Wankers of the Week: Crappy Bastille Day!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And to all my French readers, happy Bastille Day. So, is everyone ready for the revolution? Because there are plenty of people who could stand to lose their heads, assuming they haven’t lost them already. (And with THEIR behavior, it’s pretty hard to tell.) And here they are, in no particular order:

1. and 2. Ron and Rand Paul. Awww, isn’t it cute? They’re a perfectly matched set of bookends. They both hate net neutrality and love corporate tyranny! Like father, like son, like wankitude comin’ out of all blowholes.

3. Raymond Fucking Hodgson. Sure, the Fifty Shades trilogy is nasty, stupid drivel, and it’s definitely three books too long. But you know what’s even stupider than reading that crap? Dousing your girlfriend with barbecue sauce because she won’t stop reading that crap. That’s not “saucy”, that’s wanky.

4. Daniel Fucking Tosh. Talk about giving Amateur Night a bad name! This not-so-upstanding stand-up comic wannabe decided that rape “jokes” (note the quotes) would be the perfect way to pad out his lame little monologue. That is, until a young lady in the audience decided to call him out on it. His oh-so-hilarious and original response? That it would be funny if she were raped by five guys, right now. Nope, still not funny. And neither was his wanky-ass non-apology. But you know what would be? If five big leather-bear types were to gang up on Mr. Full-of-Tosh in the alley afterwards, and leave him singing soprano. I’d pay good money to see that! But seriously, folks: Wanda Sykes, everybody. She’ll teach you how to do both risqué and funny. And how to deflect rape “jokes” by detaching your vagina, if you have one. PS: One of my oldest friends suggests that Toshy-pants be turned over to the ghost of Valerie Solanas instead. I like that line of thought very much! PPS: Oh, FUCK. Why do I get the feeling he never gets laid at all without, you know, FORCING his shrivelled cocktail sausage on someone? Time to cut his mike, folks. Try the veal. And don’t forget to tip yer waitress!

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5. Mitt Fucking Romney. When making speeches to the NAACP, do not (a) patronize them on the grounds of color, and (b) promise to repeal a rather popular measure that a “colored” guy put into place. Especially not if your own tax returns would render you unelectable. Also, while we’re on the subject of non-white people, STFU about Venezuela; you know nothing about it except what the Koch Bros. want you to know. Which is, to say the least, HIGHLY inaccurate, as well as a marked flip-flop from your previous position, when CITGO was kind enough to help out Massachusetts’ poorest citizens with affordable heating oil. You sure as hell weren’t blatting about any “danger” from Chavecito then!

6. Stephen Fucking Harper. Whether Calgary is really #1 in anything other than reckless, rotten drivers is debatable. What is not in doubt is that the shameless panderer who called it #1, was born and educated in Toronto. Which makes him a big fat cowflop, lying on the fairgrounds after the stampede has been and gone.

7. Jason Fucking Dornhoff. You know, uttering death threats is not really a very effective job-application strategy. Unless, perchance, the job you’re applying for is that of a mafia hitman. Or a very inept bank robber. Or a schlocky movie role as some shitheaded schlub strung out on meth.

8. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. No, Mittens was NOT booed by the NAACP for being white. He was booed for being rich, out of touch and fucking stupid. Kind of like YOU, Rush. PS: How are you enjoying your falling ratings and hired callers, Pigman? You and Mittens really are two peas in a pod, since you both hire trained seals to clap for you. And the sad part is, you have to. You just can’t gin that support up in a more organic manner.

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9. Francesco Fucking Schettino. If you thought #4 was a wankish non-apologizer, wait till you get a gander at Captain Coward’s ditherations over killing 32 people in a stupid stunt which was, basically, geared to impress the half-his-age chick he was schtupping. He’s not actually sorry he killed anyone, he’s not sorry he was a clueless horny moron who was led by his dick, he’s not sorry he was totally fucking incompetent, he’s just sorry the shit hit the fan. Really makes you want to take a cruise around the coasts of Italy, that does.

