Wankers of the Week: The Summer of Hate

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Love this logo parody graphic by my good friend, Dave Ward.

Crappy weekend, everyone! So, how are you enjoying the August long weekend? Hope you’re not eating fried chicken from any place that deals in homophobia and misogyny. And whatever you’re eating, I hope you can hold it down as I share with you all the people who made my stomach queasy this week, in no particular order:

1. Charles Fucking Murray. Somehow, it doesn’t surprise me that a crapaganda rag like the Wall Street Urinal would hire a white supremacist to write crapologia for crapitalism. But what does surprise me is that they consider something that reads like a parody of a self-righteous sixth-grader’s class essay publishable. Obviously, the capitalist problem goes much deeper than mere image. But if its image sucks, just remember what Marshall McLuhan said: The medium is the message.

2. William Fucking Koberna. Threatening to shoot up any place is bad. Doing so in the wake of a gun rampage that killed 12 and injured dozens more is worse. Worst of all, though, is threatening to shoot up Kent State. Hasn’t that place seen quite enough shooting already?

3. Rob Fucking Ford. Is there ever a week when he doesn’t wank? Most of us would be jumping for joy if we got not only free tickets to the CNE, but free ride passes, AND free parking passes. The last thing we’d be doing is cutting them up to show off what cheap-asses we are.

4. Ann Fucking Romney. Why?

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That’s why. (I especially love that “you people” bit. I can just imagine the sneer with which she uttered it.) PS: But wait! There’s more!

5. Ikram Fucking Choudhury. Kiddies, take note: If you happen across an accident victim by the roadside and you happen to have a phone in your hand, you do NOT take pictures and upload them to Twitter with ridiculous descriptions; you either put that phone away and give first aid, or turn it on and call for help. Thanks to this dude’s stoopid, a man is dead, and he’s now the subject of a lot of head-shaking and face-palming. Don’t be this guy!

6. Michel Morganella. Talk about a Swiss miss! This Olympic soccer player and his mohawk got kicked off the team after intimating (via the tweeter) that the South Koreans all had Down Syndrome. This after the Koreans beat Switzerland 2-1. Whatever happened to that fabled Swiss neutrality? Or is that just a euphemism for “looking the other way while international high finance robs the common people blind”?

7. Courtney Fucking Stodden. I thought I told you to go away. What are you still doing in the public eye? Oh, I see…making an ass of yourself by taping a “reality” show, minus reality (and apparently, any takers). A foregone conclusion. The “go away” still stands! PS: Oops, I stand corrected. Sorta.

8. Lowell Fucking Turpin. It’s kind of hard to see anyone seriously feeling threatened by a picture of Mittens on his girlfriend’s Facebook page, but if you look at the picture of this dude on that news page, you might suddenly get the picture.

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9. Dick Fucking Cheney. Like #7, this one needs to go away. Just…go…the fuck…AWAY.

10. Rogelio Fucking Harris. I always secretly thought that all those sugary candy bars were laced with crack. I was wrong. It’s fucking METH!

11. Steve Fucking King. Poor oppressed dogfighters, what would they do without this assclown in their corner? Imagine not being able to practice wanton cruelty to animals for fun and profit. How unAmerican is THAT?

12. Carole Fucking Lokan-Moore. My best friend tipped me off on Monday about her bizarre and hateful Facebook activity. Looks like she’s been awfully busy with that hatemongering shit. Someone please tell Grandma that your mistakes live forever on the Internets!

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13. Mitt Fucking Romney. Can somebody please tell me why the hell he’s on a world tour? Shouldn’t he save that for AFTER the unlikely event that he becomes president? I mean, it’s been nothing but shambolic for Mittens so far. And in any event, the world’s not voting for him, and wouldn’t even if it could. Quit while you’re ahead, Willard, and save what’s left of your face!

13 1/2. Rick Fucking Gorka. He’s just one reason among the many that Mittens has had such a stellar week of wankitude. Give it up for him and kiss his holy fucking ass, folks!

14. Kevin Fucking Swanson. You know the Religious Reich is on the ropes when it starts picking on the Muppets, instead of any actual people, to further its homophobic agenda. They are now reduced to defending crappy fast food joints, kiddies. The End Is Nigh!

