Wankers of the Week: Free Pussy (Riot)!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about them Russkies? Imprisoning three harmless punk rockers for wearing neon tights and balaclavas, singing a song critical of ol’ Pooty-Poot and his nekkid man-boobs, and doing the can-can in a cathedral? It’s almost like Soviet times all over again. Only this time, it’s the church persecuting the Bolsheviks. Too bad all the Czars are dead, else the circle would be complete. Everything old is new again, and some things never change. Including the following, several of whom you are surely not seeing here for the first time:

1. Karen Fucking Handel. You know that mean little kid who, as soon as the bullied victims hit back, screams the loudest, so that every adult in earshot thinks that the victim is to blame? This woman was that mean kid. And by the sounds of the petulant title of her parvulum opus, she never grew the fuck up. Here’s hoping that paper turd hits the remainder tables fast and hard.

2. DeWitt R. Fucking Thomas. Since when is racism a religious freedom? Even in Texas, where stupid lies as thick on the ground as meadowmuffins and crazy is as much a part of the landscape as derelict oil wells (if not more so), that excuse won’t fly. And no, you won’t catch the Black just because some “negroidal” dude packed your groceries. It’s not a fucking germ, dumbass.

3. Pamela Fucking Geller. On the other hand, bigotry IS a disease. And this fucking idiotess is doing her best to make sure San Francisco catches it.

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4. Mitt Fucking Romney. Hey everybody, he loves pussy! Ha ha, just kidding. Mittens is anti-choice, and so’s his brand-spanking-new running mate. (Girl cooties — ewwwww.) So, ladies, you don’t have to lock down your genitalia. Your mangoes, on the other hand…

5. Ramesh Fucking Ponnuru. You’re not a working woman. STFU about their so-called “choosing” to earn less. And don’t give me that guff about women not wanting (or worse, not being SUPPOSED to want) equality. Dude, you get paid extra just for having a penis and requiring fewer wardrobe options. You are the beneficiary of institutional sexism, which DOES exist regardless of what stupid shit you say (and, I suspect, BECAUSE of the stupid shit you are PAID by the big whore media to say). Put a fucking dull-colored sock in it already!

6. George Fucking Boedecker. When you’re drunk off your ass at the side of the road and the cops come to bust you, yeah, sure, go ahead and try to talk your way out of it. Forget about that “right to remain silent” thing, as it doesn’t apply to millionaires. But don’t try blaming Taylor Swift, she’s practically shacked up with a Kennedy and you’re old enough to be her father. (Also, your shoes are uglier than shit.)

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7. United Fucking Airlines. Yes, the entire company. Why? Well, if you’ve ever seen The Corporation, you’ll know that US law regards corporations as “persons”. And that the personality of a typical large US corporation, based on its deeds, is that of a psychopath. So, extrapolating from this latest caper, in which an unaccompanied minor was treated with gross irresponsibility, we can logically infer that United Fucking Airlines, which is already known for breaking guitars and kicking dogs, is a really, REALLY massive fucking wanker.

8. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Not only does he advocate kidnapping children of gay parents (to “save” them), he also advocates that kidnappers illegally flee the country. That’s aiding and abetting a crime, as well as vicious hate and bigotry. It’s only a matter of time now before this one is caught buggering a boy.

9. Dave Fucking Mustaine. The only thing dumber than a “massive federal conspiracy” theory about a gun nut’s murderous rampage is the sort of person who believes in such things. Case in point: Homophobe, Santorum endorser, conspiracy whackjob, and douchey disgrace to metalheads everywhere, Dave Fucking Mustaine.

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10. Cliff Fucking Stearns. Oh, delicious irony: the Religious Reich’s point man got elbowed aside by a teabagger who’s even more fucking insane. I would feel sorry for him (and sorrier still for the stupid-ass voters in Florida who elected the teabag), but he’s the guy who started the whole Planned Parenthood/Susan B. Komen Foundation dominoes rolling. And now that he’s dunzo, that “investigation” will likely stall. So I’ll just say So long, Cliff, and don’t let the door hit you where your mama done split you!

11. Barry Fucking Cooper. Endangered animals and global warming are figments of the imagination, but “rich hippies” who ruined Alberta’s big crapitalistic dreams are real? So says this Cowgary poli-sci prof, who apparently indulges in some mighty fine figments of his own. Like, for example, the idea that a tar-sand pipeline through the rockies wouldn’t leak and poison every fucking thing downstream, thus leaving all of BC — “rich hippies” and otherwise — unfit for any life form, real (like the endangered animals) or imaginary (like capitalists who actually give a fuck).

12. Donald Fucking Trump. Rich bitch, please. Even the Repugs are groaning at your latest — and LAMEST — stunt. Go the fuck away!

13. Stephen Fucking Baldwin. And in other lame-stunt news, the lamest Baldwin Brother is talking out of both sides of his mouth. AGAIN. But hey, he’s right about one thing: politics IS a nasty business. Thanks in no small part to the likes of him, of course.

