Wankers of the Week: Aborting the idiocy

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that M-312 fiasco? Wasn’t it fun when the House of Commons voted by more than 2 to 1 to NOT to waste time and taxpayers’ money on a “debate” about what is, in fact, settled law? I know that several of my friends, both on the Internets and out in the Real World, were on tenterhooks about that. While THAT pile of shit has been mucked out, there’s another one aborning. It’s almost enough to make one wish for post-partum abortions. And here are this week’s collection of people who made ME wish that, in no particular order:

1. Sylvia Fucking Stead. It’s bad enough that Margaret Fucking Wente has been getting away with plagiarism (and lazy dreck-writing) for years; it’s absolutely inexcusable that her editors, of which Stead is one, should (a) let it slide, and (b) go on the attack against a not-exactly-nameless critic who’s been doing yeoman’s work in reading Wente’s drivel and pointing out just how much of it isn’t actually her own words. Stead has done both. I can hardly wait to hear her excuses. (I am not, however, holding my breath for Wente to be fired, even if she does richly deserve it. It’s pretty obvious that the Grope & Flail is keeping her on for the sake of ad revenues and eyeballs on her page, even if they DO come largely from hate-readers.)

2. and 3. Rob and Doug Fucking Ford. Yeah, Robbo and Dougie, alienating one of your increasingly few sympathetic outlets in the media is a great strategy! Heck, why not alienate them all? What could possibly go wrong, other than the next election — in which, I presume, you WILL be participating?

4. Ann Fucking Romney. Actually, dear, your horse has more class in its hindquarters than you do in your entire carcass. (Better teeth, too.)

5. Mitt Fucking Romney. There’s a reason why airplane windows never open. Actually, there are several. Just be thankful that defenestration isn’t an option on your private jet, ‘kay?

6. Mary Fucking Franson. Bigotry is “normal behavior”, but homosexuality is not. And she doesn’t want kids being taught any differently than her own prejudices dictate. Therefore, Minnesota MUST have a totally unnecessary constitutional amendment enshrining bigotry, to preserve the sanctity of marriage! I’m guessing she was once one of those schoolyard bullies that I’m still itching to pound the living shit out of.

7. Margaret Fucking Wente. Congratulations, Mags, your scandal’s gone international! Couldn’t have happened to a nicer fucking plagiarist. Or a more brazen issuer of non-apology apologies and bemoaner of faux victimhood. PS: And if you think Monsanto’s “Golden” rice is such a great nutritional panacea, YOU can eat it.

8. Park Fucking Geun-Hye. I’m sorry, but to hear a dictator’s daughter, now the head of Korea’s conservative party, talking about the virtues of democracy, just about made me lose my kimchi. The greatest virtue of democracy, from where I sit, is that the common people don’t have to fall for such lines. Or elect the people who utter them.

9. Jason Fucking Kenney. Riddle me this: What does a guy who’s never had sex (so he says) and with whom no self-respecting person would ever WANT to have sex (so we know) vote for when it comes down to abortion rights? Naturally, he’s gonna vote against the personhood of all the women (and gay men) who will never, EVER have sex with him. PS: Your e-mail. It is a wet fart of crapaganda. Do NOT want! PPS: Shame on the Grauniad for publishing this disingenuous drivel. If we live in the greatest country in the world, it’s not because of YOU, Jason, you fucking turd. It is a great country in SPITE of you, as the failure of M312 proves. But hey, you go right on spluttering that wet smelly stuff, and we’ll go right on laughing in your piggy little face. Crapaganda is free! PPPS: Care to explain this, Jason? No? I’m shocked. SHOCKED, I tellz ya.

10. Rob Fucking Anders. Looks like Sleepyhead is also voting against women. Guess he’s not gettin’ any. Doesn’t surprise me; I hear that impotence is a common side effect of narcolepsy.

11. Mark Fucking Warawa. Never heard of him before, but he’s apparently with #s 9 and 10. Another one whose sex life you seriously have to question, in other words. PS: Well, looky here. Fucking motherfucker is looking to make a name for himself now! He wants a medal from the Queen, ha, ha. And he’s using the good ol’ bogus sex selection canard to sneak anti-choice legislation in through the back alley. FAIL, motherfucker, FAIL!

12. Dean Fucking Del Mastro. Ditto #s 9 through 11, with a side order of “wanker’s wanker”.

13. Rona Fucking Ambrose. What the fuck is she still doing as minister for Status of Women? Oh yeah…foisting the covert Harper Government™ agenda on women. Sadly, she’s likely to get promoted, not resign or be fired. SupposiTories only fall UP, don’tcha know? PS: Ha, ha. PPS: And now we know why she voted the way she did. She’s setting the stage for the next SupposiTory anti-choice grab: sex-selective abortion!

14. Rick Fucking Santorum. Moving south of the border for a moment: Icky Ricky thinks rape victims should just make lemonade. Meaning BABIES. Of course. See, people, this is what we’re up against up here, too: religiously motivated insanity trying to make our laws. And trying to make those laws stick like crazy glue to the walls of women’s uteri.

15. Pamela Fucking Hall. Congratulations! You’ve been schooled by no less than Mona Eltahawy on the meaning of free speech. Looks good on ya. (As does a smidgen of that pink spray paint Mona was wielding.)

16. Stephen Fucking Harper. All righty then. Moving back up here, ShitHead has been given a “Statesman of the Year” award by some organization that obviously has no fucking clue who it’s dealing with. But all is not total gloom ‘n’ doom; he’s also a recipient of the first-ever Richard Nixon Prize. I’ll leave it to you to click the link and find out what that entails.