15. Jim Fucking Furmen. Why anyone would “stand with” a rival purveyor of greasy junk food is beyond me. But I guess homophobia and christofascism have their “reasons”, whereof reason knows nought.

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16. Michele Fucking Bachmann. So, she joined the Repugs because of the late, great Gore Vidal’s nasty, “snotty, mocking attitude”? Well, butter my butt and call me a fucking biscuit. And here I thought it was because she is just such a lying, stupid fucking idiot! Oh wait…it IS that, isn’t it? PS: Ha, ha. She goes with Chick-fil-Hate and garbage cans, just like their chicken sandwiches and waffle fries go with pickle chips.

17. Sarah Fucking Palin. The Courtney Fucking Stodden of politics, she just does not want to sit her ass down, shut the fuck up and go the hell away. Not even when it’s in her own best interests to do just that. But hey! Between her and The Big Dick, it’s one battle royal of wits, innit?

18. Mike Fucking Lee. What has abortion to do with online security? Not a fucking thing. But that’s never stopped a fanatical anti-choice asshat yet. If they can’t pass their shitty legislation one way, they just try to sneak it in the back door. Kind of like what people did in the olden days to avoid getting pregnant, only with considerably less finesse.

19. Mike Fucking Huckabee. While the dieting former governor of Alabama was out touchingly shilling his newly skinny ass off for fried chicken that would have caused him to gain it all back with interest, LGBTs and their equal-marriage allies were out same-sex kissing in front of every Chick-fil-Hate that they could find. Half a million supporters for an unpopular idea is still half a million fucking losers, Hucky Fudd. PS: Ha, ha.

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20. Mike Fucking Kelly. What does free birth control have to do with terror attacks and acts of war? Not a fucking thing. Unless, of course, you’re a gross old git who’s obviously not gettin’ any.

21. Pat Fucking Robertson. So, gays are making bigots “feel unwelcome”? Poor widdle bigots. Boo fucking hoo. It’s about time they got an idea of what it’s like, eh? And yeah, I’m glad Patwa feels uncomfortable for a change. I hope it never ends. May he die of his discomfiture!

22. Brandon Fucking Wade. Yes, the Godfather of Mercenary Cyberdating is at it again. This time, trying to capitalize on the Aurora theatre shooting to promote a “dating” website on which women are literally for sale, priced out like human merchandise. Only, of course, it makes the buying men out to be “generous” and “chivalrous”. If this is anyone’s actual idea of chivalry, give me fucking barbarism. Or better still, a fate worse than death.

23. Avi Fucking Benlolo. So, a walk for Palestinian freedom will automatically give rise to antisemitism and hate? Um, the Palestinians are Semites. And there is plenty of antisemitic hate at pro-Israel rallies, too — not that the media will ever pick up on THAT. Just as they can’t admit that the Simon Wiesenthalers have outlived their original purpose and are now grasping at straws to remain somehow relevant. And oh, let us never mention how many actual old Nazis have slipped rather blatantly through their fingers. That is fucking taboo.

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24. Richard Fucking Land. Finally, after 25 years of bigotry, backwardness and bringin’-disgrace-upon-the-church, the head of the Southern Baptist convention has seen the light and announced his resignation. Why is this a wank? Because it took him 25 fucking years, duh.

25. Jeff Fucking Duncan. Wow. Who knew that hate could make chicken taste better?

26. Todd Fucking Starnes. Hey, FUX Snooze asswipe, ever consider how may of those “heterophobic bigots” you’re slamming for their refusal to buy crappy chicken sandwiches are actually, you know, STRAIGHT? No, of course not. Because if you actually dealt in facts, you wouldn’t be on FUX.

27. Cameron Fucking Jankowski. While Taco Bell food is undeniably crappy, pissing on it to make yourself seem badass just makes you seem, well, ass-bad. Good luck finding another job, pissboy.

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28. and 29. Renée and Scott Fucking Baio. So, they like grody fried chicken with a side order of nauseating bigotry. Given that they once referred to lesbians as “shitasses”, this comes as a surprise to precisely no one.

30. Walton Henry Fucking Butler. It’s okay, everybody, he didn’t shoot a man in the head. Just 3/5 of a man! And he used the n-word to describe said three-fifths-man, too. That means he should totally get off being charged with attempted murder and hate crimes, right?