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14. Pat Fucking Robertson. This week, Patwa doesn’t want to see disadvantaged kids adopted, because they’ll grow up “weird” (so he says). And this is a reflection on their adopters HOW? I’d say such sentiments are more of a reflection on Patwa…and not a good one, either. Some man of God HE turned out to be!

15. Tony Fucking Perkins. How best to deflect criticism of your hatemongering? Point the finger at the critics and call THEM hatemongers, killers, etc. Yeah, that’ll work.

16. Andrew Fucking Shirvell. He stalked and hounded a gay man on his hate-filled blog, photoshopping pictures of him next to a Nazi swastika (pot, say hi to kettle!), calling him “too radical” for putting forward a very un-radical proposal (gender-neutral student housing), and now he claims he “had no hate” in his heart? Yeah, he’s about as sincere as a three-dollar bill.

17. John Fucking Boehner. It’s been a while since I’ve listed the orange-skinned Weeper of the House. But this week, Boner finally managed to worm his way back into my bad books by praising Paul Fucking Ryan with faint damns. Then he promptly started blubbering, and big orange tears started to roll down his cheddar-colored cheeks.

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18. And speaking of Paul Fucking Ryan, how do you like Mittens’ new running mate? I think they go together just fine…both being flipflopping hypocrites to the fucking max. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: And if you’re gonna go around screwing seniors, leave your mother out of it.

19. Rick Fucking Santorum. Meanwhile, in the Land of Failed Presidential Precandidates, a sulky, pouty little ne’er-do-well, whose name is now synonymous with the ooze that follows anal sex, has crowned himself pope and declared the practice of holding private insurers responsible for full coverage to be a sin. The habemus novem papem signal, in his case, is not black smoke or white from the Vatican chimney, but just a big gust of hot sticky air emanating from his quivering lips.

20. Vic Fucking Toews. Some Minister of Public Safety he is, if he can’t — or rather, won’t — attend a forum on the matter, simply because it’s being held by unions. Public safety clearly takes a backseat to right-wing ideology where Icky Vic is concerned. And if he’s appointed judge in Saskatchewan, as some anticipate, don’t anyone look for real justice from him. He wouldn’t know it if it leapt up and bit him on his adulterous crotch.

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21. Tim Fucking Hudak. Elsewhere in union-busting and ideological stupidity, the unprogressive Conservative leader of Ontario is trying to “modernize” the workplace…by scrapping whatever benefits unionized workers worked hard to give us all, early in the modern era. Thus decimating the middle class, and sweeping us all back to the Gilded Age of Robber Barons. With Labor Day just around the corner (a holiday, incidentally, first celebrated right here in Ontario!), the irony of all that naturally escapes him. As does the fact that, as the son of two teachers, he is a direct beneficiary of union-scale wages. Ooooooooo, more irony!

22. Alice Fucking Cooper. Yes, this makes two metalheads in this week’s wankapedia. The genre is clearly on the decline when these aging (and apparently, senile) guys are all getting born-again, supporting Dubya (WTF???) and joining the Teabagger Party. Kiddies, stay away from drugs; do you need more graphic evidence that they rot your brain over time? And of all the people to NOT take job-search advice from, this one surely takes the biscuit. Hey Stoopid, don’t write any more op-eds. For EVER.

23. Joshua Fucking Treviño. Remember the Gaza Flotilla? Remember the vile death threats levelled by Israel and its supporters against those peace activists, many of whom happened to be Jewish? I do, like it was yesterday, because I got pro-IDF assholes on here wishing ME death, too. But apparently some fucking idiot at the Fucking UK Guardian does not, because they hired this vile little troll who openly tweeted that it was all right by him if innocent people got killed. No doubt in an effort to look more pro-something. Pro-what? Your guess is as good as mine. This guy is a slimy opportunist. He’s not pro-anything, except maybe pro-MURDER.

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24. Fucking NBC. First they fucked up the Olympics coverage (cutting out a terrific, surreal Kate Bush song from the closing ceremonies? Unforgivable!) Now, they’re planning to air a “reality” show glorifying war, and showing celebrities (or whatever passes for such nowadays, which, believe me, is not saying much) “earning stripes” playing army. At this rate, the network will be no better than FUX Snooze, and it’s already only slightly better at the best of times. Is this a race to the bottom, or what?

25. Coley Fucking Mitchell. Srsly, dude, you’re just lucky none of those monkeys you got naked and drunk with decided to mistake your dick for a banana.

26. Phill Fucking Kline. This is the way the crusade against Planned Parenthood (and other abortion providers in Kansas) ends: Not with a bang, but a whimper. The fact that it began in the first place is the wank; even if the case was unwinnable, Smear Job Accomplished!