10. Gallus Fucking Strobel. Excuse me, Herr Bürgermeister, but just where do you get this sexist idea that men are better at parking in tight slots? They refuse to read a map. They can’t even fucking ask directions, fergawdsakes. And do they really need specially designated parking slots, anyway? Das ist total bekloppt. What is their disability? Last time I checked, even a raging case of testosterone poisoning didn’t count. Oh wait, it’s a publicity stunt, aimed at “challenging political correctness”? Very fucking funny. I won’t be stopping by Triberg anytime soon, since I don’t drive and I abhor stupid shit like this. Where the fuck is Triberg, anyway?

11. and 12. Ezra Fucking Levant and Tony Fucking Clement. Awwwww, isn’t it cute? These two are in luuuuuuuv. Their shared interests include right-wing circle jerks of mutual hatesturbation. And they hate Cuba, and they’re mad at the Globe & Mail’s Stephen Wicary for moving there! Any minute now, they’re gonna have a mutual ragegasm together. I just wish they wouldn’t do it in public, they’ll frighten the horses. Jeezus. What decade is this, again?

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13. Kirk Fucking Cameron. Washed-up former child actor with nothing better to do makes yet another boring-ass fundamentalism-tainted video about how marriage will cease to mean anything if the queerrrrrrrz get to do it legally. Yawwwwwwwwn. Actually, the meaning of marriage won’t change; it’s straight privilege that will take the hit. But then again, that little point of logic is bound to fly over the head of ‘most anyone who believes that the Earth is just 6000 years old, that fossils were put in rocks by God as the ultimate mindfuck-slash-faith-test, that Jesus wore a cowboy hat and rode a dinosaur, and that marriage (the “glue of society”!) must only ever be between a man and a woman, completely disregarding all the kinky (and distinctly society-ungluing) biblical shenanigans that also passed under that rubric.

14. Marco Fucking Rubio. So, His Barackness finally gets a weensy glimmering of the truth about Venezuela and says it’s “not a serious threat” to US security? Bra-fucking-vo. Actually, it’s not a threat to the security of the US at all; its beef is with US corporations operating on its soil, and it is going the above-board legal route in getting them to pay up and leave Venezuela’s sovereignty in Venezuelan hands, where it belongs. However, the US is a major security threat to Venezuela and Iran both. A fact utterly lost on this rabid right-wing Miamero, whose mindset is still stuck firmly in the muck of the Cold War, along with that of his aging constituents. Oh, how it must suck to be them.

15. Robert Fucking Blake. Why is this man still roaming the streets? It’s obvious that he’s mentally unstable. And most importantly: Who let him go out in public dressed like that? He looks fucking ridiculous. For that pseudo-cowboy outfit alone, he needs to be institutionalized, pronto.

16. Nikki Fucking Haley. I’m gonna try very hard not to make a rape joke here, and instead say simply this: It’s not funding for rape-crisis centres that is “pork” — IT’S HER OWN FUCKING GUBERNATORIAL SALARY!

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17. Jim Fucking Flaherty. Wipe that stupid grin off your face and give us back our common cents, you pound-foolish fucking garden gnome!

18. Jay Fucking Paterno. Yes, that’s right, the sainted JoePa was in fact a deceitful, hypocritical, ass-covering, self-serving liar to his dying breath. In fact, he did know exactly what Jerry Sandusky was doing, and he not only failed to stop him, he enabled him…by covering up for him. And then he covered Penn State’s guilty ass, too — which is to say, he covered his own. And now that he’s no longer here to do it, his son has taken up the torch for him. Touching!

19. Lou Fucking Dobbs. Oh noes, the US Olympic team will be wearing chic berets! Just like Chavecito! Fear fear panic panic terror terror! Evil and unpatriotic! What are they, French? (No, actually, they’re made in China. Which would be a legitimate bone of contention.) Never mind that the US army also favors berets, at least for some of its troops. (Pat Tillman wore one, too, as I recall.) No, the beret is a sign of COMMUNISM!!! And now we know why Loopy Lou keeps losing jobs. At this rate, there’ll soon be no one left to take him seriously except himself.

20. Nancy Fucking Grace. Speaking of loopy Chicken Noodle Network hacks who deserve to lose their jobs, how about her? She just essentially drove a troubled woman to suicide with her self-righteous pearl-clutching and nostril-flaring, and her lynch-mob hype. Why does she still have a show? (And how much longer before she lands on FUX Snooze with it?)

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21. David Fucking Brooks. If you ever needed evidence that the 1%ers (or in his case, their dumb sycophantic hangers-on) are really crooked, and that “meritocracy” is a massive hoax, here you go. David Fucking Brooks, ladies and gents. Case in fucking POINT.