31. Jenna Fucking Jameson. While I appreciate her bluntness about Repugs being the party of the rich and tax-avoidant, I find it hilariously ironic that thanks to her, they’re now also, quite frankly, the party of the fake and sleazy. I’m sure the Religious Reich loves her, too…albeit secretly, and only while they fap!

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32. Ann Fucking Coulter. John Kerry isn’t running for president this time around, but that doesn’t stop the Coultergeist from (a) breaking out the ridiculous insults (oh, like Repug women don’t prostitute themselves in marriage — or in her case, the media?) and (b) being eight whole fucking years behind the times. Really, folks, that’s how long it’s been since she last updated her stand-up comedy material. No wonder she bombs!

33. John Fucking Ellis. And while we’re on the subject of blasts from the past, how about Dubya’s cousin who works for FUX Snooze, and who helped him fix the Florida elections, in which black voters were disenfranchised? And who helped talk up his cousin’s disastrous oil wars, too? What better person, in other words, to claim Obama is waging chemical warfare against WHITE voters?

34. Antonin Fucking Scalia. And while we’re on the subject of BushCo enablers, how about him? He thinks women have no constitutional right to birth control, abortion, or bodily privacy. Funny, but I do believe that’s covered under “Liberty”, and also “Pursuit of Happiness”. And “Life”, too, if a woman’s well-being depends on the availability of safe, legal abortions. And that it’s high time this judicial mafioso recused himself for good.

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35. Steven Fucking Crowder. I never heard of this so-called comedian until now, but he made me laugh by saying that liberals in the Occupy movement “maim and rape”. O RLY? And what were BushCo’s wars all about, Stevie? Liberalism? Not even hardly. But hey, let’s give him some credit; he also told an ugly truth when he said that conservatards vote with their dollars. Yeah, and you know what? That’s called PLUTOCRACY, and it’s the furthest thing from democracy there is. If you think money = speech, then you don’t know jack shit about freedom. But you can be bought and mentally enslaved, and apparently, Stevie already has. How else to explain how he became such a rancid apologist for plutocratic christofascism?

36. Al Fucking Monaco. Oh goodie gumdrops, finally a homegrown wanker for this Yank-heavy list. Yeah, how about that nice, safe Enbridge pipeline that gunked up the Kalamazoo River? I guess the Michiganders are relieved to find out that this sort of thing never happens. Only, of course, when it happens all the fucking time.

37. Justiin Fucking Bieber. No, Natives do NOT get free gas for their cars. But thanks for spreading yet another stupid, racist myth, Biebs. Whatever tiny percentage of you is aboriginal, it’s obviously not enough to free you from that. Also, facepalm. Coming from someone whose hairstyle looks like the fucking Nike Swoosh, that’s REALLY not cricket.

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38. Ron Fucking Williams. So, mayors who think their cities should be free from Chick-fil-Hate should be removed by military coup and/or shot? There is no other way to interpret his incredibly stupid fascist ramblings about the First Amendment (which does not cover the right to open crappy chicken sandwich franchises; that is merely a privilege) and the Second (guns as the answer to all speech you don’t like, including “No fucking Chick-fil-A in our town”). Just one more example of how Libertarians don’t care about real freedom, only the “right” to hate and kill whomever they wish. (And no, I don’t for one instant believe his “reminder” excuses, either. What the fuck is a “reminder” of the Second Amendment, other than an assassination threat?)

39. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Another week, another quasi-religious wank from Gomer. I fail to see how forcing insurance companies to actually give their female clients some bang for the buck, in the form of birth control without co-pays, is getting in the way of anyone taking a wafer on his tongue and pretending it’s the actual flesh of Jeebus. There are plenty of good Catholic women on the Pill, and plenty of equally good Catholic priests who know it and won’t excommunicate them. Also, Ben Franklin was a Deist, and they were NOT big on the “power of prayer”. And if he were alive, he’d bitch-slap Louie straight into the next damn century for that.

40. Foster Fucking Friess. Ol’ Foot-in-the-Mouth has just kicked himself in the teeth again. I realize that deer and swans are lovely, but is it really a contest between them and us ladies? Jeezus.

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And finally, to all those who like to support hate when they buy crappy chicken sandwiches. There really isn’t much to say to you except that history is gonna fuck your collective ass SO HARD. As it stands, you all look like fucking idiots already.

Goodnight, and get fucked!

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