Wankers of the Week: The Olympigs, part d’oh

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Crappy weekend, everyone! How are we enjoying the Corporate Olympics and their heavy-handed security right now? Freedom and yippee and all that commercial cal. Wake me up when the hype is over. That is, if the drone from these motormouths doesn’t put YOU to sleep, too…

1. John Fucking McCain. No, of course there’s no proof that gun control prevents gun violence; only a sharp drop in statistics in every place where stricter gun controls were ever put in place. Just as there’s no proof that crystal meth exploded all over Wasilla, Alaska, when this clown’s former running mate was mayor. Sheer fucking coincidence!

2. Judson Fucking Phillips. Dude, if you’re gonna demand that your own president prove that he wasn’t a crack-smoking homo, I think I’m well within my rights to demand that you prove you stopped beating your wife. (I’m pretty sure you’re still smoking crack, by the sound of what’s issuing from your crack-hole.)

3. Louie Fucking Gohmert, AGAIN. Last week, he wanked by blaming gun violence on Teh Unbelieverz. This week, he whines that he was “taken out of context”. The hell he was! Also, he’s sorry, IF. Apology FAIL!

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4. The Fucking Palin Clan. Yes, all of them. Because it takes a village to raise a child, and their village is obviously in a state of misrule. And while little Tripp may not be old enough to understand why it’s wrong to say “faggot”, “fag”, etc., his mother and aunt certainly are. They use those insults on a regular basis. And the fact that they don’t give a shit whom their insults hurt is to be squarely blamed on THEIR parents in turn, for raising them wrong: homophobic and callous and selfish and greedy. Fine Christians these folks turned out to be, the whole lot of them. I feel so sorry for Tripp.

5. Alex Fucking Jones. No, the Colorado theatre shooting was NOT part of a UN plan staged by Barack Obama (!!!) to take away your guns. But conspiracy-touting lunatics like you definitely shouldn’t be allowed to own them, because you’re clearly not sane enough to handle them responsibly. Nuts don’t kill people, but nuts with guns do. And I don’t want to be in the line of fire when any of you gun nuts blow your fucking stack.

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6. Mitt Fucking Romney. If you wonder why this man doesn’t deserve to be president, just look at him. He makes money hand over fist while campaigning, and he is blatantly out of touch with 99.9999999% of the country he claims he wants to govern. His cars have an elevator, while his dog has to shit itself in fear strapped to the roof rack, he impersonated state troopers (a felony, BTW) as a student. He hates the Arab Spring, too. And if I had all week, I could go on. You get the picture now, don’t you? He just doesn’t like other people very much. Mittens is all about money and privilege, and all he cares about is making sure that gravy train never ends. He hasn’t a civic-minded bone in his body. And all the Brits are laughing at him, too.

7. Timothy Fucking Courtois. Because hey, it’s NEVER too soon for a loser to try to copycat the crime that gripped the nation’s attention for days on end, eh? And since this one was stupid enough to announce his intentions beforehand, and no one got hurt as a result (he was taken down quickly), he’s just a wanker. If he managed to fire off even one round, though, he’d be a criminal.

8. Rick Fucking Warren. Why?

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That’s why. Oh, and this, too. Fucking fundie imperialist scumbag should pay heavy taxes on his megachurch racket, just so he has less (or, better still, NOTHING) to send to gay-bashing governments in Africa. Just imagine if that money went to constructive uses instead…like, oh, say, AIDS prevention that doesn’t involve homophobia. Or MURDER.

9. Dan Fucking Cathy, again. Last week it was for being an out homophobe; this week, it’s for lying about why finger-muppets are no longer included in ChickFiller’s equivalent of Happy Meals. The real reason? Danny-boy’s homophobic godbaggery didn’t go down so well with the Jim Henson Company, which makes the puppets. They pulled out of the deal. PS: Ha, ha. Also, John 3:16, bitch.

10. Laureen Fucking Harper. I don’t doubt that it’s hard work being married to the most detestable man in Canada (shy of Conrad Fucking Black, that is). But as for it overcoming HER “shortfalls” (I think she means shortCOMINGS)…I’m afraid nothing less than a divorce will do that. Sorry, honey!

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11. Tony Fucking Blair. It’s been a while since I’ve listed him, but I think you’ll agree that his unqualified support of bankers and Maggie Fucking Thatcher amid the worst-ever financial crisis (which is, I might add, strictly of THEIR making) is definitely worthy of a hearty one-fingered salute.

12. Jonathan Fucking Denby. No, I don’t want to find Fifty Shades of Grody in my hotel nightstand. Or Atlas Screamed and Ran, either. Put back those fucking Gideon bibles. At least there’s a little bit of good smut in them. (Song of Solomon, anyone?)

13. James Fucking Taranto. He hopes “the girls whose boyfriends died to save them [in Colorado] were worthy of the sacrifice”? Well, duh — clearly their boyfriends thought so. And I know of one idiot who writes for the Wall Street Urinal whom NO ONE should ever sacrifice themselves to save.

