Crappy weekend, everyone! Lordie, lordie, good Gordie, what a week it’s been. Riots and robbers everywhere! And worse, people making all kinds of political hay off it all. Can’t identify any of the rioters for you, and most of the robbers are in custody now. Which leaves just the following, in no particular order:
1. Joe Fucking Walsh. Seeing this public-trough moocher in a diner, lecturing people (ahem: Sandra Fluke, who is probably going to get yours one day, Joe!) on jobs, is enough to make a person lose their lunch. Hey dickweed, haven’t you got some delinquent child support payments to make? Chop, chop!
2. Jerome Fucking Corsi. Joe McCarthy never died, he just turned into a fat old teabag. And this one wouldn’t know real communists if they hit him over the head with a hammer AND a sickle. Maybe they should try a swiftboat. I hear ol’ Jerry is big on those.
3. Ann Fucking Romney. First she and Mittens had a financial struggle. Then they didn’t. First they flipped, then they flopped. But don’t worry, folks, the zombie-Mormon millionaires still have empathy for you, the 99%. Really, they do!
4. Mitt Fucking Romney. Ahem. Like Missus Mittens was saying. PS: This is why you will NEVER be president, Mittens. The diplomatic corps is sure not to appreciate this. PPS: This is another reason why you will never be president. Your idea of “average” and “middle” is fucking ridiculous. What’s next…will you be shocked that not everyone owns a car elevator or has friends who own a NASCAR team? Guess you’ve never heard of Henry Ford, then.
5. Jim Fucking Buchy. He’s never thought about why a woman would want an abortion. He’s only thought about why he wants to deny her one, even in cases of rape and incest. This is hardly suprising; anti-choicers don’t think things through very much, if they think at all. (I’m told that thinking for oneself is overrated. And I have it on good authority, ha ha.)
6. Kirk Fucking Cameron. Yeah, dude, it’s all about poor little you all the time. Your words were not twisted or “taken out of context” to make you look bad; you look bad because you ARE bad. You’re a bigot, a homophobe, a 19th-century theological relic who can’t adjust to the realities of the 21st. Also, you’re a shitty actor who hasn’t been relevant since the mid-1990s. The only character you ever played was a smarmy little turd, and that wasn’t even acting. That was just you being you on camera. As was everything horrible you said in your interviews. DEAL WITH IT.
7. Ezra Fucking Levant. Let’s face it, this little putz is just a walking Godwin violation waiting to happen. He’s all too happy to defend neo-Nazi “free speech” because they, too, hate Muslims. Lately he’s also been stirring hate against the Roma Gypsies, using vile language based on the rhetoric of the antisemitic fascist Jobbik party in Hungary. Know who else talked like that?
8. Linda Fucking Harvey. Yeah, being gay is exactly like overeating and getting fat! Therefore, it’s really okay to bully them. Go ahead and make them feel bad — that ALWAYS brings about the desired change, right? Only…ha, ha…you’re totally full of shit on all counts.
9. Dick Fucking Cheney. Hey, Big Dick, before you slam Barack Obama for not attending his daily intel briefings, may I remind you of what your boss said that led directly to 9-11…and his own non-capture of Osama bin Laden?
10. Pat Fucking Robertson. Always nice to hear Patwa give a shout-out to his Wahhabi co-religionists. Cthulhu is waiting, and licking his chops.
11. Sarah Fucking Palin. Did she let slip her secret fantasy (very typical of conservative women, because taboo) of sex with a black man? Yeah, she totally did. And even funnier, her fantasy fuck is BARACK OBAMA! No, she was NOT referencing Teddy Roosevelt (who would, if he were alive, give Ms. “Drill Baby Drill” the royal stink-eye). Read between the lines, people. “Grow a big stick” and “Pimp with the limp” is about as obvious as it could get without her actually coming out and confessing that she really, REALLY wants to nail him. And I don’t mean with hard questions, either.
12. Chris Fucking Brown. Yeah, sure, dude, we believe you. A tattoo of a battered woman’s face that looks an awful lot like that face, but isn’t? Who the hell do you think you’re fooling? You got off with a slap on the wrist, and now you’re bragging. And you think you did nothing wrong. FUCK THAT NOISE.
