Wankers of the Week: The Olympigs

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Originally seen here.

Crappy weekend, everyone! Yes, it’s that time again. The Olympics are upon us, in all their crass commercialized glory. Honestly, those games are so plastered over with corporate logos, it’s a wonder we can still see any athletes. And with all these gold-medal wankers fouling the landscape, it’s a wonder we can see…well, anything at all:

1. Steve Fucking King. Yes, the nuttiest fucking congresscritter in the US is a wanker again this week. This time for saying that birth control is worse than cruelty to animals. A “fact” which I’m sure comes as some surprise to the many vegans using it, out of a humane urge to protect sentient creatures and stop overburdening the Earth with stupid, useless eaters. Like, for instance, Steve Fucking King.

2. Jennifer Fucking Carroll. Pray tell me, madame, what DOES a lesbian look like? Because the last time I looked, all I could see was that they came in all colors, shapes, sizes, ages and styles. The only generalization I could make was that you cannot make any fucking generalizations about lesbians. And if you yourself are in the closet, that’s just sad. Not to mention that it makes that “look like a lesbian” comment look even more fucking stupid than it already does. If you weren’t caught with your pants down, so to speak, with another woman, then simply say “I didn’t do what I am accused of doing”, and move on. Don’t say “I can’t be a lesbian, I don’t look like one”, because there is NO definitive Lesbian Look. Deny (if you can) what you were accused of doing, not what you think you were accused of being.

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3. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. I swear, every week that I include the Pigman on this list, I’m amazed that he’s made it through yet another seven days without throwing that much-anticipated embolus. This week, again, I count myself duly surprised. And more than a little disappointed, truth to tell. But every week, I also remind myself that we are one week closer to hearing the OxyMoron finally having a cerebrovascular incident on the air. That cheers me up no fucking end. PS: Perhaps this will help speed things along? Ha, ha.

4. Jay Fucking Nordlinger. Yet another National Review columnist has let his racism flag fly. This is getting to be something of a pattern. Is it really THAT much of a stretch to surmise that the rag’s entire raison d’être is to justify racism…in socially acceptable pseudo-intellectual terms, of course?

5. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yes, she’s still around. Yes, she’s still annoying. Yes, she’s still frantically waving her pom-poms, trying to get the boys’ attention. No, she’s not going anywhere. Unfortunately. And yes, there is a kitty-cat in another town in Alaska who has done a much longer and better job of mayorin’ than Madame QuitBull ever has or ever will. That’s right, folks, La Palin has been bested by a ginger Stumpy Manx. Which ought to give you some idea of just how smart and talented and worthy she really is for public life. PS: Ms. Manx is smothering giggles behind her paws in the background, and meowing something about how she always knew that stumpy cats ruled.

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6. George Fucking Zimmerman. A long-time sex offender who molested his own cousin for years? Shocked, SHOCKED, I tellz ya. Actually, this is just all the more evidence that he has control and dominance issues. It’s also proof positive that he should never have been allowed to purchase a gun. Most damning of all, though, is the fact that he’s also a racist, as are both of his parents. I’m sure you’re just as surprised to hear that as I was. PS: Oh, FUCK. Now he’s playing dime-store theologian. Either that, or he thinks he’s God. Either way, urghhhhhh.

7. Michelle Fucking Bachmann. Meanwhile, in other crazy tea-granny news, someone likes to play Six Degrees of Separation! Spoiler: the key to her entire schtick is Frank Fucking Gaffney, who apparently writes all the hymnals she sings from. And if you want the key to him, just take whatever he says and rotate it 180 degrees to get to the truth. (You’re welcome!) PS: Ha, ha.

8. William Fucking May. He would deny his daughter a trip to Disney World because she’s not dying of cancer anymore. Oh, and because he wants to get back at his ex and her mother for not letting him see her. With an attitude like THAT, I can’t honestly say I blame them. This one should be nominated for Dickweed Dad of the Year.

