Wankers of the Week: Neil Armstrong Memorial Edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! This week’s wankapedia is devoted to the late Neil A. Armstrong, the first person from Earth to set foot on the Moon, and who remained remarkably down to earth for all that. These wankers, however, are simply out of this world. And here they come, in no particular order:

1. Monica Fucking Crowley. Yes, that’s right, Neil Armstrong died just so Barack Obama could spread Islam. This is an even loonier conspiracy theory than claiming that the Moon Landing was faked.

2. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. Does anyone else see the irony of ol’ Rupee, who made a pretty penny (and pound) invading other people’s privacy, even paying private eyes to hack their voicemails, now suddenly getting all sanctimonious and “Leave Naked Prince Harry Alone!”? Yeah, I thought you would.

3. Don Fucking Dwyer. Won’t somebody please think of the children? Well, this professional homophobe did…but only AFTER he drunkenly rammed a boat full of them. That’s something I have NEVER seen a gay person do.

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4. Jeff Fucking Landry. While it may be true (ha, no, not really) that LGBT studies minors don’t directly help students get jobs, abolishing them won’t help on the job front either. One thing those minors WILL do, however, is increase political consciousness…and considering that Landry is a Repug and we all know how THEY feel about LGBTs, that would be a terrible thing…for the likes of Jeff Fucking Landry. Political consciousness is the nemesis of the GOP.

5. Mitt Fucking Romney. Swiss bank accounts are the key signifier for international financial criminals. By refusing to close his, what is Mittens really saying about himself? And speaking of offshore tax evasion type stuff, how about that Cayman Islands flag on Mr. Amurrica’s partyboat?

6. Caleb Fucking Hesse. Homophobes are invariably hiding something, and in the case of this Prop Hate supporter, it was his own pedophilia. Man, that ol’ closet door just keeps getting flimsier all the time! But hey, the evangelical churches are there to help…by giving these creeps a place of regular access to impressionable children. Amazing how well that works.

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7. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Oh sure, the Repug party has “very clean moral foundations” — if by “clean”, you mean bloodstained by war, dead women, dead queers, Hurricane Katrina…I could go on. Why there’s still such a thing as Log Cabin Republicans, I do not know. If I were them, I’d want out of a party that hated me so religiously.

8. Steve Fucking King. So, let’s see if I got this straight: Minorities have to take “personal responsibility” for their own persecution, or they are just falling into “victimology”, whatever the fuck THAT is. Meanwhile, their rich white right-wing oppressors are NEVER to blame for anything, and if anything, THEY are the “victims” of multiculturalism, as they line up at the public trough for their share of the minorities’ sweat. Sound about right?

9. Tom Fucking Smith. No, an out-of-wedlock pregnancy is NOT “similar to rape”, unless both end in abortion (or forced birth). And even then, it’s the end, not the beginning, where the similarity lies. But thanks so much for intimating that rape victims are jezebels, or that your daughter disgraced you. That’s gotta feel real good.

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10. Jesten Fucking Peters. Yeah, God really listens to preachers from the shallow end of the gene pool, and redirects hurricanes accordingly. Just for that bit of arrogance, I hope the next one scores a direct hit on this woman’s church.

11. Meredith Fucking Lepore. What fucking decade is this again? My gawd, it’s as though The Feminine Mystique had never been published. It’s been nearly 50 years since then, and somebody still thinks women go to college to bag themselves a husband…sorry, an MRS degree. Worse yet, the idiot in question is a woman. Mission Accomplished! We are now post-feminist, people! Everybody go back to your kitchens…except the dudes. There’s a mancession on, and the ladies are only getting in the way of their getting jobs, y’know.

12. Salvatore Fucking Cordileone. Like #6, this one is a Prop Hate supporter (and actually raised money and signatures to get that deformed fetus onto the ballot initiatives); like #3, he drives drunk. Unlike either of them, though, he was recently designated archbishop of San Francisco…the gayest city in the world. What is it about these fucking homophobic bigots, anyway?

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13. Sue-Ann Fucking Levy. It’s only free speech when hateful right-wingers do it; when leftists call you on it, their speech is censorship. How tiresomely fucking predictable!

14. Rebecca Fucking Kleefisch. Four bullet holes good, two stab wounds bad. Some rapes really ARE more forcible than others. So fucking what? Women shouldn’t be forced to bring the results of them into the world, no matter how forcible (or not) they were. Forcible birth is no better than forcible rape, you fucking idiot.

15. Ann Fucking Romney. Meanwile, the Wife of Mittens decides to tell the Repugnican sheeple, especially the ewes, how much she loves them. This as her husband and his party are planning to strip away as many rights from as many people as possible, while handing all that unused personhood over to fetuses and corporations. In other news, a black camerawoman got to hear how Repugs really feel about her…and blacks…and women in general. Call me hearing-impaired, but I think Marie Ann-toinette’s ringing little speech rings just a wee bit hollow. Let her eat cake!