14. Rick Fucking Santorum. Why?

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That’s why. Blatantly shilling for the most homophobic (and SEXIST) junk-food chain in the land is about as wanky as it gets. But thanks for the warning, Butt-Sploodge. Your name, associated with THAT chain, is a great appetite killer! PS: Is anyone surprised by this? I’m not. Icky Ricky never met a closet he didn’t love. I’m just waiting to see him get caught in a wide-stance moment. I just pray that it’s not with an under-age boy.

15. Cliff Fucking Stearns. Vile, misogynous anti-choice opportunism has a name. Guess whose.

16. Gavin Fucking Bradford. There isn’t much you can say about a teacher who masturbates to 12-year-old girls pouring sour milk down their pants except Ew, ew, fucking EW!

17. Thomas Fucking Sullivan. Oh, the shame and humiliation of maybe selling a 44-bedroom mansion (mansion? That’s a mini-hotel!) to a gay couple, in a state where gay marriage is now legal. But you know what’s even more shameful and humiliating? Having your homophobic (and frankly hypocritical) reason for refusal made public, along with a very incriminating e-mail.

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18. Brian Fucking Kilmeade. Awww, isn’t it touching how he stands up for Twittens — er, I meant Mittens? Threatening the British tabloids, no less! Okay, Brian, that was cute. Now shut the FUX (Snooze) up!

19. Russell Fucking Pearce. Never mind that movie theatres don’t allow guns on the premises. This Minutemoron seriously thinks that if only someone else in the Aurora theatre had been armed and dangerous, that whole mass murder thing wouldn’t have happened. And when he saw how well that WASN’T going down, he deleted it from his Facebook page. But we all know that he’s never gonna really change his tune on guns and the nuts who love them, so one really does wonder what was the fucking point. Because if it’s electability, he no haz it.

20. Kathlyn Fucking Ehl. Shut up and get off the tweeter, you’re too fucking bigoted to live. #idiots #racists #elderabuse

21. Neil Fucking Prescott. Oh look, another Batman-shooting copycat wannabe joins #7. Does anyone need more fucking evidence that US gun culture is out of fucking control?

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22. Aaron Fucking Fruh. There’s not an iota of proof that there even WAS a “Noah’s Ark” flood, much less that same-sex marriage (or even just same-sex diddling) had anything to do with it. But hey, let’s just trot that out to make Chick-Fil-HATE look better, eh?

23. and 24. Ronald William Fucking Brown and Michael Fucking Arnett. Yes, a tag-team pair of wankers. And a good thing they got caught before they carried out the child-abduction and cannibalism they had intended, eh? Oh, and here’s the really rich part: These two call themselves Christians. And one of them has a supremely creepy puppet show on a televangelism channel, devoted (among other things) to teaching kids about the evils of porn. Makes his own possession of kiddie porn more than a little interesting, in light of that.

25. Stephen Fucking Harper. In yet another amusing cronyistic flip-flop, our Dear Leader has appointed his personal photographer to be the official photog of the Canadian Olympic team, above the head of the photojournalist who had originally been slated for the job. And the same goes for his official mouthpiece, Dimitri Fucking Soudas, who has been appointed their press flack. Seems that “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know in the PMO” isn’t just for the Liberals anymore.

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And finally, to those fucking Saudi clerics who just can’t be happy and proud of their country’s female Olympians, and who are busy calling them ugly names instead. Shame on your dirty minds! You guys are stuck in the fucking Middle Ages, and you probably haven’t yet learned that the Earth turns on its axis and revolves around the Sun. Most of the Muslim world thinks you’re mean-spirited gits and full of shit. How funny it will be when you finally get left behind for good. I hope I live to see that day, and that those young women live to see it too. May they dance on your graves.

Good night, and get fucked!

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2 Responses to Wankers of the Week: The Olympigs, part d’oh

  1. thwap says:

    I don’t even want to know what those deluded Saudi clerics are saying. (Especially when you consider that they say nothing about the mega-corrupt, mega-debauched leaders of the House of Saud.)

    As for Santorum, … he’s totally exposed himself as an utter hypocrite. Apparently “Be true to your school” is more important than “Be true to the set of values that you want to impose on everyone else.”

    It’s a pretty exhaustive inquiry into the 14-year career of a guy convicted of 45 counts of child molestation and the institution that helped him perpetuate it. Santorum is trying to do what all right-wing scuzz-balls seem to do. Keep denying, and denying, for years if necessary, until the final word comes out and it’s undeniable and then half the population doesn’t even know what the subject is and the other half are incensed by new outrages.

    • Sabina Becker says:

      Well, given that Santorum, like JoePa, is devoutly Catholic, and both of them seem to have taken their cues from the Vatican, all this sweep-it-under-the-rug should come as no surprise. I predict he’ll go on doing it long after everyone else is forced to accept reality. It’s not as if reality has ever held him back before…

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