9. Anthony Fucking Parri. Oh, what is NOT wank about this one? He molests kids, he indulges his foot fetish in public libraries, he has priors for attempted murder and assault. And, oh yeah: He blames it all on Barack Obama. Must be a teabag!

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10. John Fucking McCain. It’s been a long time since I’ve listed HIM, but what the hey. He’s the one who elevated Sarah Fucking Palin, previously known as Sarah Who?, to worldwide fame and whatever. And now he reveals why: He thought she’d be a better VP candidate than the current presumptive Repug candidate for president. Yeah, I know. Sit back and let that sink in for a good long while, eh?

11. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Still wanking. Not dead yet. Up on civil rights charges, too…AGAIN. Yippee fucking skippy.

12. Rachael Fucking Martin. Some people stole from Barclay’s Bank to live a life of luxury. This one just did it so she could look cheap. Nice work!

13. Chuck Fucking Dixon. Mittens is a real-life Bruce Wayne? Quick, Robin, to the BatShitCrazyMobile with the frightened dog strapped to the roof and crapping itself! (Also, one suspects he would look terrible in tights and damn silly in a mask.)

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14. Rob Fucking Ford. Gang violence is tearing Toronto apart, and what’s Robbo’s solution? NIMBY, basically. Of course, this after budget cuts freezing police hiring, and slashing community services and outreach programs that were aimed at helping at-risk kids stay the fuck out of gangs. How Robbo plans to enforce his NIMBYism, I don’t know. I suspect he doesn’t, either, and is just leaving it up to the next mayor of TO. But can you just imagine if every place where gangs were a problem did this? How would it look if Mexico sent its gangs up to the US, and vice versa? Oh wait, that’s already happening. And we can see just how well that is working out.

15. Cindy Fucking Mejia. Beauty queens are rarely big in the brain department, so perhaps it’s not so surprising that her opinions on gay kids are long on conventional piety and short on reflection. I fail to see exactly how she exemplifies Peruvian beauty, myself, since she’s not indigenous nor does she look it. But homophobic stupidity knows no nationality, and good on Ricky Martin for calling her on it.  

16. Fred Fucking Willard. I’m not so shocked that he was caught wanking — literally! — in a porno theatre. What surprises me is that these joints still exist, and that anyone still feels a need to go there and risk humiliation in a grungy, semi-public venue. Does he not know how to use the Internets? Hmmm. Sez he’s 72. Yeah, I guess he probably doesn’t. Now’s as good a time to learn as any, eh Fred?

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17. Chris Fucking Mazza. Drama queen is dramatic. Also fuzzy on some rather important details, like how much public money he siphoned off through his ORNGE shell corporations. Considering he got pretty fucking rich on that public cash, I suspect he probably knows down to the dime how much he made. And no, you can’t blame the death of your young son for this one.

18. Greg Fucking Peterson. Leave it to the fucking teabaggers of fucking Utah to hire a crazy-eyed fucking rapist as their fundraiser. Somehow, all of that just goes together like sewage, sludge, and stench.

19. Ann Fucking Romney. Awww, isn’t it sweet? She’s defending Mittens and his questionable tax returns. Because the public “doesn’t need to know” just how rich the bastard who wants to rule the US really is, and how much of his ill-gotten wealth is stashed offshore, where the taxman can’t get his hands it. Touching, really.

20. Dan Fucking Cathy. On behalf of all Canadians, let me say how glad I am that there are no Chick-fil-LAME outlets in our home and native land. Where, I might add, abortion is legal no matter what, and same-sex couples can get married, no problemo. (Dan, I hear, is allergic to both.)

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21. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Yo, Louie? Jesus called. He says to stop blaming unbelievers for every bad fucking thing that happens. Also to bust the fucking NRA and put real gun controls in place at the federal level. And for fuck’s sake, NO MORE SHOOTERS. Stop calling for other gunmen in a theatre where there was a clearly posted “no guns” sign on the door. In short, Louie, Jesus says you’re an asshat.