13. Terry Fucking Jones. Congratulations, you fucking fundamentalist piece of shit! Your little crapaganda film against Islam got a US ambassador killed in Libya. I hope it gets you life in a federal penitentiary. PS: Scratch that. I hope it puts YOUR life in danger.
14. Joe Fucking Arpaio. The Birther movement is dead. Or, at least, its events are all being cancelled due to lack of ticket sales. Same diff, really.
15. Todd Fucking Akin. Oh look, Legitimate Rape Man piped up again. Or rather, he opened his ass wide and inserted his head again. Same diff, really.
16. John Fucking Kasich. If being the wife of an elected official is such hard work, why isn’t it a paying job? Oh yeah, that’s right: It’s WOMEN’s work. The kind that doesn’t even make 70 cents on a man’s dollar. Meanwhile, this jackleg’s claiming that it’s hard “because of all the laundry” leaves out the salient fact that his suits and shirts, and even his ties, are all dry-cleaned. You know, to get out all the stubborn rotten-produce stains. Because it’s hard work being a shitty governor who disenfranchises voters based on ethnicity, too.
17. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Gotta hand it to the Pigman, he sure goes to great lengths and depths to mine his own posterior for whackjobbity conspiracy theories. Riddle me this, Rusty: If it really was a simple matter of al-Qaida handing over Osama bin Laden to do Obama some favors, why did he have to send in a SEAL team with guns a-blazing? Details: the devil is in them.
18. Steve Fucking Klein. One wonders what being a “consultant” to a crapaganda film would entail, seeing as all the details of said film sound like they were just pulled at random from a pile of bat guano, anyway. But here he is, and now you know who he is. Surprise, surprise, he’s a frequent commenter at Pamela Fucking Geller’s shitty blog; that explains the bat guano! Study that smirky face well, my friends. You probably haven’t seen the last of it, I’m sorry to say.
19. Rob Fucking Ford. Jesus H. Christ, it’s like he’s not even trying to hide his conflicts of interest anymore. Oh wait…he’s NOT? Gee, what a surprise! One rather gets the impression that he’s bigger on football than on his real job. You know…mayoring. Oh wait…he IS? Gee, what a surprise!
20. Michelle Fucking Malkin. Yes, she’s unhinged. No, sex isn’t helping. I suggest MEDICATION. And a nice, soundproof max-security lockup, just to be on the safe side.
21. Tony Fucking Perkins. Ask a pertinent question, and you’ll still get a stupid answer from him. Or a complete change of subject, which amounts to the same damn thing. And of course, ZERO evidence on how a heterosexual marriage is supposed to materially benefit the children, simply by virtue of being heterosexual and biblically mandated and all that cal. Hmmm, could that be because NO SUCH EVIDENCE EXISTS? And that he just totally pulled that argument out of his ass? Hmmm, could be.
22. Kris Fucking Kobach. When your candidate is an obvious loser, just play the Birther card to WIN! Uh, someone please inform him that it’s expired. #14 has already found out the hard way.
23. Tim Fucking Huelskamp. I’m sorry, but you’re a white man from the party that banks on racism for its support. You have NO right to equate abortion with slavery. Furthermore, slavers used to rape female slaves in order to breed more slaves. If anything is slavery, it is forced pregnancy, NOT abortion. You are an idiot. YOU are what’s wrong with Kansas.
24. John Fucking Baird. Hey Squealer, before you go telling other countries to improve their human rights record on women and queers, how’s about doing the same here? Because, you know, the Harper Government™ is lacking on all counts, and human rights have only suffered here since you guys have been squatting on the Hill.
25. Henrique Fucking Capriles Fucking Radonski. A corrupto? The young, virile golden boy who’s being touted by the entire international anglo whore media as The Man Who Will Topple Chávez has a dirty little secret? I’m shocked, SHOCKED…well, no. Actually, this is par for the course for the Venezuelan opposition. The day they field a candidate who isn’t corrupter than Satan’s shit is the day I will faint from shock for the first time in my life.