17. Francisco Fucking Toro. Hark! What’s that I hear from the Grauniad? A bleat of desperation as the October 7 presidential election nears in Venezuela, and Chavecito is all set to win again? Why yes, it is. And it’s some fool who thinks he’s predicting a huge victory for an oppo candidate who may have slick slogans, but who literally has no base. Awwwww, my heart just went smashy-smashy!

18. Ann Fucking Coulter. Oh look, the Coultergeist has a new toilet roll out. Does anyone care? No, but Whoopi Goldberg just called a spade a fucking shovel, so good for her.

19. Charles Fucking McVety. Woop woop woop! Sorry, that was my gaydar. It goes off every time I hear him prattle his homophobic hypocrisy. Chuckles, bitch, PLEASE…no one is fooled. If you want to stick zucchini up your bum, or have some other dude to it to you, go right ahead. But stop projecting, for the love of God.

20. Josef Fucking Ratzinger. Pope Palpatine has decided that same-sex marriage must not happen in France because gays are “not fully developed” human beings. Does this mean it’s okay to abort a gay fetus, then? (Or, horrifically: that it’s okay to kill gays, because like fetuses, they’re “not fully developed”?) And if it’s really about “protecting marriage and the family” (from WHAT?), then what on earth would His Unholiness say to the recent news that Jesus was married? Isn’t the papacy kind of anti-marriage (for reasons of wealth), come to think of it? Anyhow, good luck trying to stop in France what you couldn’t stop in Canada. Someone recently joked that the only real Catholics left there were the priests and bishops, and that sounds about right. PS: Oh look…the Vatican denies Jesus’ marriage. Surprise, surprise.

21. Terence Fucking Corcoran. Another apologist for plagiarism? Who thinks media ethics aren’t important? Well, gee. What do we have a press for, if they no longer believe in accurate and unplagiarized reporting? Toilet paper? That might work if we all still shat in outhouses.

22, 23, 24 and 25. Jim Fucking Karygiannis, Kevin Fucking Lamoureux, Lawrence Fucking MacAulay, and John Fucking McKay. The four craven so-called Liberals who voted for M-312 did what we only expect of rabid conservatives. Perhaps someone needs to remind them of what the word “liberal” means. Perhaps that someone will be their own constituents, in the next federal election.

26. Margaret Fucking Somerville. Funny how these pious arch-Catholics are forever expressing their “concern” for women’s rights. And that said “concern” always and invariably takes the form of stripping said rights away. Female feticide is a non-issue in Canada, since ultrasound technicians normally don’t reveal a fetus’s sex until around 20 weeks, by which time it’s too late and dangerous to abort for non-medical reasons. Most abortions, meanwhile, take place before the 12th week, when fetal sex is still unknown, and therefore cannot be the reason for the abortion. So, girl babies are not a dying breed in this country. The real problem is misogyny, and specifically, violence against pregnant women. And the other real problem is private, for-profit medicine, where practitioners are less ethical for more money. But while Maggie & Co. throw out red herrings and bleat about how much better for ladies it is to let the Pope rule their uteri, they’re keeping devoutly mum on the fact that all those girl babies they’re only pretending to care about could grow up with fewer rights than their own mothers. After all, institutional misogyny is one thing the Vatican will never do shit about. Because that would mean it would have to ordain women, allow priests to marry (like Jesus!), accept LGBT people as normal, and just generally clean all the skeletal remains of sexually abused children out of its own damn closet.

27. Bryan Fucking Craig. You may recall this girls’ b-ball coach and guidance counsellor, and his icky book on how to yoink guys around by their penises by cunningly letting those guys just have their way with ya? Well, he is now suing the school board for firing his creepy, pervy ass and thus violating his so-called freedom of speech. He has to make up for his book’s bombing sales somehow, I guess.

28. Todd Fucking Akin. Oh look, Mr. Legitimate Rape is still wanking. This time, about how “unladylike” his opponent is. Probably to throw her off balance, because she’s now poised to whup his ungentlemanly ass.

29. Vic Fucking Toews. Dude, when are you going to admit that your so-called government fucked up when it comes to Omar Khadr…and probably ended up fucking him up worse than his own batshit crazy family did? If he ever gets out in one piece and still sane, it probably will be no thanks to the likes of you. Spare us the statements and just go hang your head in shame, ‘kay?

30. Michael David Fucking Turley. If anyone could make a perverted uncle look almost okay, it’s this dude. He dressed his teenage nephew up as a fake terrorist and sent him out in broad daylight with a fake grenade launcher. Why? To test the terror threat preparedness of the local police. Or so he says. Dude is lucky the kid didn’t get killed. Dude will be lucky if the kid ever wants to speak to him again.

And finally, to all the con-tard wankers who voted for M-312, and those who supported it. Save your collective breath; we don’t want to hear your pious blatting about “freedom of speech”, or your idiotic argument about how women can abort with impunity even if there’s a baby’s toe still lodged in the birth canal. Spare us, too, the “sex-selective abortion” canard. You know that’s all bullshit, and so do we. What I really want to hear, if any of you have the guts to talk about it, is this “pro-life” murderer who killed his girlfriend because she was about to break up with him and was planning to have an abortion if she found out she was pregnant by him (turns out she wasn’t). Care to explain HIM? Care to tell me what’s so pro-life about a man killing a woman? Or for that matter, about women who can’t get abortions any other way turning to increasingly desperate and dangerous means, like ordering ulcer drugs from Mexico? Or how about frightened teens who conceal their pregnancies and then deliver babies in a toilet? Because that’s the way your legal machinations are heading. If you care about life, and you care about women as much as you claim, shut the fuck up about abortion unless you plan to support a woman’s right to it regardless of your personal feelings. Admit that safe, legal, freely available abortions save women’s and girls’ lives. And make room in those lives, often, for children they want and can care for in the future.

Good night, and get fucked!