Wankers of the Week: We don’t need no stinkin’ theme!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Sorry about yesterday’s absence; my high-speed modem decided it was a perfect time for its power cord to give up the ghost. Thankfully, Bell tech support was diligent in diagnosing the problem and sending me a new one, so I lost just a little more than 24 hours. Alas, no FLFB. But, as you can see, my slate of wankers was unaffected by the sudden loss of Internets. So brace yourselves, because here they come, in no particular order:

1. Ann Fucking Coulter. So, you find it funny that unemployed kids support Obama, when it’s your beloved Dubya who created all this unemployment, and it’s also your beloved teabagger party that’s not creating a single new job for them (and in fact is holding off on it to try to force a certain black Hawaiian out of office)? Go ahead and laugh while you can, bitchface. You’re a joke, and your punchline is coming up fast. The day your sugar daddy dumps you and your shitty books stop selling and hit the remainder bins en masse is the day all the people you pissed on will be pointing and laughing at YOU.

2. Chuck Fucking Norris. Speaking of jokes, how about good ol’ senile Chuckles? Yeah, dude, you really get to dictate (or predict!) what’s gonna happen for the next thousand years. I hereby declare that Bruce Lee is coming back from the dead to kick your ass again.

3. Joey Fucking Buttafuoco. Fuggeddaboudit. Dat is all.

4. David Fucking Cameron. Why?

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That’s why. Institutional bigotry: does that sound like a democracy to you?

5. Roscoe Fucking Bartlett. Yet another R-Idiot who thinks rape can’t make you pregnant. I wonder: Is there something in the water they drink? Are there just so many dumbass wishful thinkers out there? I don’t know. What I do know is this: These guys just can’t seem to open their mouths without crap just spilling right out. It doesn’t matter what the subject is; whatever they say about it simply is not true. Sadly, whoever voted for them is even more blind and stupid.

6. Roger Jon Fucking Ellory. Why a millionaire crime writer would want to play sockpuppet (and amateur critic to his rivals) is…well, no mystery, really. Stupid bugger got greedy and too big for his britches. Stupid bugger thought that the way to get his books into more readers’ hands was to praise his own “magnificent genius” (which can’t be all that, since this is the first I’ve ever heard of him; way to make an indelible impression). Stupid bugger got caught. Stupid bugger now looks like a right wanker. End of ho-hum story.

7. Rick Fucking Berg. It’s always salutary to know a candidate’s own voting record before you vote for him; don’t you agree? And to that end, ladies and gentlemen of North Dakota, I give you your Repugnican senatorial candidate, Rick Fucking Berg. In 2007, he decided to vote along with the Amurrican Taliban and sentence rape victims to life, just for having abortions. How’s that for draconian, eh? Not just blaming victims of vicious sex assaults, but prosecuting and sentencing them for trying to get the aftereffects out of their own bodies. If you truly value the lives of women and children, your best bet is never to vote for Taliban Rick Berg.

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8. Larry Fucking Miller. And while we’re on the subject of the white man’s Taliban, Canada is NOT a Christian country, and anyone who thinks it ever was should remember the religion of those from whom it was stolen. With the aid of missionaries who piously insisted on injecting prayers where they really didn’t belong. Are THOSE the “Christian principles” (“respect, manners, moral values, etc.”) by which this country should be governed? If you’re a real Christian, and not just a pious hypocrite, you’ll take the words of Christ to heart and pray silently in your own little room. And stop wasting taxpayers’ dollars writing long-winded letters defending your bigotry to the editors, and do what they pay you to do…which happens to be representing ALL constituents of your riding, be they Christians or not. We are a multicultural, multi-ethnic, multi-religious country; get used to it!

9. Walter Fucking Grey. One might be forgiven for thinking that Kelowna means Canada’s National Embarrassment right now. The only flags that should be flying on top of any town hall are those of the country, the province, and the town itself. NOT the anti-abortion groups. That would be almost as theocratic as doing your hypocritical praying in public. Besides, women who’ve had abortions are also human life, and I don’t see anyone at Kelowna City Hall standing up for THEIR rights… PS: Surprise, surprise, he’s also a homophobe who’s been convicted of discrimination for not proclaiming Gay Pride Week. Lovely cherry-picking mayor you have there, Kelowna!

