Wankers of the Week: LollapaLOSERS

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, the Olympics are just about over, but mega-music-festival season is revving into high gear. And if all that bores you, maybe you should just be thankful that you’re not being “entertained” by any of the following:

1. Liz Fucking Trotta. Jeez, Ms. Twatta — if you love Mittens so much, why don’t you marry him? Oh yeah…he already has a wife. Who is apparently just as big of a twit as you. But she’s a much richer twit, onaccounta she got there first. And she got there first because she was already a rich bitch to begin with. Her attitude is pure “Let them eat cake”. So, you’re envious…and you’re projecting your envy on all those other women journalists, who all happen to do better work than you? Makes sense. I seem to recall you used to be somebody before you started working for FUX.

2. Pat Fucking Robertson. Uh, Patwa? Sikhs aren’t atheists, and they didn’t get shot because they “hate God”. And the last time I looked, most of these US neo-Nazi skins who want to kill anyone who’s not one of them were not atheists, either. They’re lousy fucking humanity-hating fake Christians, like YOU. And your opportunism is frankly fucking disgusting.

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3. Michael Fucking Leisner. Oh, if only ALL bigots could set fire to themselves while engaging in demonstrations of their bigotry. And, not to cast aspersions or anything, but…oh, what the hell. He makes my gaydar go boop boop boop! Which just makes his whole demonstration kind of a “Bitch, PLEASE” moment, don’tcha think?

4. Ashley Fucking Gill-Webb. Nothing you say, do, or toss can stop the World’s Fastest Man from winning his race AND setting a new world record, you drunken fucking tosser. Also, how do you like getting beaten up by a Dutch lady judoka?

5. Kanye Fucking West. Look, I get it that in some circles, bitch = girlfriend. (Or fucktoy.) But in the case of Kim Fucking Kardashian, I think it’s better to stick with the original derogatory meaning. Either way, is that vain, empty-skulled twit worth a song, even one so ineptly titled? Given the subject matter, I think it’s safe to say that said song will suck.

6. The Fucking Phelps KKKlan. Yes, all of them. Why?

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That’s why. They’re praising God for “sending” a fucking neo-Nazi to kill Sikhs, people. I think they’ve pretty much let us know that they consider Adolf Hitler to be the Second Coming of Christ. Also, they are assholes, pure and simple.

7. John Fucking Schnatter. Oh great, another crap-food chain to boycott — Papa John’s Pizza. Add them to Domino’s and Chick-fil-A. They’re planning to pass on Obamacare costs to the consumer to protect their fucking shareholders, so go on, people, and don’t eat pizza. Make those fucking shareholders SCREAM!

8. Sarah Fucking Palin. You are NOT Supergirl. In fact, you’re not a super-anything, except maybe a super-idiotess. As evidenced by those tackissimo shoes.

9. Conrad Fucking Slimak. Trying to steal an 11-year-old girl’s beachball at Lollapalooza, and then punching her when she won’t hand it over? Dude has a great future as a right-wing politician, is all I can say.

10. Mitt Fucking Romney. Yo, Mittens? It’s SIKH, not “sheikh”. And learn to apologize for your mistakes, you look like a fucking autocrat already. And at least as stupid as Dubya, if not more so. PS: Covering up the blood on your hands won’t make it go away, either. PPS: Ha, ha.

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11. Jim Fucking Roddey. Obama supporters are not “retarded”. But your calling them that, even in unfunny “jest”? Mentally challenged, to say the least. Maybe YOU should start putting a disabled sticker on your minivan, old man.

12. Walt Fucking Wawra. Lemme see if I got this straight: You wanted to pull a gun on two guys (turns out they were promoters) just because they asked you if you’d been to the Calgary Stampede yet? And you were miffed because you couldn’t bring your gun (and your moronic gun culture) into Canada? Oh, you poor baby. Let me hand you a whole box of Kleenex. Stay the fuck out of our country from now on, ‘kay?

13. and 14. Sheldon Fucking Adelson and Alan Fucking Dershowitz. The former for being a sue-happy yutz, and the latter for being a waaaaambulance-chaser. And I wouldn’t put it past either of them to be living off the avails of prostitution in Macau.

15. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Hardly a week goes by that he doesn’t wank, but this week it’s a real doozer. Seriously talking about bducting children of gay parents to “save” them from all that love and excellent child-rearing, just in the name of furthering a crap ideology based on superstition, hate and lies? And calling it an “Underground Railroad”? I hope some descendant of escaped slaves bitch-slaps him straight into the next century for that.

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16. Joe Fucking Walsh. There goes the neighborhood — Joey-boy wanked again. He really needs to get a life himself. And stop being such a bigoted, racist little piece of shit. Otherwise, his career will hit the Rocky Mountain Way.

17. Larry Fucking Craig. That “wide stance” just keeps getting wider. Now the closet case is claiming that his airport bathroom come-ons were “official business”? More like disturbing the other guy who was just minding his own business. And is anyone surprised that Wide Stance Larry misspent over $200,000 in campaign money on his legal defence for that, too? No? All righty then. Toilet cruising is now Official Business, y’all.

18. Bobby Fucking Jindal. Here’s an idea unlikely to be endorsed or pursued by the governor of Louisiana: Spending public school money on public schools that teach actual facts and don’t discriminate, instead of wack-ass charter schools that teach bunkum and force girls to get pregnancy tests (and expel them if the test result shows positive).

19. William Fucking Jenkins. Worst son in the world? Yeah, I’d say anyone who rubs freshly laid dog shit in his own mother’s face just for not giving him vodka is a strong candidate for the title.

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20. Marc Fucking Smirnoff. Speaking of vodka, this former magazine-editin’ dude’s name is full of it…and apparently, so’s his brain. Sexually harassing an intern (who is still in her teens, ahem, and 30 years his junior!) and then claiming it was all “nonsexual” or “acceptable to her in that moment” and expecting others to believe it? You’d have to be drunk off your fucking ass.

21. Grover Fucking Norquist. Well, at least Bathtub Boy is honest about why the teabags chose Mittens. They want a puppet who will rubber-stamp their “already prepared” legislation. Is there any better reason NOT to vote for him than that?

22. Michael Fucking Coren. Once again, Canada’s Oldest Neo-Nazi Skinhead shows his style and wit and class…by trashing Jack Layton, who can’t defend himself onaccounta he’s been dead for a year. And projecting his own mediocrities onto him. Charming!

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And finally, to Larry Fucking Klayman’s little sockpuppet on the tweeter, who called me an “anti-human rights activist”. Well, you know what they say…to be damned by the devil is to be truly blessed. And goddamn it, I’m blessed, all right. Blessed with the sense to know a good president (Chavecito) when I see one, and also a shitty shyster who never misses an opportunity to make an ass of himself. Like, oh, say, Larry Fucking Klayman, about whom nobody would give a damn if nobody made fun of him. (You’re welcome, Larry! And please, keep wanking!)

Good night, and get fucked!

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