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And finally, to the Fucking Russian Orthodox Church. First Pussy Riot are “hooligans”, and now that three of them have been sentenced to two years’ imprisonment, they’re forgiven? My, how Christian of you. I guess that if they got sent to Siberia and died of cold and hunger there, they’d be instant martyrs. Whatever happened to turning the other fucking cheek? Oh yeah, that’s what Jesus said to do. But that’s not what the Czar’s spiritual shock troops do, is it? Nooooo, it isn’t. This is the same Orthodox band of brigands who gave the world a very interesting Russian word: POGROM. And now that you’ve run out of Jews to persecute in Russia, you’ve set your sights on a bunch of harmless women who dare to exercise a little glasnost without your authorization? Let it never be said that Stalin truly died. Seems to me that he’s been reborn…in the shape of some patriarchs who will never accept gender equality, freedom of speech, or anything smacking too strongly of real reform. It’s almost enough to make one wish that Russia would try communism again…and this time, for realz.

Good night, and get fucked!

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8 Responses to Wankers of the Week: Free Pussy (Riot)!

  1. The State Department threatened Russia recently over their support for Syrian peace. The transformation of Pussy Riot into folk heroes is a part of the controlled media’s contribution. People have fallen for it big time.

    • Sabina Becker says:

      Unless Pussy Riot has said something specific about Syria (have they? I don’t speak Russian, so I wouldn’t know), I fail to see exactly how this ties in. In any case, the draconian attitudes of Putin and the church against Russian women, LGBTs, etc. have nothing to do with Syria. And protesting against those attitudes has nothing to do with Syria, either. Not everything that makes the news is a conspiracy or a distraction. Actually, the media have been way behind the curve on this one; I’ve been hearing about Pussy Riot for months on Facebook already.

      • If they’re not connected why are you responding with a reasonably well thought out response? Either your point is concrete or it isn’t it.

        My point isn’t anti expression/Pussy riots. I’m just sharing how media works. This is State Department sanctioned propaganda and it will be a dead story in a couple of weeks.

        Meanwhile Bradley Manning suffers and Julian Assange is a refugee. These are real stories and we can come back in a couple of weeks and observe how much media exposure this Pussy Riot story is getting. There’s no rush to prove my point and I can back up my propaganda claims extensively.

        • Sabina Becker says:

          Well, if my response is well thought out, it’s because I try to think things through, and not just knee-jerk it with a singular theory of everything. I try to tailor my views to my observations, rather than the other way around. It’s very tempting to view all things through the same lens, but very dangerous. I don’t doubt that there are plenty of real conspiracies, but I don’t believe everything is one, either. I try to keep both lenses firmly in my glasses, in other words.

          I know how the media works; I studied journalism and I criticize it here on a regular basis for failing to do its proper duty. And if the story dies in a few weeks, it’s because of the nature of the news cycle: If there’s nothing new and significant for news outlets to report, it will fall off the radar for everyone but the most dedicated activists. Pussy Riot made the news this week because that’s when they got sentenced to jail, although activists have been on their story this entire time. And if that sentence is not overturned or commuted, or if no word gets out that they were abused in jail, this is the last we’ll hear until they’re out again. Nothing particularly propagandic about that; it’s a simple case of “If it bleeds, it leads”. All media are guilty of sensationalism to some extent, and tend to prefer it over nuance simply because it grabs more eyeballs. More eyeballs = more money. Capitalism corrupts journalism absolutely, even when no partisan politic seems to be involved.

          That’s not to say that you don’t have a valid general point about propaganda in the media. It does happen a lot, and the State Dept. does indeed plant stories from time to time. (The CIA never stopped “liaising” with the big news outlets, either. At times their coverage of “enemy” leaders makes me think of Pravda in reverse.) There’s enough real news in there to keep people watching, and enough false news to keep them stupid. A disheartening situation either way, because it ensures that no one who is overly tied to the major media will ever be properly informed. At best, they will be addicted.

          Meanwhile, I’m hoping that Julian Assange finally gets out, and that Bradley Manning gets his day in court. Since neither of those have happened yet, neither story will make the news. But when they do, they will; it’s only when something gets too big to ignore that “they” stop ignoring it. The thing I’ve observed most about the media is that if nothing BIG is happening, it’s as though nothing were happening at all. Groundswells don’t get reported, but landslides do. And sometimes even a landslide gets swept under the rug, if it is in someone’s powerful or moneyed interest to do so. All we can do is keep watching, eh?

          • I didn’t explain myself clearly.

            If my position is negated by your assertion that my view is a non sequitur disconnected and so forth then it’s enough to point out that fact. But then to go on and address my concerns adds credence to my view.

            I’m trying to saying brevity is the answer if my view is unconnected.

            Anyway, I went for a walk and I realised that I think Pussy Riot is a good thing for people like say Assange and Nabeel Rajab of Bahrain who just got three years for saying innocuous things about human rights in Bahrain and is completely ignored. I think Pussy Riot is a valve for what people really think about freedom and so the long term effect will be good.

            Keep up the good work. I totally enjoyed reading your post and changed my view on things which I always welcome.

  2. big orange tears started to roll down his cheddar-colored cheeks. – you write funny. That made me laugh.

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