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16. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Hey Pigman, I have a better idea: Instead of using worthless US greenbacks (which smell terrible, especially when wet) to shore up the levees that your boy Dubya neglected to keep in proper repair, how’s about we plug them up with YOU? Granted, it’s probably no more effective in the long run than sticking a Dutch boy’s finger in a dike, but at least it would kill two birds with one stone: Stop another Katrina catastrophe, and keep you from running your big ol’ ugly racist mouth.

17. Janine Fucking Turner. Washed-up actress turned racist GOP/Stepford spokesmodel tells saccharine half-truths, completely ignores how many men in her own party are dedicated to taking away those “God-given” rights she gets so artificially choked up about. I used to like her when she was a bush pilot on Northern Exposure, but that was a long time ago. Just proof that there need to be more roles for actresses who are neither ingénues nor crones. Because when actors lack for real work, this is where they land up. And, bottle-blond helmet hair notwithstanding, it is not a pretty sight.

18. Jon Fucking Voight. Speaking of washed-up actors, how about Angelina Jolie’s oft-disowned old man? He was in fine form, too, insisting that Obama was “controlling” the media, just like Hugo Chávez in Venezuela. Only — oops! — neither democratically-elected, non-white president is doing anything of the fucking sort, as is evidenced by the endless parade of right-wing nutjobs (like, oh, say, Jon Fucking Voight) in both countries bellowing that they are being silenced by “that dictator”, and having it repeated and amplified 24/7/36fucking5 by the ever compliant whore media. Are there not enough raving-lunatic roles to be filled anymore, either? Hollywood, shame on you. You call yourselves liberals?

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19. Rick Fucking Santorum. He’s not an actor by trade, but he’s definitely washed-up. And he’s talking an awful lot with his hands, but nothing (except the ooky obvious) is coming out. Hey Ricky, don’t you have a family to get back to? Or are they just for show?

20. Gabby Fucking Mercer. No, no, don’t anyone stop her from running; let her racism follow her all the way to a resounding defeat at the ballot box. Of course, it being Aryanzona, maybe her shit is just par for the course…

21. Shirley Fucking Hornstein. A photoshopping tech-fraudster and the RNC go together like greaseburgers and day-old fries. But who can blame her? She’s only gravitating to where the stupid people’s money is.

22. John Fucking Boehner. Awww, isn’t it cute? The Weeper of the House is scared that blacks and Latin@s will turn out to vote! So scared, in fact, that he’s melting…and is expected to turn into a puddle of rancid orange oil any day now.

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23. Benedict Fucking Groeschel. Talk about victim blaming! I have yet to see a single case where a teenager seduced an older person in a position of power, authority or responsibility over them. Unless by “seduced” you mean “merely existed in the presence of”.

24. Courtney Fucking Stodden. Hooray, you turned 18! Finally you’re legal…but your marriage is still gross. And your new dog’s name sounds like “dorky” to me.

25. Krista Fucking Ford. Move over, Robbo and Dougie, here comes your niece and daughter, respectively. And for that matter, move over, Officer Slutty, because you’ve got company on the bullshit bandwagon. It’s an insult to anyone who was raped, especially one who wasn’t dressed the least bit poorly. And it’s all especially rich coming from a chick who used to play lingerie football. (No, I shit you not.)

26. Clint Fucking Eastwood. Time to retire, old man. That is all.

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27. Gina Fucking Rinehart. Awww, da poor widdle rich bitch wants all of us plebes and proles who actually work for our daily crust to stop being so jealous and socialistic and class warfare-y. She doesn’t want to pay taxes, because it would ruin her “self-made” (read: inherited from her deeply racist daddy) empire. Isn’t she precious? Too bad I can’t afford a solid-gold, diamond-encrusted binky, or I’d send it to her, nicely gift-boxed, with an engraved note on thick, scented paper…reading SUCK IT.

28. David Fucking Kappheim. If a difference in politics bothers you so much, break the fuck up. Don’t murder somebody just because she’s not a fascist fucking nutjob like you.

29. The Fucking King of Spain. Parking badly is bad. Hitting someone for parking badly is worse. Worst of all: Doing it under royal privilege. NOT FUCKING CLASSY.

30. Mark Fucking Harris (and his fucking wife). “Mark and Irene are both pro‐life, believe marriage is between one man and one woman, are for open records and transparency, believe in very conservative principles and the Republican platform.” Translation: They’re anti-choice, homophobic, hypocritical, full of shit, racist and xenophobic…and they wear really ugly swimsuits, too.

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And finally, to all you walking fucking freak-scenes who seriously believe that the Moon Landing was faked, that Neil Armstrong was with the nonexistent Illuminati, and all that other shit…gawd, you people are STUPID. Learn some fucking science, maybe then you won’t get all hung up on elaborate conspiracy theories that just don’t hang together for shit.

Good night, and get fucked!

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