26. Scott Fucking Walker. Hey Snotty Wanker, you dropped something. It’s a big, bleeding chunk of your ASS!
27. Patti Fucking Stanger. Since when do women have to fail at everything else in order to succeed at marriage? How on Earth is that “natural”? Or, to rephrase those questions: What fucking century are you living in, you ridiculous irrelevant hag?
28. Hanna Fucking Rosin. Lionel Tiger and BEARS, oh my! Men are in such a state of decline that they now rule only 99.999% of the Earth. There are over 7 billion people, and half of them have just all of a sudden gone extinct, sez she. Oh dearz. Well, Hanna, riddle me this: If women are taking over (it’s a zero-sum game, don’tcha know), why are they, and by they I mean WE, being beaten back by males at every turn? We have the Big Three patriarchal religions duking it out for supremacy. We’ve got old white men in power, who strangely haven’t gone away no matter what anyone says, introducing fetal “personhood” bullcrap everywhere. Even birth control, from which men have benefited hugely in terms of all the free sex, is now suddenly evil. And any woman who says otherwise is branded a slut, and pilloried by hordes of big-media bullyboys. Explain to me just where this Great Decline of Males fits into all that, if you can…SISTER.
29. Katie Fucking Roiphe. And meanwhile, from the other end of the same shitty stick, we have HER to tell us all about how all we suddenly too-big-for-our-bitchy-britches women are in the market for “a little creative submission”. Because Teh Poor Widdle Rich Menz. Because zero-sum game. Hence Fifty Shades of Gloop. If that’s true, why am I not into it? And why are so many others not into it, either? Why is this book, along with Roiphe’s own parvulum opus, getting so many bad reviews, particularly from actual BDSM aficionados? Oh yeah, that’s right…WOMEN DON’T REALLY HAVE THAT MUCH POWER, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. The problem isn’t that it’s such a burden being brave, strong, assertive modern women ruling the world, but that it’s such a burden constantly going up against a male-dominated world of fucking capitalism (it is for most men, too) and being beaten back at every turn (see #28, above). Also, what the fuck is this “passive tense” of yours, Katie? Last time I checked my grammar book, there was no such fucking thing. It is either past tense, or passive voice. And, come to think of it, the passive voice for women really does belong in the past tense. Trying to drag it back into the present, even sugar-coated with “It’s okay, honey, we ALL have these fantasies!”, will only fuck up our collective future. It is all a distraction from the real problem, which is CAPITALISM. Class dismissed!
30. John Fucking Duncan. So, what does our lovely minister for aboriginal affairs think is the best solution to all the problems besetting our native peoples? Corporate sponsorship! And he said so at an event sponsored by the odious oil-soaked (and lawsuit-ridden) Enbridge, so hey, at least he puts his crookedly-gotten money where his mouth is. After all, if corporate corruption can work for the feds, it can work for anyone. Right?
And finally, to the wonderful fucking crapaganda whore media of the good ol’ United States of Amnesia. Stop acting so baffled that all these Arabs and North Africans are so angry with your country. And stop huffing and puffing about how much they “owe” you. They owe you and your country NOTHING. After all, it’s the source of that crapaganda film that they’re all so upset about. And more than that, it’s the place that kept so many of their tyrannical leaders in place for decades. (No, you did NOT “free Egypt from Mubarak”. The Egyptian people did that. And they were not waiting for you to “allow” them, either.)
And stop claiming innocence of all the bad apples your government has supported. The Taliban are the blowback from your support of the mujahideen. The Libyan Islamists you so despise now are the same “freedom fighters” who killed Gaddafi. And the Syrian “opposition” you’re backing is full of al-Qaida operatives, who are also connected to those lovely “Arab Afghan” mujahideen…like the late unlamented Osama bin Laden. Your country is not the world’s good guy, and it’s time you quit fucking pretending it is. Stop trying to control other countries, and get your troops out of everywhere! Otherwise, you’ll just keep getting more of the same. And you will deserve every bit of it.
Good night, and get fucked!