22. Joel Fucking Stein. No, we don’t need any more fucking macho men. We’re already awash in them, which is why we have global warming, and rape “jokes”, and banksters, doctor-shooters and internet trolls, and we have to watch out for roofies in our drinks. Machismo is why we don’t have nice things. Instead, we have all this incessant whining about how nobody is thinking of the poor emasculated MENZ. This in an age of unprecedented anti-woman backlash. Jesus H. Fucking Christ, you guys, man up and stop wishing for a Golden Age of Manly Menz that never fucking existed. If you really want to go back to the 1950s, you can fuck off thataway, but don’t bet on having any feminine accompaniment along the way (much less squeezed into those awful girdles that women wore back then — you know, to prop up the manhood of their menfolk!). You can forget how to use a toilet seat, talk only in grunts, hunt for your supper with a stone hatchet, and go literally back to the Stone Age, for all I care. But if you want action from the ladies, try getting with the times and being a civilized, evolved Homo sapiens v. sapiens, instead of a Bro-Mag.

23. Aliza Fucking Davidovit. One gets the strangest feeling that she’s never met a single, real, actual black person. And that if she did, she’d fly all to pieces about the schwartzers and how lazy, shiftless and fucking dangerous they all are. Someone please remind her that her ancestors lived in ghettos too, and were persecuted along much the same lines (including those of color). And that it would therefore behoove her to get out of that ghetto mindset she’s got going on, and to meet a few of them. She might just be pleasantly surprised.

24. Glenn Fucking Beck. You know something? I can’t believe he’s still around. But he is, and now he’s wanking over Cuba, too! Maybe he could join #11 and #12, and make it a ménage à trois? It’s hard out there for a putz, and he needs all the company he can get!

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25. Jason Fucking Kenney. I guess his mama never told him that it was bad form to solicit compliments and thank-yous. (For an odious piece of crap legislation, no less.) But that’s okay, because lots of snarky, derisive Canadians are gonna do it for her instead.

26. Carol Fucking Costello. What are you, lady, a FUX Snooze alumna? “You’re the kooky guy who doesn’t know what he’s talking about” is NOT a good opening gambit, it is sensationalistic drivel at best. You don’t tell Bill Nye the Science Guy that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about when it comes to global warming. He knows a helluva lot more than you do…which, by the sounds of it, is doodly-fucking-squat. Or worse, crap fed to you by a Koch Bros.-financed anti-science “institute”. You’re not a climate savant. You’re just another ignorant, belligerent, interruptive talking head on the Chicken Noodle Network — which, by the sounds of it, is having a really bad week.

27. William Fucking Owens. Did no one ever teach him about Audre Lorde’s famous essay, “The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House”? Well, of course not. Audre Lorde was a lesbian. Which, I guess, in HIS terms, would make her a unicorn, since everyone knows that you can’t be both black AND gay, much less all that and female. No, better to pit race against sexual orientation and/or gender. Always a winning strategy…and you can tell by the fact that NOM is losing, losing, LOSING everywhere it goes. Oppressing one group will not lift up another; it degrades and diminishes the entire HUMAN race. In other words, Audre Lorde was right.

28. Mark Fucking Regnerus. Surprise, surprise. One of his studies — which all conveniently happen to “confirm” so many conservative misconceptions about sex, both gay AND straight — is now under academic investigation! Couldn’t be because of poor methodology and other general full-of-shitness, could it now? Or his ties to NOM? Nooooooo, of course not!

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And finally, to all the fucking losers who so touchingly stepped up to defend Daniel Tosh’s “right” to be a rape-culture dickweed. Oh, but of course, it’s noble freedom of speech that you’re really defending. Riiiiiiight. Poor oppressed little unfunny amateur night reject, what a delicate flower — pissed on by all those nasty, humor-hating feminists. If you guys were really secure in your collective manhood, don’t you think you could all bear to be called on your shit when it’s obvious that you’re full of it? Because he sure as hell was…is…whatever. And if you can’t handle his being criticized, or my criticizing him and you, tough fucking shit. I don’t want to hear it, so don’t bother leaving any droppings around here. Just hit your Back button and skulk back off to wherever you came from.

Good night, and get fucked!

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