensen. Trust me when I tell you that nobody thinks you’re an asshole just because you’re single. But maybe, just maybe, you might be single because you’re an asshole. See how that works?

15. Pavel Fucking Durov. According to my dad, who worked with a Russian POW on a farm in northern Germany back in the day, durak is Russian for “dumbass”, more or less. I’m guessing that “Durov” will soon be Russian for asshole.


16. James Fucking Franklin. Thanks, coach, for reminding me why I can’t get behind the fucking insane Cult of Football. Between meatheads in charge and people’s grey matter turning into pink slime after too many collisions on the field, it’s just all really fucking bad for the brains.

17. Condoleezza Fucking Rice. Yes, Dubya’s Auntie Condi is back in the news after a four-year hiatus from being stupid in public. Yay! And she came up with a reliable nugget for us, too: apparently, to be good at this whole presidenting thing, you have to make a big show of how U-S-A! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!! you are. Next week, no doubt, we’ll hear all about the importance of “Mission Accomplished” banners and how to stuff the crotch of your flightsuit. Or why Ferragamos are an especially good investment during hurricane season.

18. and 19. Jim Fucking VandeHei and Mike Fucking Allen. If you’re going to criticize other media outlets for being mean and grotty to your boy Mittens, it might help to not be mean and grotty yourselves. Ever think of that? Nooooo, of course not. That’s why Politico is such a shitty political website, basically. It lacks all self-awareness, as well as all understanding of a little-known concept called irony.


20. Julian Fucking Fantino. We all know that cops are not the brightest lights on the tree, or the sharpest tools in the shed — that is to say, they are often dumber than a mud fence. But apparently, to be a top cop, you have to be really fucking stupid. How stupid? Well, in the case of this ex-OPP chief turned SupposiTory MP, stupid enough not to know dead from alive.

21. Jay Fucking Townsend. Listen to Jay. What a little bee he has in his bonnet. Buzz Buzz. My question today … WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT ABOUT HURLING ACID AT FEMALE DEMOCRATIC SENATORS? Dude, you sound like a fucking Talib. Oh, but of course you do…you’re a fucking teabagger. Same sexist shit, different color burqa. How about answering questions in a civil manner, and staying on topic when the topic is gas prices? Oh, but of course. You’re a fucking teabagger. You don’t believe in reining in the corporate sector, or even answering questions to do with it. Because the Koch Brothers are probably paying your salary, and your presumptive employer’s salary as well! PS: And he doubled down on the dumbth. Popcorn, anyone?

22. Jason Fucking Biggs. Who? I don’t know, but I bet he reeks of biggotry — sorry, bigotry!


23. Jonah Fucking Goldberg. Bully-ass conservatives with bad hair and ugly goatees should be denied the vote. And horsewhipped for thinking crapitalism is better than socialism. And for advocating violence against socialists. And for just generally being such big fat stinking weenies. (See how that works when the shoe’s on the other foot, Jonah?)

24. Trent Fucking Franks. I’m sensing a pattern here in the fronts of the War on Women. Namely, one where misogynists and anti-choice incrementalists are trying to tout their racist fascism as some kind of protection for female fetuses. Which, as I mentioned earlier, aren’t actually an endangered species. But hey, at least this one’s dumbfuck legislation attempt was shot down.

25. George Fucking Zimmerman. Killing a kid for eating Skittles while black is a racist hate crime. But lying to a judge about your fundraising, which has raked in a disturbingly large heap of cash from your fellow racists? That’s a most definite wank.

26. Kelly Fucking Mitchell. If the Fucking Catholic Bishops of Ontario are going to hire a lobbyist to push for the Ontario government to look the other way on institutional homophobia in the Catholic school system, the least they could do is pay through the nose for the privilege. The fact that this creep is taking them on pro bono just says so much about his character, none of it good. And surprise! He’s connected to the super-crooked corrupto-greedheads of ORNGE. Meanwhile, Catholic school teachers have come out squarely behind the students and the gay/straight alliances. Ha, ha.


27. Dan Fucking Rather. I’m so old, I remember when Dan used to be a rather good journalist. Now his idea of a “scoop” is to “report” the same damn crapaganda the rest of the anglo whore media are serving up on Venezuela. With an unnamed “high-level” source, yet. Yeah, that’s legit. Dan, time to hang up your mike and retire. 9-11 fucking broke you, man.

28. Madonna Louise Veronica Fucking Ciccone. Yes, that’s right, I just wank-listed Madonna. And it greatly pains me to do this, as I’m a big fan of her honey-badger attitude, if not always her fashions or her music. But really, trying to make a statement on world peace by kicking off your concert tour in apartheid Israel…and brandishing a gun onstage? Total, spectacular self-awareness FAIL. Does Madge not practise yoga anymore?

29. Rick Fucking Scott. Forgive me for saying this, Mr. Governor, but it sounds to me an awful lot like you’re shooting for a repeat of the Florida election fiasco of 2000. You know, the one where all those black people got purged from the rolls as “felons”, and the right-wing-stacked SCOTUS ended up ruling (wrongfully) in favor of George W. Fraud — er, Bush?


And finally, to all those who seriously think the events of this past week are the beginnings of a real, live — er, undead — Zombie Apocalypse. No, they’re not. The fact that Rudy Eugene happened to be Haitian does not make him a zombie, and neither does his deranged moment of face-eating. The man was mentally ill, and possibly on some seriously bad drugs as well. He should have been hospitalized and wasn’t, because the social safety net in the US is so moth-eaten that more people fall through than get caught. That’s the unglamorous truth. As for the rest: Please do some reading on what zombies really are. It may surprise you.

Good night, and get fucked!

This entry was posted in Wankers of the Week. Bookmark the permalink.