10. Bryan Fucking Craig. Something tells me that this lascivious cretin won’t be coaching high school girls’ basketball ever again. Or, I hope, working as a school guidance counselor. PS: WTF is a “dip”? As in, “You submitting to your man can do a world of good. He won’t need to find a dip, he won’t feel the need to resent you, and he won’t feel the need to tell his friends your business.” I’m assuming he means “some chick with even lower self-esteem than yours”, but I could be off base there…

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11. Haley Fucking Barbour. So, this racist old cracker wants to see Obama sodomized with a hot poker? Ain’t gonna happen. Better read The Canterbury Tales instead, the Miller’s Tale in particular. That’s about as much hot-metal-up-the-patookus as anyone should be forced to sit through (pun fully intended). As for Haley (who’s been around longer than Chaucer, or Methuselah for that matter), isn’t it time for him to dodder off to the ol’ folks’ home? Or do we need a cattle prod?

12. Erick Fucking Erickson. VAGINA: YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANY. Way to advertise!

13. Eric Fucking Cantor. It’s Labor Day, not Management Day. And speaking of managing, when do you plan on starting? Your term is almost up, and you haven’t done a fucking thing. (I guess that for you, it must be Peter Principle Day.)

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14. Stockwell Fucking Day. I wish I could wank-list the fool(s?) at the CBC who okayed the decision to have The Dumbest Harper Government™ Minister write for them, too. But for now, I think I’ll just throw my deadly left hook at the easy target. I’m just surprised LaughingStock isn’t churning out his whiny “liberal media” crapaganda on a jet ski, in a wetsuit. Or maybe dangling upside down by one leg from a zipline. It would not make it any more true, and it certainly wouldn’t make it the least bit sexy, but it would be 100% in character for him. Anything for attention, eh?

15. Ken Fucking Ham. No, the Bible is NOT a science text. And no, creationism is not a science. Jesus never rode dinosaurs, and there was never a Noah’s Ark. As for a 40-day flood covering the Earth, ask yourselves: Where did all that water go at the end of it all? And why has it never come back? You won’t find the answer in Genesis, that much is for certain. And you certainly won’t get a cogent explanation from a moron who thinks Bill Nye (the Science Guy!) doesn’t know his science.

16. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Since when is it a requirement that a US president make reference to God in every speech? And since when is the US a theocracy? I’ll give you a broad hint, Hucky Fudd…it has been thus SINCE NEVER.

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17. Pat Fucking Robertson. And while we’re on the subject of theocratic idiots, how about Patwa? Yes, the Democrats are indeed the party of gays (sorry, GOProud and Log Cabin Republicans, but you know in your hearts that it’s true). But “godlessness and whatever else”? Take a firm seat, Marion. And shut the fuck up.

18. Alveda Fucking King. Hoo-whee, somebody took some crazypills…and started spewing gibberish at random. Turns out, she’s the niece of Martin Luther King, Jr. For shame.

19. Artur Fucking Davis. Sticking with the subject of people on crazypills for a moment, how about him? Seems he found more money over there on the right, which, it turns out, buys an awful lot of those. David Horowitz must love him.

20. Paul Fucking Ryan. He loved Obamacare before he became contractually obligated to say he hated it. And that’s just one of his many, many flipflops. (He did the same with government stimulus money, as you may recall.) Also, he’s climbed forty 14,000-foot mountains…of BULLSHIT.

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21. Sarah Fucking Palin. So, John Kerry “diminished himself” just by mentioning you? Yeah, I guess he totally did. The noble thing to do would be to ignore you, if you’d only STFU. But if you think you represent the “average American”, you really need to take a long cold shower. Since when does any average person anywhere get filthy stinking rich AND regularly called upon by the whore media after quitting midway through every democratically-elected term she’s ever held in office?