22. Vic Fucking Toews. When even the National Pest‘s Jonathan Kay can’t tell you apart from Ezra Fucking Levant, you have a pretty major credibility problem on your hysterical fascist hands. A reliance on junk science to help build a “case” against Omar Khadr being a pretty major case in point.

23. Mitt Fucking Romney. Those Mittens just keep getting grubbier all the time.

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24. Peter Fucking Penashue. Hey, maybe he should have hit up Dean Fucking Del Mastro for a campaign loan, instead of draining a fund meant to help the Innu with their local development. Ya think?

25. Lenny Fucking Palumbo. Anyone who fears gay hockey players has definite manhood issues. And, that said: This guy really, really fears gay hockey players. Gee, I wonder why.

26. Jason Fucking Kenney. What to do when SupposiTory gun policy comes back to bite? BLAME THE IMMIGRANTS! Because white anglo-Canadians NEVER have gun violence, oh nooooooo. And in other news, did you know that this wanker is also, supposedly, our minister for multiculturalism? It’s true. And a bang-up job he’s doing at it, too.

27. Rick Fucking Warren. Rick, please put on the pointy hat and go join #21 in the theocratic wankers’ corner. Animals don’t own guns, you stupid fuck.

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28. And that goes double for you, Fred Fucking Jackson. Class, repeat after me: God does not work through fucking gun nuts!

29. Alex Fucking Teach. It’s not just bad economic conditions that make for ugly, toothless hookers; it’s a crystal meth epidemic that the police is not doing fuck-all about, OFFICER. PS: Nice fucking Facebook wall pic, TEABAG. And you joke about the Colorado theatre shooting, too? Yeah, that makes you a real fine specimen, yourself. Now put down the fucking Kool-Aid and step away from it nice and slow. PPS: “Janitor of society”? Sounds more like the dregs, actually. Also the reason why “Fuck the Police” is a popular slogan.

30. Michael Fucking Sinclair. A father killing his children so that his estranged wife would never get custody of them is NOT an “altruist”. He is a murderer. How on Earth anyone could impute such a ridiculous motive to a crime, I don’t know. And how someone who draws such conclusions could remain a psychological “expert” just boggles my mind.

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And finally, to the Fucking NRA. When even a fucking dress boutique’s tasteless tweet doesn’t quite hold a candle to yours, it’s time to pack in not only your presence on social media, but on the face of the very Earth. After all, it’s all the lobbying YOU have done on behalf of the highly profitable gun industry that enabled that latest mass shooting in Colorado. YOU have fostered this culture of paranoia and overt racism. YOU are the idiots who keep yammering, yodeling and yawping about black helicopters and the government coming to take away everything while you still have everything, and there’s nary a black chopper in the sky. YOU have pushed this idea that might makes right. YOU are the ones pushing the long-outdated Second Amendment while simultaneously shooting down the other side’s right to use the First as it was meant to be used. For fuck’s sake, people, your country is not some thirteen-colony backwater of the British Empire anymore, and your constitution is not Holy Writ. You don’t need any more so-called militias. You HAVE a well-regulated militia already — it’s called your fucking army, and a goddamned bloody big one it is, too, the most expensive and bloated military in the world. You wanna play with guns? Enlist! You don’t need a bunch of lardy guys who run like pregnant hippos playing toy soldiers in the woods. And yes, that amendment needs to be struck, just like the one prohibiting alcohol was at the end of Prohibition — a time when, ironically, alcoholism became the #1 social problem in the country, along with all the gangsterism that was needed to feed the insatiable addiction to forbidden fruit. THAT wasn’t fucking sacred, was it now? No, it wasn’t, and neither are your fucking guns. Your guns ARE the problem, whether you want to face that fact or not. And no, nobody’s buying your cheap bumper-sticker slogans anymore. Now grow the hell up, people, you’re embarrassing your nation before the entire fucking world.

Good night, and get fucked!

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