22. Jacqueline Fucking Hatch. Excuse me, madame (in)justice, but since when does a victim of sexual assault need “power to change”? She’s blaming the guy who assaulted her because he’s the one that stuck his hand up her skirt and fingered her. And if it hadn’t been her, then it would have been someone else. HE is the one that needs to change. And you, too, since you’ve freely chosen to uphold the sexist system that holds women to blame for every bad thing that ever happens to them. Maybe he should have done it to you, so that you would learn a lesson about sexism (“friendship”, you called it) and abuse of authority (“a lesson about vulnerability”). At least then you wouldn’t be giving your smug, stupid, saccharine, SEXIST “advice” (from your mother — how quaint!) in the most inappropriate places, like your own damn courtroom during a god-awful rape trial.

23. Dick Fucking Morris. Oh, fergawdsakes, man, you’re a disgrace even by FUX Snooze’s already low standards. Take your flat ol’ foot out of your mouth and put something else in there. Haven’t you got a hooker’s toes to suck, or something?

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24. Christina Fucking Blizzard. Your brand of religiously-motivated misogyny is no better than anyone else’s. Our public school system isn’t there for Christians only, it’s there for everybody. And, as such, it should be free from all religious teachings. If you don’t like it, move out of Ontario and quit writing, already.

25. Shona Fucking Holmes. Oh look, she’s ba-ack…and still quacking about how our single-payer system would have killed her, except that it didn’t because she didn’t really have a deadly brain tumor (only a benign cyst) and if she did, she’d have gotten prompt referral for surgery, duh. And gee, what would she do without the Fucking Koch Bros. to pay her exorbitant medical bills (and, ahem, speaking fees!), which is what they charge in the US if you can’t wait for treatment up here in Canada and you’re a crapagandroid with nothing better to do anyway?

26. Sean Fucking Hannity. Figures that he’d be in a movie based on one of Ayn Rand’s schlocky doorstop books. I hope the next installment of Atlas Sucked ends up losing even more money than the first. That’s the REAL free market at work, baybay!

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27. Peter Fucking Kent. Numbers don’t add up? Massage, massage, massage. Still don’t add up? Mangle, mangle, mangle. Voilà!

28. Mitt Fucking Romney. Hey Mittens: YER MAMA! Hahahahahaha. Also, Pants. On. FIRE.

29. Marisol Fucking Simoes. You know what sucks worse than your restaurants, lady? YOU do. Taking criticism so poorly that you fake up a libelous cyberdating profile for someone who merely complained is a sure sign of desperation. Also that you deserve to fail. And I hope to the kitchen gods that you do. May the health inspector come down on you like a duck on a junebug.

30. Rob Fucking Ford. Looks like Frod might not just be a creative misspelling of his name, but of what he actually is. Conflict of interest is bad enough, but lying about it makes you a real-life fraud. And someone who should be removed from the mayor’s seat, pronto. Or before he frauds again, whichever comes first. PS: Using an exclusive “come one, come all” barbecue to gin up political support where you have none is also a wank.

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And finally, to the Fucking Harper Government™, in particular John Fucking Baird. Cutting off diplomatic relations with Iran for no good reason? Smells like warmongering to me. When even Allan Gregg, of all people, is calling you Orwellian, you know that war really IS peace, freedom really IS slavery, and ignorance really IS strength. Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia! And really, one bunch of theocons picking a fight with another is just too fucking rich for my blood tonight.

Goodnight, and get fucked!

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2 Responses to Wankers of the Week: We don’t need no stinkin’ theme!

  1. thwap says:

    Some of these small-time losers, … they don’t really surprise me. Plenty of potential for stupid in the world.

    But when they get to be VP candidates for the most powerful country in the world, or when the CBC gives them paid writing gigs, even though they’re rambling ignoramuses, I wonder about our political system.

    (Obviously, Stockwell Day isn’t going to give-up sucking on the public teat, is he?)

    • Sabina Becker says:

      Not as long as he can still get milk out of it. And he probably thinks he’s a self-made man, too. Don’t they all?

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